Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[Pommy99]

Ok, journal update.
H came over today as he said he’d still like to talk. In some ways it was same old, same old. (Another top prediction by AS ). Still confused, feeling sad, misses my company, doesn’t know whether he’s grieving the R or should never have left. Still thinking about what’s important to him, still struggling to see me as a lover. BUT has been wondering if that was resolvable. Also he spoke of never wanting to put me through this again so needs to be certain coming back is the right thing to do, at the same time he acknowledged that I might not even want him back. The companionship we have is a massive thing for him. He must’ve mentioned it 4 or 5 times.

I certainly didn’t leave him with the impression that I was still available. I said that this break had given me time to step back, have space around me and recentre myself ( thanks Wooba!). That I had previously been focusing on fighting to keep the R together, whereas now I didn’t need to fight anymore and I was able to see things from a different perspective. I felt stronger because I was no longer operating from a place of fear. That I wanted to move on and look forward, plan things, that I had hoped that it would be with him, but if not it would be me and the girls.

I did tell him that he was my soul mate and for some reason he liked that and said he felt that had come from my heart, whereas usually he feels everything is a bit emotionless and from my head. I was a bit surprised at this one thing being picked up on.

When he left he gave me the biggest longest hug ever and kept kissing my head.

Oh and he asked if I wanted to cycle with him tomorrow and he said he’d clean my car for me next weekend. I just don’t get him at all.

[Kind18]

I just don’t get him at all.

First problem right there... you’re trying to make sense of behaviour that doesn’t make sense.

Just hold on to the roller coaster and don’t get your hopes up.

Everything crossed for you... but it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

[Pommy99]

Things not going well. Foolishly I let him come over for dinner on Sunday (2 days ago). The kids wanted him over, he wanted to be here. He cooked, he cleaned up, he enjoyed his garden and the wildlife, he drunk wine with me, he left. He texted me to thank me for dinner and a lovely evening.

For some reason I went into meltdown. I felt used, that we were just a convenient stop-gap until he could get back to his other life post-lockdown, that dinner with us was better than dinner alone. Next morning I send him a cold text asking not to come over anymore, that we felt used, that I’d bring the rest of his stuff to his house later that day. That neither of us could move on while we were in constant contact. He said he understood.

I have felt terrible ever since. My D16 says it was the right thing to do. That he’d never miss us if he keeps coming round. Today I cried buckets and felt the lowest I have ever felt. I txt H and told him I felt low. He was supportive, like a good friend might be. I saw him when he dropped the kids off and cried some more. I feel like I am really failing at DBing. I’ve had to re-read the ‘you will not die” sticky, because that is how bad I feel today.

[may22]

(((POMMY)))

It is OK to be angry and feel used and tell him to GTFO. It is OK to cry and feel low. You have had the rug pulled out from underneath you by the person who was supposed to be there for you through thick and thin. If you *didn't* feel awful sometimes about what is going on, then that would be weird!

I think the important thing is to let yourself feel the grief and let it go through you. Then, you pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, remember you are much, much more than half of a married couple. You don't need him or any man to be happy. He is a complete and total mess and will need to work through his crap on his own. This is the time to focus on you and your kids, what makes you happy, what makes you feel whole, what you can do to be kind to yourself and feed your own soul.

And... FWIW I think it was the right thing to do to cut him off. It wasn't making you feel good to spend time with him... so don't. You are under no obligation to see him or be nice to him, or listen to him blah blah blah about how confused he is. I think if you can give your mind a rest from his craziness and focus on yourself for a bit, you will be in a much better place.

How have things been since you last posted?

[Pommy99]

He messaged me first thing yesterday to ask how I was and I said I felt in a better place and thanked him for listening. He said absolutely he cared and having himself suffered/suffering from depression, he knows how bad it can feel.

Today, again he texted how I was , I said great hope you are too (didn’t want to ask him a question, just left it as a statement.). I then got a few more texts with questions ...are you cycling today? (Me-maybe later)....did you ride yesterday (me- yes I did)...where did you go? (I stopped replying at this point). Then he texted again with “here’s the photo of <Mediterranean island> that I was telling you about. WTF!!!! You may remember about 2 months ago, when he was undecided about leaving and trying to convince himself he should stay, he kept going on and on about this island that we went to a couple of years ago and had the most amazing holiday, and how he’d love to go back, and bringing up photos of it. He knows it was my favourite holiday. I have no idea why he is sending me pics of it now. There could be 50 reasons and I’m not going to try and second guess which of those 50 it might be. I replied and said’ wow that’s beautiful’ and he replied with ‘I know, love that place’ with a love heart emoji.

I am trying to stay off his merry-go-round - i assume he’s still on it, and it’s spinning at 1000rpm! I have no plans to see him iver the 4-day Easter weekend now. He will have the children at some point, which is super hard for me in lockdown, but I’ve got lots I can do in the garden.

[Pommy99]

Journal update
I’m really struggling with grieving at the moment. I can’t stop crying, and lockdown is making it super hard.

Minimal contact with H over Easter weekend. I kept him on the doorstep rather than letting him in the house. He offered 3 times to come round and clean my car over the weekend but I did not accept. He turned up at one point with 2 bottles of wine, even though I had said I didn’t need any urgently.

We ended up having a R talk yesterday. Nothing has changed, he still does not visualise us ever being an intimate couple, but now says he misses me a huge amount. the love, affection, and certain feelings for me are still there. He sits and holds my hand or strokes my leg while we have these talks, and he gives me big hugs at various points. He says he’s also feeling down and often struggling with his reasoning still but the bottom line is nothing has changed and he said if he came back nothing would have been resolved. I did tell him I missed him too.

My kids have told me to focus on me, D16 says the world doesn’t revolve around him and is sick of it being all about him. D13 says let him deal with his own issues in his own time and us 3 focus on us. They are so mature sometimes. That said, D13 still believes that he has just gone for a few months to clear his head, that we are still “married” and that of course means that he isn’t going to look for a girlfriend or another relationship. If only she knew what’s gone on over the last year.

Today he messaged to ask how I was, and I said good. He replied to the same question with ok but feeling guilty for the way I’ve hurt you by leaving you. I told him the hurt would subside and the pain would subside. I then followed up with a completely honest text to say that it wasn’t the walking out that caused the pain, but rather the lies, deceit, disrespect, broken trust of the last year. I went on to talk about the pain of a broken marriage and listed some of the behaviours that him and EAP have demonstrated that have caused me the pain, and did he realise that he was also causing that pain in someone else’s marriage as well.

I don’t feel I spoke in anger, i feel like I was letting him know what he should be feeling guilty for (since he’s always maintained our breakup is nothing to do with her). And I wanted him to know that his actions are having an impact on someone else’s marriage as well.

If he doesn’t reply, I don’t care. If it’s pushed him away further , I also will accept that because I needed to say what I said. If it keeps him away from the house, then that’s easier for me too.

[wooba]

Hang in there Pommy. I'm glad your daughters are so mature about this whole thing. I always feel like if my kids are okay, then 99% of the problem is solved. I can deal with the 1%.

You're hurting, and it is absolutely normal to feel that way and want to express that hurt. Although I do want to caution you that he may not feel guilty about the things that you think he should feel guilty for. He has his own version of truth, remember?

Bottom line is, you said what you needed to say. Keep doing what you've been doing, hold your head up high, as hard as everything is with the current lock down....you will be okay! When you're struggling and feeling down, we are here for you. (hugs)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

We are all here for you. Hang in there. Your girls sound amazingly mature-- they must have a fantastic mom

It sounds like you're staying really strong. It feels good to get those truths off of your chest. And it seems like you've really turned a corner, from worrying about what you say/do affects him to focusing on what serves you. That is really impressive. Keep it up!!

You got this. I'm sorry you're feeling so down and totally get it. But honestly, you sound strong and I know you'll get through this, stronger than ever on the other side.

Wish I could drink a G&T with you!!

xx M

[Pommy99]

Thanks Wooba and May. It’s really hard at the moment. We have another 3 weeks at least of lockdown, and even then I think we will be severely restricted for a few more months.

It has been difficult to make a decision between being able to spend huge amounts of time with him and cutting him off as much as possible. We did briefly touch on it when we talked the other day and he did also say in some ways we should be spending time together because we only have each other, but on the other hand we shouldn’t be prolonging the inevitable, which is separation. I’ve got to the point where it hurts too much to have him but not have him, all on his terms, so I think cutting him off is the way forward.

He hasn’t replied to my message from 24hrs ago. I’ve probably spent too much time wondering how he reacted - whether he felt remorse, guilt, shame, anger, indifference, justified etc. He does keep telling me, just as he has done for 6 months, he feels guilty for hurting me. I wanted to explain exactly what it is that caused me the pain. (E.g him leaving me to look after 2 children on my own doesn’t cause me pain, whereas his betrayal/behaviour with OW does cause me pain).

I think you are right May that I have started doing what’s right for me. In some ways I feel like I am using lockdown to punish him by denying him opportunities to come to the house, have adult company, enjoy the garden etc. That does make me feel mean. But on the other hand I remind myself that he chose this path, and I’m not going to bail him out and make his life pleasant for a few weeks, knowing that as soon as he can he’ll be out of here without a backwards glance. For as long as I keep accommodating him, he’ll never learn to miss me and I’ll continue in limbo, until he effectively walks out the door for the second time. I’m willing to take one day at a time, hoping that I’ll grow stronger. Of course deep down I’m hoping he will continue to miss me and have some amazing revelation that he’s made a huge mistake. Realistically I don’t see that happening for a long time, if ever.

[may22]

Don't feel mean. You aren't being mean. This has nothing to do with HIM. This is a boundary and is all about protecting YOU. Don't think about him for a second. Honestly. Your first responsibility now is to yourself and making sure you feel mentally healthy and whole so that you can be there for yourself and for your girls. Please, do not spend a second thinking about him. He made his bed. it it NOT your responsibility to fluff his GD pillows and let him back in while it is convenient for him... he made his decision and he can bear the consequences of that choice. It is NOT on you.

Are there things you can do for you during this time? Share them with us! Good books, TV shows, food, cocktails???? (I, sadly, think that the main growth I will have out of this quarantine is expanding my alcoholic palate.)

I feel like it might be good for you to just put down your phone (or go to airplane mode) for some period of time every day, to just focus on you and not even worry if he is going to text you or want to stop by or not. I'm really glad you are gaining strength and your power back in all of this. What can you do next to keep this momentum up?