Whats New Today?

[CanBird]

~J~ Haven't been posting everyday, as it's been the same pretty much. 00 & I continue to be roommates. I'm the primary care giver & he steps in when asked. The odd time he just does it, unless his book or phone activity have his attention, which is 24/7. It's horrible really.

Any way. I'm REALLY trying, but still struggling to coexist during this lockdown. And I see it's affecting D3s behavior. I asked her why she acts out & she eventually said I want more time with daddy. I told her it's important she share this with daddy & not stomp & scream/act out & say nothing.

After D3 & I talked, I took action. 00 was inside, (cooking a huge meal, but on break) I left them alone & text him bits of the D3 conversation. I could hear them, and soon they were playing. The happiness in her voice was heart warming. At first she resisted playing with him, but he was persistant, were as normal he'd say..."she doesnt want to play" & give up. They actally went outfront of the house, neighbors could see (00 has tried to avoid all people, even before covid). When they came in she was SO happy. He seemed to enjoy himself too. I GAL, and did my things in & outside.

At one point they'd gone inside & I was outside in the garage. I saw mail 00 had gotten from his works med insurance. A questionarre. I glanced and saw he tick himself married. & signed it. We're insuranced regardless of this questionare. Why even do it? Why not wait until the day you leave for work incase something changes?

We all did our own thing, but could still interact with each other as our home is open concept, the kitchen/dinning room/living room. 00 in the kitchen, me at the dinning room table watching D3 dance up a storm in the living room. Her dad danced with her for a bit. She'd run & hug me, then dance with her dad.

At one point D3 was looking at photos & asked her dad, "Do you love ...." whoever wad in the picture. Eventually, she asked, "Do you love mommy?".. I just happen to be in the tiny kitchen beside 00 when he resonded, "yes...I do love your mommy." Well that was nice & confusing to me. He could of answered that a lot of different ways, especially that I was right beside him. She asked again & he said the same responce. I ignored it. It was the right thing to say in the moment. I thought about those insurance papers and needed to glace again. Excused myself & retreated to the garage/mancave/ 00 headquarters.

The insurance papers where now covered up. A shirt placed over them. I had a bettet peek & took a photo.

Nothing has been said since (1 week ago) he mentioned out D papetwork was incomplete & not filed. Niether of us has brought it up. I dont intend to. I checked the county court website & there's nothing.

Now what? Wait? Carry on & GAL? Say something?

[job]

CanBird,

Carry on as you have been. Continue to GAL and keep the focus on you and your child. Your h is a lost and confused man and he's trying to find where he belongs in life.

I would not say one thing to him about the papers. The less you say, the better. Just keep that photo in a safe place.

Stay the course! Dig deeper for patience and as I have stated...keep the focus on you and your child.

[CanBird]

CanBird,

Carry on as you have been. Continue to GAL and keep the focus on you and your child. Your h is a lost and confused man and he's trying to find where he belongs in life.

I would not say one thing to him about the papers. The less you say, the better. Just keep that photo in a safe place.

Stay the course! Dig deeper for patience and as I have stated...keep the focus on you and your child.

Thanks Job. Will do. Hope you are well.

[peacetoday]

say nothing
try not to read into anything he says or does


I like that he played with D3
if anything try to arrange more moments of that if he is up for it
but keep expectations low

maybe just go for a walk alone and ask him if he can play with D3 for 30

maybe ask lwhen D3 is not there or text him so she does not get hurt if he cant

[OwnIt]

So not surprised by the incomplete papers and the insurance forms. It all sounds very familiar. Sorry you are having to live with that in your face every day. Hopefully he will be able to get out before too long.

[DnJ]

Hello Can

You are doing so very well. Continue as you have been. No pressure gives ample time for H to slowly work on his feelings. You are staying out of the line of fire and not adding fuel to his justifications - well done!

Why did he say “yes, I do love your mommy”? Because he does. And at that moment his feelings were not buried.

Of course, feelings do change. Watch his actions, and only about half of those. His words, believe very few.

Say nothing about the medical insurance questionnaire (it sounds like it is not needed anyhow). Do not bring up the divorce or questions about it. Leave everything well alone. Let him lead the conversations and remain cordial. Focus on you and D3.

IF there was a chance 00 had a change of heart, I'd be willing to work through things. What was once can be better a new? Crazy? Who knows.

Okay friends. Help me get back on track.

There is a chance. There’s always hope.

Your best chance is to focus on you and D3. To heal yourself. To give plenty of time and space, for H to have a change of heart.

Bargaining with one’s self is a good sign of progress towards acceptance. It’s rather amazing where we can find ourselves. Emotional understanding. Acceptance.

I like that you’d be willing to work through things. I remember having those same thoughts and feelings. Make them a belief, a value, a conviction - and keep moving forward. These ideals are seeds of forgiveness; sow them and nurture them well. This is so much for you.

Dig for patience. You are doing really great.


DnJ

[Believe6]

Can,
My best girlfriend, my mirror, keeps reminding me... I AM THE PRIZE. I have to own all parts of me... especially my shadow side. What low vibrational part of me is there... the wounded part that I need to see, accept, forgive, and bless? Can I honor her while healing her and then grow from that into a more powerful, empathetic, and loving person? Not for anyone else, but for me.

I am also working on re-parenting myself. The places where my parents weren't able to be there for me... and for most of us, we grew up in a dysfunctional family, so there are a number of places... I am reparenting me so I can be whole. I am looking at ways to re-write the script of how I should be in a relationship... with H or anyone else.

My BFF, keeps reminding me that I AM THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. There can be no one else. I need to look pretty for me. I need to love and honor me. I need to feel happy, sensual, interesting, fun, alive, intelligent, etc... for ME. Soon my kids will leave to build their own lives. What if, gosh forbid, something happened to my spouse- maybe he passed away- I would still be left with only me.

So regardless of what the next phase of my life is, I need to be enough for ME first. I hope this resonates with you. Keep doing the things that build you up, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically. And never believe you aren't enough. You are... you are enough!

Blessings!

[CanBird]

Thank you all for the previous posts..


~j~Alive and 5-10lbs heavier for sure. I've got to curve that. Pun intended? Maybe. Trying my best to GAL, work on a routine for D3 and I and stick to it.

During this Ld (Lockdown), It remains hard to distance from 00. He on the otherhand is an expert. D3 is the one that suffers. From my point of view it seems sad, his phone gets more attention, even If she's directly in front of him, trying to engage with him. Maybe she doesnt see what I see. I have to bite my tounge often to stop myself from saying, "put your phone down & look at her". I dont say anything. Its hard to watch. I sometime wonder if he does this partly to make me angry, as he knows it bugs me? Or has it become his lifeline, a security blanket of sorts. I know; STOP WONDERING!! He can be a good dad when he wants, when he surrenders. And he seems to enjoy it. I know D3 does.

We had a bit of a flirt in the kitchen. I'm sharing this because it happened. I tried all day long to not be in the same area as him, but it's a small place and at times we just have to coexist. We dont generally eat together, but he continues to cook for us. This his is normal provider mood. This time I really complemented him on it. I did the opposite of what I did for his last meal (I said nothing & ate nothing).
At somepoint he was talking about.. I dont know what (vitamins?) I acted REALLY interested, staring deep his eyes like he was the smartest guy on the planet..and we giggled about something, I gave him a jokingly kick in the butt, he laughed. Our old banter it seemed. It was nice to be normal if even gor a few minutes. This ignoring him that I have been doing is over the top & silly. Just be me in my house.

I'm probably not alone in feeling this is ground-hog day. Referencing the movie of course. A lot is the same, day in, day out during Ld. We do follow whatever 00 says is the latest advice. He's obsesed; rightly so. I nod my head & agree. I'll figure things out while he's gone. I've been doing it for years.

We've had a lot of rain this past few hours. Monsoon type; a cleansing. What will tomorrw bring? Who knows. The beautiful love from my child is always within arms reach. And that I look forward too.

[CanBird]

~j~ I had an oopsie moment with 00. I text him something about D3, and a few mintues later he finds me. I assumed he had read my message, because 99.9% of the time he has his phone/is on his phone. Oh boy was I wrong!

He asked what I was doing, stated mumbling about something.. I explained what I was doing & asked in a very hasty manor, "Didn't you read my text!? You always on/have your phone.."

00: "I'm DONE!!...I was doing xyz! "..(some house care) and he stormed off. I felt bad. I gave it a few mintues, and found him to sincerely appoligize. I REALLY thought he had read it. 00: " I don't want to talk..I don't want to say anything.." okay, I understand, I assumed you read it...I walked away.

Within minutes he was super chatty, suggesting solutions to the sitch I text him about. It was as if the oopsie didn't happen. But MAN was he mad. His feelings really got hurt, or he made me think that.

Any way, lesson learned! Keep my thoughts to myself.

[Believe6]

Can,
Be gentle with yourself. We'll say things based on assumptions. I have that terrible habit and I am trying to break that. I am trying not to "See" something happening and assume an answer. I am trying to ask and then listen/validate. Even just with the kids so I can practice. It's been a common habit in my family and society and it keeps us from honoring each other's thoughts/feelings/ideas. It's so very hard to break.

But remember, you are doing everything you can to keep the peace. Keep your own internal energy centered, peaceful, and kind. Everything else will flow from that. As we continue to stay centered regardless of the storm that is raging in them, we can respond in a way that makes us proud and keeps us from falling apart.

I am struggling today with some anxiety, fear and depression myself. So this is as much of a pep talk for me as for you. I made mistake myself today, but I am forgiving myself. I am not perfect. I am just trying to find my way through this maze of pain, anguish, and destruction that we all face.

I am hoping what i build for me and my kids will be stronger, brighter, more stable than what I thought I was building with my spouse. All we can do is try to recover from the rubble of our lives and there is beauty after. I know there is. For all of us. We've heard the stories. We've seen the results others have shared with us.

Now we just have to keep walking our own path and figuring out our own way to the light. Blessings