I’m sorry you are here and going through this in such a difficult time in this world.
I would caution not to tell her you won’t touch her bank accounts. Whenever you are not sure to say just say “I need to think about it” and come here to the boards.
She is going to try to sweet talk you and throw bread crumbs to get what she wants. Right now she has zero intentions of getting back together so don’t let her fool you.
This will probably take many months if not years to play itself out.
I plan on keeping the posting up even if it’s for journaling purposes. As far as her bank account. I mean it, I want no parts of what money she put away. I don’t need it. I don’t feel entitled to it. She worked very hard for that money. She went from a high school drop out due to pregnancy (my oldest kids) to getting a GED and than starting out as a teller at a credit union to now working in corporate. I’ve worked for the railroad for 14 years myself. We aren’t rich by any stretch, but financially we don’t need each other to survive or take care of the family. As stupid as it may sound, I’m very proud of her for what she made for herself. I don’t need “her” money, and don’t want “her” money.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Today is my birthday. It’s going definitely going to be bittersweet. I got woken up at 730am by the W from her texting each kid individually good morning. (1st time that’s happened) and than 30 mins later I get the “Happy birthday butthead” text. Never was called that before by her. I just responded thank you...I think.
Me and the kids slept on the floor because we had a movie marathon so that was nice. But it’s 931am and I am already confused on if I appreciate her gesture, if I’m reading to much into it, or if this is some how manipulative.
She has really started to call the kids more. Well attempt too anyway, and for the first 3 weeks of our separation that’s all I wanted. But for some reason now, I don’t trust it, I’m very suspicious of it and I genuinely don’t like it. I know that’s incredibly selfish of me, but I kind of feel like they’re my kids now. I’ve had them everyday for over a month. Why the sudden interest. I almost feel like it’s because she’s about to file for divorce or custody and wants to re establish a report with them first. But the idiot optimist in me is wondering and hoping that maybe she’s starting to come around to being a family again. I have asked her for help on getting some paperwork together (I’m buying a house and she’s signing off on not having anything to do with it) and she’s been pretty helpful with that. But other than that we’ve only spoke about the kids yesterday. Which for me in a big step.
I can’t remember if I wrote something about it, but she does also want to have like a family Easter dinner at a neutral place like a park on Sunday. I’m just so confused. I guess I can’t get to wrapped up in this. I mean she was having an affair on Christmas and she still got me quite a few presents and was very nice. (Though later admitted she was thinking this would have been the perfect Christmas if I was happy)
I still can’t figure out if this was an exit affair, a wayward situation or a MLC. It’s like all 3 wrapped into 1. She told me her plan wasn’t to leave me until she found a place on her own even if it took 6 months. (So to me that seems like an exit affair). Though my daughter absolutely disputes this. And said “no she was telling her AP March 18th.” She acted as if everything was perfectly normal during her 3 month affair. Except she started taking much better care of herself and buying herself a lot of stuff. (Exit affair and MLC wrapped up into one). It’s when everything came to light she started acting absolutely crazy. Ignoring the kids. Being constantly mean and rude to all of us. I mean the first couple of days she was I guess ok. But after about a week it was a hard I want a divorce and than stopped really trying with the kids. Than last Thursday idk what I want. I’m not sure what’s for the best. And more and more slowly we’ve been talking more and she’s been trying more with the kids. But than again the last thing she said was “hypothetically if we got divorced would you give me trouble about everything or would it be easy and clean”. I answered honestly, but than said if you want a divorce than say so. Don’t give me this hypothetical stuff. And she said no no I still don’t know. She told me she drove around talking to her mom. (Her mom passed away what will he 2 years ago in May on our Sons birthday, and another point for MLC affair). Asking her what do to. Why did this all happen? And all she could think was it was up to her. As in it was her own decision on what to do.
I just can’t help but think this is a manipulation tactic. Her original plan was to take the kids and not let me see them according to my D15. I just can’t help but wonder if she’s softening me up for it. I mean it wasn’t even a week ago she got mad the kids didn’t want to see her without me. But than Wednesday when she asked to see them she was perfectly fine with me coming. That was literally 3 days later.
Last night when she talked to D8, she told her she would call her on her lunch break. That gave me so much anxiety. Like I’ve suggested that a 1000x. Why all of a sudden are you going to do it. I hate being suspicious of everything. But I don’t want to her to take my kids before custody can be established and I don’t want her hurting my kids with false promises anymore because who knows if this “mom” is gonna last. I mean again it wasn’t even a week ago my D8 ran out of the room crying because she asked why mom didn’t see her more and her mom said because i have other important things to do.
I just don’t understand what In the world is going on at all anymore.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I would read that detachment thread every day. Detachment means you don't let her words or actions affect you, so I advise you to stop worrying about her text.
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I almost feel like it’s because she’s about to file for divorce or custody and wants to re establish a report with them first.
Prepare yourself for this outcome. You know as well as I do that people do terrible things during a divorce. People also like to think that terrible things can't happen to them...
Also, I would slow your roll on purchasing a house. Talk to a lawyer. I'd bet you may not want to do this.
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But than again the last thing she said was “hypothetically if we got divorced would you give me trouble about everything or would it be easy and clean”.
You don't answer this question. You don't give your enemy your battle plans the day before. And she would be your enemy should you guys divorce. Try to think clearly about this. Protect yourself, Joseph.
She is spinning, you need to try to center yourself and get through this pain.
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Last night when she talked to D8, she told her she would call her on her lunch break. That gave me so much anxiety.
What if you gave yourself the anxiety based off how you reacted to her simple phone call? Could you change that? You're not wrong to be suspicious though.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Happy bday J! Really tough sitch! Her attitude toward the kids... EXTREMELY selfish and hurtful. Detachment threads are a very good tip! Also read Sandis threads on Newcomer with WW (they helped me further with detachment). Perhaps also the No more Mr Nice Guy book.
Give this time! I was fast on D and that's still 4 months after BD and 10 months after mini BD.
Last edited by Mumin; 04/10/2007:12 PM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Well I met up with her to sign the paperwork for my house. She completely half rear ended it. I doubt anyone will actually accept the signature but we’ll see.
As I was going to leave she asked what are you doing for the rest of your birthday? (She told me she was going with her friend to get Easter baskets). So I just said going out. She says oh, who are you going with. I said no one. She named one of my friends that I hadn’t talked to in a month, but had a nice conversation with the previous night. He’s a male too. (Makes me think she’s checking the phone bill to see who I’m talking too.) so I answered no. She asked 2 more times in a row with me finally saying why does it matter? She said it doesn’t, Idk why I asked, it’s none of my business her entire attitude changed. Freaky really. Than 2 mins later points out a small cut on her finger, and I just looked at it. Said nothing. She points it out again. I said yes I see it. And she says you don’t even care.
She did attempt to call the kids last night and than me when they didn’t answer. She only tried once no one including me answered. (Sorry I’m proud of my self for that one, normally I do).
The more I read about MLC affairs the more I can see where that might be it. But I also see some signs of an exit affair, or WAS. It’s really weird. Her behavior is really weird. I don’t know what to make of it
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
She never said good morning to the kids. I actually got half way got nervous something happened to her last night or on her way to work. So stupidly I apologized for not answering last night to see if she’d respond. She sure did within 2 minutes. I felt like I got immediately manipulated again and I feel for it hook line and sinker. She than proceeds to blame me for not having our D8 call her back. And she’s tired of being the bad guy because no one ever responds to her. I’m just in disbelief. Absolutely zero ability to accept any responsibility. I kept it cool at least outwardly and said I understand your feelings are hurt and I left it at that and went grocery shopping. I came home and my S16 wanted to go fishing. So we went for a few hours and had a good time. The wife than calls to tell me about the stimulus and seems really happy. That’s fine, but I’ve told her now twice when it’s coming etc. So that couldn’t have been the real reason.
Another hour later she asks about Easter. Well that went from a dinner to a lunch to an idc I just wanna see the kids for more than 5 mins. I swear if I didn’t know better I’d say she’s started drinking. I mean I’ve definitely thought that before, but I’m still in denial she’d do that.
One of these days I’d really love to know exactly why for the first few weeks she wanted nothing to do with me, and than all of a sudden she answers every text almost immediately and finds reasons to contact me over nothing.
It’s barely been over a month and I’m already exhausted. I can not imagine how some people are hanging on for years. You all have my eternal respect. I mean if I knew, and I mean knew she was gonna come back around as her usual self and would want to work things out, I probably could stick around. But this is just exhausting, and maddening. And still with the lying for absolutely no reason other than to lie. It’s almost a sport at this point for her it seems like. And it can be about anything for any reason. I just do not understand this.
I honestly can’t tell if she wants to be friends (which I’ve clearly stated will never happen.) Or if she wants to keep me as plan B. Or if she’s buttering me up since i have the kids and she doesn’t. Or all of the above?
I will say when I don’t hear from her I do still miss her. But than when she calls or texts or if I have to see her in person I just get so turned off.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
