Affair Fog-LRT 4

[Mumin]

So glad for you!!
Keep reading and working on yourself.

[kto626]

Do I let her move back in? My IC said I should wait to make sure we both still want this but how to you work in MR living apart? We see each other every day but she is still living at her parents. I can tell she wants to move back but is allowing me to decide when. I want her to but I'm trying to listen to my IC. Is he right?

[LH19]

Yes he is right. Time and space is NEVER a bad thing. Slow and steady wins the race.

[Mumin]

Absolutley agree with him!
Consider your entire timeline and how long it typically takes for a person to actually change.

[sandi2]

Posted by: Gordie

I think the LBS has a fantasy

When the one who left comes back

There will be this wonderful reconciliation and happily ever after

The reality it is another roller coaster with different twists and turns

This ^^^^^^ describes what I sense in many newcomers.

Whenever a board member shares a positive step in their WS, you'll see several newcomers (usually) passing out cigars and giving congratulations. Congratulations may be a bit premature in some cases. I'm not trying to bring anyone down, but it's not over. I agree with the quote above, and I do think many LBS think once the WS comes back, the deal is sealed. Maybe I look like an old stick in the mud, but from what I've experienced & witnessed throughout the years.......reconciliation and piecing the M back together, is the hardest work the couple will have. Remember, it's not just her work or your work. Both spouses have to put in the work.

BluWave and I worked on a thread about reconciling & piecing, if you'd like to read it. Although I
numbered things, it was just to make the reading easier.

Definition and Guidelines for Piecing
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832573#Post2832573

Do I let her move back in? My IC said I should wait to make sure we both still want this but how to you work in MR living apart?

What "part" of the relationship can you work on while living apart? Your IC can probably offer more, but I think you can work on communication. Start spending short time visiting, and gradually extend it from an hour or two.......to a day, etc. It's easy for a recovering WW to feel a bit smothered at first. So, a gradual build up to moving back, would be my advice.

I doubt that all her anger has left. With counseling, hopefully, she will heal from all her resentment, disrespect, and other negative feelings that has eaten away at her heart. Again, I think most problems in a MR could be resolved if the couple could communicate their feelings.

I know you both are probably anxious for her to come back home, but I encourage to give it some time. She may not hold out two days, before she changes her mind. As painful as that is........coming back and being under the same roof would be more so, IMHO. Withdrawals are going to be tough, and she's going to be very moody.

As I said, there are many things listed in the thread regarding reconciliation/piecing, but one thing I want to mention here is about the sleeping arrangements. Before she actually moves back home, there needs to be a clear understanding that both of you will sleeping in the marital bedroom. If she won't agree, then she's not ready. Don't let her start out sleeping in a separate bedroom. Another thing LBS's want to push is sex, but my advice is to have time for some emotional healing before initiating sex. I'm not talking about months.......but maybe, weeks. It depends if the couple had been suffering from a SSM previously. I can talk more about this, if there's questions. IMHO, it's better to let her get use to your non-sexual touches, before diving right in for sex.

[Mumin]

Totally agree with Sandi.
Also, read up on bilpolar disorder and consider if theree is any chance she has it.

From Google:
Although the symptoms come and go, bipolar disorder usually requires lifetime treatment and does not go away on its own. Bipolar disorder can be an important factor in suicide, job loss, and family discord, but proper treatment leads to better outcomes.

[kto626]

Sandi, we have slept next to each other twice now. Once at her parents, once at our shared house. She initiated having sex with me and although I was skeptical I did not resist. She has even talked about it with me saying she wants that to happen again.

We hang out for the majority of the day as a family and then we go our separate ways. I'm finding times for us to be apart so we can be alone to think. I find that to be healthy. But she continues to talk future, even me timing having another child. She knew I wanted one for years and now she is saying she does too. Obviously, that is not happening now. She talks about our summer vacation and how she's looking forward to it (if the pandemic allows it). With her talking future, and not me, it's promising, right?

While doing this she continues to apologize. Also, she came over yesterday and said, "you were right, the OM contacted me. He said he's hurt and pissed and I told him sorry but I'm where I need to be and I want my family." I was relieved she told me as soon as she saw me. She said she will continue to do that.

I feel like we are rushing things but I also feel like my W is sooooo different than she has been. Calm, remorseful, patient, understanding and willing to listen to all of my emotions without reacting. I told her I want to start MC before we discuss when she moves home. She agreed. She is allowing me to set the pace. So far so good.

[sandi2]

Sandi, we have slept next to each other twice now. Once at her parents, once at our shared house. She initiated having sex with me and although I was skeptical I did not resist. She has even talked about it with me saying she wants that to happen again.

We hang out for the majority of the day as a family and then we go our separate ways. I'm finding times for us to be apart so we can be alone to think. I find that to be healthy. But she continues to talk future, even me timing having another child. She knew I wanted one for years and now she is saying she does too. Obviously, that is not happening now. She talks about our summer vacation and how she's looking forward to it (if the pandemic allows it). With her talking future, and not me, it's promising, right?

What happened to taking your IC's advice?

Did you not think it was a good idea to request she get tested for STD, before you jumped in bed with her?

I don't want to burst your bubble, but she's moving waaay too fast, IMHO. I would feel like she's being authentic if she wasn't initiating sex this quickly, and wasn't talking about another baby, and the next vacation coming up. She's driving the ball to home base every way she can, and ..........what LBH is going to resist sex? Certainly not any I've seen on the board, yet. Like you, LBH's usually think it is a promising sign. Well, if you are smart, you will take precaution not to impregnant her for the next four months, at least. Trust me, there has been more than one case where the LBH got suckered into having sex and then being told a baby was on the way. If I were you, and she comes up pregnant, especially after she brought up the subject of having another baby.......I'd be doing some solid verification.

IDK, maybe she's always had a high sex drive........and you thought nothing of it. Still, you should have thought about your health being at risk.

Here's something I want you to consider. According to her emotions, she fell out of love with you.......then fell into pseudo love with the OM.....then she has to fall out of pseudo love with him......and fall back in love with you. Now, do you honestly think she can do that overnight? You men think if she's initiating sex......it must be the real deal. I hope it is, but if it's not......it won't be long until you'll see old familiar signs. She doesn't get over the OM that easily.

I know everyone is ready for her return, but even you recognize there is still need to have space from each other to think it through. You don't have to relent and let her come home yet, just b/c you've slept together a couple of times. However, I think it blurs the lines, and makes it more complicated for you. This needs to come in stages/steps, instead of wham-bam thank-you mam speed.

Also, she came over yesterday and said, "you were right, the OM contacted me. He said he's hurt and pissed and I told him sorry but I'm where I need to be and I want my family." I was relieved she told me as soon as she saw me. She said she will continue to do that.

She said she would continue to do that? Does she..........or better yet, do you understand this is contact with OM? Responding to his messages/call is contact. Reading a text from him, works the same as if she reached out to him first. Don't kid yourself into believing this is "transparency". I see you being pleased that she told you about it, but at the same time, overlooking the fact she was still in contact with him. Withdrawals won't begin, until all forms of contact end.

I thought she was going to block him. Maybe I'm thinking about someone else. She needs to do everything possible to not see or hear him.......even if she has to give up her bar job.

[Traveler]

Does she..........or better yet, do you understand this is contact with OM? I thought she was going to block him. Maybe I'm thinking about someone else.

You have the right situation

I told her I need proof that NC has happened.. I'm not going to force it. I told her what needs to happen so I'll just sit back and wait. I told her clearly NC. Nothing changes until then..

So when she comes to me and says she's ended contact:
1. Prove it
2. Let me see your phone
3. Go to MC and set up expectations moving forward.
4. She continues IC (which she has now gone to a few weeks in a row).

Hi kto626, Sandi has a point--you've compromised on your key condition for reconciliation. That's at least worth a yellow caution flag! I have no idea what's next for you. I hope it's all or mostly good.

[sandi2]

It's been two days and no word from you. That makes me a little nervous. What's going on?