I am going to need some exercise tomorrow because I can feel adrenaline just coursing through me.
I had the papers and Hs stuff all ready for him. When I gave him his belongings ready for him to take he said “I don’t really need to take them today”. These were literally the one thing he wrote on his assets form for the divorce that he wants to take from what was our home. WTF. I said “oh that’s fine I got them out for you take and I know you want them”. He responded that he can’t really use them at his place and asked if I ever use them. I said “yes sometimes”. He said “well I don’t have anywhere to store them”. I replied “I don’t really want to store them for you”. He said “ok, fine” and took them. I handed him the packet of papers as well. He seemed pi**ed off. W T F
I feel good that I got that over with. And thrown by the way it went over. Trying to focus on the first part.
I feel good that I got that over with. And thrown by the way it went over. Trying to focus on the first part.
He felt trapped, you set him a bit more free, and he didn't like it. Typical walkaway spouse, no? You just gave him the last things of his in your home and his biggest concern was *storage*. How frustrating.
I feel good that I got that over with. And thrown by the way it went over. Trying to focus on the first part.
He felt trapped, you set him a bit more free, and he didn't like it. Typical walkaway spouse, no? You just gave him the last things of his in your home and his biggest concern was *storage*. How frustrating.
It’s amazing how WAS follow the same playbook. Mine also asked me to renew our lease so he could continue “storing” his things here. Not only do they have a timeline as slow as a snail but their indecisiveness also is totally puzzling to me.
Hope, your response to him was perfect! When that day comes for me I hope I can say those words “I don’t want to store them for you” as easy as you did it.
I agree with CW and wooba, you handled that really well.
The super slow time line must be a common theme. It's happening in my sitch too.
I think of it this way... he wants you to be the villain. He wants to feel justified so he can minimize his guilt. He wants to be free of you (wants his stuff back), but doesn't actually, really, need his stuff back right now. To you, it makes no sense. To him, it makes all the sense in the world.
Or put another way... he has a certain image of who you are, his own version of the truth. And then you have your own self-image and your version of the truth. There is a verrrrrry small overlap area where those circles line up. Otherwise, they don't. And there is nothing you can do about it other then let him live in his own bubble-world where he imagines you are some different person. At times you will feel like he is trying to gaslight you. You will be aggravated by the cognitive dissonance required for him to believe you are this completely different person.
I think you will need to get used to managing the adrenaline rush you feel in these interactions, because you will probably have more of them.
I say all this because I am going through many of the same things. I don't post much about my situation anymore, but I feel like I am in bizarro land. My words are constantly twisted. I will ask for something, and it will be denied. I will not ask for something else, but my STBXW will get stirred up assuming I did ask for it.
I am not suggesting you need to take drastic action. But I think you need to drastically rethink your relationship with your H right now. You may see glimmers of the old H when your worlds overlap, but for the most part, he is off in his own reality and it does not align with yours. I think you need to focus on you 100%, accept that he's going to push your buttons, and continue to handle your interactions in a pleasant, business-like fashion (exactly how you did). When he's gone, you can vent, meditate, scream into a pillow, do yoga, go outside and run, whatever you need to do.
Yeah, honestly my adrenaline was really from the build up leading up to it. I was really nervous about giving him the stuff and the papers and wondering how it might go. The exchange itself wasn’t stressful for me. It was just very odd and, as you said, made no sense. And then the fact that he was annoyed after I gave him the things he’s been asking me for..it’s jus t baffling.
But afterward I felt relieved and stronger than before.
I feel good that I got that over with. And thrown by the way it went over. Trying to focus on the first part.
He felt trapped, you set him a bit more free, and he didn't like it. Typical walkaway spouse, no? You just gave him the last things of his in your home and his biggest concern was *storage*. How frustrating.
It’s amazing how WAS follow the same playbook. Mine also asked me to renew our lease so he could continue “storing” his things here. Not only do they have a timeline as slow as a snail but their indecisiveness also is totally puzzling to me.
Hope, your response to him was perfect! When that day comes for me I hope I can say those words “I don’t want to store them for you” as easy as you did it.
Ditto for my H....he thought I was providing a storage solution , all because he didn’t need all his stuff right now. I told him to look online if he needed storage facilities. You did the right thing and I hope you feel good for it! I’m sorry you’re in this sitch however, I just read most of this thread to try and catch up. . Sending hugs
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
I really don’t know, but I didn’t get the sense that the storage was his focus. That seemed like an after thought. If I were to venture a guess aka mind read, I’d say it was more to do with him trying to assuage his guilt in a very misguided way by leaving them here, letting me continue to use them, etc. Obviously I could be wrong. I think he was taken by surprise and just reacted oddly.
He also commented AGAIN on how thin I am which continues to be super weird.
H just continues increasingly to swing back and forth between being super friendly/chatty/warm and bending angry/mean. It feels like we are back to the time right after BD. The difference being that I am in such a different place in terms of my ability to manager emotions and handle triggers. Last night was just really rough. I did ok, but it wasn’t my best DBing. It is so hard to stomach H continuing to throw the same old stuff in my face and blame me for everything, and reach for reasons to say that nothing has changed and it’s still the same old stuff between us. I know I should be be in a space by now where that doesn’t affect me. But I’m not, and it does. Everyone here is right that it doesn’t matter what you do or say. They feel how they feel. He can see all the fort I’ve put in to change things, he’s heard my apologies and validations. And he chooses to hang on to his anger at me and his belief that our relationship is unsalvageable because of me. I believe whole heartedly that the only reason we can’t salvage it is because he refuses to try to forgive the past. And it hurts so so so much. Last night H reverted to all his old behaviors, stonewalling etc and making it impossible for us to have the conversation he tried to start with me. At the end I wasn’t at my best. He said “all I want to do is walk out of here right now” and I said “you already did that 2 years ago”. And he said “yeah and it was a dream come true”. I left the room and he left.
He texted me immediately afterward that it was horribly mean and he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it. I waited a few hours and responded that “I wish I’d had the opportunity to heal the pain inside him that makes him want to hurt me badly enough to say that”. It may not have been good DB, but it felt real and it felt strong. I haven’t hurt like this in months.
Maybe this goes against DB advice: I don't think sharing your feelings at the end was particularly wrong in any way. DB isn't always about clamming up and hiding your feelings.
He may never forgive the past. I don't know how to help, I'm struggling with the same feelings. It hurts and it's painful.
Thanks unchien. Lately I’m starting to feel like everyone else on this board sees my situation as such as lost cause that nobody even knows what to say on my thread. I can understand why.
I’m still coming here though, because I’m drowning I’m sorrow and pain right now, grieving I guess. As many have said, the isolation of quarantine doesn’t help. I take my daughter out for walks every day, and that helps a little. There’s something lately about seeing the pain in H’s eyes while he says terrible things to me, it’s pushing me over the edge a bit. It would be easier if he were just mean or just cold and apathetic. It’s all the other stuff mixed it in that makes it so hard I think.
. Sending hugs