I think this is the longest period of time that I haven't posted. I realize that it might be a turning point for me, in a way. It tells me that my sitch is not as all consuming as it once was, perhaps. Thoughts of H pop in and out all day. Still.
A few days ago, I sent my comprehensive list to H that outlined all the items I thought we agreed to for the . He just settlement. He said that he was meeting with an attorney on Friday, and may retain him (perhaps her?), and will get back to me. Well, all this time and finally, he will (may?) retain an attorney. The process is slow, and for now will be slower, I'm sure because of all the other important things going on in this world.
H has sent a few random text messages about current events....am I worried, maybe it's time to stock up on food and booze, things of that nature. I joked to a friend today that if H is stuck inside for a few weeks with OW, and it's as strained as he made is sound, than it might really implode. I found myself hoping that it does, and hoping that he is miserable. And glad about it. I do have a bit of a mean streak in my thoughts. But, I'm human, and just being honest here.
S22 is in meltdown mode. He went back to university (even though it's all on-line for the rest of the semester), because he's working on a group project and hoping to get some hours in at work. He called me twice today. He is VERY worked up about not being able to walk for graduation. He is completely devastated about it. High emotions. Some tears. I talked him through it, like I have for other disappointments throught the years, but it breaks my heart. I'm encouraging him to come home to take his classes on-line if his senior project appointments allow. I hope he does. Even at 22, he needs him mom now.
Although the world seems to be going a little bonkers now, with the toilet paper hoarding and the like, I feel calm in the middle of the storm. I don't feel worried, or anxious, or scared. Well, I feel a bit worried for S22, but after he gets used to the new reality, that too will be less worrisome.
I really believe my faith journey over the past 1 1/2 years brought me to this place of peace. I know that I am loved. I am protected. I am provided for.
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19
I continue to find that joy amongst the trials of the day.
I joked to a friend today that if H is stuck inside for a few weeks with OW, and it's as strained as he made is sound, than it might really implode. I found myself hoping that it does, and hoping that he is miserable.
Own posted on her thread about a sweet family memory from happier times. It was lovely. A thought instantly popped into my mind as I read it:
I seem to only hold memories of when H was distant, disengaged, moody, or depressed. How many years ago has it been that he was present, engaged, and happy to be with the family? Was he ever?
There are some times when we seemed happy. He seemed happy. The ones I remember the most are before kids. Those times are hard to remember, though.
If he was ever truly happy with the family, it's been a very, very long time ago.
And it makes me sad. Very sad.
I have one picture of us on a vacation that I didn't pack away. In a frame. It's in my bedside table drawer. It was from a trip prior to kids, that was so terrific.
Maybe I need to focus on that more.
The memories are dim, though.
Tonight I'm making new memories. I moved S22 back home to finish his senior year on-line. We are watching a movie, eating popcorn, and talking about life. Watching "A beautiful day in the neighborhood'. Lots of life lessons there.
We need more people like Mr. Roger's in this world.
So H has retained an attorney. I guess that means that the process on settling the financials is moving forward.
I have been wanting this.
So why do I feel sad and a bit anxious?
It brings up a whole new set of questions. Will his attorney convince him to play hardball? Will we have to start from scratch? H is just now filling out the basic quesionnaire, and I had to provide him some info for that. Makes me a bit sad.
I know. Don't worry about what might or might not happen. Heck, I give that advice all the time!
But, I feel trepidation all the same.
I found myself saying out loud last night, for the very first time, that I miss H. What the heck? Why now?
Too much time at home, maybe. The distractions are there. Lots of manual labor in the yard. Projects getting done in the house. Taxes completed. Meals with the kids. I took today off, but have an intermittent cough that started a few days ago. Feel great otherwise. I'll stay home another day, and see what happens. But, I want to go to work. Take care of my patients. The distraction would be welcome.
Although my sitch is different, I was married and divorced before (that one was annulled too). Even when it seems like the right thing, the only thing left to do... it is still a death of sorts. You think you have made peace. Like when a loved one dies and a critical anniversary, birthday or event happens... it breaks you a little again. You have to grieve again. You miss things again. I don't know that if you truly love someone enough to commit your life to them that you can really just let it all go when it looks like the end is truly near. You must still stir the ashes a little.
In this case, looking at the old memories as you mentioned earlier. You may need to look at them again. Feel both the good and bad of them and then forgive. I always knew forgiveness happens in phases. Things come up, we need to forgive again. You seem so strong from what I've read about your sitch.
You will get through this. Love never dies. It changes form, it changes shape and if we let it... it changes us for the better. I hope that you find peace as you go through this. I hope that you continue to cherish you and the changes you've made...
You will get through this. I tell you this, as I tell myself. I am deep in this still with my H. Not willing to give up, but willing to let go and let God.
Blessings
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Grace, even though I pushed OD to file for divorce in spring 2018 (that he dismissed in Jan. 2019), I still felt a little punch to the gut initially. It passed after a bit. When I got the attorney letter back in September to get things moving on the separation, I felt it again, but it passed very quickly. I check the filings from time to time to see if he's filed again and used to feel a bit of anxiety waiting for the result to come up. Now I feel nothing. Usually just disappointment that he hasn't.
Also, in my experience, him hiring an attorney doesn't mean much. OD has had three that I know of. He just can't seem to take their advice and follow through on anything. Yours probably won't be able to either unless you push him. I've resolved myself to that.
Grace, I hope your cough is better. Too many people are getting sick now with Covid and we all have to take care of our health. If we get it on top of compromised health, well... Yes, let's not borrow trouble. I can't imagine how scary all this is for you right now. But you are a faithful person. You do believe and you are strong.
I am trying to focus on each moment as it comes. I am trying to remember that right this minute all is well. We are all at home. No one is ill, even if we are a bit bored. We are doing what we do in relative peace and quiet. My kids both checked up on me today about a virtual interview I had... that's a first. I usually check on them. They are good about asking how my day was when I would get them from school, but this was them in the middle of the day each checking on me.
So we must remember that we can see the good in each moment. Even the little ones. A bird flying across the window. The sun peaking out from behind the clouds. My breath coming in and out a little easier. As Eckhart Tolle says...there's nothing wrong in the present moment. We are still alive. We are still here. Right now, right this second, we are ok.
Lean in to each and every second. Sometimes that's all any of us LBS' can do. Sending blessings and warm thoughts your way...
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Have you heard anything from Gerda? Are they okay? Please tell her that we are keeping her and her family in our thoughts and prayers during this crisis. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am in contact with Gerda regularly. She is doing o.k. They are still well. I let her know her friends here have asked about her.
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I haven't felt like posting in a while, but from time to time will catch up on everyone here. I haven't felt isolated, am enjoying having my kids around, and getting lots done around the house. Making the best of the situation is all we can do. This past weekend, I enjoyed long walks, baked bread, worked in the garden, spent many hours on the Lanai reading and watching the birds and critters, worked on a puzzle, prepared several home made meals, connected with the kids and a few friends, continued on with my 30 day squats challenge (now on day 9), and caught up with my sis. I'd say all in all it was a great weekend.
I am starting to have small feelings of betrayal for posting about H's revelations on this journey. But, I will do so now, but having thoughts about stopping that part of my journaling. Is it fear he will read it? Would he see it as a betrayal? I would not want anything to jeopardize his sharing with me, the leap of faith and trust he is taking knowing his fears as I do. It is all anonymous, but still.....However, I will share this:
H has sent a few e-mails with some revelations he made in therapy. Mainly how he realizes that he never openend up to anyone, including me, out of fear of rejection. How he was hurt by so many when he was young, and no one protected him. He mentioned how I never really had a chance to give him what he needed because he could never open up. And he apologized for that. Lots more was said, I had plenty to say in return (with compassion, of course). He's still sad about his daughter rejecting him, and seems to have given up. She is still so very bitter. It's been 8 months since they spoke. I am trying to not lose faith that repair is possible. I told H I thought nothing was impossible, but he seems to think there is no hope. He quoted the first few lines of the Serenity Prayer, and I guess realizes he can't make D20 do anything, include forgive him (although he doesn't believe his actions where against her at all). That, I believe, is the problem. But, I will stay out of it.
I'm glad he seems to be having an awakening, and committed to healing. But, I feel sad over all the lost years we could have had a wonderful connection.
