I have also come to realize the less interaction I have with him the better. He is just better left to his own devices. Last night I went to the Doc's house and spent the night. I probably said 15 words to him the entire time, hello, goodnight and good morning. It was much easier on my frustration levels as well.
He does not do a good job of making people feel welcome in his home. Not a big deal to me (when I got there last night the Doc made him come out and say Hi to me) but for my daughters who are a roughly the same age a bigger deal sine they want to play and interact with him.
Anyway, all the more the reason for things to slow down which puts me more at ease. None of this will even potentially come close to happening until my daughters feel comfortable knowing it is there home as well. I can't have them coming for their week at a time with me feeling weird and being treated like it's not their home as well.
You seem to be getting a little frustrated by the young lad. I’m sorry it makes things more complicated. I’ve always been skeptical about blended families. Life is very difficult as it is for kids and strangers entering the family doesn’t help matters.
I appreciate your insight on the challenges and I feel you are handling it the best you can.
Yo L.....it is frustrating, I am not sure why and hitting the pause button is good. Ever since the Doc's XH went into the hospital we haven't had a weekend to ourselves in 3 months. Before the Covid craze the Doc's mom would take the young lad 1 night a week so we could have a date night. Now we don't get that either so that started us down the path of having the kids around more frequently than planned so we could see each other. That obviously sped things up a bit which brought all of these things to light.
Well there’s a lot going on right now. Stress in the world, the Docs stressed, her sons a handful and you’re coming out of the honeymoon stage. It’s like your fog is lifting and you are getting a good look at reality. Doesn’t mean it’s still not a good life. Just not all rainbows and sunshine.
One of the many (far too) many little phrases I use to describe the world is "It is everyone's fondest wish for tomorrow to be just like yesterday".
Change is tough. Change thrust upon us is even harder. Like anyone who is doing something new there are lots of things outside your comfort zone. And some of those won't be all positive but will still need to be dealt with either passively (not said in a bad context here) like you are with this boy, or actively. For people accustomed to dealing with things in front of them and putting them to rights with their own hands, passing on that to someone else, especially someone who you have little or no influence on how they'll do it, is tough.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well there’s a lot going on right now. Stress in the world, the Docs stressed, her sons a handful and you’re coming out of the honeymoon stage. It’s like your fog is lifting and you are getting a good look at reality. Doesn’t mean it’s still not a good life. Just not all rainbows and sunshine.
Yes, I agree with LH on this. Suddenly you're getting a preview of what it would be like to be living with this kid, and it's clear that it's too soon for that.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree...I have no say and honestly I dont want to be that person. The jerk boyfriend that comes in and drops the hammer so less is certainly more at this juncture. I also try to remember that he is a product of his environment. He has no 1 on 1 play time with any kids, never had a play date or a sleepover with any kids his age. The only interaction he gets is group activities in school or when he was in boy scouts. Then when he is with adults he gets 100% of the attention and no one else to compete with.
I also try to remember that he is a product of his environment. He has no 1 on 1 play time with any kids, never had a play date or a sleepover with any kids his age. The only interaction he gets is group activities in school or when he was in boy scouts. Then when he is with adults he gets 100% of the attention and no one else to compete with.
I guess what comes to mind for me then is, why is this the case? I’m not exactly trying to cast blame, but who’s fault is this? Why does he not have play dates? Why no sleepovers? Why all the adult attention? He’s not raising himself or growing up in a vacuum. This does not at all seem to be the way you and your ex are raising your girls. Maybe you Have already thought of this and that’s part of why you are in the place you currently are. I give you huge credit in not saying anything. I must say I’ve done the same, at least for the most part, but it both effected my thoughts about the mother and in the case of my ex and step kids are now feel in some ways I let them down and have told them as much. Of course we were married so it’s a different situation. Thing is, you might be able not to comment but it’s nearly impossible and perhaps foolish to ignore it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
BINGO Don! I was thinking the same thing and trying to figure out how to say it without sounding like I was saying the doc is a bad mom because I try very hard not to judge other peoples’ parenting. BUT, he’s a kid. The doc makes choices for him and if he is not getting play dates our outside play or whatever, that is partly on her. You have repeatedly said he is soft and you say the doc says this too but again, he’s a kid so is that all his fault? If he was a teenager, I would say it is totally on him but he’s still young enough that he is not really calling his own shots. I can’t help but wonder if seeing how she parents gives you pause about parenting together in the future because if y’all marry, you WILL have to parent together.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It's his mom's fault. His dad is not involved in his life outside of what their D decree tells him he has to do. So all the real parenting falls on the Doc. Well actually probably his nanny who is an expert on the kids behavior and is with him 4 hours a day, 3 days a week. The doc has him on Fridays after school and on Wednesdays his Grandma picks him up after school.
It is not the way I am nor my X.
The life the kid leads is what is favorable to the Doc and she admits she has not done a good job of socializing him with other kids. I don't know to what extent though he comes home and requests to go play with Johnny or whoever either.
It does impact how I think about the Doc. I certainly don't ignore it and my girls are extremely different. They may not be as smart as the Doc's kid, as versed in Spanish or bible scripture but they are certainly more well rounded. The Doc is very nice to my girls though however they are talkative, active and want to be where ever I am at. All of us under one roof would be a huge adjustment, even for the Doc, who likes her space, quiet time, etc.. We treat our kids vastly different.
For example, the other day I ordered pizza and my girls got Cokes and the Docs kid wanted Root Beer. No biggie. When she got over to my house she wouldn't let him have the Root Beer, I guess he only drinks diet soda. Stuff like that won't go over well in a blended house because I am certainly not going to have my girls walk on eggshells or suffer just because he can't have it. Same with bed times, she starts his process at 7 pm. My girls go to bed at 8:30 and when they don't have school I could care less. She never deviates off his schedule.
I know those are just little things but that is where it starts. Which is why I am not in a rush. We have had no conversations about how we would come together to raise our kids if a blended family were to happen.
