Working on my physical attraction - easy that's just eat smart and exercising.
Working on my intellectual attraction - moderately easy, I'm smart I just spent last weekend getting someone's first hand experience in raising goats for meat. I just have to get my confidence back up! I was soooo confident when H met me - I blew him out of the water he was so in awe of me. Over the years its been chipped away. I felt less than with the weight gain and even more so with the rejection of my H. Confidence will come back with practice (albiet hard at the moment since we are all so isolated/lack of actual interaction) and with a better relationship with my body.
Working on emotional attraction - this is the most difficult/hardest area for me as I'm dealing with a big smack of reality how I was not a soft place for my H to have good emotional feelings and instead left him with the opposite. I have to really set some goals for daily practice and to monitor my progress... working on not being so controlling. Showing him in my actions and not just my words that I accept and love him for who he is and I am not trying to change him.
Working on spiritual attraction - this will be a moderately difficult. This is my values and beliefs. I was aware of H's affiars in the first M. We both read His Needs/Her Needs How to A Proof Your M while we were dating. I am not saying that H's choice to have A is MY FAULT. But, I recognize the process of how it happens. I was pulling away and leaving my spouse feeling rejected. He filled those needs of emotional connection with someone else that started out as friends, let to flirtation and then an affair. I told my H before M that I would stand by his side through anything but a PA. Well here we are. When H first BD and when I was still trying to ask him to find ways to work through this H even stated that he would go out and sleep with someone that night it that's what it took for me to get over him. I have to do some soul searching to see if I can work through this. I feel I could with the right conditions with H.
These things are good for me. I get that. I still want my H to see me... making this commitment to us. I know he is not in that place right now.
Bombarded with text messages... multiple missed calls from H.
Oh he is mad about the me taking the money. He knew he couldn't trust me... I'm out just to F him over... blah blah blah.
I remained calm and did not return those texts about he is just trying to F me over. Instead I just texted that I see he is upset. I am at work and will call him back as soon as I wrap things up here. That was followed by more text messages. Of course all angry.
I did call him. He was angry. I tried to remain calm. I listened. He kept telling me I am getting all wrong information. I said I'm getting information from a bank teller who has no interest in either one of us.
He said I just should have asked him. I said I asked for the password of our joint account and he refused and said it was none of my business so how I am to expect you will share what those balances are.
He is berating me to unlock the broker funds... I did this... I went and got an atty and f'd everything up. He had a plan blah blah blah.
H: You said you wanted distance. Coming to this town and taking funds is not distance. H: You want me to move back in with you ((not sure where that came from??? because he can't buy a house???)) Me: You want to move back here? H: NO Me: okay
I pointed out that texted me terrible things while I'm driving home from KY is NOT being amicable. Yelling at me because I printed out something and didn't fill out something is not something you belittle someone over. I left post it notes with questions so I didn't forget to ask you about some things because we were supposed to be doing this together and then you went off all on your own. Then came the excuses from H... he didn't see the print out... well it was all right there on top on his 3 pages of paperwork.
Then he rattles about I'm controlling again. I said i tried to walk away from control and let you handle paying off the vehicles 100% on your own but that didn't get done... but that's my fault too.
I tried to be quiet and just let him talk... I tried to just say okay with the accusations. He then complains about having to spend $700 on his truck for brakes... and now can't pay discover bill (sorry I'm not the one charging it up by bath bombs - but never said that to him.) I should have validated the truck thing/sort of did but it went by quickly. I only commented that he was upset. I'm not supposed to validate his anger toward me right?
The conversation turned a little more calm but I had better fix the financial order. I better find a way about getting that money - his money. This is NOT going to court. We already have a verbal agreement in place on what is going to happen. This will be filed with his FREE ATTY. We ARE NOT going before a judge.
I should have ended the call sooo much earlier but left it that we will need to talk again before he comes next week for his items. We have to agree on value before they can leave the house... That sounds like you are getting advice from your attorney again. H states back we already agreed its on the paperwork at his atty === uhm... no that was you filling it out and then taking it in with out working on it with me but whatever.
I feel that I was a doormat today... UGH. I'm worn out by his anger. [me burying head in sand]
I'm sad that this is who we are... two bickering people.
Unfortunately you will have to weather the storm. The legal part is challenging and can be very emotional. One step at a time. You got this, KC.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
KC ~ I think when your H is agitated and upset, it's best to keep the conversation short with maybe a little reflective listening ("I hear how upset you are"). Validation involves *understanding* his feelings and I don't think it's a great idea to validate anger towards you when he is angry. I may be in the minority here.
You can only control your part of keeping things neutral.
Things *will* get better. Sorry to hear this is tearing you up.
Unfortunately you will have to weather the storm. The legal part is challenging and can be very emotional. One step at a time. You got this, KC.
It is challenging....
I have to stand my ground and NOT be a doormat... he will NOT respect a doormat.
I feel like I am letting him down. He had this big plan of leaving me and getting his own house and not having the commute and never giving me the opportunity to hurt him again. It isn't happening on his timeline.
I feel like I'm thrusting him even further into OW. She gets to comfort him while he tells her what a controlling B*TCH I am. She soothes his hurt feelings... they continue to bond and plan their fantasy world.
I am trying to keep the focus on me. I cannot lift the order. I cannot remove my name from joint bank accounts. We have only filed for legal S and due to courts being on shut down who knows when we make the next step which will be financial disclosures. My atty already knows I want slow... and thanks to covid 19 I'm getting a hand from mother nature.
I do have this.. I can do this... I will do this...
But the bickering is eating at my soul. I just want to scream at him... I love you d*mn it... with all your flaws and faults and short comings along with the disappointments I have endured... I love you.
Do WWH's ever work through their anger and feeling of being f'd over and betrayed to say they are really leaving a great woman behind? Of course I want hope... but I don't want to drown in despair.
So H is telling to do whatever it takes to drop the financial order... Of course courts are closed and I did email my atty 2 days ago and no response on an unrelated matter so I'm not emailing her again.
I gonna have to man up ---- I'm going to have to draw the line but I want to come across as though I have done my best. What about this statement.
Me: I am not able to do that (lift financial order). What else can I do for you?
I don't want to be a doormat. I don't want to come across as Plan B... Is what else I can do for you, allowing him to find a solution to his own problem ... without me directly coming across as confrontational by telling him to solve his own problem?
Me: I am not able to do that (lift financial order). What else can I do for you?
re: "What else can I do for you?" - It's not your job to do things for him. He fired you as his wife. re: "I am not able to do that." This isn't bad, but why highlight you're UNABLE to do it, when you could give the stronger reply that you're UNWILLING to do it? If I recall correctly your lawyer advised against doing that.
You: I defer to my divorce attorney. Her e-mail is <address>. - This tells him to redirect unpleasant divorce discussions to your attorney.
You: No. - This makes a clear statement on your position.
You: --- - This tells him it's not up for discussion.
Yesterday things got left off that H sent a few screen shots of banking info. He later texted me to "explain everything". When I didnt respond he called once. I was at work so let both things go. He stopped contact.
Once I'd got off work, exercised the dogs and started dinner I texted : hard to see the images in text and I would print off and look at.
I never heard back from him so I felt no reason to respond.
I'm not contacting him today. I am not chasing him. I'm not looking for his approval.
Now I need to get out of bed and go exercise... was lazy yesterday...
