I know those are just little things but that is where it starts. Which is why I am not in a rush. We have had no conversations about how we would come together to raise our kids if a blended family were to happen.
No. These are not little things. These are fundamental differences. sorry J xoxo
I'm an only child. My mother was 39 when I was born, which, 55 years ago, was a big deal. Her peers were becoming grandmothers. She isolated me in part because she didn't have anything in common with my peers' moms, who were all at least 10-15 years younger than my mom.
As the mother of a male only child, my priority was to socialize that kid as much as possible. My son at 20 has thanked me for making sure that he always had playdates and friends who were female as well as male, and modeling that for him as well with T (brother from another mother). He says he had a great childhood, because he was involved in team sports, one every season. Team sports are a very effective way for an only child to learn interpersonal skills that can only be taught by interaction with siblings or peers.
Is it a lot of work to haul a kid around to practice? Yes, but it's worth it, for the kid's long term emotional IQ. JMHO.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I get that, not trying to down play the significance of it. I am an only child as well, had plenty of friends and played sports my entire life. I believe he gravitates towards what the Doc places an importance on and that is his studies, religion and being bi-lingual. She never played sports, neither did her XH, so the kid thus far has had no desire to do anything outside of swimming lessons and cub scouts. He also won't do anything competitive as he can't stand loosing.
If it was me I make his butt do something. When my girls started playing sports I told them to pick but they were not going to just sit around and do nothing. Part of the issue is her and not wanting to sacrifice what free time she has to take him to games on Saturdays or have her, Grandma or the Nanny shuttle him around.
Honestly.......I don't think any of this was really on her radar screen until she started dating me. I just think all of them were in this sheltered little bubble just doing their own thing.
I agree with bttrfly that these are not small differences, but that is really for you and the doc to work through. I will offer a different but agreeing viewpoint if I may. There are a TON of activities this kid can be involved in if he isn’t into sports. Yeah, I know you think scouts is nerdy and I get your point about him valuing what the doc thinks is important but don’t ALL kids do that? There are music lessons, art classes, 4-H, boys and girls club.....LOTS of options. I get the doc is busy and she has certain expectations but I worry about this kid. He’s adopted and whether he knows he is or not, he is craving her approval and she’s pushing him to be a mini adult. I fear that won’t end well for this kid. I had a student who was like this as a little boy.....his parents pushed him HARD and he was kind of isolated. They did lighten up on him when he got to high school and he blossomed and was very popular, well-liked by teachers, intelligent, hard-working and a good enough baseball player to get recruited by a few colleges. Then the pressure came back as his parents tried to make sure he chose the “right” school. He got so stressed out, he killed himself right before his class graduated from high school. SO sad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the kid will mill himself or the doc will drive him to it but she is just putting a LOT of pressure on a kid to do things that are important to her rather than letting him figure out what might be important to him and that is very sad.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I probably sound like a crazy loon and being cooped up in the house all day with a 6 month old puppy is so not helping that, but this has been a big red flag in my mind from the beginning, especially when you said she told you he was being a pu$$y. What mother says that about their own kid? I mean, have my daughters annoyed me? Absolutely, but I would never say one of them was a b!tch. I’m afraid this kid has some serious issues that are not being addressed.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Interestingly enough D is has spoke to me before about suicide rates, especially those rates with kids that are adopted, and double whammied by divorce. You are also right that he desperately wants her approval. He will just randomly walk up to her and just say "I love you mom".
I agree and I have told her the same thing. Get him into anything as long as he can socialize and make friends. I think she wants him to play sports especially with her concerns about him and his weight. In her mind he wouldn't do anything if she let him have a choice that he would just sit there on his ipad all day. Honestly I have experience with that because when he has been with me and ask him to go outside to play he wants nothing to with it.
She does have high expectations. There have also been times where she has flat out told me that she wants my input because her mind doesn't always think right. She is very driven, pushed hard herself by her mom, and obviously had to work very diligently to become a doc.
My hope is that I can help balance her out in a positive way whether this leads to marriage or just a long term relationship. Maybe at minimum I have opened her eyes to a different way that could just be as equally successful.
Technically I was the one who told her he was a pu$$y. She said he needed to grow a pair.
I do agree though he desperately wants her attention and to spend as much time with her as possible.
I only know what I have seen in the past year. During this past year she has been heavily weighed down and spending a ton of hours getting her practice off the ground. Additionally the amount of stress she has been under is insane.
I get that, not trying to down play the significance of it. I am an only child as well, had plenty of friends and played sports my entire life. I believe he gravitates towards what the Doc places an importance on and that is his studies, religion and being bi-lingual. She never played sports, neither did her XH, so the kid thus far has had no desire to do anything outside of swimming lessons and cub scouts. He also won't do anything competitive as he can't stand loosing.
If it was me I make his butt do something. When my girls started playing sports I told them to pick but they were not going to just sit around and do nothing. Part of the issue is her and not wanting to sacrifice what free time she has to take him to games on Saturdays or have her, Grandma or the Nanny shuttle him around.
Honestly.......I don't think any of this was really on her radar screen until she started dating me. I just think all of them were in this sheltered little bubble just doing their own thing.
too bad, because it's gotta be lonely for that child.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I also agree with you Dawn about it not having to be sports. I'm glad he's into scouting. Is he on a swim team? That's a miserable sport ... waiting hours upon hours for your kid's 2 minutes of glory in a hot, steamy pool area. Talk about Covid Cooties, shudder. And I'm someone who adores swimming! I think because he hates to lose, putting him in a position where he's forced to deal with that and a coach managing him wouldn't be a bad thing.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree, it is lonely which is why I think he still carries around like 10 stuffed animals where ever he goes. I believe he thinks of them as his friends. He sleeps with like 20 on his bed all around him every night. Has named them all.
Another draw I think the Doc has to me is my girls because it gives him someone to play with. The problem is he doesn't know how to play with other kids, one on one, because he has never done it before. He doesn't know how to give and take or share. That's what hit a frustration level with my daughters which is when I told her we needed to chill out for a bit with all the family time.
In her mind she never played sports and as a Doc feels that she turned out just fine, successful, etc.. She has an older sister though which is certainly different. The Doc herself though is not a social butterfly.
I have no doubt that she loves him very much though. She takes him places by herself, last summer they went to several water parks just the two of them he is just lacking in social interaction with kids his age. A couple of weeks ago she made cupcakes with all three kids, she made popcorn and we all watched movies together, she got my girls presents for Easter. She has seen my oldest a couple of times when she has got sick and doesn't charge us for the visit. When she goes to the store she is always asking me if me or the girls need anything. I could go on but I think a lot of it has to do with her being stressed to the max and working 60 plus hours a week getting her practice off the ground and now this Covid-19 situation has made things for her 10 times worse.
He takes swimming lessons but won't do swim team. She tried to put him in karate one time as well but refused to go. Yes, he does like cub scouts and the one activity his dad would do with him was to take him on their annual camping trip. The Doc said even with Cub Scouts he still had a hard time transitioning from activity to activity and would start crying when he was asked to something he didn't want to do.
She said he was the same in pre-school and had a hard time transitioning through the different activities.
