I do feel like she is beginning to turn but I don't know if she is ending contact wit the OM. Her actions are seeming like she is but I have no idea. So I will continue to detach, work on myself, and try to focus on the present.
She isnt beginning to turn - Typical WW behaviour. In the current climate her options are limited and she is keeping you interested as a failover option. Very ironically, my WW has never been so nice over the limited contact we have had over the past week.. The truth came out on Sunday when i found out from my daughter that WWs sister and mum had given her a roasting for still seeing the OM while we were in lockdown. On Sunday i receive a random message from WW asking me to assist in any DIY / technology issues etc while in lockdown because she has nobody else to ask. Of course she put the guilt trip on it "being for the children" - Needless to say i ignored - to which i then got abuse later...( shows true colours as i didnt come running) - point being she has been gone over 12 months, i dont have verbal convesations with her and anything non child related is ignored.. Yet 12 months later she still expects my assistance.. And their true colours show when they don't get their way - They WILL take take take IF YOU allow it.
Originally Posted by kto626
And MrBrside, I know you think I am doing things against the board's advice, but I haven't. Just walk me away from the edge is all...
You have complete control of you ! YOU... So start by not even getting close to the edge. Be the guy in the sports car zooming down the country lane with the wind blowing through your hair. YOU are allowing yourself to get to the edge. Dont even start to walk that mountain - keep firm feet way down at the bottom - there is then zero risk of getting close to the top. Get a chinup bar for a door frame ( £15 ) or set yourself a pressup challange - 100 a day - NO exceptions or excuses. Start today. By the end of April thats 3100 pressups minimum.. You will feel better.. And if you feel like you are about to walk up that cliff, do another 100.
You are the only one who can stop yourself getting to the edge.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
point being she has been gone over 12 months, i dont have verbal convesations with her and anything non child related is ignored.
That is what my W is always doing. "Can you do this for our D? How is our D doing? Can you tell her I love her? Do you want me to get groceries for her? Can I drop her off her scooter/toys for her to use?" etc. etc. etc.
That how she starts every text convo, usually first thing in the morning but it can come at any time during the day. Then she will ask "how are you? Do you need help with your work schedule? Do you want me to work from the house (our shared house)?" These comments I am trying to ignore or state that I don't want her to. How else should I respond?
Lastly, she did ask if I needed a haircut because my hair is getting so long with businesses being closed. I am debating it. I know you would say no but she has all of the clippers, equipment, etc. I am thinking to let her do it then ask her to leave. I am not seeing any other ppl so no one else can do it and I beginning online teaching and have numerous meetings with my supervisor/bosses and I don't want to look like a scrub. I know you all would say no but what other choice do I have? I am not shaving my head if that is what you are thinking...lol. These are different times. Normally I would just get a haircut somewhere but I can't do that
That is what my W is always doing. "Can you do this for our D? How is our D doing? Can you tell her I love her? Do you want me to get groceries for her? Can I drop her off her scooter/toys for her to use?" etc. etc. etc.
Because you allow it to happen. It comes back to self respect. If you allow it to happen, she will take advantage. Even if you did stand up to her, she will still prod and poke hoping to find a chink in the armour or for you to let your guard down. Decide what you want / will do and stick to it.. Anything else, dont rise to it.
Sandi wrote a great piece on this, where she explains the WW will use the LBS as babysitter, plumber, handyman etc etc - because the LBS allows it. = zero respect.
Originally Posted by kto626
Lastly, she did ask if I needed a haircut because my hair is getting so long with businesses being closed. I am debating it. I know you would say no but she has all of the clippers, equipment, etc. I am thinking to let her do it then ask her to leave. I am not seeing any other ppl so no one else can do it and I beginning online teaching and have numerous meetings with my supervisor/bosses and I don't want to look like a scrub. I know you all would say no but what other choice do I have? I am not shaving my head if that is what you are thinking...lol. These are different times. Normally I would just get a haircut somewhere but I can't do that
In the 12 months since my WW left ( 29th March 2019) i have never asked her for a single thing.. Not one.. She fired me as her partner - if my employee fired me, would i go back and ask for help ? would i help them if they asked me ? hell no. Why is this any different. If your wife had died, you wouldnt have that fallback option for a haircut would you? if your WW wasnt cake eating and ran off to another country / state with OM, you wouldnt have the option would you ? Yes its the easy option.. But you need to start standing on your own two feet.. Ladies dont like needy males. This is your chance to stand tall... so do it.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
You're right. Time to grow my hair long I guess. I just have to figure out a way to tell her I don;t want her to come cut my hair. I guess when she asks, "what time?" I will just say I have decided not to cut my hair right now. That good?
I have another question after speaking to a friend who went through D. In the state I live, marriage is considered long term 5 years and beyond, therefore, allowing my W to more finances and rights. We have been married for 4.5 years. My friend said if this drags on, and the courts remain closed, then I should file for legal separation (don't need the courts for this). In this state it basically it is notarized document timestamp when the separation occurred, child custody and such. No finances or assets can be resolved here but I thought this would prevent me from going beyond 5 years. Admittedly, this may be a wake-up call for my W to know I am serious. So yes, it is a two-fold motive but I do not want to give up more finances because I can't even file for D (if I even wanted to).
I bought our house before we were married, paid every cent from my own checking account, but if we go beyond 5 years, she qualifies for alimony and more financial assets regardless of her paying NOTHING since we married, which I think is ridiculous.
You're right. Time to grow my hair long I guess. I just have to figure out a way to tell her I don;t want her to come cut my hair. I guess when she asks, "what time?" I will just say I have decided not to cut my hair right now. That good?
Handle the best way you see fit, but stick with it...
That said, i'm a massive fan of self improvement.. so once lock down ends, get out and sort your hair, your clothes and some nice aftershave.. if you havent already.
Originally Posted by kto626
Admittedly, this may be a wake-up call for my W to know I am serious.
Wrong mind process - don't think of this as a wakeup call - you do this because you either want to, or because you are trying to protect your finances.. not as a wakeup - You do it for you - and you do it when you plan on sticking to it.. Ive been here 12 months and i dont think you should file yet - you arent strong enough and will fold at the first sign your WW wants you.
I can see this panning out like this - If your WW is familiar with this state law, she will come begging for you back.. No remorse or real regret... 5 years passes and it starts again - only this time you lose that 5 year divorce rule.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Understand MB but there is a big carrot at the end of the stick. I’m not gonna lie I am a big numbers man and the statistics are heavily favored that he will end up D anyway.
I'm glad you're saw the light on the haircut. It's like video chats with kids in the background. Everyone single, and many couples, are in the same boat--it's no haircut or a self-haircut until the lockdown ends. It's natural to keep thinking of ways our ex's are "essential". They usually aren't. We can become stronger.
I'm with you on D to protect your assets. I'm worried about the "wakeup call" motive, because based on self-preservation the right move is to proceed even if she did "wake up". Nothing stops you from reconciling while and after the D completes and then remarrying with a whole new 5-year clock--there's even poetry given how she shattered this marriage in Relationship 2.0 being symbolized by a whole new marriage.
