Three Little Birds

[AndrewP]

Prior thread "Every Day I'm Shufflin'"
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2891390&page=1

I wondered if I would start a new thread or not. Not that I have any substantial issues with the feedback, most of which comes from a place of caring and concern, but because there's not really a lot to say. job - if you don't mind doing the back-linking, I would appreciate it.

Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)
Singin: don't worry bout a thing,
Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin: don't worry (dont worry) bout a thing,
Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Another gorgeous day starting here. S is going to be coming by this afternoon and help me strip. Wallpaper. Yeah - wallpaper. Absolutely. The wallpaper in the front bedroom in fact.

She came to dinner last night - brisket roast, mashed potatoes, veg, fresh buns (she couldn't have them), (store bought) gluten free cake for desert and sparking juice to accompany. I haven't had anything alcoholic to drink for about a week now and intend to keep that up at least until the end of my vacation. I miss the habit and the tang of that first cold beer after working hard. Regular cider seems to be hitting more or less the same spot for now. Not missing the after-effects.

S17 was supposed to come to dinner but didn't as he went straight to bed after work. He's been putting in a lot of hours at the grocery store and I don't think that he really cares one way or another about coming out here.

S offered to help with dishes but I demurred and we sat and visited for a while while S25 attempted to take the dog for a walk. The dog didn't want any part of it surprisingly preferring to sit on the couch with "Mom and Dad". S25 ended up going on his walk by himself.

When I sent S her good-night message I added in a bit of self-discovery that might help her understand some of how and why I do what I do. I said "I am sure that you think it weird, but I do love that time when everyone is fed and happy and I can put the kitchen back together. It's very satisfying." And it is. I love that time of the day that most people would regard as an odious chore and one that they would want to get over with as quickly as possible drafting in whatever help they can get. I do enjoy doing it with S but in some ways I prefer to do it on my own. Says something about me I suppose.

S brought in a favourite mirror of her's which has replaced another mirror that was in the hallway. It hadn't been hung at her apartment and kept being in the way. It looks nice. S25 helped me attempt to hang it and then gave me eye-rolls telling me that I shouldn't be bothering putting it up because there are renovations happening. It turned out that the hook on the wall was too big so I had to go to the shop and fabricate another one that worked fine.

S and I spent a bunch of time talking about decorating and I think are finding common ground. My preference is for bright, cheerful and functional. I've been firm on and S agrees with (although I think it's hard for her) that we want to keep the spend down so things like replacing the kitchen counter which is just fairly new are off the table and we just have to decorate around that. Also the original red oak trim throughout the downstairs is similarly to be kept as is. I am confident that she is very aware that despite me having a good income that there's not a bottomless well of money to do things. We save first THEN we spend and on things that matter. Despite the low interest rates, I have no interest in going into debt for decor. S is used to operating on hand-me-downs and no money so hopefully things will go smoothly now that there is actually a budget available. She is well aware though that there are a "lot" of things where that budget needs to be prioritized to and we've talked about them.

Little to my surprise, the plans with S17 continue to be vague and uncertain. I'm assuming that he'll end up here rather than in with his friend. It's all out of my hands and because of the current social conditions going on out there, his plans may fall down. It's still a (fairly short) while away though so we'll see. As seems to always be the case, there's a lot of moving parts both known and unknown. S and her family tend to operate on the "let's wing it and hope for the best" system so I need to be adaptable.

I'm currently convinced that S25 is planning on moving in with his mother. I asked how the apartment hunting was going and got an eye-roll so severe that it must have hurt as he explained to the "thicky Dad" that undoubtedly people weren't renting apartments right now. But at dinner he commented on what inventories of kitchen stuff etc that he had found and packed. He's been rummaging around in his room and the one other closet where he's got a lot of stuff sorting and organizing for the last few days. He's not told me anything about his plans which is fairly typical when it involves his mother. Other than her, he's very open about everything. I do laugh remembering when he moved in here, that neither his mother nor I knew what was going on to the point where his mother texted him as we were driving here to move him in asking where he was going to be living.

I did tell him that I have a dump-run planned for later this week to toss some of the furniture that 20S left here (with her permission) along with some stuff from S's apartment and that if he had anything to just toss it into the utility trailer. He possibly has some stuff.

I think that his current attitude is an off-shoot of interacting with his mother. He's usually like this after being around her. I expect that she has little respect for me still - after all OM must be absolutely fabulous in comparison Assuming history repeats, or at least rhymes, I'm sure OM is being thoroughly put in his place. Kinda makes me feel sorry for him, but then he (and she) brought it on themselves. I can't know any of this for sure of course but imagining that there is little joy in Mudville makes me feel a bit better. I'm certainly glad that I'm not stuck here with her.

In other news, it will be S's 52nd birthday on 1st of May. I contacted our mutual friend who ran the bakery around the corner and is still taking orders for pickup to make a cake. I then reached out to all her kids except for S13 who isn't on social media to let them know that I was planning on organizing a celebration, that it wasn't a secret and that I looked for their input.

Her D25, who if the army ever needs a field-marshal could probably do that along with everything else she does, was very keen, volunteered to do decorations and to organize "the kids" into getting their Mom a present. I said that I was planning on getting S a nice BBQ, something we've talked about.

I mentioned it to S last night and she was surprised and very pleased. She said that this is the first time "ever" that a partner has organized a birthday for her and that in the past she's either had to do it by herself or D25 has done it for her including one surprise party organized by the then D13 which was rather too much of a surprise for her . It should be a good time. I told the kids that we'd use Skype or similar to include those who are unable to physically be here especially her son in Australia and to keep the number of people who mingle in and out down. So her friends and Dad certainly won't be involved which is sad.

We did discuss Easter dinner. Not something S normally does. We don't know if we should/could invite any of her kids who aren't living with her. I have a small duck plus 2 hams of different sizes. She's going to talk to her kids and see. With her, the two boys and S25 that makes 5 which is the limit. And her youngest is still out with his Dad and surprisingly all seems to be going smoothly. It makes sense to leave him there as he can get outside which he can't do at the apartment. So he might not be coming.

Relations with S have gotten back on a positive footing. I think that she is comfortable again even though we've taken a bit of a step back. The fact that I've made a move-in commitment with a specific date, while that's not her way of doing things, she has confidence that I'll meet that commitment. While in many ways I like having her here, I'm intending on enjoying my "me" time. If S25 does move out - which I sort of put as happening this week despite the lack of corroborating evidence - then I'll have about a month of just me in the house the greater amount of the time.

Given the speed that everything is changing though, who knows what will happen with anything.

Stay safe all.

[OwnIt]

I'm not good with cyber hugs or attaboys. I tend to be too direct and too opinionated. Sadly I don't dislike these things about myself enough to change them entirely.

Andrew, you must continue to post. People like you who share their thoughts, feelings, struggles, missteps and triumphs are the tapestry of a place like this. Without people willing to be vulnerable and share, there would be no one here to read, encourage, learn and care about. I've learned so much from you and your struggles. I've watched your sisters KML, bttrfly, Ginger, and Dawn tell you off again and again because they love you and care about you. I usually agree with almost everything they say. Job, the mother of us all, is always looking out for you, and Don is the crabby uncle who delivers the necessary punch every once in a while to keep everyone on track. I've learned from all of you. I don't think I've told you guys that before, but you give me so much hope for the other side of this mess.

Andrew I've seen you pout and run off on being told things you didn't like and then I've seen you calmly reflect and take action. This post above proves that. I truly believe I've witnessed the process of someone healing, becoming a better person, a better partner, and a better father. I have so much hope for your future and your happiness and that of your son and daughter, and S13 (who I confess I'm falling in love with here through your words). I'm rooting for all of you.

Fundamentally, I think the thing that draws the people who come here and stay is that we believe that change is possible and that people can make better lives and better relationships. Have you been a doormat in the past? Sounds like it. Have you been desperate for love? Looks like it. Does S have a trainwreck of a history with men? Sounds like it. But you know that stuff, you see it now, and you don't have to repeat it--you really don't. She doesn't have to cut bait and run the minute it gets hard and unpleasant and you don't have to bend, and bend, and bend until you can't bend anymore.

Will it last forever? Who knows? This virus should have taught us all that there are no guarantees. Just live your life. Every day. Find something wonderful in every day, even if it is a great meal, a cold beer, or a real conversation with another flawed soul. But keep posting, keep sharing, keep teaching. You are a real individual Andrew. We don't get to see that too often.

[Dawn70]

Well, as any good sister would do, I feel like I have to “tell you off” (OwnIt’s words) but it is from a place of care and concern. So, in that vein, I will start by saying I agree with everything OwnIt said. I’m so glad you and S seem to have worked through something. I’m also glad S25 is looking at options even if that option is going to the other parent’s home. This crazy world right now doesn’t offer him a lot of housing opportunities. Bravo to you for taking charge of S’s birthday celebration. Sparky did that for my 50th and I so appreciated it.

Now, having said all that, let me get to the tell off part. Andrew, you are a wise man. Please, for the love of your friends and family, DO NOT have an Easter dinner that includes S’s non live in kids. Now is not the time for these things. You know how close I am to my family and it is not easy for me to say that but right now staying in and away from people you don’t live with is the best strategy. I know you want to see and spend time with S, but y’all really should think about staying put away from each other.

I’m not a conspiracy theorist nor a hoarder nor a crazy person but I’m taking this stay home and stay away from people you don’t live with thing seriously. The longer people don’t take it seriously, the longer we are going to be saddled with this crazy scenario we are in the middle of. Call her on the phone, text, h3ll...write her a letter, but PLEASE think about closing the revolving door on your house for the health and safety of everyone involved.

[Westo]

I just want to say,

Wonderful post Ownit, wonderful. I agree with every word.

[bttrfly]

thank you OwnIt.
FWIW, Andrew, I was to host Easter dinner this year, for 12 or 13. About three weeks ago, my cousin and I had a consult because she needed to start on the home made raviolis (a family tradition) if we were still going to gather. We opted to not do so this year, and this was before things escalated to the current state of affairs.

This is no joke, Andrew. I had an hour long conversation with a friend who is an ICU nurse. She says this virus eats lung tissue. Zoom, Skype, etc are fine ways to get together in these uncertain times. It's not forever and you can have an Easter dinner in a few months, if the spirit moves you.

We are having a family party as soon as we get the all clear (probably just in time for Hallowe'en, rme), and not a moment before. In the meantime, safety first.

[Dawn70]

Yes, bttrfly! We’re postponing our family Easter and my beloved nephew’s college graduation party indefinitely because we are just not taking any chances. This is not something to play with and is definitely not the time to be hosting gatherings of any size, at least not in person.

[Ginger1]

I have to agree. s17 shouldn’t be coming in and out especially that he works at a grocery store. You really need to minimize traffic.

Easter gatherings are cancelled for everyone . It is what it is now. It stinks, but I do worry all the traffic in and out of your house.

[kml]

My family is setting up a group video chat for Easter.

[job]

My family has postponed several birthday celebrations, college graduation party and Easter.

I totally agree, now is not the time to have people over. God forbid if you get the virus...what then? Even though S and her family appear to be healthy...any one of them could be a carrier. Her S17 is working in a grocery store, whereby he is around people all day long. Anyone who is out there working right now...creates a concern for me....why? Because they are being exposed more so to the virus than those who stay at home and are attempting to distance themselves socially for a period of time.

I know you have your heart set on Easter dinner...but we are all attempting to socially distance ourselves. We are all in this together and we all want to see our loved ones and friends healthy and safe during this crisis.

[AndrewP]

Thanks OwnIt and others.

I often joke to myself that for some reason women in my life are very protective of me, like an idiot child who probably shouldn't be allowed out on his own but for some reason is wandering around .

I do agree that a more muted Easter dinner is called for. A roast duck perhaps. Not sure if either of the boys will be attending and S17 hasn't been too interested in being here anyway.

Just a bit of a rant about the state of the world right now while I'm on this rather boring conference call (yes, he's on vacation too).

There is a marked increase in petty crimes, at least in my hearing about them in recent times. Thefts of all sorts and including a sort of home invasion a couple of villages over. I have also gotten an upswing in contacts from what appear to be young ladies who can't afford a lot of clothes. If this is happening here, I'd hate to think what's happening in more urban centres. I moved the bicycles from the easy to access front shed to a back one just in case. Sadly nobody has any interest in stealing 20S's furniture on the curbside so I'll need to haul it to the dump later this week.

I do believe that some malls have taken steps in recent times to prevent looting. Sigh - I really hope we as a society aren't going down this path.

[AndrewP]

Good morning all!

10 hours relaxing in bed after a long day of stripping. Wallpaper. Stripping wallpaper. I found some more old newspapers shoved into the old stove-pipe holes dating the layer of wallpaper 2 down to the summer of 1965.

S was still here and even though she couldn't help with the wallpaper made a delicious dinner out of left-overs before she went back to her apartment. I think we're falling into her spending a couple of days here and then a couple of days at her apartment. She's not interacting with people to any degree in either location and so while I do have a bit of a guilty itch about her moving from spot to spot, it's not too bad. I have to trust her to be careful and she said that she is.

S did comment that she felt bad about not being able to help more with the renovations and I told her that we could work together on something without doing the same thing. She contributed by cooking and making supportive comments.

S and S17 have a video appointment with his IC this afternoon. She did fill me in some more on what his issues were when I suggested that he should be wearing a mask at work. He has very very high social anxiety. He worries constantly about being judged for being different, a side effect she thinks of being very small and perhaps his father telling him that he will be bullied and teased. Wearing a mask, if his co-workers aren't would be a non-starter for him. But then, not having a mask if they do is similarly problematic. To the best of my knowledge he never was bullied and has good friends. But then, this is the same father who pushed for S13 to get growth hormones despite being otherwise perfectly healthy for the same reasons. And S13 is a bouncy, centre of attention kind of guy. Not in the "look at me" way, but because he just really likes people and people really like him. I watched him play B-Ball - which at 13 and perhaps 4' tall at the most he's not physically suited for but he has a great time and his team-mates like him, pass him the ball as appropriate and everyone has fun.

I'm 95% sure that S25 is moving out shortly. I went in to his room yesterday to reclaim dirty dishes and he's got a number of boxes packed already. The stuff he had in the closet in the front bedroom has been all cleared out already. Some stuff may have already left the house - but I'm not sure. I'm really not seeing him doing anything other than move in with his mother and OM. I will admit that there's a bit of humour in that she'll now need to deal with his moods and the emptying of her fridge. Although "the girls" will undoubtedly move with him I think that it will be a positive things for me to have that clean and calm break before S and her zoo are here.

I sent flowers for Easter to D27. I will admit that I've not called her in quite a while. I probably should. Our usual way of having a call while I drive isn't possible. "My" flower shop is still trying to operate with delivery and pickup. I just messaged them to see if I could get some roses and a centre-piece for Easter. Supporting local businesses is important. I have to go in to "town" this afternoon to pick up a prescription and so will check the mail and pick up my flowers at the same time working to avoid cross-contamination which is a concern if visiting more than one place.

Well - enough loly-gagging around here. Time to get some more stuff done.

[kml]

Wallpaper should be illegal in my opinion!

I once stripped 60 years of wallpaper from a house we renovated - it was like an archeological dig.

[dream]

Why not ask S25 where he is moving? What is his plan?

[Ginger1]

Why not ask S25 where he is moving? What is his plan?

That is a good question. How can he live in your house and not tell you he is moving? He’s just not going to be there one day? That’s even odder. And he is living under your roof, you don’t ask him if he is moving out?

Open communication with something as big as this would probably be a good thing

[AndrewP]

Why not ask S25 where he is moving? What is his plan?

Open communication with something as big as this would probably be a good thing

Can I have a baby goat too while I'm wishing? They're really cute.

I did ask him directly earlier today if he had a specific move-out date and was told no. I can't force him to talk to me and as long as he ends up somewhere safe that's all I need to worry about.

[bttrfly]

Why not ask S25 where he is moving? What is his plan?

Open communication with something as big as this would probably be a good thing

Can I have a baby goat too while I'm wishing? They're really cute.

only if you name him Tom Brady

[AndrewP]

Last day of vacation at an end. I ended up working far too much during it and am actually monitoring a process right now so that Monday morning a few things will be ready to go.

Given the general insecurity all around, perhaps being seen to be keen even though I feel I have good job security may be a good thing.

Just after I posted yesterday I was surprised by a ring of the doorbell and there was a flower delivery. The flower shop sent over my regular roses. I was rather flattered. I did pick up a nice arrangement from them a bit later in the day for Easter when I was "in town" anyway. Liz thought that the ferns were tasty later that night except for the bits she heaved up later - sigh. That cat will never learn.

I sent S a picture of the flowers and I think she was a bit put out - "who sent you those" was her question. Mollified a bit when I explained. I am trying to curtail my tendency from the past number of years to be flirty and have actually gone through and done some pruning of my social media. I like to hope that she's secure in our relationship and knows that I won't stray but need to be aware of the fact that I want to be sure that she can have full trust in me. I'm certainly not giving up the female friends both married and single who have been so very kind and supportive of me.

Both FSL and the owner of the shop - who is also a single woman - a bit young for me perhaps mid 40s - and with a steady boyfriend - who she grumbles about - fall into this. They are well aware of S having done flower arrangements for her and having met her. A part of me can't help but wonder if there is interest in the other direction, but I do know that it's not something to act on.

I stayed up very late last night and then worked this morning and finished stripping the wallpaper in the front bedroom. What a job! Probably about 5 layers. I managed to catch up on my podcasts including the really long ones from the NASA Johnson Space Centre and the others on science, history and economics (I'm soo exciting). I then headed out to the local landfill after lunch today to get rid of the drywall from the one false ceiling, the wallpaper and the couch and chair from 20S. Not only have I been unable to give away those things, but it turned out that the landfill refused the couch too. Sheesh. I have to take it to a separate sorting station where they will take old furniture. I think they run it through a big shredder. I may do that Saturday. S has some old furniture she wants to get rid of too. I had a laugh because after getting my change from what I had to pay the land-fill attendant, I sanitized my hands after handling the money. Despite them being filthy from the trash. Ah well - what I was trying to kill off wasn't what was in the trash.

I did see S this afternoon at her apartment - we sorted through her plastic-ware and she made a nice dinner for us. I was supposed to do some electrical repairs for S17 but he went pretty much straight to bed after his shift at the grocery store. He was on cart duty wiping down and sanitizing each cart after each customer. In many ways I feel that S isnt taking the social isolation and precautions as seriously as I am. Her D19 and BF showed up while I was at the apartment and I know that they've been around and about in the community. D19 was going to colour her hair with her mother. I kept my distance but still .... It is a rather difficult quandary for me. S has told me that she thinks I'm far too wrapped up with protections as has my own S25. I think that they're a few days behind me. I did notice that S25 has dug out his scarf similar to the one I use as a mask. S respects my choices but I feel that I need to respect her's as long as they aren't putting me explicitly into danger. It all gets very foggy.

I probably won't see S again probably until Sunday. She's picking up S13 from his Dad tomorrow afternoon - he wants to be "home" for Easter. I'll putter around the house and work on the plaster work in the bedroom and the rabbit hutch along with the usual household things plus also get in some reading. A solo walk around the village may also be called for. The grocery list has gotten fairly long and I need to evaluate if I should go in "to town" or if I can wait. Stores are closing on Friday and Sunday which is unusual but I think a very good idea. Menu for Easter is roast duck, turnip, mashed potatoes with duck gravy, cubed butternut squash, veg with cheese sauce and S is bringing a carrot cake (one of my favourites) for desert. I am amused because although S has been feeding her family for over 25 years, I make a better gravy than she does. But then, she uses the exact same method my ex-wife does, dumping flour into the stock and then trying to get rid of lumps where I start with a roux. I don't think that her D19 will self-invite for dinner. Easter Sunday dinner isn't a usual thing in that family and D19 and her BF are having a fling at being vegetarians at present. I also think they were "very" aware that I was quite uncomfortable with them just showing up at the apartment.

It's a difficult thing to navigate. A balance between being perhaps rude while following what I feel are prudent precautions and accepting their rights to have lower concerns. There is a selfish component to all of this as well. In a "perfect" world, I wouldn't be seeing S at all and we would be keeping our separate distances despite us both having a limited social circle and we would continue that for as long as this goes on for. But not being able to see her for the next couple of months, which is how this is looking like it will play out is a very hard thing to swallow as well.

There are no easy answers that I like.

Well - off to bed for me now.

[Dawn70]

Just after I posted yesterday I was surprised by a ring of the doorbell and there was a flower delivery. The flower shop sent over my regular roses. I was rather flattered.

I sent S a picture of the flowers and I think she was a bit put out - "who sent you those" was her question. Mollified a bit when I explained. I am trying to curtail my tendency from the past number of years to be flirty and have actually gone through and done some pruning of my social media. I like to hope that she's secure in our relationship and knows that I won't stray but need to be aware of the fact that I want to be sure that she can have full trust in me. I'm certainly not giving up the female friends both married and single who have been so very kind and supportive of me.

Both FSL and the owner of the shop - who is also a single woman - a bit young for me perhaps mid 40s - and with a steady boyfriend - who she grumbles about - fall into this. They are well aware of S having done flower arrangements for her and having met her. A part of me can't help but wonder if there is interest in the other direction, but I do know that it's not something to act on.

Andrew, my dear....I always feel like I'm scolding you when I say things and I swear I'm not this negative, nor am I doing it to be mean to you, but sometimes when you say things, I really sit here shaking my head as I read them. What I say, I really say from love...seriously, because I love you like a fat kid loves cake and since I'm a fat girl, I KNOW how fat kids love cake. Anyway, Andrew, the more you share about S, the more HUGE, COLOSSAL, GIANT red flags are waving. I have never met you in person nor even talked to you on the phone and even I know of your penchant for frequenting the flower shop and purchasing fresh flowers for your home. It speaks to me because I do that for myself on occasion. I know, not everyone likes fresh cut flowers because they die and all that jazz, but to me, it is a happy little thing in the moment so I enjoy them. But, seriously....S's first question is who sent them???? And to top it off, you had to "mollify" her by explaining you had purchased them yourself? Come on, Andrew.....does that not SCREAM insecure to you? She's a grown woman, for goodness sakes. And as far as you pruning social media. Listen, my friend, any woman who is secure in herself and trusts in her relationship doesn't give a flying fig if you have female friends on social media. Sparky is a very flirtatious guy. He calls waitresses honey and darling and the like and he has female friends on social media, many I have never even met in person. But, you know what.....he's coming home to me every single day because he is MINE. So, I don't sweat the fact that he called the cashier in the gas station darling. I mean, we do live in the south, so that is not a big deal and happens all the time, but it is just part of who he is. He has a private pet name for me that he doesn't use for anyone else so what if he is a little flirty? I don't see why men and women can't be friends and what that has to do with trust because I imagine you are an upstanding guy who is committed to one woman....just like Sparky. At the end of the day, S has your heart, so why does she need to "own" everything about you and control everything about all of your daily minutiae.

I did see S this afternoon at her apartment - we sorted through her plastic-ware and she made a nice dinner for us. I was supposed to do some electrical repairs for S17 but he went pretty much straight to bed after his shift at the grocery store. He was on cart duty wiping down and sanitizing each cart after each customer. In many ways I feel that S isnt taking the social isolation and precautions as seriously as I am. Her D19 and BF showed up while I was at the apartment and I know that they've been around and about in the community. D19 was going to colour her hair with her mother. I kept my distance but still .... It is a rather difficult quandary for me. S has told me that she thinks I'm far too wrapped up with protections as has my own S25. I think that they're a few days behind me. I did notice that S25 has dug out his scarf similar to the one I use as a mask. S respects my choices but I feel that I need to respect her's as long as they aren't putting me explicitly into danger. It all gets very foggy.

I probably won't see S again probably until Sunday. She's picking up S13 from his Dad tomorrow afternoon - he wants to be "home" for Easter. I'll putter around the house and work on the plaster work in the bedroom and the rabbit hutch along with the usual household things plus also get in some reading. A solo walk around the village may also be called for. The grocery list has gotten fairly long and I need to evaluate if I should go in "to town" or if I can wait. Stores are closing on Friday and Sunday which is unusual but I think a very good idea. Menu for Easter is roast duck, turnip, mashed potatoes with duck gravy, cubed butternut squash, veg with cheese sauce and S is bringing a carrot cake (one of my favourites) for desert. I am amused because although S has been feeding her family for over 25 years, I make a better gravy than she does. But then, she uses the exact same method my ex-wife does, dumping flour into the stock and then trying to get rid of lumps where I start with a roux. I don't think that her D19 will self-invite for dinner. Easter Sunday dinner isn't a usual thing in that family and D19 and her BF are having a fling at being vegetarians at present. I also think they were "very" aware that I was quite uncomfortable with them just showing up at the apartment.

It's a difficult thing to navigate. A balance between being perhaps rude while following what I feel are prudent precautions and accepting their rights to have lower concerns. There is a selfish component to all of this as well. In a "perfect" world, I wouldn't be seeing S at all and we would be keeping our separate distances despite us both having a limited social circle and we would continue that for as long as this goes on for. But not being able to see her for the next couple of months, which is how this is looking like it will play out is a very hard thing to swallow as well.

There are no easy answers that I like.

Well - off to bed for me now.

No, Andrew...………...ALL of this is just a big, fat no. First, who the h3ll does S think she is? There is WAY too much coming and going at her place and she does NOT respect your choices. If she did, she would not ask you to come over, she would not drag her menagerie through her house or yours. Listen, I'm not one of those crazy conspiracy theorists sitting at home alone with my tinfoil hat on, but for the love of all things bright and beautiful, what part of STAY HOME do people not get. Andrew, you say S has a limited social circle, but her son works at a grocery store and her D19 and D19's bf seem to just come and go as usual. These people are NOT being careful or taking any of this seriously. You are the man and you are quite capable of putting your foot down and staying home and telling her to stay home. Yes, that is easy for me to stay because my man is in my house, but I'll just tell you right now for sure, if Sparky and I didn't live in the same house, we would NOT be seeing each other right now, as hard as it would be. I get you want to have Easter dinner and that is important to you, but you can do it some other time with S and her crew. Tell her to stay home AT HER HOUSE and you stay home AT YOUR HOUSE. Again, I'm not crazy or anything, but some of the legit news that I'm seeing on this whole deal makes sense and as much as I don't want to hear the d@mn phrase flatten the curve ever again, going out and about to S's house or dragging her brood through yours is NOT helping with that whole flattening thing. Yes, they have a right to have "lower concerns" as you put it, but that doesn't circumvent your rights to be concerned. I suspect that your desire to please S and her immaturity in response to an adult relationship is driving your "concerns" right now more than anything. Be smart, Andrew, and be safe. If S can't understand that, even with her "lower concerns" then I really think you need to question her overall emotional maturity as an adult. She is NOT behaving like an adult in any of this, but a spoiled, petulant teenager. It worries me for you. PLEASE take care of yourself first and foremost.

[Westo]

Please listen to Dawn, in EVERYTHING she has posted above.

Also remember, you have underlying health conditions. You need a CPAP machine to help you breathe. You should not have anyone else in your home during lockdown other than your son.

It’s just not worth the risk!

[Ginger1]

I could not echo these very smart ladies sentiments enough.

If S thinks you are taking this too seriously, let her talk to me. She has no idea what’s happening here. It is horrific. And if you don’t want it coming your way, you stay home! What she is doing would not even be conceivable where I am.

We are all sad. There are nurses who haven’t seen their own children . Grandparents who can’t see their kids. This is what we do to stop this. Nobody, and I mean not one soul is having “company” for Easter. Whoever lives in your house is who you are celebrating Easter or Passover with. It would be “rude” to do anything otherwise. My coworker usually hosts Easter I day with her 42 immediate family members. This year it is just her and her husband. She is sad, but this is what we do here. This is what should be done every where.

I feel like a has either a huge disconnection from reality or is just being really selfish. H*ll, I was being selfish when I wanted E to come over and I realized I was and I backed off of that.

You should not be over there where it is a free for all with people coming in and out especially when her son works at the grocery store. And others coming in and out of the house.

If anytime you stand up for yourself, let it be now. One person in a house gets it, everyone gets it. I would say if S was taking this seriously and properly protecting herself and her kids were and there was no traffic in the house it would be safe for her to come over, but she is not. It is not even safe for her to come by.

You need to lead and not follow here. I know you wait to see if someone invited themselves over for the meal, but you need to say no, I will not be having guests this year.

It’s bad over here. And it’s taking quite an effort to get flatten the curve.
Stay home! And close your doors!

[bttrfly]

Andrew, I am not hosting Easter. It means I won't see my cousins and I won't see K. I haven't seen K since ... February? Granted, we are not engaged, but he is someone I regularly see so this is weird. I haven't seen T probably in two months. This is highly unusual for us, as we are extremely close - my brother from another mother, and very best friend for 35 years now. He is on week 3 of an allegedly mild case of this. He won't even let me drop something off on his front steps - he doesn't want me to catch this. He told me the headaches are so bad he wants to shoot himself to make them stop - T is someone with a very, very high pain tolerance. Think about that please.

Here are some of the co-morbidities:
* being overweight
* being diabetic
* having hypertension
* having COPD
* cardiovascular disease

By virtue of needing a CPAP machine you most likely already have a few of the co-morbidities for Covid-19.

I have another close friend whose daughter is a respiratory therapist. While we in MA are in no way dealing with what G is dealing with, my friend's daughter had to intubate a woman in her early 30s, no co-morbidities, little kids at home and she probably isn't going to make it.

Don't you two lovebirds have the rest of your lives to spend together? So what's the problem with putting each other's health first and staying apart for a couple of measly weeks? Two friends of mine are engaged and isolating in their respective homes - they have not seen each other in three weeks now. They zoom, they talk on the phone, they FaceTime, but they do not visit in person, because each wants the other to stay safe.

I truly don't understand why there's so much coming and going between your homes. I don't understand why she got upset while you were home working. I don't understand a whole heck of a lot about your relationship. I don't need to but for the love of all that's holy start thinking of your health with the brain between your ears, not the one in your pants. There. I said it. Sorry. Not sorry. If she doesn't get it, then I'd start questioning where you really fall in her hierarchy of needs.

[AndrewP]

Happy Easter all! I wrote something yesterday and then closed the window without posting. I really wasn't "saying" anything but the exercise in writing / diarizing was good. I do think that when I eventually leave here for good that I'll probably start keeping a daily journal. It worked fairly well for me last summer.

I got some texts from good friends wishing me a Happy Easter including one of my best friends who happens to be Muslim. I responded back to him that it's times like this that I am reminding how kind God has been to us and that we are very fortunate men. I'm not a person of faith myself, but in many ways I do perhaps have a faith of sorts. Given that I firmly believe that I don't know how the universe works, I'm more than happy to accept the positing of others in the existence of God. Perhaps confusing. So many people believe one thing or another exclusive of other points of view. My friend enjoys all of the celebrations that go on even when they aren't part of his own Faith so I expect that he's having chocolate for breakfast and enjoying the love and care of his wife and daughters.

The Easter bunny arrived here, leaving large Kinder eggs and chocolate bunnies. S25s were untouched this morning although I know he was up several times through the night and for extended periods. My bedroom is directly over the kitchen and there's a cold air vent in the floor so I hear whenever anyone is rustling around. I'm a fairly light sleeper anyway.

More signs this morning that he's continuing to organize and pack. I wish I had a clear idea what his plans were but then again, I suspect that he's not got clear plans. Or he does and doesn't want to share them.

It's now been about 5 weeks of being "socially isolated". I'm finding that I need and take an awful lot of sleep. I'm "back to work" tomorrow and having that structure of needing to be at my desk and active between specific hours will be helpful I'm sure. My over-all health is pretty good and unlike some, I've actually lost a couple of pounds. I do need to add some more fruit and fresh veg to my diet though I think. I've been feeling "down" a bit lately. Partly perhaps diet, partly undoubtedly stress, and certainly in part missing having S around.

When I went in "to town" on Saturday for a dump run (couch is FINALLY gone - cost me $5) and for groceries, I was struck by how "normalized" things are. Most people not wearing any sort of PPE. Yes, there are Plexiglas guards up and the number of people in a store are limited but everyone seems to be just carrying on as normal while following the rules about keeping distance etc. I certainly stood out with my mask and gloves. People who a couple of weeks ago were in full panic mode are now carrying on as if there's nothing to be worried about.

We've not done too bad in my fairly isolated rural area. We have 2 new cases reported in the last 24 hours. 35 cases total and only 1 person who was hospitalized. There's a strong message sent out for the tourists and part-time residents to stay away. Our population, spread out over 2 counties is about 160,000 people mostly concentrated in the one small city which is where most of the cases have been. The state of emergency has been extended to about the end of the month now.

Going to start the prep-work for dinner shortly. The duck will only take a few hours in the oven. I'm going to pre-cut up the turnip and butternut squash though as I can do that in advance and then just prepare them. I'll need to get the timing down right though as I only have one oven. The duck can perhaps be out and resting while the squash cooks. Mashed potatoes with duck gravy and veg are also planned. S is bringing a carrot cake with cream cheese icing.

I'm not sure who will be attending - I'm expecting S and both of the boys which makes for a total of 5. The maximum gathering amount.

S13 is back with his Mom and brother at the apartment. He's been running wild so it would seem with his Dad with no structure at all so has been staying up until dawn. This has really thrown S's schedule which has never been good way way out of whack. She had said that she wanted to do some sort of outdoor Easter thing with them here but I don't know if that will happen especially given that the weather seems to be turning. We are in for a storm tomorrow.

There is not surprisingly, uncertainty about S17 and his plans. They were dependent on some other things that will perhaps be canceled. I'm just going to operate as if he's moving in here. I did reinforce to S that her D19 and BF weren't part of the move-in plan although their own housing is also up in the air (how do people live like that?) and she laughed and assured me that under no circumstances were they moving in too. They have multiple options that don't involve me at least. And the BF just gives me a creepy, uncomfortable vibe which S also feels too.

Well - time to stop staring at this white box I think and clean up the kitchen in preparation for making it messy again.

Stay safe everyone.

[AndrewP]

Not much going on here. "Back to work" which isn't much different from my vacation when I seemed to put in an hour or so most days anyway.

DnJ's storm blew through here in the last couple of days I think. According to pictures, a lighthouse in the town where my oldest brother and his wife live was badly damaged by waves and wind. It sits on a low island but high water levels and the storm appear to have the waves just wash right across.

Snow on the ground here this morning which is rapidly melting. Looking back in my Facebook Memories this appears to be a time of regular and severe power outages but at least here in my village we've been fortunate.

Had a rough night last night. I had a very intense dream about my ex-wife for the first time in a very very long time and was suddenly woken up around midnight by what I thought was the doorbell. Presuming that anyone ringing the doorbell on a dark house with no visible cars at night will try more than once, I stayed under the covers. No repeat. I did get up and looked and there were no footprints or tire tracks on the fresh snow in the drive so went back to bed figuring that it was just my imagination. It's happened before.

I then woke up again when S25 came home from work and then again around 2:00 and couldn't get back to sleep for almost 2 hours. Dragged my butt out of bed around 8:00 - made some calls to deal with some issues to make it look like I was functional and then made a very large pot of tea. Mushroom, spinach and cheese omelette for breakfast.

S and S13 came to Easter dinner. S17 didn't want to. S13 felt that the roast duck was identical to chicken. S dressed up for the event so I felt bad being in a sweatshirt and pants. She looked really nice and I made sure to tell her so. She brought a very nice carrot cake for desert. I'd expected them earlier in the day but they didn't show up until I was close to plating the dinner. We dragged S13 upstairs to see the work done on the room that will probably be his and got the usual un-enthusiastic "whatever" reaction.

Dinner was pretty good. I made far too much food expecting a 17 year old to show up but the leftovers are manageable. S helped out a bit and we again worked in the kitchen together without any issues. She lets me do my thing and I her and that's good when I'm trying to cook and plate 5 different dishes all at the same time. There's a fair amount of mashed potatoes to go through. I used the left-over vegetables as part of the duck stew I made yesterday.

S said that her D25 had stopped by just before Easter and they visited from a distance in the parking lot of S's apartment. Weird in some ways that D25 seems to have her act together better in some ways than her mother but from what I've gathered she had a lot of rapid growing up to do with multiple siblings especially after her mother's car accident when she was little and the recurring issues it causes.

I feel guilty about seeing S as it does in some ways violate the intent of the social distancing / stay home orders. I see others here who are also spending time with others outside their house or having them over and know that it is undoubtedly pretty common to think that it "won't hurt". My own S25 mentioned that he's going to the gas station regularly keeping his car topped up rather than minimizing those trips. And he continues to work.

As has been pointed out and I'm very aware of, I personally do have a number of risk factors. Not diabetic despite falling into the "hey big guy" category. No issues with COPD but high blood pressure etc plus, yes, not a "young" man either. When like last night, I start coughing in the night, I get paranoid. A glass of water and everything is fine.

I've become worried about the proliferation of conspiracy theories related to the pandemic that are floating around on social media. Several of which are propagated by friends who are otherwise pretty level headed. I comment when I think it can be helpful, fact check articles posted when I think they are suspect. It's well beyond my own ability to calm down though.

------------

My ex-wife has been on my mind lately in part because I know she's laid-off from work and also because it "that time of the month" when I send her her support payment. I expect that she's looking for it now and I usually send it a couple of days early. It's due tomorrow which is payday for me. Sending it to her now would put me well into my line of credit. Sending it tomorrow morning is probably fine.

It's not as if I actually have "caring" feelings for her or even any real curiosity about what's going on in her life. The little I know is more than sufficient.

Looking back it's now pretty much exactly 4 years ago that I snooped and found out about her affair and went into a downward spiral that took a long time and much help to get out of. I went back and re-read my first post here - how times have changed. And I've changed too. I'm much more resilient. Just now, I'm wondering if she would even recognize the person I've become who is the person I like to think that I always was. But probably not the person she thought I was. Perhaps she's changed too. I do hope that the anger that consumed her from around when her affair heated up and lasted long after she left has abated.

I no longer have any thoughts or worries about her circling back around. Yes - some do that especially if things don't work out for them. I can I think presume that she has gotten what she left for. Whether it's what she wants now or not could be the subject of debate.

I also wonder about B and do miss her. Easter was a big time for her being at least superficially Catholic, enthusiastically Italian and an excellent baker. For the best that that didn't work out. On a whim I checked and I can still see her social media but her step-son it seems has recently blocked me. Perhaps I'm on her mind too and it's being shut down by those around her. While it could have worked, neither of us were able to to make it work for our own various reasons. And it's best over-all that it didn't I still think. I get the itch to ask about her and her mother who is in her 90s and a dear but know that that isn't an itch to be scratched.

--------

Not sure when I'll be seeing S again or for how long. She thinks she may be by tomorrow with the boys to have them stretch their legs in the back yard - something not available to them at the apartment. S17 is also fairly enthusiastic about the rabbit hutch which is getting close to complete. I've been making tweaks to the design as I go along based on what will work best in my mind and what I happen to have on hand. All hardware stores are closed for in-store shopping. Even though I usually like to buy surprise gifts, I've told S in advance that she's getting a new propane BBQ for her birthday at the start of May. She has a clearer idea on what she wants than I do so her input is necessary.

Well - time to stick a fork in this post and call it done.

Have a great day all.

[Ginger1]

Andrew,

I have been debating telling you something because I don’t want to scare you.

The highest risk group and the ones that are getting hit very very hard are men in their 50’s and 60’s who are overweight, with high blood pressure and/or diabetes. They are not doing as well as the rest of the population. I’ve noticed this from the beginning since I was tracing the first patients and the doctors and studies have shown this.

I have seriously debated on sharing this with you. I don’t want to scare you, I don’t want you to think it’s coming from a bad place, but I need to be honest with you. You are most definitely high risk. And if S truly loves you, she will be ok with the tightening of the rules. I’m not saying don’t see her. Would that be the best move considering she is not taking this so seriously and neither are her kids who live in the house and there is a lot of traffic and high risk job going on I think hag house. I know you will not stop seeing her . But at least, try to keep a social distance. Go for walks . Spend tome out side chatting and having tea. Her family stays OUT of your house.
I know you aren’t not going to see her. But please, tighten up. Please.

[AndrewP]

Thanks Ginger1 - I like to think that I'm aware that I'm absolutely in a higher risk group. And I am taking the distancing and stayhome precautions seriously. Not quite as seriously as I could but I like to think that I'm doing not too bad.

I wear a mask when I go out. I try to limit my trips out to once a week and one local location only. I keep sanitizer in the car and use it whenever I touch anything outside my bubble I watch my health closely.

S's apartment isn't quite the Grand-Central-Station that it might sound like. She hasn't seen any of her friends nor the random kids that she's "Mom'd" over the years since this started. Her boys haven't seen their friends either as far as I know and S17 stocks shelves and wipes down things, follows all the procedures and his hands are red from washing so much. He then goes home and lurks in his room. Her D19 does come over and that's the largest risk factor. She isn't going out with friends either though - but it does expand the circle. And it only takes one combination of things to have it all go to pot. And those at a 3rd degree or farther we have no clue on what they may be doing.

I do appreciate the concern though. Thank you. And you stay safe too please. I worry about your XH in coming over so much, both in terms of what he may be carrying with him and also because he may well be circling for the pounce.

[Dawn70]

I feel guilty about seeing S as it does in some ways violate the intent of the social distancing / stay home orders. I see others here who are also spending time with others outside their house or having them over and know that it is undoubtedly pretty common to think that it "won't hurt". My own S25 mentioned that he's going to the gas station regularly keeping his car topped up rather than minimizing those trips. And he continues to work.

Andrew....you are such a cut-up. Did you SERIOUSLY just use the "but all the other kids are doing it" excuse? Yes, others are doing it and I'm sure many think it "won't hurt", but for the love of all things bright and beautiful, people, STAY THE H#LL HOME! As you well know from my facebook, I'm SUPER family oriented and I haven't seen anyone in my family in a month now. It is KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I see Sparky, Sparky's mom once or twice a week when I deliver groceries to her house, and occasionally the cleaning lady when I go work from my office because my laptop crashed and I need to access a computer. I had to get special permission from the dean of the college to be able to get into the building to work and they are monitoring who comes and goes and when in an effort to make sure that we aren't all congregating in here without anyone's knowledge. Yesterday, I did see one of my fellow biology faculty members, but he stood outside my closed office door and talked to me through the window just long enough to say hello and ask me if I and Sparky were doing ok. I asked after he and his wife then went back to work as he walked away.

I know you think you are doing a good job and I think, for the most part you are. You said in a response to someone's comment that there isn't quite the revolving door at S's house that it seems, but from this perspective, based on what you tell us, there is. S13 goes between her house and his dad's. Who knows who else that dad is exposed to? S17 works in a grocery store. I get that he's a stocker and wipes stuff down and is taking all the precautions, but is he not the same one who has issues with wearing a mask because of social anxiety? And, just because he's not customer-facing, doesn't mean he isn't still coming into contact with a LOT of people and a lot of surfaces that a lot of people are touching. Then her D19 and her bf....well, come on now, you already did the math on that one. So maybe they aren't being as social as they usually would but they still are being social and live somewhere else. I don't know about there, but here in AR, our governor is one of the few hold-outs in the whole nation who has NOT issued a mandatory stay-at-home, shelter in place order and I am just shocked that people are just out and about like normal. I had to go pick up groceries from Walmart yesterday (ordered through the app and delivered to my truck in the parking lot....I didn't even get out) and the parking lot was PACKED. What the heck. I'm glad your village is doing well and perhaps even beating the odds, but people have to be careful. I said it before and I'll say it one more time, then I'll quit beating a dead horse, but if you are being careful and S and her family aren't, you are still at risk. It is kind of like swimming in a pool with a bunch of little kids and thinking that when (not if but when because you KNOW someone will do it) one of them urinates in the pool, you won't get any on you. Maybe not directly, but it is still there. You know what I mean?

And now that I sound like a crazy person, I'll get off my soap box and take off my tinfoil hat. LOL

In all seriousness, Andrew, I think you are a very bright guy and I know you know the risks. I think you are just blinded by love. Not necessarily a bad thing, but don't let it completely ruin your common sense.

[DonH]

I was going to post a lot more but I know many are not going to agree with me no matter what. This country has been deeply divided for years now and this covid stuff is deepening the divide. We’ve had people un-friending or not associating anymore because they support (or hate) trump. Now I see the same thing happening with covid. We are all guided by what we see and what we live. Get ready Andrew I’m actually about to be on your side!

Ginger I have no doubt that based on what you are living you have been greatly effected by covid. However the rest of the country is not like NYC or NJ. Not even close. Even the “carnage” that we were promised would happen in NYC - mass graves, deaths into 6 figures, hospitals over run, running out of vents, allowing older people to die to save younger. - none of this has happened and at this point clearly will not. THE MODELS WERE WRONG! I could go on and on and perhaps will but that should be on my own thread - not on Andrews.

My point in posting is the assertion that Andrew is high risk. I’m not sure what research or standards you are using ginger but I pulled the CDC list for people higher at risk. Based on what I know of Andrew let’s check the boxes

————————————————————————

From the CDC

“Based on what we know now, those at high-risk for severe illness from COVID-19 are:“

- People 65 years and older. NO
- People who live in a nursing home or long-term care facility. NO

People of all ages with underlying medical conditions, particularly if not well controlled, including:
- People with chronic lung disease or moderate to severe asthma. NO
- People who have serious heart conditions MAYBE. (Not sure if Andrew counts as “serious” with high BP and stable angina)
- People who are immunocompromised. NO
- People with severe obesity (body mass index [BMI] of 40 or higher). NO (at least I don’t think Andrew has a 40+ BMI)
- People with diabetes. NO
- People with chronic kidney disease undergoing dialysis. NO
- People with liver disease. NO

Based on this list I’m not sure how he’s putting himself in grave risk. We really need to start looking at actual science and data as we SEE IT - not FEEL IT or even forecast or model it. Andrew May have one risk factor on this list. Is Andrew at higher risk than if he locked himself in his house - of course he is. However life is a risk. Driving cars, riding on a motorcycle without a helmet, not getting vaccines, playing sports, on and on. Life is choices that manage risk and always has been. Well until a few months ago anyhow. Is life worth living without any risk?

I’m going to stop here though I’d love to address the state’s like Dawns not trying to lock everyone in their house. Thank god we have them as a control group. And you know what, most if not all have less cases and less death than the locked down states. I may resume this on my own thread. As for Andrew, I wanted to provide a less emotional view of what his actual risk factors are - at least according to the CDC. See Andrew - I sometimes agree with and eve. Defend you! Who would have thought!!!

Again, I know you’ve been through the ringer ginger. I know your area has been hit way harder than most. This would take a toll and start to scare anyone. Just remember all of us are not living what you are. Over 10,000 deaths in NYC. Less than 200 in my entire state - more than half in one county and 95% above the age of 75. We are all not in New York or New Jersey. I suspect Andrews area may have even less cases than Dawn and I do in our states.

[Ginger1]

I’m not going to get into it Don, but what they feared is happening . Hospitals are over run, we are running out of PPE, out of qualified professionals, out of equipment, out of space . We had a nursing facility roll a bunch of patient into their own makeshift morgue because they had no where to send the patients. Actually, yes, doctors are making decisions if people live or die. I learned this in a crash course this weekend.

What you report is highly inaccurate. I’m sorry. I’m glad you aren’t seeing it. Maybe you aren’t seeing it because it was controlled by social distancing in your area. Maybe if social distancing wasn’t happening you guys could begin to look like us here.

Majority of my patients on vents are men in 50’s and 60’s fighting for their lives. Some with no Comorbids. Some woth just hypertension. They are not doing well. And they are dying along with the 65 and older crowd.

So unless you live it, out your life at risk everyday to save other lives form this awful contagious illness that has no cure and no rhyme or reason or is highly contagious and haven’t been dealing with it since it came to the US, you can only take your info from the news.

I take my info from what I am currently living. And when you put yourself at risk , you put others at risk.

And right now we have a 90 year old man on comfort care dying right now and his 51 year old son on life support in the ICU right now. And he didn’t even have comorbids.

But yeah, we should just go about our normal business, right ?

[kml]

We are all guided by what we see and what we live

No, some of us are guided by the SCIENCE!

And no - the projections weren't wrong - the projections were what would happen without social distancing. The difference between San Francisco and New York City largely has to do with earlier implementation of social distancing and school closures.

Good for you that your community is doing well, Don - but don't make the mistake of assuming you're immune. 300 infected at the Smithfield plant in South Dakota. And likely, if you're in rural America, your local hospitals have very little ability to accommodate multiple ICU admissions.

DR. Fauci said it best ;"If we do our job well, they'll say we over-reacted". New York City proves it wasn't overreacting. You are not immune where you are - more likely it will continue or reach a second peak in those parts of the US where people are not willing to follow the guidelines. I actually think rural America will be hardest hit in the long run, precisely because they think they're "different" when they're not.

[AndrewP]

Actually Ginger1 and Dawn - I'm on your side.

If by staying home I can save even just one life then I really should be doing it. I like the logic being used to promote mask wearing. It's not to save me, it's to save everybody else.

This is why I sit abashed and "take my medicine" when it is dished out to me even if I do grumble a bit. I take as many precautions as I can to keep myself, those I care about and my community safe. I also encourage others including S and her family to do the same.

I live in an imperfect world and am an imperfect man. If I was only worried about my own life, I would undoubtedly take more risks. But I worry about everyone else too. The elderly lady who lives next door to me. The woman in her 60s and her grand-daughter on the other side. My artist friend who lives down the street that teases me each time he sees me not wearing a bow tie. S and her kids. My friend who is going to bake a cake for S's birthday in a few weeks who I will leave an envelope of cash on her doorstep when I pick up the cake that is sitting there and probably wave to like mad to her through her window. Yes, I'll be hosting a party for S's birthday in a few weeks. It will be most likely attended only by our boys and I'll box up pieces of cake for her daughters to pick up from the porch.

I take more precautions than most of those I see around me. I have no problem standing out as "that guy in his mask". I try to limit my trips in "to town" to once a week and make those trips focused. But I "do" take more risks than I should.

My son goes only to work and back. No poker games. No playing B-Ball with his friends. He gets and appreciates that he gets a wellness check every shift. He chastises me every time I muse about going somewhere.

I've read and listened to the science of virology as much as I can understand it. I'm a student of history and am aware of the impact of epidemic disease on a society and how it can spread like wildfire. And I care about my community and the people in it. We recently converted our local hockey arena into an overflow area for the local hospital using materials donated by local companies. Everyone's greatest wish is that we will never have to use it. Nobody of my acquaintance is considering that a waste of time and resources. It's like the fire extinguisher hanging by my door. I test it and keep it fully charged and if I never have to use it, it's money well spent.

[bttrfly]

as someone with a close family member (brother from another mother) battling this disease, you don't want it. argue about it all you want. trust me when i say the struggle is real for those who have this and thank God his version is mild.

A dear friend in Cali's partner is flying out Sunday to NYC, heavily recruited as an X-ray tech to work at a major hospital there on the Covid floor. He wants to be of service, despite having weak lungs. It's a potential suicide mission for him, but he's going to go because that's what he's trained to do and he wants to help.

If staying home keeps anyone safe, I too am all for it. The old argument about willing to lose some freedom for potential safety - yes, someone else's, not necessarily my own.

I'll shut up now. Carry on.

[JujuB]

Don - There’s a great YouTube video you can google “Urgent messages from Italians in quarantine” if you haven’t watched it already. I hope that your part of the country doesn’t experience what this part of the country is experiencing. I personally have a family member that just died from it and know plenty of people who have family members that have died or are dying. I think the media is probably under reporting a lot of the stuff that’s going on too. Like my friends grandma died in a nursing home - and no coverage even though others were sick too and it was not labeled as corona cause they didn’t want to waste the test on her. They act like they have tests - but they don’t.

My guess is that our mass transportation system and infrastructure was what made it worse here. Also they relied on businesses to shut themselves down instead of initially mandating very greedy corporations to shut down for the safety of their workers and their families.

But I just saw mass protests out west - my god! No one knows how this will effect them for sure. I think underestimating it sends a dangerous message

[bttrfly]

Juju I'm sorry for the loss of your family member. Stay safe xoxo

[AndrewP]

Happy Friday! It feels weird as it's difficult to keep track of what day it is. Perhaps a good thing that I have one of those "pill a day" boxes to organize my meds

I spent some time working on the rabbit hutch last night and am getting close to getting it done. Putting on the top floor was quite the nuisance. I ended up having to disassemble the framing to get it in. My workshop won't be the same after all this as I'm having to search through the shelves for random fasteners as I run out of screws and my scrap wood stacks are pretty low. Undoubtedly a good thing. I still have to figure out the wire doors on the front. I've seen a few that should work that are easy.

This weekend's goal is to get the bottom floor done and perhaps a bit more. My workshop in the cellar has very limited headroom so I do find working down there a bit tiring. Once I get it put together I'll move it to the enclosed front porch which is where it may stay for now. Or not.

A blog post on another site plus the current circumstances have me wondering about my ex-wife who has been on my mind a fair bit lately. I'm confident that she doesn't want anything to do with me and that is mutual. Even though we had - at least looking through rose coloured glasses - a lot of good years - the ending and the apparently callous way she threw it all away can't be set aside. I send her her money every month. I suspect she's socking it away for retirement but don't know. I just sent payment 30 of 77 via e-transfer. I never get any sort of acknowledgement back. In about 4 years I'll need her to do some final paperwork to take her name off of one of my insurance policies and then that's that.

I've got it a lot better than many who have to interact with their ex spouse or are fed or snoop out information. It's really as if she doesn't exist at all. I purged her out of much of my social media in a snit one day quite a while ago and so unless I'm looking at old pictures for some reason, most days she doesn't even cross my mind. Which is good because then there are no fresh hurts.

-----------

Some good news / odd news on the job front. As many here might suspect, I'm an "IT" guy. Been doing it for a "lot" of years. With my current employer for about 17 of them. Did a lot of free-lance back in the day. I like to think that I'm pretty good at it because I try to focus on what the purpose of the things I build are for the business. I had a recent chat to the president of the division closest to where I live - the acid plant - and he's now set up a plan to transition me to essentially be his backup. The way it's been talked to me in the past is in the context that I would be his successor but I think that those sort of thoughts are pretty premature. It's now become more official as of yesterday. I may get a new title. I got a new hat a while ago.

I have a "lot" to learn as while I know a lot about the business from a process point of view, the day to day sort of things I have no clue on. Much of what I need to learn is standard clerical stuff that keeps the business operating. I have about 10 online safety training courses to go through as well.

It's a nice logical progression. Generally speaking I like the company and the people. Being involved in this plant means as well that even if the company restructures yet again, which is not out of the question, that the plant will continue and my role with it. I have to earn it though through hard work.

Business continues to slow down for the non-critical customers. Both of our plants seem fairly busy though as we continue to supply in to markets that will continue to operate. I was surprised to find out that one of our divisions is only now transitioning staff to working remotely. A couple of people have been put on reduced hours but most are staying active.

-------------

Going out this morning for my weekly trip in "to town". Stopping at the post office to see if there is any mail and then groceries. I'm going to a different store than usual as there are some things on the list that I need that aren't at my regular store and I want to minimize how many places I stop at. One of S13 prescriptions is ready for pickup too and I'll do that and drop it off so that S doesn't have to go out. I've been promised a smooch.

I'll be taking time away from work (I put in lots of hours already) to do this as I figure that it will be less busy late on a Friday morning than on the weekend when I'd normally go. I have my mask clean and waiting by the door for me. I've debated ordering a couple. The people who I would normally buy bow ties from have switched their production to fabric masks and there are some cool designs as they re-purpose the cotton, silk or microfiber cloth they normally use. While I hope that this will all be over - any day now - I suspect that the new normal for probably through the summer at least will be social distancing and mask wearing. And if I have to wear a mask, why not be stylish - hmmm?

I've been writing here more than normal I know. It gives me a necessary outlet for my thoughts. I like to think that I'm not lonely although I am pretty alone. Interaction with S25 is perhaps 3 minutes / day as he passes by the office on his way to work. Now that S13 is with his mom, I've been seeing a lot less of her as well.

I think that for many of us, that we are going through this in the same way that we went through the stages of grief during our divorce. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I never had much anger but I'm still working around the other stages. Trying to find that place where I fit into the world that is around me.

[HaWho]

Andrew - congrats! So very happy for you. That is nice news.

A while ago you mentioned you were seeking some alternative drinks. I believe you had your mind on non alcoholic wine but were finding they tasted pretty bad. I am wondering if you’ve tried any of the kombuchas on the market? We have really nice brands here in SoCal and a crazy assortment of flavors. There are very good alcoholic and non alcoholic brands.

Just thought I would mention as you are running to the market and may want to try some options if you have not already done so? S might like some of the non-alcoholic options.

[bttrfly]

congrats on the job news A ...
you can have ALLLL the kambucha that was set aside for me. I hate the stuff!

[AndrewP]

Thank HaWho / bttrfly - Got back from the grocery store a short while ago. I have not tried kombuchas. Perhaps I will for me. S can't have it because it does have some alcohol in it but it's a small enough amount I think that it should be fine for me.

There is a sparkling drink that I had in Spain that was pretty good but I can't recall what it is at the moment.

---------

One funny to me - side effect of the changes in the grocery stores is that they direct the traffic by putting one-way arrows in the aisles now. I was waiting for the person ahead of me (who it turned out was texting their mother) and a few things ended up in my cart that happened to be right where I was stopped. Fresh chocolate chip cookies (from a pre-done mix) just greeted S25 as he got up for his shift. The shop was almost out of eggs for some reason so I only got one dozen. We eat a "lot" of eggs here. S25 told me later that there's a posting on the bulletin board at work for farm fresh eggs for less than what they are at the grocery store so we'll probably start doing that. I joked that he'll need to come for dinner every Sunday so that he can deliver the eggs.

More people wearing masks but not a lot. One young lady was surprised and a bit flattered when I complimented her's. It had skull and crossbones on it and I was curious where she got it. A friend made it for her. I've reached out to a seamstress in the village who mainly does wedding dresses and such to see if she can make me some. I know that she's done a good number on a volunteer basis for health care workers.

S25 chatted a bit before he headed off for work. He's pretty pleased that he's now full time with benefits. He's started to look for an apartment but not put a lot of effort in to it yet. So perhaps my assumption he was going to be staying with his mother is off. I do honestly have no idea what his relationship is with her but I can't see it being a very close one. It hasn't been since he was S18 and moved out for the first time. I'm grateful that we seem to have a pretty solid relationship but then, I'm the parent he sees every day who makes sure that there's food in the fridge, bills are paid etc and treats him with dignity and respect.

[kml]

Masks and social distancing may be the new norm for the next year or two, so go ahead and buy some fun masks.

[AndrewP]

Today's forecast. Scattered sunshine and breezy. First load of laundry out on the line. Second load has to wait because S is sleeping on it. She and S13 and the dog came over yesterday afternoon to spend the weekend.

Her little dog - who is perhaps too smart for me - woke up when I got up for my breakfast, S13 let her out of his room, she came right downstairs, visited the yard and then right back up to curl up in bed with "Mom". I think I'm being trained buy a critter who barely comes up past my ankles.

Despite superficial appearances, I do tend to think hard on what people here tell me. It just takes time to get through my thick skull sometimes. More and more from what I see and what I've read, I do think that S does fall in part into the "love addict" mold. Not that any one label can completely describe something as complex as a human being nor the interactions between them. She's certainly been struggling in the last week or so when we've not been able to spend much time together. She said that she hadn't slept in over 24 hours when she came over. Up to recently, I've been classifying how she behaves and communicates with me as just being dramatic and enthusiastic. It may actually be part of who she is. It may also be that she is having limerence for longer than I have. She is diagnosed with ADHD and is on medication for that so that may be a factor as well. She's commented that she has a reputation for being "flighty" which has a certain amount merit. We've found that for us it can work well. She sees and notices so many things simultaneously where I have the drive to focus and get things done. We've recognized this and used it to our advantage more than once.

On the one hand, this is a bit of an ego boost to have her continuing to be so attracted even after all this time - about 7 months now. It's not as if I can do no wrong in her eyes, it's just basic attraction. The cynic / realist in me can wonder if this is a facade. I doubt it but that can't be completely discounted even again - after this time. With pretty much all of my romantic relationships - not that there's been a lot - there has been that immediate intense attraction by the other person. In some cases it was sustainable and became a comfortable day to day thing like my marriage, or the person went on to another target, or ended when it was obvious that it was being forced like with B last summer.

For me, now that I have a specific plan and date, I'm settling into the landing path towards co-habitation. I want to make sure that this works for the long term which I have practice with and S doesn't. That's where it's too bad that we can't see her IC and have some help working that out. My reading on the topic hasn't been clear - perhaps my confirmation bias clouding things. The normal target for a love addict is a love avoidant that they chase after but never really catch. I'm an old dog sitting on a log and pretty darned easy to catch. Scratch my belly and I'll follow you home.

A friend of mine, who's not even divorced yet, has been dating a woman for about 3 months now. She's pushing him to get married and her move in. They each have good professional jobs and big houses. My friend is pushing back because he's not ready and that he wants his two girls to be safely launched first. I'm watching to see how that turns out.

I have heard back from my lawyer. They have closed their office but will be happy to do up the pre-nup when they re-open.

Going to keep my eyes and ears open. Do some more reading. The key here I think is making sure that each of our expectations are matched with the reality we build together. We each have things we enjoy doing separate from the other. Preserving that and respecting that is I think part of the path as well.

------

In other news, the local seamstress that I contacted is going to do up 2 masks for me which I can pick up tomorrow. She's refusing payment despite me pushing to pay. She'd set herself a goal to make 100 masks and is up to 80. She most likely will get business from me for bow ties for the wedding. As well as a bit of free press.

This weekend's plans are to try to get the rabbit hutch more or less done. I can visualize the last few construction steps and am only stuck on how to do the doors in the wire. There's 2 or 3 ways that I can do them all of which will work just fine.

S13 mentioned that he's going back to his Dad's on Monday so I expect they'll be staying here until then. He's going to perhaps learn how to mix plaster and patch walls.

[JujuB]

Andrew - have you read up on adhd? Amen has a good book on it describing different types. It might be helpful for you to understand the brain chemistry behind it. It’s more then just being scatter brained and losing your keys but good at multi tasking. Many adhd people thrive on conflict and learning how to approach it might help you to prepare.

[CanBird]

ADHD : that's this gal! That's me! I like to call it "special smart". A different way of thinking. I have been in high funtioning positions with & without medication. Diagnosed over 20 years ago. I read an article about it and had that AH HA!!! moment. I knew that was me.

[AndrewP]

Andrew - have you read up on adhd? Amen has a good book on it describing different types. It might be helpful for you to understand the brain chemistry behind it. It’s more then just being scatter brained and losing your keys but good at multi tasking. Many adhd people thrive on conflict and learning how to approach it might help you to prepare.

ADHD : that's this gal! That's me! I like to call it "special smart". A different way of thinking. I have been in high funtioning positions with & without medication. Diagnosed over 20 years ago. I read an article about it and had that AH HA!!! moment. I knew that was me.

I would have my doubts about Dr. Amen - not because I'm familiar with his work, but because he seems focused on marketing quick fixes etc. The one quote on his Wikipedia page describes some of his work as "spectacularly meaningless." With that said, he may be right on the ball but from what I saw during some brief browsing, is that most of his work isn't all that accessible to "my" brain.

S is I believe fairly self-aware about the way her brain works. Having kids with similar issues that she's had to manage on her own probably helps with that. She's had to for example learn the different ways that her kids will process information and build structures to assist them. She knows that she has limitations on her own processes. Making appointments is hard on her - she's needed to make an appointment to have the brakes on her van looked at for some months. She'll often have a dozen different craft projects in various stages of completion - mostly cross-stitch. Meal planning doesn't. But I've seen her throw a healthy, nutritious meal together in short order out of seemingly random ingredients on a moment's notice. Something that I am absolutely not capable of.

The losing the keys thing is perhaps a good example. Since we've met, S has lost her cell phone while we were on a hike, the keys to her storage locker and her engagement ring. They've all turned up eventually. She doesn't fuss about them being lost and so I don't either and just have confidence that they'll show up. I on the other hand can tell you exactly where my 1997 taxes are and give you a good guess as to how many 1 1/4" wood screws are in my workshop and where to find them.

She does I think like the fact that I am a planner. She was excited asking what I was going to be doing for Sunday supper counting on the fact that I usually have that planned out days in advance. She likes the fact that I have no issue going around organizing and tidying and cleaning up. And she appreciates the fact that I have no issue with it all being turned back into chaos when she is creating.

We also have things that grate. Her apparent lack of focus or being methodical when trying to figure something out is frustrating to me. My tendency to go on long long long explanations over trivial things, especially when she's trying to sleep frustrates her.

I think that there's a lot of potential for us as a team as long as we respect and understand those things that each brings.

JuJu / CanBird - even though I'm initially discounting Dr. Amen's work, tips on how to navigate this successfully would be appreciated. I'm not a "self-help" kind of guy though. More a "New Yankee Workshop" sort S does read a lot of books about ADHD and online articles and they seem to help her quite a bit.

---------

Rabbit hutch is almost done. Both floors are in. There is a bit of a question if the opening for the ramp from one level to another is big enough but the consensus between S and S13 is "probably" and that it's worth giving it a try. Easy enough to cut it bigger. I just need to finish the top which is easy, install the wire front and make doors. We're going to put it in the enclosed front porch for now. It' 4' high, 8' long and 2' deep. Each rabbit will get probably about 3 times the space in a commercial hutch. Not counting the cost of what came out of my scrap lumber pile I'm probably into it for about $60.

S told me yesterday that S17's plan to move in with his buddy is a definite yes with an indefinite time to happen. I'm just going with the flow and making sure that there's a place here if it's needed.

She went through something similar with her oldest son years ago and as far as I know it all worked out just fine. More than one way to parent I would presume.

[AndrewP]

Snowy blowy day here. Not "winter" but certainly not spring. The wee birds are enjoying my feeder and S spotted a cardinal there yesterday which made her feel nostalgic for where she grew up and she commented that it really made her feel that this was "home" now.

She dropped off S13 to his dad yesterday afternoon for about a week and went back to her apartment for a couple of days. I think she's planning on coming back here tomorrow or the next day. I think that now we have the certainty of a "move-in date" that her own planning and expectations are coming together much better. She has a definite strategy now of what she's bringing over and when and what she's leaving at the apartment for now.

There's a couple of big things that will require coordination such as her convection stove (mine's a regular one) and her dining room table which is much nicer than what's here. There are a few things we want that are usually available at yard sales and lots we have to get rid of which would also be yard sale but - no yard sales. Hopefully by late May that won't be an issue any more. She'll be giving notice at the first of May which still gives us through into June to move stuff.

The start of May which will also be S's 52nd birthday. I've been coordinating things with her kids and BFF. We're planning on a video chat presuming that gatherings of more than 5 still aren't allowed. Cake has been ordered and will be available for "porch pickup". S picked out what BBQ she wanted and I drove up to the local city yesterday after work with the utility trailer and got it at Home Depot. I was pleased with how well the process went. I ordered it online for pickup. My instructions were to call first but that just got me the instructions to go to the store. They had the parking lot laid out with markers, I drove to the designated spot after checking in with the person standing outside. A few minutes later someone wheeled out the big box, loaded it and I was on my way. It's in the shed right now still in the box and I need to check with S to see if she wants me to assemble it (probably). I also picked up a full tank of propane.

I wore one of the new fabric masks I got with a tissue folded into 4 layers between the layers of fabric as a bit extra protection. It fit well and was very comfortable so I wore it from when I stopped at the hardware store until my last human interaction before gong home. At home, I removed the tissue, threw it into the laundry pile, then thorough hand washing. Now that I have a total of 5 fabric masks that will make life a bit easier as I can be confident of always having one clean and ready to go. I agree with what kml suggested - this is going to be the normal for a while. I'm still very much in the minority wearing them here though but I no longer feel awkward about it.

While I was out and since S wasn't going to be here for a day or so, I stopped off and picked up some beer. I was rather surprised that the beer store (essentially a province-wide monopoly here) was very low on stock. They laughed when I asked for a 12 of a popular brand but my second choice had a bit in stock although they had to put random singles into a box for me. I've not read anything about a shortage so if this is indeed a thing, I expect that there will be a run on the beer and liquor stores shortly. It undoubtedly won't be pretty.

I'd had a suspicion on where my ex and OM had moved to - a new high end subdivision so drove around that as it was sort of - kind of - not really on my way home. No sign of their vehicles so I may well have been wrong.

As those who are playing the home game know, I've been thinking of her probably far too much lately. Not obsessively - those days are long in the past - but just out of a curiosity on if she's well and safe. The comments on DnJ's thread makes me think. Unlike his or OwnIt's phantoms, I don't think that my ex is ever going to hit any sort of bottom. She'll probably hover along as she has for the rest of her life. She's got her OM and presumably his money and mine. She has as much of a relationship with her kids as she really ever had before bomb-day which was never much. The closest enabling echo chamber friends she had before are as far as I'm aware still around. Despite her being an extrovert, she never really had many friends so is undoubtedly fine. My channels of intel were shut down a while ago so I don't know anything more and am fine with that.

She undoubtedly has the guilt and shame of what went on although she always was good at manipulating her personal truth to be whatever she wanted it to be. I would expect that she's well informed on what is going on in my life if she chooses to be. She certainly appeared wrapped up in that last year when she lurked in the shrubberies and got suddenly involved in S25's life helping him buy a car and taking him for driving practice. But time keeps moving along and she's not stuck her head above the parapet since then. She did seem to follow the MLC script to the letter including the obligatory tattoos but there's no sign of her spiraling out of control.

She did always love and made a point of making sure I knew how much she appreciated the stability of our life together. Living in the same house for more than half her life and almost our entire marriage was very different from the uncertainty of her youth. I've always been a decent provider and I know she was very upset when right around bomb-day that I was interviewing for a job that would have both been a cut in pay and also less stable - but a lot more interesting. Even though she was in the throes of her affair and those dreams - whatever they were - she made her displeasure clear at the possibility of a decrease in her stability.

Now she's laid off from the job she loved and that in large part defined her. She burned a lot of bridges with people and organizations that were key parts of her life back then so she doesn't have that any more. She had started drinking steadily about around when her affair started and given the whole "wine Mom" culture thing that seems to be pervasive I can see that being a regular part of her life. She is a bit of a problem drinker. Not that she have a problem with the drinking, but tended to make very poor choices and say thing that she shouldn't when she did drink. I always drank more than her, but tended to tell longer, more boring stories when I did and then go for a nap.

She does have quite the temper though and I always wondered how and why OM put up with her. Her only real risk is if OM goes "a-wandering" which is certainly not out of the question. While my ex maybe would have few good choices to replace him, as I am well aware, there are quite a few available women out there. Perhaps that's not crossed either of their minds though

Ah well - not my monkey. Not my circus. I certainly can't imagine her barging in to my wedding - whenever that might happen - bellowing out "I object". Nor can I imagine her doing anything other than trying to be a model wife right now fetching OM's metaphorical pipe and slippers upon demand. The dynamics of our marriage where she was very much dominant and in charge, based on the little I know, I can't see being repeated with them.

------------

Ah well - time to stick a fork into this post and call it done. I need to up my game a bit with work and dig in a bit more.
It's far too easy to get distracted even when I've worked from home consistently for much of my career. One of the challenges with working from home is that the hours appear rather flexible. I get emails that expect fairly prompt responses from about 7:30 am to a bit after 6:00 pm most days. This makes sleeping in and putting pants on a challenge but fortunately for video conference calls, most can't tell that I'm "Donald Ducking" it

Depending on how the day goes, I may have a nice soak in the tub. Given the current state of the world, I now buy the extra large jug of epsom salts instead of the little packages.

[kml]

Tigers don't change their stripes, don't assume her relationship with OM will be any better than hers with you was.

I know my ex seems happy with his new wife (who was not one of his affair partners thank goodness, and I don't have any ill will towards her). But I'm pretty sure eventually he will be critical of her too, she too will be dancing on eggshells trying to keep him happy, and she's stuck with a much older, grumpier, version of the guy I had. I had many good years out of my marriage and I probably got the best of him. I'm sure he misses many of my better qualities. But I wouldn't have him back on a silver platter now that I realize how much I was putting up with in my marriage and I suspect you wouldn't either.

[AndrewP]

I had many good years out of my marriage and I probably got the best of him. I'm sure he misses many of my better qualities. But I wouldn't have him back on a silver platter now that I realize how much I was putting up with in my marriage and I suspect you wouldn't either.

I've joked that I got all of her "good boob years" She had a very Rubenesque form when we met which then turned rather spherical after she found her preferred vocation of sitting on the couch eating potato chips. She trimmed down prior to and during her affair but pictures I saw of her from a couple of years ago have her being heavier than ever. And undoubtedly her health, skin and mobility issues continue to be a problem for her. And her temper and hoarding certainly aren't things I miss.

I've joked to S when she says "where have you been all these years" and say "in training". She's getting the guy with an established career, able and eager to cook and clean, who has no interest in "running around", and does his best to be an attentive partner in all the various roles he may have. I still have all my own hair including down my back and all my own teeth too and like to think that I clean up fairly decently.

[exquisitetobe]

Andrew, i am not hijacking your thread. I just want you to see that many stories on here are parallel.

In this pandemic time, my ex-h has been in my thoughts.
I do worry about him. Yes, he was awful and abusived to us at bomb but he was not that way through our entire marriage. He was a very good, loving, caring man and father.

I am also on his mind. He has tried to make contact many many times and he has succeded twice.
We had a very serious discussion about " what if one or both of us get the virus? "
" what are our wishes for our children ".
It was not a pleasant subject but it needed to be discussed.

To my surprise, his work insurance companie will change and he is keeping me under his coverage. He is also putting me as the beneficiary of his life insurance, full pension and bonus for the spouse ( will give me 2 years of his full income). The kids get his vehicules.

His current woman would get the house they are living in right now which is not payed for.

If i pass, ex-h gets it all. ( in my view, all i have, i got because of him. My kids, my house, my luxuries.
I could have lost it all. We could have had a life of struggle. )

We have no intention of getting back together but i guess in a way, we are still related??

[kas99]

I keep up with your story even though I don't respond.

That said kml is right a tiger doesn't change it's stripes. H and I had some good years but in hindsight I can see that he was always dissatisfied, always chasing that next high. Enough was never enough and since he looked for happiness outside of himself what happiness he had was fleeting and fake. He had no real joy and was just this judgemental grouch pouting because other people had better lives than he did. He was a total buzzkill. Once I got a job, the kids were older he saw an opportunity to start over with someone new.

Thing is no one has the power to give anyone a personality transplant. Change is hard, it's painful, takes a lot of time and there are no shortcuts. It's only been a year so H is still out every night living it up but the kids tell me he looks like death. He looked a little like that before of course it's just more noticeable now. He's still drinking heavily (blamed this on me), grouchy, close minded and judgemental. Kids say it's like trying to talk to a brick wall. Yep that's him.

[AndrewP]

Thanks exquisitetobe and kas99

Good to hear from you Exquisite. I hope you and the kids are staying safe up there. I presume you are still working but with appropriate safety protocols?

Personally I think your case is one of the many where the ex-spouse never really "let go" of what they left behind. It's good that he's stepped up and is concerned about you and the kids and has, while not a very active parent, has been involved. I recall one fairly recent time when one of the kids was in trouble and he mobilized to assist. Even though I know you can't really count on him, it's good that he has your back at least in part I'm sure.

----

Nothing much to report going on here. I thought I'd post though because I believe that it's more or less the 4 year anniversary of when I found out about my ex-wife's affair. And I'm bored. I recall the initial feeling of relief - believe it or not - when I found that out as it finally explained why she was wanting to leave. I kinda went downhill from there for a looong time. My but a lot of water has been passed since then. I can still remember finding that out and then confronting her quite vividly. Her defiance and shock was profound. But the memory is more like an old movie that I recall and not something that I'm emotionally invested in.

I was cleaning out my inbox for work and noticed an email from early February.
"I have a persistent cough and perhaps a bit of a temperature so I am going to work from home today.
Probably nothing to worry about but an abundance of caution is probably a good thing. "

I was unusually sick at the end of last year and again early this year. Could I be part of the hidden infections that are now being talked about? I'd just spent several days at the Great Wolf Lodge water park. It's rare that I miss work for not feeling well and I'm not one of those "heroes" who go in even when they shouldn't.

Completed some additional safety training for work this morning. One of the courses was on Covid 19 - interesting how the narrative around mask wearing has changed even in the last few weeks. I keep mine by the door now ready to grab.

I noticed this morning that I'm getting rather shaggy. I have a haircut appointment for Saturday that I've just canceled. Perhaps I'll need to learn to braid my hair again It used to be down well past my shoulders pre-bomb-day. For work I usually kept it tidy in a braid or bun and laughed at those with their tiny "man-bun" as mine was nearly fist sized. I know I won't trust myself with the clippers and probably not S either. Too bad that I'm not dating B - she was a hair-dresser when she was younger and usually cut her grandkids' hair.

I did get the back and top of the rabbit hutch done yesterday. Just the wire front and the pass-through between sections to do. I have to root around in my boxes of random junk to find some sort of hangers / fasteners for that. Might get that done today and then I'll have to get some help to carry it into the front porch. It will be nice to get that project off the list. S is supposed to bring some of the bunny accessories (not the Playboy sort) out. I can then focus on the plaster repairs to the front bedroom

I am down to 2 breakfast sausages and called the butcher shop I deal with. They are still open but all orders have to be called ahead and they will be doing the "curbside" thing. They said they should have my order ready on Saturday. I'm glad that they are still operating while doing their best to keep themselves and their customers safe. They do a lot of work with the local farmers. A lot of farmers are hurting pretty bad right now as getting their animals to market is proving difficult and I believe that some of the bigger packing plants have closed or reduced activity.

I did message S to ask if she wanted me to assemble her BBQ and for input on what menu she'll want for her birthday. No answer as of yet. There's lots of beef in the freezer so she could do ribs, steaks or burgers. She's pretty excited about getting a BBQ and having a place to use it which she's not had for quite some time. We'll be using Facebook video chat to pipe in those who won't be able to be here for various reasons. If the BBQ isn't together for whatever reason or if the weather isn't cooperating, I can certainly make something inside. When I was a kid it was always beans and wieners on birthdays and the cake had coins baked into it as treats. I'm having the cake made by a friend and don't own wieners and I'm not sure about baked beans so that might not be the plan.

She'd said she might be by this afternoon but I've not heard from her yet today. I did read that the section of lakeshore where S13 is staying with his Dad as a fair bit of storm damage so she may be involved in that. XH#2 doesn't currently have a car.

Well - break time's over.

[exquisitetobe]

Yes, i am still working. These past 3 weeks felt like an extended Christmas. We are all on overdrive.
Our protocols include: sanitizing carts, door handles, debit machines, counters, freezer handles... everytime they are used . Markers on the floor to create a one-way flow.
Maximum of 10 customers in the store. One person per houaehold.
Call-in Program to place orders by phone or by e-mail with delivery or curb side pick-up
No delivery fee for ALL SENIORS plus a one hour/day dedicated to them only.
Sanitizing station throughout the store.
No self-serve ( deli, bulk ).
To protect ourselves, mask, face shield, gloves, sanitizer.
We carry a heavy work load. We are understaffed but the crew who is present is AMAZING!!!
We are rising to the challenge with very few complaints.
We get special threats from some of our customers. The majorities are very understanding and compassionate.
Sobey's is also showing is gratitude with bonuses for all employees working in this time of crisis

Overall, i am building up muscles and strenght. Lol
We are doing great! Both of my girls are working by my side and we look out for eachother

[AndrewP]

Glad to hear you are doing well ExquisiteToBe.

--------------

It's FRIDAY at last. When I was on vacation I completely lost track of the days of the week. Even now it's tough.

S has been here for a few days now. I think her preference is to stay here rather than go back to her apartment but she does recognize that I do need some space. She asks me though if I "want" her to go and the only reasonable answer is no. I'd thought she was going back there last night as she'd talked earlier about staying here over the weekend but nope. I figure if we can survive this enforced togetherness then when I go back to traveling, it will be a breeze. I could certainly use a couple of days of empty house - maybe next week.

She picked up S17 and brought him out late yesterday afternoon. He's a decent kid and is super excited about the rabbit hutch. Even though he's small, he's amazingly strong and helped me carry the monster hutch out of the cellar and put it in the front porch. He's very pleased with it. I expect to finish it this weekend as all I need to do is to put the wire front on and cut out the doors. I expect that it weighs between 100 and 150lbs at at 8' long and 4' high is quite the thing to hoist around. And yes - this for 3 rabbits. I joked that we could probably fit a couple of the kids in it as an option.

This is the first time that he's been to the house since just before Christmas and the second time ever. I hadn't realized but it makes sense that he's been incredibly stressed about it. I think coming out for a concrete task helped a lot. S told me that when she drove him back to the apartment he commented essentially "phew - that's over". S made us a nice dinner of salmon and potatoes. She still hasn't figured out portion sizes for smaller groups so there were lots of left over potatoes and peas - pancakes this morning for me.

S17 is confident that the hutch will work well and that he and his buddies will be able to carry it into the place he's moving in to. The buns will probably come here in May for at least a while as they put the apartment together for move-out. The front porch should be fine for them. It's enclosed but not heated.

I'm glad that he came out and was able to wander around the place before his mother's birthday next week. He seemed fairly comfortable - we have a decent relationship I think in a "Mom's boyfriend" kind of way. It does cross my mind that he's seen this story play out a couple of times now so the fact that he's being positive is a good thing. He was super excited when I showed him the entrance to the warren where the wild rabbits live.

He had a grand time running (literally) around the back garden with the dog - I'm sure especially in current times - just being able to get outside is a relief for him. I somewhat expect him to be spending more time here and his mother and I will probably find a number of things that he needs to help with.

Once the hutch is done then the plan is to remove the false ceiling from the kitchen and start stripping the wallpaper off it in preparation for redecorating. I can manage up to 3 ongoing projects at a time. Many more and usually nothing gets done.

-------------

S and I talked finances and budget some more and are still on track to merge finances gradually. She has some debt and will be applying for a small consolidation loan in her name (I'll probably have to co-sign) at the credit union I go to. She's dropping the paperwork off for that today and they'll contact her by phone / email to sort things out. She has the divorce paperwork all ready to go too finally and will be trying to figure out how to get those filed. She thinks she can perhaps do it online although she'd prefer in person to make sure there aren't any bumps in the process. As of last she heard, her STBX has at least one steady girlfriend and perhaps one or two others he's been dating.

------------

I found an apartment that seemed ideal for S25 and sent the info to him. Its in the town where he works above a store with a nice bright balcony that the girls would enjoy. I was worried that he'd be offended about "Dad meddling" but he didn't seem to have an issue. He called the landlord and the voicemail was full so he also texted. I encouraged him to drive around the town to have a look to see what was available as many apartments never get listed online. He seemed to think that was a good idea - maybe he'll even do it

He is I believe now realizing that he needs to make an effort to find a place if he doesn't want to be part of the "P and S bunch". In some ways I do actually hope that he reaches out to his mother but doubt he will. They were always fairly close, closer than he and I. Even though I have no idea where she's living, she undoubtedly has space. And it was her who got me to be a "cat person" so the girls would I hope be welcome even if they may not remember her after all this time. I can only presume that she's up to date on everything but also know that I can't count on her to step up and help him out. She never did so why change that now unless it would allow her to be "mother of the year". I can't stick my nose in there in any way though.

-----

Going to go out at lunch for groceries and for my weekly trip to the post office. We don't need a lot but are out of some "essentials". I have the new fabric masks so will look stylish too. S has started carrying a mask with her but says that she's not been in a situation where she needs one as of yet as her only shopping has been in otherwise empty stores. The fabric masks are designed to have another disposable layer put in and the last time I used some tissues folded over which hopefully helped.

It will feel weird when this abates a bit and we can start going out again. My feeling is that we'll be in some form of lock-down through into the end of May. There isn't any talk here at all of re-opening anything. That will make it roughly 3 months. And even then I personally expect multiple waves of this as people start to move around again.

------

[AndrewP]

He quite possibly has an apartment!!!! He has the application to fill out. Says that it's freshly renovated, small but bright and that the girls will probably like the big windows out to where there will eventually be a balcony.

The landlord didn't mention anyone else looking at it. S25 will email in the application tomorrow and said that he can move in any time. It's officially available May 1st.

Walking distance to pizza, liquor store and grocery store. No en-suite laundry but he has a Dad who has that and will feed him on Sundays. 15 minute bike ride to work or 4 minute drive.

I'm perhaps more excited than he is. More in that this gets him well and truly launched into his own life than in wanting a spare room back.

[kml]

Nice!! Fingers crossed.

[AndrewP]

Busy and eventful weekend. But generally good with some positives.

Both S25 and S are confident that he'll get the apartment. I helped him with his application. The landlord was looking for an Equifax credit report but those take a while and so I suggested he do one with TransUnion which you can do completely online for free and get the report immediately. His landlord had texted him on Saturday morning looking for the application and then again on Sunday morning (S25 had accidentally sent it to a bad email address). They figure that a potential tenant who will move in in days vs a couple of months, single, 25 year old employed with the local big employer is probably prime even if he listed on his application that he has 2 mature cats for a "no pets" apartment.

He's supposed to hear back today but when he left for work just now, he didn't know.

S's opinion was that if there were others looking at the apartment that the landlord really wouldn't be caring if the application was in or not. He's supposed to hear back today - fingers are indeed crossed and even if he doesn't get I think that he's motivated to look more.

It's a weird feeling with this suddenly coming up. My son finally leaving the nest where he retreated almost exactly 3 years ago. He's in a so much better place than he was. I know that many around me, including here, pushed for the tough love approach. I'm glad that I gave him the space and time to find his own path. While we acknowledge that there is friction and we both want him to be independent I think we are in a place where he has respect for me and vise-versa.

It's also extra weird that "the girls" will also be leaving. They've been an important part of my life for a long time. Sometimes they were the reason I got out of bed on bad days or they would climb in with me on really bad days. They can be annoying and sweet.

------

Had a plumbing emergency this weekend that this darned quarantine is making annoying. The P trap on the downstairs bathroom sink rotted through. It's probably 50 years old so no huge surprise. I ordered one from the local hardware store by emailing them pictures (can't go in) but when I tried to install it on Sunday morning the pipe on the bottom of the sink snapped off. If the hardware store was open to wander around in, I could have probably picked up some parts to patch it up but it's not. I pulled out my random plumbing parts and had some that "might" have worked after a fashion.

I was glad that S was here as I was able to ask her her opinion, show her the options and talk about it. We jointly decided that this sink - which we know needs to be replaced anyway might as well be replaced now with a decent vanity.
We also decided to see if we could get it professionally installed. It was good how we talked through that and I think gave S a good feeling that her opinions were important to me. We then jointly shopped for a new vanity and taps. She laughed at me and asked if my preferences were strictly based on price. I pouted and said yes

I was very glad at how that went. A fairly big decision made jointly. I honestly wanted S's opinion and listened to it. She walked me through the logic behind the choices she was making and they all made sense.

I was pleased with the experience with my local Home Hardware. They called and chatted through my questions and it worked well. I've ordered the vanity from them and have now arranged with a local plumber that I've dealt with in the past to install it and the new taps. It should be installed either Friday or early next week. While I could do it myself fairly easily under normal circumstances with multiple trips to the hardware store, paying someone else to do it is probably the best choice. And it also gives those guys work. I'm not sure how busy plumbers are right now but I would imagine not all that busy.

-------------

On Saturday S and I also had a brief conversation about meal planning / cooking schedule. I had a busy, stressful day and S didn't feel like cooking so I said that I would. Close to dinner though I had a need to rest and so S - who was hungry - made the dinner that I'd planned on doing (and did it much better). I can see this being a bit of a friction point where we're not sure who is expected to cook. I do know that she's expecting to cook most of the time. It's something we need to figure out.

I got the rabbit hutch almost finished on Sunday. I just have to cut out the doors. I'd hoped to get it done on the weekend but with everything else going on I didn't. S and I and the dog did get out a bit and get some fresh air on both Saturday and Sunday which is probably more important. I may get the doors done today.

She went back to the apartment on Sunday after dinner and will probably be there for a couple of days, sorting and organizing.

May 1st may well be a big day. S's birthday, the day she'll give notice on her apartment and the first day that S25 will have his own place. I hope DnJ's nice weather is here for that. It's supposed to rain heavily mid-week.

[AndrewP]

HE GOT THE APARTMENT!

He's planning on moving as soon as possible which means this weekend. The plan is to do it in stages. His bed and some kitchen stuff first so that he can live there and then other stuff probably fairly quickly. Not sure when he'll be taking the cats. I think that in some ways that will be the toughest thing on me. CL when she stayed over that once referred to him as "PolkaRoo" (obscure Canadian reference) because like that character, while he is imputed to exist, he was never seen. The girls though, especially after my old "buddy" crossed the Rainbow Bridge shortly after bomb-day, have been a comfort and a nuisance to me.

It feels surreal especially since there were a lot of last minute extra requests from his landlord like a health certificate for the cats and a copy of his pay-stub. Rather intrusive we thought. It's amazing how fast this all happened - makes my head spin.

--------------

I did get the rabbit hutch finished yesterday and managed to not injure myself much on the cage wire. I'm rather proud of how it turned out. Hopefully the rabbits will like it and that S17 and his buddies can move it without too much hassle. Compared to commercially available ones or the ones I grew up around on the farm, it is a veritable palace. And a lot better in many ways than how they are currently living.

The plans for S's birthday on Friday are pretty much set. The menu is for burgers and salad of some sort. The kids will probably come over and the weather should accommodate keeping at a distance. I'm picking up the cake around lunch time on Friday. We still have to assemble her BBQ which will be "her's" (I prefer charcoal) and hopefully that will happen in time.

Not sure when the bathroom sink is getting replaced. Probably early next week but also perhaps Friday.

Wheels are certainly in motion in all sorts of ways.

[AndrewP]

Happy Wednesday! Also pay-day. I'm now back to just being broke. I'm super grateful though that my job continues through the current crisis. Work is fairly steady although I'm struggling to wrap my head around some of the new responsibilities that are coming my way. Its tough to do without being on site and seeing what is actually happening out in the plant.

More dreams about the ex-wife last night which perhaps resulted in me freaking out this morning.

At one point I woke up through the night and checked out the window and as usual S25's car was in it's usual spot but unusually mine was parked outside the garage rather than inside it. My brain immediately jumped to his mother splitting with OM, parking her vehicle in the garage so that it wouldn't be seen and camping out in the spare room.

When I got up and went down to feed the cats and make a pot of tea there was a note from S25 explaining that he had a buddy from the village come over and they sat in the garage drinking beer so that they could keep appropriate distancing rather than in the house as usual.

My brain really needs to calm itself down.

In further ex-wife "news", I was contacted a while ago by someone who found me on a genealogy site and was asking about various relatives - on my ex-wife's side. I suggested that she contact her tracing her through S25's social media. This morning I took a few minutes and checked my records and sure enough the relatives mentioned were there so I let her know. She's been talking to my ex who she says has been quite helpful. So that's good. She may be wondering when I commented that I hadn't talked to her in years - but then again - that sort of thing happens. She asked this morning about other relatives too - I'd thought about pushing her off to my ex but looked them up. I think I can presume that my ex doesn't have any of those records in a way that she can put her hands on them. I'm sure they were in a box and that the digital copies were available to her. It didn't take long and there's nothing to be gained by being unhelpful.

------------

Changes in plans. S25 got an email from his landlord that on second thought that the cats can't move in. So they'll stay here. The reason given was that other tenants were allergic. Whether this is actually the case or an actual issue could be debated. No sense pushing the matter. S25 is disappointed as he will miss his girls. I let S know and she was happy for me but suspect that her preference would have been for his cats to go with him.

His landlord is being a nuisance and has added on some additional terms such as not running a business or grow-op out of the apartment which S25 had me read before he agreed to them. Nothing egregious and more or less normal stuff but it does make one wonder at these last minute road-blocks being thrown up. He also needs to set up an account with the hydro utility and get renters insurance. I've offered to help with the insurance part through my broker and he'll let me know. I believe he gets the keys today though. I'm presuming he's getting my input and assistance because I'm the parent in the premises. Hopefully his mother is supportive too. I'm pretty sure he saw her a couple of days ago because he grumbled about having to leave early for work "to run some errands in town" and the next morning there were empty containers that had had leftovers in them by the sink.

I'm both disappointed in, and proud of myself. I've been curious about where my ex has moved to so peeked at the rental application S25 filled out to see if her address was under the emergency contacts list. Just her phone number. S25 then left his computer with me yesterday and told me the password in case he needed me to send anything while he was at work. That could have opened up the whole history between him and his mother to my view. I didn't even power the machine on. Silly as it sounds, I'm proud of myself for realizing that there's nothing that I need to or at this point even really want to know.

Another week though and my parenting responsibilities will decrease dramatically which I will say I'm looking forward to. And hopefully with him being out of the house, the little head-space I give to his mother will be decreased even further.

Now - fingers crossed for nice weather Friday and through the weekend for S's birthday and his move.

[Ginger1]

Congrats to your son. Those are pretty normal standard procedures here in US for an apartment and it’s good his landlord is diligent . It also protects S25z

Your parenting responsibilities are about to go UP!! Not down! You have a 13 year old about to move into your home and possibly a 17 year old. Get ready!!!

[AndrewP]

Well - it required jumping through a lot of hoops but S25 picked up his keys yesterday morning. I have been a bit surprised by the amount of confusion involved but S suggested that perhaps his landlord is fairly new at this and also the short timelines may have confused things.

I believe that he's planning on moving in on Saturday. Theoretically he could take a sleeping bag and cot and go there tonight. The plan as I understand it is that we'll load up the trailer with his main pieces of furniture on Saturday morning and start hauling. I assured S that I would take it easy and have my nitro spray close to hand. I believe that one of his buddies is going to help as well.

S came over late yesterday afternoon and we picked up S13 from his Dad. I stayed in the car with apologies as I was practicing social distancing which he was good with.

On the way over S filled me in on her busy last few days. A neighbour of her's needed a ride to some doctor's appointments due to some aggressive but treatable cancer. S stayed in the van and worked on her cross-stitch and said that she sanitized everything down.

S was furious at her STBX who it seems drove down to visit her elderly Dad. Not that she cared if they got together and played cards, but the sheer stupidity of breaking quarantine to see someone at risk. Her STBX is over 60 and has a bucket of risk factors himself. I believe words will be said later.

It also appears that she has done some ex-wife spotting. She asked what OM looked like and what they drove and said that she is pretty sure she saw them coming out of the convenience store across from her apartment more than once and walking their dog. No shrubberies to lurk in I suppose. She said that my ex has put on quite a large amount of weight and looked uncomfortable sitting rigidly in the truck and staring fixedly straight ahead. Maybe she is too wide now to hide behind a shrub? Perhaps she had spotted her younger, slimmer "replacement"? I'm somewhat surprised that this is the first sighting if they are indeed living in the same neighbourhood. There is a possibility that she was mistaken as they were just acquaintances but the odds are pretty high that she did indeed spot my ex. The man she was with matched my description of OM.

S and I talked about the logistics of her moving in. She's decided, and I agree, that her cats will be delayed and we'll work out an introduction plan. We will also need to transition "the girls" over to the more boring diet food that S's cats eat. Liz at least could certainly use to lose a pound or two. She asked me last night if I was absolutely sure that she can give her notice today and the answer was yes. She laughed when I asked her the same question and was very definite.

Still waiting for the replacement vanity for the downstairs bath. It didn't arrive yesterday and I got a vague answer from the hardware store when I queried this morning. I've sent a heads-up to the installer that there may be an issue with putting it in on Tuesday. Annoying, but it is what it is.

Going to be a crazy busy day here. Lots of usual stuff going on at work as it's month-end plus some extra stuff because I woke up to 30 emails from an automated system saying things had gone sideways. So I've been putting out those fires. I still have to go "in to town" for the mail and groceries including the rest of the stuff and the cake for S's birthday. She and S13 will I believe be putting the BBQ together.

I believe that S is going back to the apartment Saturday morning giving S25 and I room to maneuver his stuff. It should be about one full load with the trailer. Maybe a bit more and I expect that there will be a bit of back and forth over the next couple of weeks. It actually works out reasonably well in some ways that I'm not picking the vanity up just now - reduces the number of moving around of the trailer.

Not sure if S or S25 will be here for Sunday supper. I may suggest that we skip that this week. S25 will probably skip it next week to be with his mother. Or not. I don't know. It will get figured out.

Phew - until the next time. Stay tuned ball fans!

[DnJ]

Hello Andrew

Nice to see that S25 got his apartment. It sounds like a really nice place and it’s close to his work.

It’s too bad he couldn’t take the girls with him. But.... I suspect he will have a girl “seeing” his apartment at some point.

Your life sounds like it going along at a nice pace and even reasonably organized. I am glad to see you don’t sweat the small stuff (too much).

That bunny hutch sounds more like a bunny mansion. Wow, 150 pounds. Those rabbits will be living the good life.

So far my weather has ended up over your head around 2 days later. It was raining here today. Better find your umbrella for Sunday. Lol.

Have a great weekend.

DnJ

[AndrewP]

I'm whooped. Been a busy few days.

S's birthday went off well. She enjoyed putting her BBQ together "by herself". I'd thought that she would have gotten S13 to help. She had most of the parts identified and had most of the base put together when I popped out to see how it was going. She needed some help as some pieces were awkward so I held what she told me to while she attached it. Which turned into me putting the fasteners in as directed. Which when her D25 and grandson showed up turned into me finishing the assembly. I did need her help on one of the finishing steps as I couldn't figure out how to put one particular part on which she did easily.

I'd done some decorating outside, set out lawn chairs and a table well spaced apart and picked up salads etc. I was feeling rather a bit overwhelmed and asked her D25 - who is an organizer par excellence - to assist and with that help all got done. For cake time, I set up a group chat with her bestie that also included some who chose to stay outside to keep distances safely. The cake surprisingly wasn't as good as I thought it might be but I think being gluten free hurt the flavour a bit. Nobody asked for a second piece so we're working it down. S13 was annoyed as it had fruit in it and he has issues with that. S was annoyed that I mentioned it while I was going on about how pleased I was with the thought that her baking friend had put in to it.

S17 was here and was very happy with the hutch. The bunny he brought to both check out the hutch and help him deal with the stress of a family gathering seemed pretty happy with it too. He and my cat Amy hung out on opposite sides of the cage wire.

After the party S and her kids visited for a bit and I got everything tidied up and put away and visited for a small bit too. Mainly because of the stress of the party on top of a stressful work day on top of everything else and I could feel it so took a shot of nitro and went to bed saying good night to all who stayed up for several hours more.

S and her family I think were very pleased with how it all worked out. From what I gather, this is the only time that a partner has ever actually done anything for her birthday beyond a card or gift.

---------------

Felt good on Saturday morning and got up while S - who it turns out had some sort of tummy upset - slept in.

It was a decent day but DnJ's damp weather arrived early. Being as I operate on a different time scale than everyone else in the house I was a bit concerned when lunchtime rolled around and there was no sign of S25. S had told me though that she heard him up at 5:00 am packing. Around 2:00 he got up, showered and we were ready to load. A buddy of his - who hasn't been out in quite some time and spends 23 hours a day alone came to help load. As agreed, I didn't do any of the carrying and let the younger folk do that. We loaded the two cars and the trailer. I had an old tarp we threw over top which largely protected the load in the light rain which had stopped by the time we got to his apartment.

It's a decent place. A very old building. Weird in that the floor in the hallway is lower than the apartments. Most people have boot trays outside their doors. I heard some kids playing and babies crying so undoubtedly families. The door across the hallway had a dog themed welcome mat so perhaps the "no pets" thing can be stretched later.

He's short on basic furniture. The desk he used here is fairly large and he's looking for another. He has no chairs, table or couch although he said he "had a line on a couch" which undoubtedly will look a lot like the one that was in my living room about 4 years ago. His mother also may well still have the small kitchen table and chairs she took which were her contribution when we got married. They'd fit in there well. I'm going to try to encourage him to take an extra occasional chair from here

We hung out there for a bit, wandered the hallways to see what's what. There's no garbage room we could see nor common laundry. Before I headed home, I congratulated S25 on his new place and we exchanged a rare man-hug which was very appropriate under the circumstances.

Later he dropped his buddy off in the village and came in and got another load of stuff for his car. He said that he'll be by again today. I'm leaning towards not doing a Sunday supper today. S mentioned that she might BBQ but on the other hand she'd mentioned Thursday that she was going back to her apartment Saturday morning to give space for S25's move and for me to relax and is still here.

We did have a bit of an issue which I'm going to have to learn how to navigate as it seems to be part of S's communication norm. She likes watching movies with me cuddled up on the couch. She and her kids have a pretty strong TV habit which I don't. I'd mentioned that I'd like to watch the classic Cinderella and she countered that she thought we should watch Enchanted. When movie time came she reminded me of that, said that it was "her turn" as she "never gets a turn" and I was like "ok" as I was fine with that. When I got up to put dinner together, she followed me into the kitchen and repeatedly told me that if I didn't want to watch her pick that it was ok and that we could do something else. Being "very" tired, I almost snapped that I was fine with watching what we'd already decided on and that she didn't need to keep trying to accommodate me as I was fine already. I bit my tongue. As a piece of irony, Enchanted wasn't available on either Disney Plus nor Netflix so we ended up watching Cinderella anyway. An interesting to me dynamic was the realization that S had watched so many Disney movies so many times over the past 25 years that she both had them memorized and was sick of them. BUT S13 was excited as he'd never seen this film and it was enjoyed by all with S and I singing along to the songs. I have noticed numerous times that S will use the "you don't listen" argument on me and will also continually repeat herself on things like this movie issue, or when she felt I wasn't washing the dishes "right" even after I agree with her. Usually when we are both very tired so it sets up a bit of a powder keg. Being more aware I hope I can navigate it better.

S will acknowledge that in many ways that S13 has gotten the short end of the stick in many ways. He has no memories of any sort of stable family life I think that the others have had. And with older siblings, many of whom needed a lot of attention, he's gotten lost in the shuffle a lot. He can be an annoying little sod at time but over-all seems fairly well adjusted. He has his own issues as well with attention and as I've mentioned before is undersized. S said that the last time they checked a year or so ago with the pediatrician that he has the bone structure and frame of a 4-5 year old. He is a small kid. He's very clever, sociable and outgoing - for a teenager. Which also means he has his face in a screen a lot and grumbles about this and that and is a bit messy. I think that he will flower here.

-------------

In other news, I'm concerned about the rise in domestic abuse that I'd heard was coming and that appears to be everywhere. It does give me a bit of concern for my own relationship, not because there are any red flags, but the enforced togetherness early on adds quite a bit of stress as neither of us really gets a "break". I do think that S will be going back to the apartment for a few days if not today then probably tomorrow. I'm not going to make the mistake I made last time of mentioning "I thought you were going home days ago" as that blew up on me big time.

I'm also concerned about all the conspiracy and such being spread about even here. It can make people behave unsafely and irrationally and endanger others. On the other hand, I'm concerned about the increasing reach of government into our daily lives and the monitoring that is being recommended "for our own safety". I almost had to shut S down yesterday as COVID was the only thing she was wanting to talk about. I'm getting sick of the repetition of news. I do think though that the general store / garden centre across the street from me may be re-opening shortly. There was a load of bagged mulch put out and the cars and such for the flowers are in place. Not sure if the store my ex works at which is more groceries and booze will open but it is owned by the same people.

At least now there will soon be shrubberies for her to lurk in across the street

In other ex-wife news, 20s messaged me rather shocked that at some point in the recent past that she also has been blocked on Facebook by my ex. I'd always presumed that they were still social. No telling what's going on there. None of my business and none of my concern. I do hope that she's not going into a dark place as S25 could undoubtedly use her support. Mother's day is next week and S25 knows that I have an expectation that he'll be spending it with his mother. I can certainly imagine though that the forced isolation and with OM is having a toll on her. If it were her and I with our shared history it would certainly have been pretty tough. It was a big thing for her from our first days together that she needed to have her own separate space away from me as I think she found being around others continuously too intense.

Anyhoodles - it is a glorious sunny day here. S and S13 are still abed having stayed up until about 2:00 which isn't uncommon for them. I slept in to 8:00. Going to get changed, throw in a couple of loads of laundry and then cut the grass for the first time of the season.

In sha Allah

[DonH]

I do think that S will be going back to the apartment for a few days if not today then probably tomorrow. I'm not going to make the mistake I made last time of mentioning "I thought you were going home days ago" as that blew up on me big time.

Why does it seem like you’re being groomed or at least manipulated into not speaking your mind? S says she’s going to go home to give you and S25 time and space. That’s HER STATEMENT. You did not suggest it to her. But I suspect it’s just talk on her part - because she doesn’t follow through. That’s manipulation. Then if you were to simply say to her, YOU said YOUR plan was to go home for a few day, she will blow up in your face, or at least the situation will. Done over time is grooming and it’s working as you already would rather just let her get away with it than face her rath for dare questioning her about her very own words. Does any of this seem healthy to you? You almost have to just let her get her way on EVERYTHING, from which show to watch to her doing her own project assembling a grill, well until she doesn’t want to anymore then it falls to you to complete, to her wanting to be in your space and getting your attention and don’t you dare suggest otherwise. Is this really how you want to live for the next however many years? You really should stand up for yourself now. If you don’t, you’ll never change this dynamic later once the grooming has been finalized.

[bttrfly]

^^ this.
Andrew, please re-read your post. Think about what you wrote. xoxoxo

[job]

Andrew,

I have remained silent for quite some time when it comes to posting on your threads because I do not think that you want to take the rose colored glasses off and see what is going on with your situation. Time and again, the red flags continue to pop up in your postings and you are choosing to ignore them. Open your eyes!

As for Amy and Liz....I'm glad that they are remaining in their current home for the time being. I'm also glad your son has found a place. Hopefully, at some point the "girls" can move in w/your son...but for the time being S will just have to accept that they are going to be living right in your home. As for her pets, has she considered how she's going to help them adjust to the new living arrangements?

As for the peace and quiet...it's not going to last very long...that empty nest is going to be one heck of a situation once everyone is moved in and that includes the kids, pets and all of her stuff. I have a feeling that you will be looking forward to going back to the office and getting away from it all...and, yes...coming here to gently vent.

Andrew, please, please stop bending over backwards to please S. Relationships are a two way street. Living together for a period of time may be just what you need to help you remove the rose colored glasses. I hope that I am wrong, but the red flags are waving in the wind and it appears that we are the only ones that see them for now.

[Ginger1]

I also really try to refrain from saying anything. It’s tough. I don’t think you want to hear it, see it, refuse to, I don’t know.

Don made a really great post. We all see it it. She is also gaslighting you. You say what movie you want to see, she suggests another one. You say ok. She then chases you about watching what you want. You know if you would have said “yeah, I really do prefer Cinderella” that would have went over awfully. And that is gaslighting. She likes to have her way.

It’s only going to get worse when you guys move in together. Instead of communication and compromise, it seems more like you are trying to navigate around the land mines. Wasn’t that what you did in your marriage?

I don’t know why you seem to be turning your head away from the red flags. Remember how you said on someone else’s thread you built a great life for yourself and chose to bring someone in who adds to it? You write a lot about what she isn’t brining to the table, rather than what she does

[AndrewP]

LOL - some days here I feel like I have about 10 (insert stereotype ethnicity) mothers "She's not good enough for My Boy!" which has been the case for every woman that I've dated ((hug))

I know that it's meant in a caring way and you are all seeing things that I also am seeing admittedly through my rose coloured glasses. I'm working on trying to figure out how to make this in to a healthy relationship and since neither of us are perfect and both have baggage and damage from our past relationships, it can be tricky with both red flags and mine fields to navigate. Not all mine fields have flags and not all flags indicate mine fields it seems as well.

I am confident though that she's not a black widow who is going to bump me off for the insurance money.

S did go home yesterday afternoon so I spent the night here alone for perhaps the first time in a long time.

S25 has gone to visit his mother overnight before but this was very different "energy" in the house. He did come by around dinner time (I was in the back garden BBQing my dinner) and grabbed another load for his apartment. He was pleased that I had set aside some dish towels and other housekeeping stuff that I have in surplus for him. He also grabbed some beef out of the freezer and other grocery type things that were here that were part of "his" supplies.

He looks good and positive about his new life. I'm very happy for him. I did notice in his car a couple of other household things that he already picked up so perhaps he was by his Mother's place and she's helping out too. I'm thinking that perhaps this Saturday I may stop by his apartment with a house-warming gift of flowers or something.

S is certainly feeling better after whatever tummy troubles she was having Saturday morning. I was cutting the grass for the first time this year and S13 asked if he could try. A bit of a concern because he's so small but he did great for a first-timer. It took a few tries and help from his mother at least once but he managed to get it running and semi-randomly went around the yard eventually getting the hang of it and doing a decent job on one of the flatter patches. I think he was more trying to avoid going inside to do homework although he is keen on being able to build stuff and do stuff in the back garden. I believe that when they come over again later in the week that his bike will be brought too.

Still trying to get the new vanity for the downstairs bath. The order appears to have gone into voodo-la-la land. Getting hold of an actual person is difficult and the local store said "maybe today" but that was probably just them giving me the "bedbug" story (waves to any former law students out there). I've let the installer know and they are ready to reschedule me into next week if it's not here by end of day today. Sigh. Brave New World indeed.

Well - time to focus on work now. The fabulous weather we had yesterday that had me in the garden and perhaps gave me a touch of sunburn has gone away and there's now snow forecast for later in the week. But at least my grass no longer looks like my quarantine hair.

[TBSakaJ9]

I wish I would have spoke my truth more in my marriage. Instead I was agreeable, placated, and just went with the flow all in an attempt to keep the peace. Wrong move as over the years it led to resentment on my part and I know contributed to our D on her end.

I learned to love by chasing, putting my XW on pedestal, and I don't think ever really having my own needs met.

Now I am with the Doc who has essentially handed over the keys and allows me to be the man. Talk about a mind fuch. I am now learning how to love all over again in what seems to be a more healthy way but is not my norm.. It takes time to unpack it all.

Speak your truth, do so in a loving, caring, and compassionate way. You might need to take the lead with establishing healthy boundaries and communication patterns. You have the board, she doesn't.

[DonH]

LOL - some days here I feel like I have about 10 (insert stereotype ethnicity) mothers "She's not good enough for My Boy!" which has been the case for every woman that I've dated ((hug))

Both or all 2 or perhaps 3 of them, you mean? You act as if we’ve had the same response with like 10 women over many years. Besides, they have all had similar traits, including still being married. Sounds like everyone here is being consistent rather than mothering.

I am confident though that she's not a black widow who is going to bump me off for the insurance money.

As I am pretty sure is everyone here. No one has suggested otherwise. But, is this your dealbreaker? As long as she’s not going to end your life in order to profit, everything else is okay or at least not a deal breaker?

[bttrfly]

LOL - some days here I feel like I have about 10 (insert stereotype ethnicity) mothers "She's not good enough for My Boy!" which has been the case for every woman that I've dated ((hug))

Both or all 2 or perhaps 3 of them, you mean? You act as if we’ve had the same response with like 10 women over many years. Besides, they have all had similar traits, including still being married. Sounds like everyone here is being consistent rather than mothering.

Well, Andrew i consider you a friend. My friends are used to me being direct, and sometimes that isn't comfortable.

You are the common denominator in the following relationships:

*Your marriage
*CL
*B
*S

Look to what you are:
*attracting
*trying to resolve (we work through our own "stuff" in our most intimate relationships, which act as a mirror, always, for our internal barometer)
*patterns that are emerging, or have emerged

It's really not about S or any other woman, Andrew. It's all about you. It's always been about you.

xoxoxo

[job]

Andrew,

I do tend to think about something and then speak my mind when I see red flags glaring at me either on a page or IRL. You may be too close to your situation to actually see what is going on. If you didn't have concerns, you wouldn't be posting the posts that you are. Look, you are going to have to take this situation in hand and start communicating what you want. If you are allowing her to get her way 90% of the time now, what do you think life is going to be when the ring is on the finger?

If you set your boundaries now and communicate your needs up front and stand your ground, S should have much more respect for you. By allowing her to get away w/many of the things that she's been doing, you are sending her a very clear picture that you have no issue w/her taking control over things.

I am going to be very honest here...I can't wait until S, her family, pets and her stuff move in. I give you less than one week and you will be seeking out some quiet time either on walks, working in the shop and taking a drive. Right now, they all aren't under foot...but when she moves in they will be there 24/7 and yes, your front door will become a revolving door for the older ones to just come in and make themselves at home. Now is the time to set those boundaries before everything takes place.

I'm not saying S is not right for you, but I do think some clear, plain speaking communications needs to take place. Now, if that is "mothering" you...then so be it. Your adopted mother has spoken. Now, the bigger question is this...would you prefer we not post our comments about your situation to you or would you rather we be honest and tell you what we see from your postings?

[Westo]

If one person has an issue with me or in the way I handle myself or a situation, that is their problem.

If several people have an issue with me and how I handle myself or a situation, guess what?

That’s my problem.

Andrew.........YOU have a problem.

[AndrewP]

Now, the bigger question is this...would you prefer we not post our comments about your situation to you or would you rather we be honest and tell you what we see from your postings?

Thanks all. I come here because in the echo chamber of my own head I don't get any useful feedback.

There's also perhaps a bias in what I write here where I explore things that bother / concern me and don't mention those positives. For example pushing back on the move-in for a month to allow S25 to safely launch without the undue pressure of having S and crew under foot. Another is being clear that her D19 and BF, while welcome to visit aren't to be moving in. The first of these was a bit more difficult as S didn't see it as an issue. The second she's been very supportive of even if lately D19's housing situation has gotten more difficult. She has lots of options that don't involve me. A pre-nup which S doesn't think is necessary is also another area where I've taken the lead on what matters to me and she's gone along.

We've also been able to navigate and compromise on remodeling plans where having the money saved is the first priority. Wedding and honeymoon plans have also involved some give and take where both of our voices are heard.

Like I believe J9 pointed out though, finding my voice and being able to communicate my wants and needs effectively while at the same time listening and accepting her's even where they don't mesh is very important and what I am trying hard to work on. It is a similar dynamic I think to J9 here too where in my marriage I was playing second fiddle to here where S consults me about pretty much every choice going. Two recent examples were if S13 could have a small pet of his own (guinea pig) and if we could put a trampoline in the back yard. She put those choices on me. We talked about them, the pros and cons and in both cases mutually agreed that they were a good idea. So green flag from my point of view.

I'm a problem solver. When the problem baffles me or I think that I lack knowledge, tools or perspective then I ask for help. I appreciate all of your voices even when I may pout or grumble. I have learned though that the final choice in everything is mine after taking on all the available information and perspective.

Thank you all.

[bttrfly]

I have learned though that the final choice in everything is mine after taking on all the available information and perspective.

Thank you all.

Absolutely! And my fondest wish is that you factor all inputs, and come up with what truly suits you, Andrew, not S or anyone here.

[LH19]

Yo Andy P I think we have established that though both of us have Canadian blood running through our veins we are vastly different people. I have some questions and comments.

[ For example pushing back on the move-in for a month to allow S25 to safely launch without the undue pressure of having S and crew under foot.

So she enthusiastically agreed with this plan?

[ Another is being clear that her D19 and BF, while welcome to visit aren't to be moving in.

How often? Do they have to call first?

[ The first of these was a bit more difficult as S didn't see it as an issue. The second she's been very supportive of even if lately D19's housing situation has gotten more difficult. She has lots of options that don't involve me.

Maybe you could explain more?

[ A pre-nup which S doesn't think is necessary is also another area where I've taken the lead on what matters to me and she's gone along.

This one makes me chuckle when you keep saying she doesn't think its necessary. What do you think her last three husbands would say?

[ We've also been able to navigate and compromise on remodeling plans where having the money saved is the first priority. Wedding and honeymoon plans have also involved some give and take where both of our voices are heard.

Can you give examples? When is the wedding again?

[ Two recent examples were if S13 could have a small pet of his own (guinea pig) and if we could put a trampoline in the back yard. She put those choices on me. We talked about them, the pros and cons and in both cases mutually agreed that they were a good idea. So green flag from my point of view.

It's interesting her son gets her way with both options. I'd be curious to see the pros and cons list because I would have most likely said no to both.

[ I'm a problem solver. When the problem baffles me or I think that I lack knowledge, tools or perspective then I ask for help.

History dictates that you lack the knowledge of healthy relationships and you definitely ignore the facts regarding statistics on fourth marriages. Ask for help and listen to the feedback on the board.

[kml]

I'm thinking that perhaps this Saturday I may stop by his apartment with a house-warming gift of flowers or something.

Wouldn't a houseplant be more useful? Or maybe some wine glasses or such?

[AndrewP]

Yo Andy P I think we have established that though both of us have Canadian blood running through our veins we are vastly different people.

LOL - indeed. Lots of questions. I'll see what I can do for answers.

For example pushing back on the move-in for a month to allow S25 to safely launch without the undue pressure of having S and crew under foot.

So she enthusiastically agreed with this plan?

Nope. She didn't understand why I was concerned and was rather upset about me asking for the extra month. She really wondered how committed I was and whether everything I said was just words.

Another is being clear that her D19 and BF, while welcome to visit aren't to be moving in.

How often? Do they have to call first?

Probably at least once a week. They live 5 minutes away and it's a close family. Certainly can't say no to kids on either side if they want to drop in. I certainly wouldn't oblige my son to call ahead and get permission to come home. Just need to have boundaries to make sure that we're both on board with anything extra.

The first of these was a bit more difficult as S didn't see it as an issue. The second she's been very supportive of even if lately D19's housing situation has gotten more difficult. She has lots of options that don't involve me.

Maybe you could explain more?

S doesn't want the kids here either. They are adults with jobs and bank accounts. They could get their own place, D19 has a backup plan of moving in with her Dad, etc. And both S and I feel that BF gives off an "odd" vibe and that he's more than a bit of a free-loader.

A pre-nup which S doesn't think is necessary is also another area where I've taken the lead on what matters to me and she's gone along.

This one makes me chuckle when you keep saying she doesn't think its necessary. What do you think her last three husbands would say?

Surprisingly they'd probably agree. She gets minimal spousal support from XH#2 and agreed upon child support. She's not gone back to him for more despite his income more than doubling since their original draft agreement. She's not asking for anything from her STBX beyond "her" stuff back as mutually agreed and has a payment plan in place to repay him for money he fronted for one of her business ventures. She got nothing from XH#1 and officially he owes her a rather large chunk of cash. He has more than the means to pay as well. I don't think he even did anything for child support of his two kids.

We've also been able to navigate and compromise on remodeling plans where having the money saved is the first priority. Wedding and honeymoon plans have also involved some give and take where both of our voices are heard.

Can you give examples? When is the wedding again?

Was supposed to be in late October. Everything is up in the air right now as it may be difficult to get her oldest son up from Australia. As far as decorating goes, I'm very "traditional". Basic colours, preserving the 100+ year old wood work in the house, keeping my hand-made quilt. She's more "bohemian". Not quite beaded curtains level but a lot of crafty stuff, bright colours and "earth mother" sort of themes. The current state of affairs is - The wood stays. The quilt will be swapped in and out seasonally. The leaded glass mirror at the bottom of the stairs has been replaced with some odd sun-shaped mirror. The kitchen will be re-painted in bright colours rather than neutral. The flower beds will be more or less kept as is although she has some separate plantings she would like. Some stuff matters to me. Most doesn't.

Two recent examples were if S13 could have a small pet of his own (guinea pig) and if we could put a trampoline in the back yard. She put those choices on me. We talked about them, the pros and cons and in both cases mutually agreed that they were a good idea. So green flag from my point of view.

It's interesting her son gets her way with both options. I'd be curious to see the pros and cons list because I would have most likely said no to both.

The trampoline is just a thing. It's a big back yard. S13 has gotten the short end of the stick on quite a few things including pets so it's reasonable that he gets one. He has demonstrated that he is well capable of caring for a pet by helping with the others. The key thing is that she asked for my opinion and to all appearances was giving me the final say on the matter. It was me that pointed out that S13 is capable and deserves his own chance to have a pet of his own rather than always having to play second fiddle to his siblings' pets.

[ I'm a problem solver. When the problem baffles me or I think that I lack knowledge, tools or perspective then I ask for help.

History dictates that you lack the knowledge of healthy relationships and you definitely ignore the facts regarding statistics on fourth marriages. Ask for help and listen to the feedback on the board.

(Raspberry icon)
I also bought a lottery ticket today too.

[TBSakaJ9]

Stand very firm on that pre-nup. IF I was you it would be my non-negotiable. Protect everything you have, relationship advice aside. The Doc told me very early on a pre-nup was non negotiable and so was her last name.

I could care less, she knows that and we have never discussed it again. Now the Doc treats me like a king, buys me things all the time. My presence is enough for her. I don't ask her for a thing.

Just make sure her intentions are pure.

[AndrewP]

I'm thinking that perhaps this Saturday I may stop by his apartment with a house-warming gift of flowers or something.

Wouldn't a houseplant be more useful? Or maybe some wine glasses or such?

LOL. He's up to at least 10 unopened bottles of wine from the wine of the month club that he can't figure out how to cancel. So that might be a good idea.

I may wait another week - it's Mother's Day this coming weekend and I don't want to cause him any conflict of interest.

[bttrfly]

History dictates that you lack the knowledge of healthy relationships and you definitely ignore the facts regarding statistics on fourth marriages. Ask for help and listen to the feedback on the board.

(Raspberry icon)
I also bought a lottery ticket today too.

irrelevant to the point at hand, Andrew. Really, pay attention to what LH is saying here please.

[exquisitetobe]

Maybe S fit in your comfort zone.
By being co-dependant on you, she gives your sub conscience a sense of value.
The needier she is, the more valuable you are.
You get a full dose of purpose. Her needs energize your self-worth ( in your eyes ).
I am with all the others. I am not mothering you.
Your relationship is not healthy.

Your backyard will soon be a petting zoo and your house will soon belong to S and her kids including her D and bf.
Why?? Because you can' t say no.
The life you knew will be gone, including your son AND YOUR CATS and will be replace by a new
group where you will be taken advantage of.
That is my view and opinion.
Make of it as you wish.

I keep you in my prayer. In my eyes, you are worth way more than what you are getting out of this relationship!

((( Andrew)))

[DonH]

Your relationship is not healthy

Wow, blunt and perhaps harsh, and look who is saying this, but I can’t disagree. Actually, I don’t think anyone here would disagree. But I would add that it’s not healthy because S is not healthy. She has once again jumped from one man to the next without doing any work on herself. She’s just expecting this time to somehow be different. That’s the really sad part here as Andrew can only work on and change himself, he can’t change S.

In my eyes, you are worth way more than what you are getting out of this relationship!

Once again, I don't think there is anyone here that would disagree.

[kml]

Wow - everybody seems to have an opinion about Andrew’s relationship - even those who haven’t really braved relationships themselves in quite some time.

I’d say some of the things people are seeing as negatives - such as taking on a 13 year old boy who lacks a memory of a truly stable home - are actually positives in Andrew’s eyes, an opportunity to be of service. As a middle-aged somewhat persnickety homebody with a bad ticker (love ya Andrew!) he may well see his relationship with S as something he doesn’t want to pass on, waiting for the “perfect” relationship.

Is it a risk? Heck yes. But as many of you have expressed, living together will be the trial by fire. Either it will all work out - Andrew enjoying domestic life instead of a lonely empty nest, and someone who will nudge him out of some of his more persnickety ways - or it will blow up.

I get the feeling Andrew’s enough of a grownup to handle it if things don’t work out - and he’s working with S on the communication skills they will need to make this work.

I’m rooting for the upside - a family happy to find safe harbor with a thoughtful and disciplined man. A woman sufficiently thrilled to be with a caring mature man that she can heal her wounds and blossom into a wonderful partner.

None of us is perfect. Love isn’t easy. We hear the things Andrew is hesitant about but he shares less about the joyful things. That doesn’t mean they’re not there.

Maybe now that we’ve all put our two cents in, we should give Andrew a little space to take some risks in his
life.

Many would look at my love life since my divorce as a bit of a mess. My best friend, who has been single nearly as long, is super risk averse and has dated almost no one. I’ll take my adventures, with all the attendant companionship AND craziness, over her self-imposed isolation. Each of us has to find our own path, decide what we’re comfortable with, what we’re willing to risk.

Just hold firm on that prenup, Andrew, ok?

[bttrfly]

Wow - everybody seems to have an opinion about Andrew’s relationship - even those who haven’t really braved relationships themselves in quite some time.

yes. as someone who hasn't met anyone who flips my skirt, i fall into that category. however, it is very easy to see something amiss from a distance rather than when you're in the middle of it.

I’d say some of the things people are seeing as negatives - such as taking on a 13 year old boy who lacks a memory of a truly stable home - are actually positives in Andrew’s eyes, an opportunity to be of service. As a middle-aged somewhat persnickety homebody with a bad ticker (love ya Andrew!)

there are no perfect relationships.

Is it a risk? Heck yes. But as many of you have expressed, living together will be the trial by fire. Either it will all work out - Andrew enjoying domestic life instead of a lonely empty nest, and someone who will nudge him out of some of his more persnickety ways - or it will blow up.

I get the feeling Andrew’s enough of a grownup to handle it if things don’t work out - and he’s working with S on the communication skills they will need to make this work.

I think Andrew posts here because he wants feedback, even though he may grumble about it. I comment in an effort to bolster Andrew 2.0, because I don't want to see him default back to how he was in his marriage. That made him unhappy, but sometimes we humans fall back to what is best known and most comfortable in an effort to keep the peace. Sometimes the best way to keep the peace is to raise a little h3ll first. Oi Oi Oi!

I’m rooting for the upside - a family happy to find safe harbor with a thoughtful and disciplined man. A woman sufficiently thrilled to be with a caring mature man that she can heal her wounds and blossom into a wonderful partner.

That would be a wonderful way for this to go, and what I'm sure we all hope for Andrew, S and all concerned.

None of us is perfect. Love isn’t easy. We hear the things Andrew is hesitant about but he shares less about the joyful things. That doesn’t mean they’re not there.

Maybe now that we’ve all put our two cents in, we should give Andrew a little space to take some risks in his
life.

agreed

Just hold firm on that prenup, Andrew, ok?

AMEN!

[bttrfly]

Your relationship is not healthy

Wow, blunt and perhaps harsh, and look who is saying this, but I can’t disagree. Actually, I don’t think anyone here would disagree. But I would add that it’s not healthy because S is not healthy. She has once again jumped from one man to the next without doing any work on herself. She’s just expecting this time to somehow be different. That’s the really sad part here as Andrew can only work on and change himself, he can’t change S.

This here has always been my sticking point: has S sufficiently learned from past relationships? Andrew, love, only you can figure that out. You're in this day in and day out. If S has taken or IS CURRENTLY TAKING the time to learn, heal and change patterns from the past, then you guys have a great shot at beating the stats. If not, it could become a very bumpy ride in short order. Is S self aware? Is S introspective at all? You've not given me any reason to think she is, but that doesn't mean she isn't. How would you honestly answer my question, Andrew? Do you think she's self aware enough to have made necessary changes in her approach to relationships? Do you think she's sufficiently open to change and compromise in your relationship?

Again, babe, only you have the inside track on these answers. What I really like though is that you're posting here things that are niggling at the back of your mind, stuff that's not quite - - sitting ok with you, for lack of a better way of phrasing it. And, you're allowing feedback that has to be hard to read at times. I'm glad you know it's all from a place of love and concern.

In my eyes, you are worth way more than what you are getting out of this relationship!

Once again, I don't think there is anyone here that would disagree.

While I don't disagree, I do have to ask a question that I've been dying to ask for quite some time: Andrew, what ARE you getting from this relationship, because you wouldn't be in it if you weren't getting something from it. I think many of exquisite's points are worth a second look.
xoxoxo

I'll shut up now.

love you Andrew xoxoxo

[AndrewP]

Thanks all and as always kml for being my cheerleader when the 2x4s give me a headache.

Bttrfly - to answer your question, S is I believe being quite thoughtful about what has worked and not worked in previous relationships. She reads a lot of relationship books I know and has asked that we read one together although it turned out that we both (she first) agreed that the last one (name redacted as not DB) was a bunch of acronyms and nonsense.

We've talked and for her, a lot of things that she let slide, especially not having a voice about her environment or input into finances she's choosing to assert herself in ways she never did before. I have from secondary sources (her kids) that this was indeed the case.

She has a history of trying to make a relationship work even in the face of difficulties. Historically to her detriment but it gives me the confidence that she won't bail at the first argument. And it also gives me the confidence that she is willing to adapt and be flexible while as I mentioned above working hard on making sure that she isn't lost in the process or just turned into an appliance.

So - yes - she is deliberately working to break the patterns of previous unhealthy relationships. On my side, I am working on being more flexible than I might be which can be a challenge being - ahem - persnickety

As far as what she brings - that's pretty obvious to me. She has a kind heart which has gotten her into trouble more than once rescuing stray cats and kids. I won't have anyone in my life who isn't kind. She also gets me out of what I call the groove I've been wearing in the carpet. Doing the same thing each day and not exploring the wider world around me. She has a different way of looking at things that opens my eyes and an overlapping but distinct set of interests that add to the richness of my life. She has practical skills that will reduce the load of a number of the day to things that take up my time and don't necessarily add Joy to my life. And as a special bonus and certainly not part of the requirements shall we just say - booty booty booty

[kml]

Don’t underestimate the value of some good booty!

[TBSakaJ9]

You are the one that is in it every day, only you truly know what you are experiencing.

I think the fear from my end is that you have everything to lose and she has it all to gain. Especially at the light speed this has happened in. It makes me question her intentions, especially with a young child involved.

The Doc's XH moved a woman in right after they got Divorced with her two kids. She used him to get back on her feet and then she dumped him, left him broken hearted. Granted they didn't get married so he didn't lose everything but he still dipped into his savings account, sold stuff and used his monthly income to help assist her along the way. He even gave his son's bunkbed to her two kids and made the Doc's son go sleep in another room. I guess the poor kid was beside himself.

That said I have been dating the Doc for over a year and haven't proposed. My experience could impact how I think about your situation. I have two young kids at home so I imagine some of my views on it come from my own beliefs. Others past experiences could as well and the advice they give.

Did I read booty!!!!!!!

[bttrfly]

Thanks all and as always kml for being my cheerleader when the 2x4s give me a headache.

Bttrfly - to answer your question, S is I believe being quite thoughtful about what has worked and not worked in previous relationships. She reads a lot of relationship books I know and has asked that we read one together although it turned out that we both (she first) agreed that the last one (name redacted as not DB) was a bunch of acronyms and nonsense.

We've talked and for her, a lot of things that she let slide, especially not having a voice about her environment or input into finances she's choosing to assert herself in ways she never did before. I have from secondary sources (her kids) that this was indeed the case.

She has a history of trying to make a relationship work even in the face of difficulties. Historically to her detriment but it gives me the confidence that she won't bail at the first argument. And it also gives me the confidence that she is willing to adapt and be flexible while as I mentioned above working hard on making sure that she isn't lost in the process or just turned into an appliance.

So - yes - she is deliberately working to break the patterns of previous unhealthy relationships. On my side, I am working on being more flexible than I might be which can be a challenge being - ahem - persnickety

perfect. as long as you both are mindful and keep working to change and evolve. That, to me, is key. Are you still going to couples' counseling? That might be a good short term help as you navigate the new living arrangements. Anything to promote success.

As far as what she brings - that's pretty obvious to me. She has a kind heart which has gotten her into trouble more than once rescuing stray cats and kids. I won't have anyone in my life who isn't kind.

Bravo, Andrew!!! (again, this is about you, and your changes)

She also gets me out of what I call the groove I've been wearing in the carpet. Doing the same thing each day and not exploring the wider world around me. She has a different way of looking at things that opens my eyes and an overlapping but distinct set of interests that add to the richness of my life. She has practical skills that will reduce the load of a number of the day to things that take up my time and don't necessarily add Joy to my life. And as a special bonus and certainly not part of the requirements shall we just say - booty booty booty

Ok, I know you say she has practical skills, yet all your posts show a woman who starts something and has you finishing it. I hope that isn't a trend, and merely examples you've chosen to share here.

I am going to be a lady and refrain from commenting on the triple booty.

[bttrfly]

You are the one that is in it every day, only you truly know what you are experiencing.

I think the fear from my end is that you have everything to lose and she has it all to gain. Especially at the light speed this has happened in. It makes me question her intentions, especially with a young child involved.

I do not question her intentions as it is pretty clear to me that she earmarked Andrew as hubby #4 early on. I do question the speed. It bothers me, a lot. I do question some other stuff. No need to repeat here. And I don't need the answers. Andrew does, as you pointed out J, he's living it, not us.

The Doc's XH moved a woman in right after they got Divorced with her two kids. She used him to get back on her feet and then she dumped him, left him broken hearted. Granted they didn't get married so he didn't lose everything but he still dipped into his savings account, sold stuff and used his monthly income to help assist her along the way. He even gave his son's bunkbed to her two kids and made the Doc's son go sleep in another room. I guess the poor kid was beside himself.

well doesn't that explain a whole heck of a lot about this poor kid and his behavior!

[TBSakaJ9]

Stealing A's thread for a second.

You might be right, as I used to think it was because he is adopted. His dad and the lack of involvement in his life could be the major factor here. He is needy, clingy and tells his mom about 10 times a day randomly that he loves her. He also hangs out in her bed all day long also watching TV on the side she sleeps. The kid is almost 9 and still talks baby talk. I guess he thinks it cute or his way of getting attention IDK.

If he comes up to me and asks me for something in baby talk I don't respond unless he asks me a legit question in a normal voice......smh. When he does it I just look at him.

Anyway.....back to A and his BOOTY!!!!

[LH19]

Yo Andy on a somber note did you hear they won’t let people travel to their cottages when they are outside their county?

WTF is up with that? I may need you to cut my cottage grass lol.

[LH19]

Btw. Do you smack that booty lol?!

[AndrewP]

Yo Andy on a somber note did you hear they won’t let people travel to their cottages when they are outside their county?

WTF is up with that? I may need you to cut my cottage grass lol.

I cut my grass on Saturday. It was starting to look like my quarantine hairstyle

Our small health systems can't deal with a large influx of cases from outside their usual service area. And the less the mixing of the population, especially between regions, the quicker we can get this darned virus thing behind us. We have a few cases around here, mostly in the one larger urban centre but a few within easy distance of where I live.

Just think of it as doing your part to encourage the bio-diversity of your lawn and provide habitat for small critters that would otherwise be trying to drink your beer. It is far more common for a bug to land in your beer sitting outside here than it ever is in the city.

We'll be more than happy to eventually see you and yours but for now, stay put please and we'll do the same. S I know is dying to visit her Dad 3 hours away and do a Costco run but here we stay.

No comments on the second question. A gentleman doesn't tell.

[LH19]

I’m gonna have my translator translate this to me and I’ll get back to you Andy.

[Dawn70]

I cut my grass on Saturday. It was starting to look like my quarantine hairstyle

Our small health systems can't deal with a large influx of cases from outside their usual service area. And the less the mixing of the population, especially between regions, the quicker we can get this darned virus thing behind us. We have a few cases around here, mostly in the one larger urban centre but a few within easy distance of where I live.

Just think of it as doing your part to encourage the bio-diversity of your lawn and provide habitat for small critters that would otherwise be trying to drink your beer. It is far more common for a bug to land in your beer sitting outside here than it ever is in the city.

We'll be more than happy to eventually see you and yours but for now, stay put please and we'll do the same. S I know is dying to visit her Dad 3 hours away and do a Costco run but here we stay.

No comments on the second question. A gentleman doesn't tell.

Here’s the translation: we Canadians are a friendly lot, but stay the h3ll away from us with your sickness. Letting your lawn grow is kinda like big hair in the 80’s.....gets you closer to Jesus, baby. Plus it will keep skeeters from sipping your suds.

“No comment on the second question” = yes

And there’s your Kanuckistan to redneckinese translation, LH. You may have to find another translator to hit the correct northern dialect.

[LH19]

Thanks Dawn! Makes sense now. Lol

[Ginger1]

I am all for social distancing, but how do you tell someone you can’t go to home you own?

[AndrewP]

I am all for social distancing, but how do you tell someone you can’t go to home you own?

When people go to their cottage, they go to the local grocery store, department store, beer store. They would also go to the marina, campground, wander around the down-towns of our towns and villages.

The skeeters can stand to get a bit leaner and hungrier.

If anyone wants a nice laugh and a taste of "up north" although this is actually referring to the part of the world that exquisitetobe lives in, check out the National Film Board short film - Blackfly. It will be stuck in your head as an ear-worm guaranteed.

[Ginger1]

Yes. I get that. Renters and vacationers should not be doing that. But people have the right to the property they own.

If you own a shore home you are allowed there in NJ. But you cannot rent it out. It’s a little too far telling property owners they aren’t allowed on their own property .

[DonH]

I am all for social distancing, but how do you tell someone you can’t go to home you own?

EXACTLY! Sadly it’s just part of the tyranny-laden landscape we have somehow rolled over to, because, well because somehow a virus and being “safe” tops even the constitution that has allowed us to move about freely for hundreds of years - at least here on this side of the boarder.

We have a few cases around here, mostly in the one larger urban centre but a few within easy distance of where I live.

A “few” cases of a disease once thought to be on its way to killing millions of people but in reality has not come anywhere close but yet we are still acting like it really is killing millions. Yet “a few” cases is keeping many in their houses and you from visiting the land you own and I’m guessing pay taxes on. And we’ve gotten here in less than 2 months. Simply amazing. That’s my translation LH

[kml]

The problem arises when remote tourist destinations with very limited ICU capabilities become overrun with Covid cases from tourists and part-time residents returning. You don't want to end up in the only ICU in some small remote hospital.

As for the millions of cases, Don - we are already for sure above 100k (yeah, I know reported cases are about 75k but under-reporting of cases is something than happens with all pandemics and is only usually accurately counted in hindsight - definitely happening now). The best estimates of current deathrate are 0.8 - 1% deaths per infection including asymptomatic and mild cases. If just 20% of the US ends up being infected that means about 650k deaths. 40% (a more likely number given that NYC alone has already hit about 25% of the population infected and we are just in the very beginning stages of this pandemic) we are looking at 1.3 million deaths. If the reports today about a more aggressive strain taking over are correct (and they look to be) the death rate may well be 1% or higher. At 1% and 50% of the US infected, we're looking at 1.7 million deaths. The only thing saving us from these numbers right now is the drastic steps that have been taken which reduced mobility by 50%, masks and social distancing, and handwashing. IF people were to strictly adhere to the federal guidelines we had a chance to transition from mitigation to containment but that's pretty much off the table now that so many states are opening up prematurely. Continued social distancing, masks and handwashing can hopefully keep mitigation helping to slow the virus but the morons out there protesting wearing a mask in public are going to sabotage even that hope.

We are at the PEAK of the first wave, projections have had to be revised because they included assumptions that we were going to follow the federal guidelines and since that's not happening, the projections now show more deaths and a much more prolonged decline. This is ONLY the first wave - there will surely be a second the only question is when and how bad. With this more aggressive strain predominating, the second wave may well be more fatal, just like the second wave of the Spanish flu was. I suggest anybody who is interested look at the IHME covid projection models, which have had to be revised recently due to lack of following the federal guidelines. It's not pretty.

[AndrewP]

One key difference I think between Canada and the USA can be summed up by looking at some of the defining clauses in our different constitutions.

In the US, it is based on "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Our original constitution, Section 91 of the British North America Act of 1878 has the phrase "peace, order, and good government"

Most people who are at least noddingly familiar with both documents set these as the prime differences between our similar, but different societies.

Personally, I believe that the modern concept of "rights" is a construct of the humanist movements of the late Renaissance and has little basis in nature or even in the ways that most societies act. It is though an excellent concept to frame societal behaviour in a similar way that the 10 commandments (yes, I'll probably burn in h3ll for this comparison ) do. As many of us here can attest, breaking of the 10 commandments happens all the time.

Along with the concept of rights - in my opinion - comes the parallel concept of societal obligations. As a society I feel that we have an obligation to care for our fellow man (and woman) and to ensure that our actions do not impinge upon their own "rights and freedoms".

So - with that in mind - along with a belief in the core science as presented - which has a lot of both known and unknown unknowns (thank you Donald Rumsfeld for that phrase) - means that I firmly believe that whatever I can do to slow the spread of Covid 19 and to keep not just myself but those around me safe and follow the best practices as informed by scientific authorities is worth doing.

Why oh why do so many of my threads end in drama? Must be attracted to me like those darned skeeters.

Next thread

Darned Skeeters
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2894255&#Post2894255

[AndrewP]

My - am I hanging my head in shame. The British North America Act is from 1867, not 1878. I knew that.

Excuse my while I go and sing 4 verses of God Save the Queen and have another cup of tea.