Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[Pommy99]

Well I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks because there hasn’t really been any change or progress (and it’s painful sometimes to read the posts on here). I’m pleased to say I haven’t initiated any conversations about the M or asked how he is feeling etc. I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job of dropping the rope.

H never did reply to my text but he did show up a couple of days later with a bottle of wine when he dropped off the kids. A couple of days later was D14 birthday and he came over for dinner and stayed the evening. We played cards and watched a movie. It was the perfect happy family. Then at 10pm he disappeared. The following day I cried all day. That evening and the next 3 evenings he came to the house to pick up/drop off the kids and I made sure I was out doing my daily exercise each time. I did see him at the weekend, he came to drop off the kids and I was sitting in the garden and he came and sat down for a chat. Just chit chat about work etc, nothing personal.

I then didn’t see or speak to him from Saturday to Thursday. It killed me, it really did, but it was really my actions, e.g when I went to his with the kids I’d just drive off without getting out of the car. I spent weds and thurs crying my eyes out. On thurs he dropped the kids off and came to the door because he thought he’d say hi. He came in, he told me he liked my shoes, said he’d forgotten I had those, he commented how lovely our house is compared to his horrible rental, he put his hand on my leg when he got up to go, and then engaged me in even more conversation on the doorstep, saying I looked good. Ugh. All the things I want to hear but don’t want to hear. Yesterday he resumed sending me funny texts which I replied to about 3hrs later. Then last night he asked me if I wanted to take my car to his house so he could clean it. I politely declined and said I had plans with the kids and so he asked if I wanted him to come to my house and he could do it there. I didn’t reply to the text. He then called D16 and asked her to ask me if I wanted him to come over and clean my car. We haven’t replied. I don’t know what the right response is. Of course I want him to come over to OUR home and pretend we are a family of 4 for the afternoon. But when we do that, and he leaves, it takes me days to recover from the heartache.

I am so confused by him. I have been reading up more on MLC and I am convinced he is having one. So my question is, should my behaviours be any different? Should I continue to drop the rope? A lot of what I read about MLC says that H tend to come and go, and you should just be a supportive W. Should I let him come and go? Even if it’s bad for me? Or is that just letting him have his cake and eat it? He’s been gone 7 weeks now but seems to need to constantly reach out to me.

[KitCat]

I don't have an answer for you... but wanted to send you hugs!!!!

Of course its confusing... he is there and participating... giving you some serious mixed signals!!!

I would expect the vets would say to stay the course. He is snooping around because he is curious that you don't need him.

Sorry for all the tears.

Just know I'm in corner girl!!!

[LH19]

P,

I have to be honest with that I have not read your entire thread just your opening post and your last post.

The good news is that I don't think he is going through MLC and you have a good chance at reconciliation if you change up your strategy.

I think you husband isn't confused he is emotionally immature and is manipulating you. In essence you have given him a hall pass to find "romance and passion" well you sit obediently at home waiting for him to come home.


Often people mistake this fighting on the part of the WS as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in him is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with his affair partners and outside interests, he can always come back to his comfortable marriage.

Its a huge comfort to know that he has you to fall back on if things go badly for him. You've already proven that you'll save him, like when you have him over to play house. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.

He needs to *fully believe* that you will not be there for him if he chooses to return, and that if he wants to come back he's going to have to work for it.

You can't tell him that, he'll never believe it. You have to show him that beyond a doubt with your actions.

Ever run into a crazy person on the sidewalk who points at you and yells at you? You do what you can to minimize the interaction but after that you move on. It doesn't ruin your day, it certainly doesn't hurt your self-esteem or make you feel worse about who you are as a person.

You need to regard him with exactly the same level of detachment and disinterest. Whatever he does it doesn't effect you.

At the same time, you have to build a life for yourself that anyone would want to be a part of, full of fun activities, outside interests, and engaging friends. If you can do both of those things -- completely emotionally uncouple from him (fake it until you make it) *and* build an amazing life for yourself, she'll clamor to come back and if he doesn't you won't care.

That's your only winning path out of where you are, but getting there is going to be uncomfortable, and more painful than you feel today, because it will go against your nurturing nature.

I'm very sorry you're here. Everything he told you about your faults was nonsense to justify his quest for passion. When you then respond to his complaints you validate them, so he feels even more entitled to have his freedom.

[Pommy99]

HELP! H has come round and told me he wants to come home, he wants his family back, 7 weeks apart has made him realise what’s important to him, he misses me and he loves me. I’ve said I miss him too and I still love him but that we have lots to talk about the way back. We did have a nice kiss. But now I’m scared this is all too easy.

What do I do next....what do I read? What are the rules?

He has said previously he knows he can’t come back unless 100% certain because he could never put me through all this again.

[LH19]

You can’t make it easy for him or he’ll walk again the next time he gets board. I think you should tell him you needs some time to think about it. Certainly do not have him move home right away. IC and MC should be a must.

[KitCat]

Wow.... oh wow... hearts and hugs and take it slow.... deep breath!

You did the work girl, now he should too!

[Pommy99]

Thanks LH , KC

I’m happy to take things slow. I said we need to talk about how we got to this point, and what we really want from a R together. He’s said he’s missed the family, and even when he has the kids there’s a bit missing. He’s realised that after 20yrs the love is different to that new euphoric love and he realises it’s deeper than he thought . There is lots to discuss, not least the working away from home and EAP status, but I’d like to think we have time on our side to really work through this. He won’t be working away any time soon, and I think still having space in separate houses while we work it through will be good. We did kiss some more and it felt nice. I hope we can fix this but I’m under no illusions about the difficulties ahead. Our previous experience with MC 2 years ago were not good so I’m not sure where we go with that one. But maybe that’s not paramount today/tomorrow/next week

[dillydaf]

Every piecing thread I've read on here says that piecing is the hardest bit of this whole thing. Please be careful. Don't let him back too easy or he will walk again (he might anyway, he's been ambivalent a long time...) IC for him, MC for both of you is a minimum, I would not trust him being gone a few short weeks during a global pandemic as being typical of his long term feelings. I might be too pessimistic, or projecting my H's deep problems onto your H, but I really wish in a way that I had walked away from my M a few years ago when I got the first mini BD. Life would have been easier overall than going through all that heartbreak properly in the long term. It is so easy to take someone back, but put yourself 2 years in the future if he has done no work on himself or the M.

[Pommy99]

Thank you DD. I am feeling very cautious. Of course this is everything I want but we need to talk about a lot of things. We spent time together on Saturday and Sunday and it was nice and fun. I know that losing my companionship has always been a big thing for him and this whole last year has been ILYB. He didn’t see us being an intimate couple ever again, he said it was awkward and like brother /sister. Yesterday we proved that not to be the case. He may be manipulating me, who knows. But I don’t regret it because I wanted it to happen spontaneously before it became one of the big talking points and then subsequently felt contrived and not spontaneous.

I have left it with him that we have a lot to talk over before making big decisions but haven’t pushed those talks or set a date/time. I’m not sure whether to wait for him to initiate more talks or to suggest an evening myself?

[wayfarer]

He seems more than capable of bringing up R talks on his own, and often. You might want to wait until he would like to chat more about it, but make sure it's on your schedule. A big part of this stuff is realigning that power/control balance in the relationship. If he wants you that badly you get to call the shots. You should be the one in control of piecing and reconciliation. And in that process, not before,, you become a team and end the power struggle.

No matter what don't let him crawl back too quickly. Make sure you make him work for it. He's gotta prove this is what he wants.

And I'm glad to hear you got some

xoxo