(I figured I would post a new thread since the other one I did a while back is 3 pages to shift through. It's been a while since I have posted and I am still a newbie here. I stopped reading the boards etc with the stress of other things (quarantine, work stuff) but I am back.)
Hello everyone. Been a few weeks. Since I posted last, I found out husband was deploying because of the coronavirus. Now he is on standby.
I LOST it when I found out. I was angry and acted as such, I was devastated and acted as such. Bawled for an entire day. At one poi t I asked for a hug because I was just so upset and scared I wouldnt see him again (hes a heavy smoker and I was worried he would get the virus and well.. I was being irrational. I asked him did it bother him that I hugged him and I am crying and his voice cracked a bit and he said no and "you think all this doesnt effect me?"
Since then we got a long much better. We still fight as always but not the all out wars like a few weeks ago. We even hung out and went to Home Depot. Big improvement. But when I mentioned "us" like I knew I shouldn't have... he was like, "stop. We are still getting divorced. I havent changed my mind. We dont work we dont get along it was too much strain and fighting... please stop bringing it up because I have to hurt you over and over and it's getting tiresome."
I guess he enjoys being friendly on his terms and that is working ok for him but for me its torture. I want him and I cannot have him. I get excited when we get along and then he reminds me we are friends nothing more.
what do you all think of this? I recently moved my couch from the living room into the room I have been sleeping in and made myself a pretty nice what feels like a studio apartment. I did this because it allows me more space and privacy.
Should I be distancing from him and doing no contact?
Or should I be playing it cool, pretending I expect nothing, getting hurt over and over deep down?
And for those who did tell me to GAL. Well, I picked up more hours at work. But I genuinely do not like my job at the moment. Also, I have no friends and worh the quarantine happening I cannot get out right now. I feel so depressed and this added global crisis is making it even more hard!
Pharm75, I usually hang out at MLC forum, but check in here sometimes. Please take care of yourself. Do you have family? Can you join other support groups on FB or elsewhere? Can you find a way to volunteer to help you with your mental state? It may be a risk for you to step out, but you can do some possible online volunteering. Check out some ways to get out of your own head.
Read, watch movies or TV, search for inspirational things to read... but please stop even internally begging for him to change his mind. The more R talks you try to have the further away he will get. I know it's so very hard. Please try to reconnect with who you were before you met him. Maybe a journal where you can vent your fears. Start listening to your own mind and heart. At least in the US, we can get a library card and download books via Kindle app and read for free. Try that too.
Just stop clinging on to him and if being his "Friend" is making it too hard to let him go, then yes, stop being his friend. Be a good roommate, but don't spend too much time fantasizing about how it used to be. It's tough for me. I've been with my H for 24 years married for 21.5 and we have 2 beautiful teenagers. We still share the same house, but for all intents we are roommates.
Try as much as you can to do SC or NC. Be good to yourself. Blessings
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
You had three threads open on this forum...I have merged them all together. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. The reason for this is so that you can follow your journey and have easy access to all posting to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Pharm75, I usually hang out at MLC forum, but check in here sometimes. Please take care of yourself. Do you have family? Can you join other support groups on FB or elsewhere? Can you find a way to volunteer to help you with your mental state? It may be a risk for you to step out, but you can do some possible online volunteering. Check out some ways to get out of your own head.
Read, watch movies or TV, search for inspirational things to read... but please stop even internally begging for him to change his mind. The more R talks you try to have the further away he will get. I know it's so very hard. Please try to reconnect with who you were before you met him. Maybe a journal where you can vent your fears. Start listening to your own mind and heart. At least in the US, we can get a library card and download books via Kindle app and read for free. Try that too.
Just stop clinging on to him and if being his "Friend" is making it too hard to let him go, then yes, stop being his friend. Be a good roommate, but don't spend too much time fantasizing about how it used to be. It's tough for me. I've been with my H for 24 years married for 21.5 and we have 2 beautiful teenagers. We still share the same house, but for all intents we are roommates.
Try as much as you can to do SC or NC. Be good to yourself. Blessings
Thank you for your reply. So, is it the general consensus that I must completely abandon hope and let go altogether? Being friends will certainly be too hard. The only way I see this GAL working is to not remain friendly with him. Gives me too much hope.
I'm afraid that if I let go completely we both will move on and it just seems like that's contradictory to why people are here, to prevent divorce. I just wish this wasnt all so confusing.
Pharm, Please dont misunderstand my post. I am not saying to stop standing. You may want to read about detachment which Cadet shares in the welcome thread. When we say let go, it means allowing them time and space to think for themselves. By continuing to focus on their issues, thier pain, their thoughts about us or anything they dont willingly share, we are unconsciously trying to manipulate them. We want them to be who they used to be and they can't. They are in pain and lost and confused.
And darn it, so are we. We do smart contact to keep lines open without flooding them with out emotional baggage which tight now is heavy. They cant take it. So we focus on us so we have something to give if and when they turn back. But a must be patient. We must not cling to them. we must be our own life preserver.
Then when we've truly learned how to take care of ourselves for ourselves, we can be confident that when they do turn back, we wont fall into the same issues we had before. It is not about giving up, it is about letting go.
Hopefully this makes sense. Blessings
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
The one thing I keep going back to is that I know in my heart that if I had my own life and didn't depend on him and other people to fulfill my joy so many issues wouldn't have become issues. I've always had a problem depending on people to fill voids in my life and in fact every single relationship I've ever had has come to an end because of that.
I'm afraid that if I let go completely we both will move on and it just seems like that's contradictory to why people are here, to prevent divorce. I just wish this wasnt all so confusing.
Hi Pharm75,
I'd challenge this thinking. Suppose you let go and tried to be the best version of yourself. I suspect for you that'd mean staying single and learning to depend on yourself instead of others. After say 3 months, what would cause you to download Tinder, instead of making another go with your ex?
Note, I am NOT saying you should let go completely.
Right now, you have to change the way that you look at him. He's a roommate and you can be courteous and friendly, i.e., just as you would anyone that you come face to face with. That being said, he's not friend material at the moment. He is only thinking of himself and what wants to make himself feel better. I know that what we say here is contradictory to what most people would think to do or say, but it is necessary to drop the rope and allow him the time and space to figure himself out.
I would continue to go about my way and if he wants to talk, listen and validate. If he's chatty enough, you just might be able to pick up some of what is on his mind. Yes, you are concerned about the health crisis right now and rightly so for everyone. Now, when he gets in one of those moods and wants to pick a fight...don't get into it w/him. There are times when they do this to bait us into arguing w/them...it gives them a justification for what they are doing or plan to do. You can always say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and see how he reacts or you can say that you will discuss it further w/him when he calms down. Try to remember...you can't rationalize w/someone who is emotionally irrational, angry, depressed or anxious.
You have to have faith and hope that things will work out, but you do have to drop that rope, focus on yourself and what you need to do about the finances, bank accounts, etc. I hope that you are watching your credit cards and bank accounts closely...because he could very well be spending money that isn't on your radar.
This is the time for you to focus on yourself, do the things that you've put off doing, i.e., make a list of those things and start checking them off, go for a walk, get out and get a coffee, get take out and go so outside and just enjoy the fresh air. These things will help you focus on something other than your h during this crisis. I don't use the words "move on", but I do use the words "move forward) and that is what you would be doing by doing some of the things that I suggested you do. If and when he opts to return to the relationship, he will have a lot of hard work to do in order to earn your trust again. Don't sweep this incident under the rug because at some point, it will need to be discussed and dealt with...but that is much further down the road.
For now, again, focus on you and what you need to do to heal yourself, take the time to grieve for the death of the relationship and know that no matter what happens, you are going to be fine. No matter what happens, we are here for you. Continue to have faith, hope and one more thing....dig deeper for patience. If you are tempted to say or do something out of anger, hurt, etc., come here to vent. We have very strong shoulders for posters to lean on.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
