I feel KTO will fold and look week if WW flashes her eye lids.
He needs to do it because he sees the benefit - but not retract.
First, I can't really fold because in my state the separation is meaningless. It basically says you are separated and here is the agreed-upon parenting time/schedule, proves you are living separately (asks for addresses) and asks who is paying for the home and child (me). No division of finances, no assets, nothing else can be included. If I decide later to go through with D, that is an entirely different process. They usually don't even look at the separation agreement when you D. In my state, only at-fault divorces can have legal separations so they are rare but adultery is an at-fault D. Also, in my state, you don't even need a lawyer t do this. They have put all the forms online for you to fill out. Once that happens, notarize it, send to the state and pay $150 to file the separation agreement (I wouldn't be able to take this step until courts pen but I can have it notarized to stop the clock before we hit 5 years).
Here are the reasons why I want to do it, in order.
1. It time stamps the separation so that the courts one day could see we separated before the 5 years. 2. It allows me to feel like I have some control of where our relationship is heading (right now I am in limbo and I hate it). I know I can't control, her, but I can control where our relationship is headed. 3. Although some agree, and some don't, I think they will show her that I am not sitting here waiting for her to make up her mind. That I am starting to make up mine. That she knows what my expectations are and she has done nothing to work towards them. So I will move forward the only way can...seperation. Remember, D is impossible right now and probably will be for months. This may or may not help her to wake up. But that is not the main reason I am doing it. I need to time stamp his so I don't pay her for years and years!
Here are the reasons why I want to do it, in order.
1. It time stamps the separation so that the courts one day could see we separated before the 5 years. 2. It allows me to feel like I have some control of where our relationship is heading (right now I am in limbo and I hate it). I know I can't control, her, but I can control where our relationship is headed. 3. Although some agree, and some don't, I think they will show her that I am not sitting here waiting for her to make up her mind. That I am starting to make up mine. That she knows what my expectations are and she has done nothing to work towards them. So I will move forward the only way can...seperation. Remember, D is impossible right now and probably will be for months. This may or may not help her to wake up. But that is not the main reason I am doing it. I need to time stamp his so I don't pay her for years and years!
Well, you have to protect yourself financially. One reason that single men are hesitant to get married these days, is b/c the courts favor the wife in divorces and the H is financially ruined. I'm not a lawyer and don't know how effective the stamp would be some time in the future, after living together again.
My concern is that this step to file legal separation is coming from a H who doesn't know how to tell his WW not to come over to cut his hair.
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She is so afraid to face me and definitely afraid to face my mother. I know she is. So it is a big step for her to reach out.
This is NOT a "step" toward reconciling the MR. Your W has done nothing, that I can tell, except voice concern for your grandmother. Now, I am very suspicious of her so-called "reaching out", b/c you are jumping all over it. I see a WW taking this situation with your grandmother, and using her "concern" to get on friendly terms with you. She just looking for a crack in the door to get back inside. That's why she is blowing up your phone with texts. And finally, she snagged the right one when she asked about cutting your hair. Don't be blind to what she's doing.
Did you stop to think that all the other teachers are in the same boat and can't get their hair cut/fixed? You've got to stop trying to rationalize reasons to let her back, b/c if you don't, she's going to play you for a sucker.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is NOT a "step" toward reconciling the MR. Your W has done nothing, that I can tell, except voice concern for your grandmother. Now, I am very suspicious of her so-called "reaching out", b/c you are jumping all over it. I see a WW taking this situation with your grandmother, and using her "concern" to get on friendly terms with you
I see what you are saying but my W did apologize to my mother for the pain she has caused and said how sorry she was for the pain she has caused me. She said she realizes that isn't going to do much but she is incredibly sorry. Knowing my W, I do give her credit for that. I realize this isn't R with me, but it is something.
I’ll say it again. It’s words which are pretty much meaningless.
No if she said I’m sorry for all the pain I caused what can I do to fix it? Then actually followed through with it no contact, IC, MC etc then that would be something.
I see what you are saying but my W did apologize to my mother for the pain she has caused and said how sorry she was for the pain she has caused me. She said she realizes that isn't going to do much but she is incredibly sorry. Knowing my W, I do give her credit for that. I realize this isn't R with me, but it is something.
These are just words though... Again you are looking for the best outcome / WW in the best light when the reality is she is still WW.
If you read about 1/2 stories on here there is always a point where the WW starts to make an effort etc. There is a motive, or maybe for a brief second they start to realise on what they are giving up.. BUT they are still wayward and unless your WW puts some serious effort into changing ( ive seen none ) you are back to square 1...
Just read back through your posts.. There are at least a couple of occasions ( if not more ) where you have frustrated WW and she has shown her true colours.. Empty words to your mother dont really carry a lot of weight in reconciling.. Again, your mindset is "but she" - you are trying to justify her words as progress - believe nothing they say !
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
You are getting good advice here KT. Only do separation for YOU. Could you verify if legal sep actually avoids the 5-year deadline?
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That is what my W is always doing. "Can you do this for our D? How is our D doing? Can you tell her I love her? Do you want me to get groceries for her? Can I drop her off her scooter/toys for her to use?" etc. etc. etc.
In regards to this, I would only answer "How is D doing?" and answer it later. All the other she can do on her time with the child or on FaceTime.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Could you verify if legal sep actually avoids the 5-year deadline?
I spoke to my L today and she said the 5-year thing is real but the separation may not help time stamp it. She said we could wait until as late as July before filing that anyways. So she told me to wait because courts are closed and not much can be done.
Update: I took the approach I would not say anything about the haircut unless she did. Radio silence until noon today when she texted from her parent's house. I know I wasn't following everything as I should, but I am having a tough day so I took her bait a little but then backed off. Here is the sum of it then tell me your thoughts:
W: How is your grandmother today? H: Not great, same as yesterday. W: Do you want D and I to come by so we can take the dog for a walk? W: I don't know I just didn't know if our D would cheer you up. H: You know where I stand in you coming over. I need to protect myself and move forward. So please do not text or reach out to offer to come by. W: Okay, I understand and I will respect your wishes. I was just trying to be supportive in this awful time. I know the other stuff isn't easy. Maybe we will just stay here then. Sorry if I upset you asking to come over. I know I've already done all the damage.
Here is where I became weak... H: Do you want to be here or are you coming for our D? W: I want to be there to support you. I don't know what the hell else I want or what I am doing. I know I need to be here right now. I am sorry and I understand that isn't fair or easy. H: Go to IC. Do it for you or our D.
That was it. No response back. I know I made some mistakes but I am really struggling with isolating alone through all of this. My grandmother isn't doing well and I can't GAL like I want to. I need to move forward as if she isn't coming back for my own psyche.
Again, thank you, everyone, for your support. I am trying to follow it and even though I have some setbacks and failures, I am learning.
Yeah K you are your own worst enemy. It’s fine to have a hard line stance but your passive aggressive in some of your texts. Also, be careful what you wish for because a lot of ICs will push WWs towards divorce if it’s what they think will make them happy and keep them coming back and paying money.
You keep setting yourself back but tomorrow is another day.
