I am going to suggest that you try to stop engaging your h in conversations. He is very much aware that you miss his friendship, companionship, etc. Just leave him be. If he wants/needs to talk to you he will. Please, please try to refrain from having relationship conversations w/him. He knows you love him and want him to be okay. When you have these conversations, believe it or not, you are putting pressure on him and right now, he is only thinking of himself and the inner pain he is dealing with.
Now it is time to work on YOU! Keep the focus on you and allow God to work on your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks so much! I know I did the wrong thing. I haven't been sleeping well and when my heart starts racing, my skin starts tingling, my mind gets going so early in the morning. I know that I need to stop doing that. I know he is incapable of dealing with anything other than himself. I know that. I am trying to learn better self control.
I am a talker, communicator, and yes, controller. I will learn. I am learning. I have done better and better each week. This is the first time in almost 2 weeks I said anything like this. So I just have to keep doing what I am doing. Thank you so much!
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Hi B6. When I read your posts, I see a lot of myself. Trust me. Just, ignore him. Remember when you first started liking boys? Have you ever ignored a boy you liked? Act 'as if' you don't care. Nothing he does bothers you. Ignore him, listen, observe, smile. Let him start conversations. I get the need to chat. The need for that friendship that was. Especially now. I too am living with H. We are still legally M,; nothing was filed! . (I'll post on my page later).
Trust me & you'll see a difference.
Another thing that help me was spending extra time on self care beauty routines. I don't have any fancy creams, but I really feel better after my beauty rituals. And wear make up! A natuarl look. Put on marcarsa. It really does feel good when you take extra for your self. Try some DIY treatments.
Take care of you inside & out.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Canbird - great advice. Little things that we do for ourselves make such a difference. So funny I don’t wear makeup but I’ve started “playing around” with the natural look too. And even tho I’m working from home, I get up and get dressed “as if” I’m going to work every morning...put on my jewelry etc....why the heck not!! I think you’re doing well B6 - it took me a lot longer to get to where you appear to already be! Keep going (((hugs)))!!
Believe - you are receiving great advice and doing very well!
The early months of this are so hard. We have to trust the process and know that better days are coming our way, because they are!
Regarding sleep, well into my ex’s MLC, my sister turned me onto Solgar (brand name) Calcium Magnesium Citrate with Vitamin D3. Don’t think the brand matters just stating what I used. I like the liquid format and prefer the blueberry flavor. It is all natural, helps with anxiety and sleep. Maybe check it out but if you try it, more is not better as it can cause a runny tummy.
Just keep reminding yourself you did not cause this nor can you fix it. Emotionally healthy people with good coping skills do not go through MLC.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your friend said some amazing things and it sounds like you understand what you need to do
If you practice letting go...you will get empowered you come first and yes you need 2 hands to properly swim
you cant save him...only he can you cant save this relationship alone
and we all have made mistakes with trying to make our Mlcer aware
I know I did and I really believed at that time maybe he didnt know he could come home... but he ignored all my words, all my changes and hard work and continued down his own path
eventually leading himself after many years to total destruction and misery
I saved me I saved my kids you can as well
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you so much for your support! I have a hard time in the mornings. Especially when he can't sleep or wakes up early and I can sense him on his phone. Then I get tempted to look. I do sometimes glance, but never say anything or try to engage.
In the mornings is when my mind goes back to the why questions... why did he do this? Why didn't he value the relationship like I did? How could he not remember we promised to never do this to each other like his dad did to his mom? And it starts my heart racing, my skin crawling and I can feel myself wanting to engage (or rage).
Instead, I begin to pray for God to change me. To make me into who I need to be. The person who can weather any storm. The person who can stand in the midst of the worst of it and actually laugh. Nothing can bring me down. I have all the power of the universe inside me.
I have this bracelet which I wear and love... "Fate whispers to the warrior- You can't handle the storm. And the warrior whispers back- I am the storm."
I know that I am the warrior who is the storm. The one how is powerful and fierce and all things. It's not that I will bring death and destruction. No. It's that I am all the elements that live in the power of life. I can be the wind, the sea, the sky, the earth, the fire, the light... we are all of it. We can't be destroyed by what comes. We embody what comes and come through it.
We embrace our power and allow it to carry us through. So I leaned in to God and allowed myself to know, as my friend reminded me, I am God (or the way I like to put it--- I am ONE with God and God is everything). If I believe that, then I know that God is already working for me. God is already working for H. I must let go of any illusions that I have any control over him or his life.
I only have control over mine. I don't even have control over my kids' lives. I can influence, I can do my best to protect, but at the end of the day, they too will grow up and leave. In the meantime, I am doing everything I can to show them how to make it through a devastating time. How to look inward and be strong enough to evolve... strong enough to transform (Caterpillar to butterfly or coal to diamond).
Thank you for your wisdom, cheerleading and support, all! Have a great day!
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
B6- just wanted to say that for the first 4 months I too had an awful time in the mornings and I analyzed the p**p out of it. All I could come up with was that overnight we refresh, we regroup we prepare ourselves to start a new fresh day. In our situations we wake up and are faced with another full day of our reality. Like Groundhog Day as much as we want things with our H to be different it is not, so our “new day” is another day of just coping to get by. I flipped the tables on my awful mornings by getting out for an awesome walk while listening to something empowering. Maybe it’s a Fav meditation, or just sounds of nature but something that is enjoyable and grounding to you. I also did “sights and sound” exercises where I would go on a walk and really take the time to take everything in in a different way than before. I’d hear a bird and try to find it, I’d look at a tree and really look at its leaves or texture of its trunk...really feel the wind. It sounds silly but it allows for you time, stops the mind from racing, gets you out of H’s space and most of all it grounds you. You have a great attitude and are doing well ...just detach more as others always remind us. Enjoy your day!
Last edited by job; 04/05/2003:11 PM. Reason: edited a word
You have received some really sage advice. I like your IRL friend’s words, very wise.
Originally Posted by Believe6
In the mornings is when my mind goes back to the why questions... why did he do this? Why didn't he value the relationship like I did? How could he not remember we promised to never do this to each other like his dad did to his mom? And it starts my heart racing, my skin crawling and I can feel myself wanting to engage
Oh, I do remember those weird sensation - like your skin crawling. I couldn’t handle long sleeves, oh my goodness my breathing would get all amped up, my arms felt weird, my skin needed to be uncovered. You’re all fine. Perfectly normal. Time will heal.
Those why questions are persistent aren’t they? We all need a certain amount of understanding before we can let go. We also need a certain amount of acceptance, emotional understanding, before we can let go.
Originally Posted by Believe6
Why didn't doesn’t he value the relationship like I did?
Careful with your wording, your mind is listening.
Pretty sure he did value the relationship. You were married 21 years and together 25. Do not rewrite history.
You cannot read his mind. Stay more to his actions. He appears to not currently value the relationship. And yes, he is not the same guy you knew/know. He is confused and emotionally driven. “Why” he does things, even he doesn’t know. It just feels right-ish.
Originally Posted by Believe6
How could he not remember we promised to never do this to each other...
Mind reading.
The sad fact is that he probably does remember his promise and vows. He just can’t face them. His is driven to find justifications to abandon his own promises. They bury their loving emotions, unable to sort through so many unearthed past feelings. They are consumed by their own unreconciled past. They live in the past and hopefully grow up from there and then.
For us, and our crawling skin, our reactions are from inside us. The very questions you are asking about H - not remembering his promises to never do this - you are asking yourself.
How can I let go? I promised to never let go. To never just abandon him. For better or worse. All that stuff.
Drop the rope or be dragged. (((Hugs)))
Compassionate indifference.
You are so correct, you must save yourself first. We find our way, to let go, get through the withdrawal, to grieve.
We all need a certain amount of understanding and acceptance - to let go. Your healing and growth is not breaking your promises. In fact, in the growth of compassion and acceptance we find our “word”, our sincerity, more rock solid than ever.
Originally Posted by Believe6
Instead, I begin to pray for God to change me. To make me into who I need to be.
I like that.
God does answer all prayers.
You change you. Free will and all that. God does place challenges to help us become who we need to be. He never puts more on your plate than you can handle. We are stronger than we first realize. Have faith and let God.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
