LH, what work could I be doing? I'm working out a lot, eating well, reading, going to IC (phone at the moment), and going for a lot of walks with the dog. What she's can I do besides that?
And CW, I'm just using an app as an escape and talking to women. Nothing inappropriate, just small talk. But going for a hike may lead to other advances so I need to be careful.
Those are all great things but you need to learn to be alone, to love and respect yourself and then the rest will fall in to place.
THIS...
In your posts you come across as a needy male.
This is not attractive to the healthy females out there..
I say healthy as there are a lot of damaged / unhealthy people who will happily latch on to a fixer / insecure / needy male... The needy male will fall in love and ignore all the red flags.. The damaged female proceeds to suck him dry.. It doesn’t end well.
KTO.. you really need to sort your head out before bringing another human into your world.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Those are all great things but you need to learn to be alone, to love and respect yourself and then the rest will fall in to place.
That makes sense. Learn to be alone while doing all the things I already am. Thanks, LH.
MrBside:
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In your posts you come across as a needy male.
I would agree that right now that I am since BD. Before that, I really wasn't needy at all. This process has made me needier I guess because I was so emotional. I am not nearly as emotional as I was before. My rose-colored glasses aren't shattered but I do see a crack in the lens.
Neffer:
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We must learn to love ourselves. It comes with time and patience. Remember Cadet´s welcome post: use your time wisely.
It´s a marathon, we must head to one direction. Take the time to do the walk.
Thank you, neffer. I do need to learn to love myself again. Time and patience are hard for me but I do understand that it isn't going to happen fast. Excellent advice. Thank you.
I spoke to the W today regarding the logistics of the workweek. Quickly, she brought up that she started going to IC again. She asked me why I haven't asked if she has been going. I told her that I don't have any questions for her. She didn't know how to respond. So she then brought up that she grabbed a few masks and gloves for me and my D. I simply said thank you (they may come in handy). Then she asked if I wanted a haircut. I told her not right now. She said, your hair is getting long and I am trying to help you. I asked her what she was doing...why do you think you need to help me? She said, you are my husband and I want to support you. She said that she still cares for me whether I believe her or not. To get off the subject, I told her I would let her know about the haircut (I know not the best response).
Towards the end of the call, she said how she said she knows I want an email from her (the one she was going to write 5 weeks...eye roll). I told her that I don't want anything from her. I told her she can do whatever she wants with her life and I am now focusing on me and being a better person for myself and my D. She said she has stuff that is written down and then she asked, why are we doing this dance? I said that I am not dancing...that marriage is between 2 people and not 3 so I am removing myself from the situation. She asked if we could be more honest with each other and not try to outmaneuver each other (I think she is referring to me go little contact, not answering unimportant texts, and certainly not chasing her anymore). I said I have been honest. That she should remember who wasn't honest and why we are where we are. She replied you don't think I know that? You don't think I know I f"d up? I let that be...
At the end of the call, she maneuvered back to the Coronavirus and how stressed she is at work from it. I validated and said I can imagine that it is very stressful. She explained her stress and said I understand you are under stress too. That she texts my mother every day asking about my grandmother. I said I appreciate that you care to check in to see how she is. She said that she goes to work, home and sometimes the store and sees no one else (I think she was throwing this in there to try to tell me she isn't seeing him). I do believe she isn't at this time due to the virus but she doesn't deny talking to him....still in the A. She then asked about the haircut again and I said I will let her know. That was pretty much it...
I know she is still a WW but I have seen her chasing me more. She seemed genuine on the phone saying she still cares for me...but I am trying not to believe her because I know words are words. But behaviorally, going to IC again is a solid step. Many steps for her to still make, but she did make a step.
I know it is meaningless so I went for a looooong walk with the dog and told myself, be present and don't think of the outcome/future as it is out of my control.
And CW, I'm just using an app as an escape and talking to women.
It is a DATING site! Make all the excuses you want......but at the end of the day, those women are there b/c they are looking for someone to date. Why must you find an escape by talking to women???
Words of affirmation, validation, ego food, escapism, fantasizing .......call it what you will, but that is exactly how an EA started for me.
Now explain to me how you can kick your W out of the house for contacting OM, but it's okay for you to talk to women on a dating site. I laughed when you said there was nothing inappropriate. The fact that it is a dating site, period, seems inappropriate for a married man who claims he wants to save his M.
You are already talking about meeting to walk the dogs or go hiking, which means you want to explore beyond just talking. Listen, I get the whole confidence builder thing, but that's one of the hidden dangers and how easily it turns into an EA/PA. Your W is in contact with OM, b/c of how good it makes her feel.
Just seems a bit hypocritical.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, you are totally right. Thank you, I needed that. It's selfish and misguided at best. Focus on me. LH said, learn to be alone...I've thought about that a lot. Ultimately, that's the goal. Be content with yourself and that will take time to adjust to but will be worth it when I get there.
I know she is still a WW but I have seen her chasing me more. She seemed genuine on the phone saying she still cares for me...but I am trying not to believe her because I know words are words. But behaviorally, going to IC again is a solid step. Many steps for her to still make, but she did make a step.
Any feedback or insight? Thanks again, everyone.
K,
You’re a smart guy but here is where you get tripped up. She saying she still cares about you is the same as her saying I love you but I’m not in love with you. What you call chasing is temp checking and cake eating. All apart of the WW script.
Lastly you view IC as a step in the right direction. How will you feel when her IC validates her feelings that she’s not happy being married to you and advises her that to be happy that divorce is the best option? Will you consider that a step in the right direction?
Look I know your looking for hope and you should have hope but right now I’m afraid nothing has changed and will change for a really long time.
