Kudos to you J. You did the right thing for you and your girls without fearing backlash. And you will know that she is the right woman for you if she is patient and considerate of you and your girls. You pushed it forward a little and now it’s time to pull back a little . Respecting each other’s timeline is important Looks like so far so good. You are handling this well.
Thanks G......I can't have my girls feeling uncomfortable . I honestly think it would be different for them if her son was different, more interactive, wanted to play with them more, etc. Where not talking girly stuff either but that's not the case so we shall see.
As I said, I could tell she was disappointed but it is what it is!
The Doc told me early on she wants to get married again and doesn't want to waste time dating someone that doesn't have the same intentions. It's not that I couldn't get there our timelines may just be different. Plus her son and her are package deals and as I learn more about him it is something to consider as well.
I really don't have any doubt that you are putting your girls first and doing the right thing. But c'mon, let's be honest here, I really get the feeling that at least a part of you is a bit happy that this gives you a very legit out to what you really want - or don't want to do - anyhow. You've only been divorced for 2 years - a couple weeks shy. You've already been dating the doc for over a year so it's all still pretty new. Remove the kids and this perfect reason not to get married sooner goes away. You've said it yourself, you'd be fine doing what you're doing much longer - perhaps forever. I don't blame you. I'm just saying, it's a bit fortuitous that now you can say "hey, if it were only up to me, I'd be putting a ring on it right now, but because of the kids I just can't." It's the perfect solution. If you dig deep I'm pretty sure you're going to agree I've hit on the deep truth. It really is a win-win.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
It’s interesting - I hear different theories. My family, some of bf”s family is more old school. They are more used to the idea that the kids are gonna have to deal and that’s life and since when do kids get a say. They think we spoil the kids and let them dictate. My mom told me how back In the day - when a family member died you remarried or took your nephews/nieces Or the other kids in and they became cousins or paisons and no one even knew how anyone was related. She makes fun of how I worry too much and loves the term “too friggen bad”. She often mimicks modern discipline techniques (too and says kids are like dogs and you have to be alpha and can’t show weakness.
I think I’m a different generation then they are and have this huge anxiety that what I do and say will lead to him needing intense therapy and getting into bad relationships and thinking I didn’t love him etc etc. My bfs ideas seems to be a healthy middle. He’s talking a lot to his sons but feels like marriage/ growing old with someone is a priority for him too. And wants to make it work and feels more that the kids will need to adjust but he will do everything he can to make sure they do. He’s giving his own kid tons of extra time and attention which has been helping.
I think it might come down to what are your priorities. Down the road Does it have to be a choice ? And again it’s what you want too. Marriage seems like something you are not looking to jump into either. It’s not your priority and you seem to like the status quo
Yes, it certainly buys me more time and it is a win-win. Not going to lie. I enjoy my time alone, I enjoy having my own house to retreat to and I enjoy the off week when I don't have my girls. I am actually very spoiled at the moment. I go over about 3 or 4 times a week during my off weeks. She buys me booze, food, we have plenty of adult time and then I get to go home. Such a beautiful thing. I know though that it won't last forever. Getting married is not a priority the Doc did tell me she was not in a rush either. I think she is fine taking it slow though knowing there is a future.
I don't want my daughters dictating the terms to me but I feel that I also have to be considerate of their feelings. It's one thing to ask questions but I can't have them crying on me telling me they wished we spent more time together just the three of us. I can't have them still in the Parent Trap mindset of still thinking their mom and I are getting back together and crying about it. I can't have them start crying when I tell them at some point we might be moving from our home. Every kid is different though and I am very close to my girls. Some kids might not react like mine did and I understand that.
My buddy moved in with his girlfriend after about 1.5 years of dating. He only has his kids every other weekend and his now wife had 2 boys. They continued to date for another 1.5 years and got married after 3. Maybe his daughters didn't react like mine did because they didn't live with him 50% of the time. Maybe her sons didn't react because they are boys. Not sure. It is something my girls are going to have to work through.
They like the Doc, they think she is nice. It's not about her as I think they would feel this way about anyone. They weren't complaining about her, it was all about her son.
My daughters are aware of the Doc and I dating, having a future, etc. They asked me if her son would be their step-brother and I told them "yes". I told them that we wouldn't live in our house forever, etc so they are aware of what the possibilities are.
Probably.....one of the docs problems is that she is very Type A and doesn't believe in crying, showing emotions, etc. She wants him to be a strong boy, that is active, plays outside, gets dirty and does normal boy stuff. This lil guy just wants to lay around in his soft pants, watch shows, eat junk and play with stuffed animals all day. So in her mind she wants him to toughen up and I think that impacts her ability to recognize he potentially could benefit.
I try to be careful about what I say unless she asks for my opinion.
I try to be careful about what I say unless she asks for my opinion.
yeah, that's wise.
My ex-wife would often say that when she wanted my opinion that she would give it to me
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
LOL....she knows her kid is a handful. If you leave him be and just prop him up on his ipad all day there are no issues. When you ask him to do something different, the transition between activities, etc. that is when he challenges versus just falling in line. HE usually always comes up with a reason or an alternative as to why he can't do the activity. For example, he can't go for a walk around the block because it is too hard on his legs. I mean $hit your 8 yrs old dude, you should be able to take a walk around the block. Then when he doesn't get what he wants he just shuts down and cries.
Anyway, I just keep to myself and offer my opinion when asked. Outside of that I just listen and validate.
