MLC newbie

[Believe6]

B6- just wanted to say that for the first 4 months I too had an awful time in the mornings and I analyzed the p**p out of it. All I could come up with was that overnight we refresh, we regroup we prepare ourselves to start a new fresh day. In our situations we wake up and are faced with another full day of our reality. Like Groundhog Day as much as we want things with our H to be different it is not, so our “new day” is another day of just coping to get by. I flipped the tables on my awful mornings by getting out for an awesome walk while listening to something empowering. Maybe it’s a Fav meditation, or just sounds of nature but something that is enjoyable and grounding to you. I also did “sights and sound” exercises where I would go on a walk and really take the time to take everything in in a different way than before. I’d hear a bird and try to find it, I’d look at a tree and really look at its leaves or texture of its trunk...really feel the wind. It sounds silly but it allows for you time, stops the mind from racing, gets you out of H’s space and most of all it grounds you. You have a great attitude and are doing well ...just detach more as others always remind us. Enjoy your day!

Kindly, Thank you for this recommendation. I will have to consider how to incorporate something like this. I realized that today I was having a panic attack. I haven't had them like this in a while. I starting shaking and unable to stop my jaw from shaking. I took herbs for anxiety and now I think that long with breathing is helping. Prayers sometimes don't really help all that much. Maybe because I am clinging to the visions in my head that aren't positive.

But I will try to work on getting out of my head in the morning. Even just getting up and getting out of the bed that we still share but we are clinging to the edges like we are afraid to touch. Everything now seems so fraught with tension. Even when we are trying to be courteous and stay out of each other's way.

Thank you for the reminder that my mind is listening. I do have to be much more aware of the thoughts I allow to linger in my mind. The more I allow myself to ask disempowering questions, the more I find these panic attacks or anxiety attacks come up. It's very hard. I have been into self help and psychology since I was in high school and you would think I would be better at this, but alas...

How could he not remember we promised to never do this to each other...

Mind reading.

The sad fact is that he probably does remember his promise and vows. He just can’t face them. His is driven to find justifications to abandon his own promises. They bury their loving emotions, unable to sort through so many unearthed past feelings. They are consumed by their own unreconciled past. They live in the past and hopefully grow up from there and then.

For us, and our crawling skin, our reactions are from inside us. The very questions you are asking about H - not remembering his promises to never do this - you are asking yourself.

How can I let go? I promised to never let go. To never just abandon him. For better or worse. All that stuff.

Drop the rope or be dragged. (((Hugs)))

Compassionate indifference.

You are so correct, you must save yourself first. We find our way, to let go, get through the withdrawal, to grieve.

We all need a certain amount of understanding and acceptance - to let go. Your healing and growth is not breaking your promises. In fact, in the growth of compassion and acceptance we find our “word”, our sincerity, more rock solid than ever.

Instead, I begin to pray for God to change me. To make me into who I need to be.

I like that.

God does answer all prayers.

You change you. Free will and all that. God does place challenges to help us become who we need to be. He never puts more on your plate than you can handle. We are stronger than we first realize. Have faith and let God.

DnJ

Drop the rope. Stop clinging so I can swim....everything now is about letting go and accepting what is. Loving what is right at this minute and not having any responsibility for anyone else but me. What am I thinking? How is that affecting how I am being or treating others?

So much work to do always. It's exhausting in the midst of this crisis. Even the world crisis.

I am grateful to all of you who continue to come and post. Thank you for your encouragement. I feel less alone.

[Believe6]

Journal
Struggled yesterday. Had a lot of back and forth emotions. The night before I had realized that I was worth more than how I was being treated. I felt completely detached... almost a bit bitter for how H is willing to treat me. But then the night comes and the morning... Maybe it was that it was Palm Sunday or as my BFF said, Venus (planet) entered Aries... things aligning oddly?

Anyway, I struggled most of the day. I had suspicious thoughts about H and what he was doing out on his "run." I am doing much better not even worrying or thinking about what he is doing throughout the day. Although, how will I ever really trust him again? He did things (send pics, texts etc) while I was in the room. I felt like a trusting idiot. Can you ever get that faith and trust back in a person who betrayed you so thoroughly?

I know that question is really for the time when we are reconciling. I know that is down the road. I must continue to focus on me. We had a good night. Did video conference with family for a birthday which was fun. It was great to feel like a family even for a short time as no one knew what we were going through so we were being the "happy" family everyone has always seen.

Then we had a really yummy dinner which he made and played a board game. We all really like that game as it's not as competitive as others. Yes, one person wins but it takes logic and skill to do so. He had hurt himself on his run so I helped him a little and he let me. Even as roommates and friends we can do those things.

I did go to bed early so I could regroup and read. I was able to calm my mind, get myself centered and keep my expectations at zero. I woke up without the deep anxiety I had the day before. Now I am wondering if it's hormones or what. I feel calmer today.

Going to take care of myself. Applied to 2 jobs. Not really up my alley, but just continuing to put my name out there feels right. Listened to some podecasts that remind me to do the work on my mind. Going to change into workout clothes so I can do some exercises. It's raining here so I can't go out, or maybe I will once the weather clears. Then I have more inner work to do. Maybe I'll pain with my D. She's painting a lot or listen to music with S. We'll see how the rest of the day goes.

So far, I am doing what feels good to me today. I am proud of myself. Be good to yourselves all!

[Kindly]

Way to go B6! Keep the focus on you and continue to do what works for you. Sounds like you kept busy and kept focused on what you can do/change right now. Thumbs up!

[Believe6]

Thanks, Kindly! I am continuing to keep expectations low. Seek out support online and with friends/family who are willing to listen. Trying not to overwhelm people. Trying to manage my own mental space. I have a lot of healing to do. A lot of things to analyze. I am starting to put a list of places together I want to see once this is over. Places in and around where i live that i haven't seen yet.

At least I am trying to GAL even just in my mind. It helps, but the hours do drag on sometimes. It's hard. I know it's hard for all of us. I do so love my family. I do actually so love me... so very much.

We took a walk around our neighborhood with the dog. It was so nice even though the sun came and went. It was nice though to get out. To feel like the world is a little bigger than this house.

Life is good despite these challenges. Maybe even because of it. Blessings

[Believe6]

Journal,
I think I screwed up today.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of H's dad's death. I asked to give him a hug early this morning while he was working in his office. He did let me. Then my SIL called to talk and he saw me crying. I think he knew it was because I missed his dad, but because he thinks I didn't really love or respect his dad because his dad also had an affair on his mom right after we got married, he's not wanted to share ANYTHING about his feelings.

I talked with my SIL about her anxiety over what's happening in the world and was able to help her. That made me feel good and I felt like my old, empowered self again. The one I know he used to love and admire.

He was in the kitchen so I went to talk to him about my SIL and other things. Since he asked me who was on the phone prior, I believe he'd want to know. We ended up having a good conversation and so I finally asked, "How are you doing?" He shrugged. I asked if I could hug him again. He let me.

I then told him that I loved him. Instead of saying, I love you too, like he did 3 weeks ago (haven't said it in that long) he said I know.

I said, " Do you want to talk about your dad?" He said, "No."

I said, "You're still not ready to let me in." I know, I shouldn't have said that. Of course he's not or he would have brought it up himself. Trust is such short supply and maybe he'll never want to trust me again.

I said, "Ok." And he quickly walked away. He was getting ready to go to the store for stuff and I just did the dishes trying not to berate myself for loving him and wanting to offer comfort on this very tough day.

So here I am. The me that I am... the one that empathizes, that had been his safe place, the only one he would turn to... he isn't turning to me. My heart is telling me he's turning to her. But again, since I haven't been spying on him, I have no idea.

Part of me is ok with him doing that as long as he is really processing his pain. I know he'll want to be there for her during her mother's 1 year coming up in 3 months. But who knows what will happen. I think she's still with her H. I haven't had to drive by her house in weeks so I don't know. I believe she is still there. And I pray they are reconciling. As her husband doesn't know, she has a better chance. And months ago, during our last email (she was a friend), she said she would never bother us again. Never contact us and never be in our lives.

Being religious, I am praying that's true. But let's face it, many religious people have affairs and justify it because of the pain they are in that they can't handle.

I keep praying that God change me for the better. I don't want to stop caring or showing my love and caring to him just because it's against DB rules. This is a very sad day. Even if he's still so far away from me, how can I not at least reach out?

So I did it. I can't be sorry I did. I love him and I care about him too. His pain, all of his pain, matters to me. I am going to be ok that it does and let my heart hurt that he keeps pushing me away. I did what my conscience knows had to be done. I offered love, kindess, physical affection (His main love language) and sympathy.

If that's something that pushes him back a bit into the tunnel, well so be it. I just know that down the road, he'll remember that I tried.

Keep praying to be changed. Keep praying for my own mind to be opened to what may come next. Keep hoping that the light will peak through. He is calmer. He has been looking me in the eyes. I could see him when we were playing games last night with the kids. He looked at me and we had a connection. I felt the zing. I know he did too, but he's fighting it. He's still deep in the hole and I am trying to have zero expectations.

Still, this is so hard today when the grief is so deep... for his dad... for him... for all of us.

[cardinal]

Believe, I think you are right not to berate yourself. It's not easy to stop caring and stop wanting to be there for our spouses, especially when you, by nature, are a kind, empathetic person, which you clearly are. Better to remain empathetic than uncaring, I believe. You gave him an opening to talk about his dad, he didn't want to, and then you went on about your day. He knows you are there for him if he wants to talk, and you let it go after that--no need to prod him any more, as you know.

My H shut me out from his feelings after BD, but he has a history of shutting himself out from his feelings too. It hurts sometimes that he no longer wants to talk to me about his worries or confide in me, but I really don't think he is doing this with any of the new friends he has either. I could be wrong, of course, but I think it's too hard for him to begin to process any of what he's going through right now, so he avoids it. I guess, as in every other aspect of this, they are on their own timeline for when to begin to process their pain.

Happy Easter! You are such a kind and empathetic presence on these boards too. I hope you can also turn that back toward yourself.

[Believe6]

Cardinal, Thanks for reaching out. Been out of the boards for a few days. Tried to respond on Saturday to some posts, but computer was acting funny. Maybe I needed a few days to reflect.

Thanks for saying I am empathetic and caring. I always thought I was, but am learning about my own internal workings. The more I look back at the last few years of my own life, the more I realize, much like HeartsBlessing, that I was going through my own midlife transition. Not a crisis necessarily as I didn't run away, even though I wanted to sometimes... but definitely through so many phases.

It's sad that it overlapped with some of H's because I think if I was more in touch with myself as I have grown into after the BD, I would have been able to see him enter the tunnel and possibly helped before it got to the affair. But we can't change what already is.

I am just working on being here now. Dealing with my own healing and getting a life. Learning to detach is still very hard. Dropping the rope is hard too. But I am trying. What else can we do, but take it one moment and one day at a time, right?

I'll journal again later. Right now, I am going to read others' posts and reply there. Want to help if possible.

[peacetoday]

I dont think we can help them in MLC or change the affair or their need to explore new possibilities

maybe if it were a mild transition, and we had awareness we could, but in full MLC
I dont believe anything we do can make a difference

Yes it helps when we let them be, and let them go
some may turn around especially if they are only on the edge of leaving

We tend to blame ourselves..if only we were this or that or we did this or that

Becoming a confident strong independent woman is our best bet
there is always a chance, they may see the light but even so, it will be a lot of work and very bumpy

stay safe!

[Kindly]

Hi B6! As peacetoday said it is easy for us to look at what “we did or didn’t do” during this time. I think taking those thoughts and changing them into what would I like to improve about myself (if anything) or focusing on positive changes that we want to make FOR US and not for someone else becomes very important. You are so caring and empathic which makes putting our own feelings first difficult. A little self love is good for all of us!!! (((((((GROUP HUG))))))))

[scout12]

Your positivity and empathy shines through in your posts, B6. Trust yourself and your innate goodness. We all make mistakes in our interpersonal relationships, but I would bet that none of us intentionally hurt another person. If we inadvertently did so, and it was brought to our attention, we would feel bad and apologise. I would bet my life on it! Believe that your motivations come from a good place, as do your actions as a result. In any other situation, you wouldn’t hesitate to comfort someone who was grieving, right? Honour yourself and don’t let your H, your situation, or adherence to DB principles change who you are inside.