MLC newbie

[CanBird]

Hi B. Detaching can be difficult. I still struggle. I'm sure you've read Sandi's Rules...(Think it's called that). Review those; write your own version. Review it often. A few things that helped me was to think of mlc as a sickness/addiction. This person I care for made these choices to take this journey. They need to figure it out. It has nothing to do with me. Step back & let the journey happen.

When you start truly letting go, you'll feel it. It's letting go of a situation that you did not create. When you do this, your mind becomes free. The wheels stop turning so fast. You begin to focus more on YOU.

YOU come first. Your kids need you too of course. Every morning start the day with a word or mantra that sets the tone for a positive life. You might have set backs. STOP and refocus. I am strong, I matter, I will get through this, I'm not alone, I will be okay. Whatever gets you to reset your focus.

You CAN do this

[Believe6]

Journal
OMG. I totally screwed up. I feel like I want to throw up. So I decided earlier that I wouldn't say anything to H about my suspicions about the ow. But I got to talking to a girlfriend who was checking in and I told her my suspicions and that the ow bday was yesterday. I told my friend that I was thinking my H found a way to meet her last night and that he probably got her a present. My friend asked me if I checked Amazon. I told her I hadn't. But then I decided to check. Of course, nothing in the orders, but I checked the browsing history and saw that he had looked at a present that I know he got her before.

I just couldn't not confront him so I went to see him in his office. I told him what I saw in the browsing history and that when we were attending MC, we had agreed to be brutally honest. He said he didn't remember looking for that but ok. I said it was in there. He said he believed me.

I asked him if he was thinking about her and why he was looking at the gift. He admitted that he had been thinking about her. I asked, "what were you thinking?" I know I shouldn't have. He said he wasn't going to discuss that with me. When this first came out 5 months ago, he told me so much. I guess now, it's all off limits?

Anyway, he said the gift I saw was one that I had made the ow return. She was our friend and I asked for it to be returned. He said he always thought it was hers and she should have it. But he claims he didn't buy it. So I asked again for brutal honesty and told him my suspicions about him meeting up with her. He told me that he hadn't. That he hasn't been in contact or seen her at all. I know, it's probably a lie, but he was looking directly into my eyes.

He then asked me a question, I was praying he wouldn't ask. He asked if I've ever listened in on his conversations and I admitted I had. He said he knew it. I told him I'm not able to anymore and the one time I did, was only for a few minutes. I then explained that the reason I listened in was that he wasn't telling me anything. He'd stopped communicating with me and I knew he was hiding things. This was after he seemed to be trying then did a complete 180 and stopped everything back in mid-feb.

I told him I wasn't sorry I listened because it helped me to see what he was truly feeling. That he was planning to wait until I got a job to make any decisions. He said he hadn't made any decisions at that point. He got even more and more upset as we kept talking about this and then he said, he's done with our marriage.

I then got totally desperate. I begged him to give it more time. I asked him to wait to make any decisions. We've had going on 25 years together and most of it was good.

When I asked why he changed his mind back in mid-Feb, he said because he thought about it and his life was just not anything he thought it would be. I said, what about this life? The kids, the house, our friends, the life we made? He said, no not everything... but his job and his relationship. I asked him if he remembered that we had a good marriage up until a year ago. He agreed that for the most part, yes, he was happy with our marriage.

But now he doesn't have privacy. He feels trapped. When I asked about the whole "fake" thing he thinks of me, he says when you've been with someone as long as we have and you've never heard a certain tone of voice, it appears fake. I said, well you told me that you aren't judging me on my past when I was talking and now you admit that you were. Do you see why I told you that you were judging me on my past actions?

We both need to change, I told him. We are both changing and this is something we need to be open to. Can you at least please wait to see where our changes lead? He very reluctantly agreed. I admit to crying and begging. I know that I reversed so much today.

I told him we need to learn how to be more honest with each other. That if he has resentments, bitterness, or hard feelings about past things I've done, I want to hear them. Maybe that's another mistake. Probably is, but the rate he's been going, he won't share any of that anyway. I told him we at least need to be able to talk. He said, why? you have your friends who you talk to all the time and I'm sure it's about me and us. I told him when I talk to my friends it's mostly about what I am trying to work on for myself and how I'm trying to deal with things.

He's always been concerned with how people view him. On one hand, he says he doesn't really care what people think. But on the other, he cares that he still looks like the great husband, friend, father. I think all this messes that up since I did (he did with a couple too), tell a good number of our friends about the affair. But as I stated in another post, I have really cut off from talking to most of them. I only have friends who aren't associated with him or 3 other really good friends which are mostly my friends who I share this with.

I am not going to stop talking to my friends just because he is angry about that. But that could be another reason he won't want to stay and work on us.

Honestly, I wish I never listened in. I wish I never gave away I listened as I must have done in some of my other conversations with H, not sure how he figured it out, but he says he suspected. I guess brutal honesty does work both ways. I couldn't lie. When he looked at me, I just had to admit it. Maybe that will bite in the @$$ later on, but so be it.

I keep feeling that my marriage is supposed to work out, but I don't know. I am terrified. Filled with anxiety, fear and panic. I know I should have been prepared for him to tell me he's done. But I just wasn't and I still am not. I guess I have a lot more work to do on this aspect of MLC - detachment, letting go...

Apparently, even if he's not lying about seeing the ow, he is still in limerence with her. How can I compete with that? Even if he claims he wasn't in love with her, he wants that allure. He wants that simplicity. I just don't know where to go from here.

I eventually did tell him how sorry I am for everything. For betraying him by sharing our story with family and friends (not all but enough) on both sides. For all the hurt i've caused him including by invading his privacy.

I am looking for other ways to understand MLC, my part in this, and how to heal. I am still going through the phases of grief...
I'm all over the place, I know. It's the panic and anxiety. I once again wish I could sleep and never wake up. But I know that's not really me. I want to survive this. I want to thrive despite this. I want to heal whatever issues from my childhood and other traumatic events brought me to this place, including his affair and MLC. But it just [censored]. Why can't my life go back to the way it was before all this? It wasn't perfect but it was really great. At least to me...

Yes, we had challenges. Yes, things were hard in some areas, but the core, I felt that was ok. Now I am terrified I'm going to have to figure out what my life would really be like without him. I can't even think...

[Believe6]

Hi B. Detaching can be difficult. I still struggle. I'm sure you've read Sandi's Rules...(Think it's called that). Review those; write your own version. Review it often. A few things that helped me was to think of mlc as a sickness/addiction. This person I care for made these choices to take this journey. They need to figure it out. It has nothing to do with me. Step back & let the journey happen.

When you start truly letting go, you'll feel it. It's letting go of a situation that you did not create. When you do this, your mind becomes free. The wheels stop turning so fast. You begin to focus more on YOU.

YOU come first. Your kids need you too of course. Every morning start the day with a word or mantra that sets the tone for a positive life. You might have set backs. STOP and refocus. I am strong, I matter, I will get through this, I'm not alone, I will be okay. Whatever gets you to reset your focus.

You CAN do this

Thank you, Canbird! I thought I had it figured out today. Then went totally against it. But I have to believe God sent me these thoughts and these messages so I have to trust that whatever is happening now, whatever I caused, must be faced.

I can get through this, even though it feels like I won't. Oh gosh, it feels like I won't. It hurts so much. But you are right. He is hurting so much too. He has to figure it out on his own. I hope all is well with you.

[Believe6]

Journal...
And so it gets worse. After our talk, my SIL texted me to check in. She hasn't done that in weeks. I thought my H had told her about me listening in. So I called her and explained what I did. It's the guilt thing. I have to confess and ask for how I can make amends. She was upset but says she understood because of the lack of trust. It still hurt her.

But because I told my H total honesty, I told him. He was upset I told her as he wouldn't have said anything to her. I told him I thought because he had been sharing things with her that he would tell her. Apparently he is still avoidant in his communication style. So I guess I did a bunch of wrong things today.

Tomorrow is a new day. I owned up to it. I told him I'm sorry. He called his sis and didn't share anything of what came of that. I told him at dinner before the kids joined that I am sorry. He said it's fine. I told him I know it's not, but I am really sorry.

He didn't comment. But now he's been avoiding me. He's playing video games. He's been doing that for a long time now. Maybe a year and a half of many nights just being in his office playing games and doing his own thing. It used to only be a couple nights a week, now it's been every night. I guess I shouldn't expect anything different.

We are where we are. Right now I'm not sure if sheltering in place is a good thing or not. Sometimes I think not. Others, I'm wondering if it would have hastened him to ask for D or at least a separation.

I don't know how I feel about that. Everything right now outright terrifies me.

I did a few things for myself today. Went out and took pics and am learning the ukelele. That made me feel like I am trying to be more than I was. I just need to work on my emotional stability and my perceptions. Oh that's all?

That's really everything. My mental and emotional state is driving so many things. Please pray for me or talk to the universe. I need help changing me because I can't change anyone else. Blessings!

[CanBird]

Read This Link

Hi B. We all make mistakes. Move on. You said sorry, move on. It's in the past. Forget about it. The more you talk about it the more H will retreat. Let him play video games. Let him do his thing. He's another teen in the house. Remember, he's on his own journey. I get the freaking out, being scared. We've all been there. However, being in a pandemic lockdown is certainly new territory. Regardless, good to hear you're doing things for you. Give H space.

Next time you feel like talking to H, try a test run here. MLC is a different creature. You're not alone in this. We have really all been there. H is under the same roof as you. Remember that.

Tomorrow is another day.

[job]

So, you've had a serious conversation w/your h about everything. You've apologized...now what to do? Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward and stay the course. Any changes that you have made and continue to make are to be permanent and for you, not to try to keep him.

Right now, emotions are running high for all and, of course, he feels like a caged animal w/no where to run and hide. Now, he knows that you were snooping and will do everything in his power to keep things from you.

In the future, keep your conversations on point and short. Their attention span is that of a gnat. They will hone in on certain words and that is all they will "hear". Do not continue to apologize for what you've already apologized for. Just move along and continue to be the best person that you can be under the circumstances of living under one roof in trying times.

Stay the course, dig deeper for patience and no more conversations about the ow or the relationship. The more you question him about his actions/behaviors centering around her, the more likely you will be pushing him towards her. You don't want that.

Please be careful when asking about other sites or people in the same field as Michele. One of the rules is that we do not reference other sites, people in the same field, links, etc. Many people who come here don't bother to read the policies of the Board, so we have to remind people why certain items are edited and/or deleted from their postings...and there is no need to apologize...we have all done this too.

[peacetoday]

Hi

I would agree with the others
as hard as it is let it go
when someone is not totally in the relationship, we can protect ourselves
sometimes total truth may not help but I understand the need to share and open up


The more you try to get him to understand anything, the more he may get turned off

DB is more about the opposite
detaching
creating a new you
upbeat, fun, playful
focus on the kids
its more about pretend..and not ask too much of the uncommitted partner at the moment

hard ..yes very

If he has expressed a true desire to work things out and stay in the M, then MC may be helpful to work past the infidelity
If he is still on the fence and has not expressed a true desire with word and action to stay M, nothing we do will help
and many things will hurt

Hang in there...we all make mistakes on this road and yes it is so painful

so what to do with the pain
exactly what you did
share it with us, with a trusted therapist
someone who gets DB(my therapist had knowledge of Michelles work so that was helpful)
and feel the pain just sit with it and it will pass
it is grief...comes and goes..things are changing
New is scary

[Believe6]

Thanks, CanBird. I will try to do better today. I will check the link you sent about detaching. And I will do a test run here if I feel the urge to talk to H about anything. Thank you for this!

Job, I am so sorry for referencing other people's sites. I won't do so again in the future. I appreciate the reminder to not apologize again. To keep conversations short. That he feels like a caged animal. I am trying to remember that he is in a lot of pain and he needs someone to blame that's not himself. After all, he has to live with himself. Thanks for the pep talk.

PeaceToday, Thank you! Yes, I recognize the grief. It doesn't help that today is the 1 yr anniversary of his dad's death. And he still resents me for the fact that he felt he couldn't share things with me. I also know it's not that he couldn't, it's that he didn't even try. But he was already heading down the tunnel and into replay so I know there is nothing I can do. I am going to let myself continue to grieve.

All,
I wonder, do we continue to go through grief when they finally move out? Then the same process if there is a legal separation or divorce? Do we keep having to cycle through grief? When do we get to feel peace? I know. Our own emotions are a choice based on our thoughts, right?

I hope you are all coping with the stress of being locked in and all that we deal with regarding MLC. Sending blessings and peaceful thoughts.

On top of it, I get to deal with a sick teenager. It's hard. You see them as little kids again when they are sick. But I also see it as a blessing. I am still a mom. A mom who loves and is there for her kids.

Blessings

[Kindly]

B6 - I wish I could offer you more but there are so many on here with excellent experience and advice beyond what I can say as I too am still finding my way.
I can say however, that you are VERY new to this. If you look back in my thread (and most others) you can read about the mistakes I made, the confusion shows with our new found situations, which brings on desperate behaviour to “bring H back to his sense”.... all I can say is that you seem very strong and on the path to self awareness which I believe is a huge asset in this new reality.
I can also say that detaching does get easier. I was told this often early on and didn’t see it, but know I’m living it. He comes and goes, ignores me or talks to me and I pretend he’s fully a roommate, some guy living in my house. There will always be things that tweak a nerve or outright peeve you off but something in me has flipped and I have taken back my composure, my self esteem, my sense of humour, my interests, my family, my friends therefore MY LIFE. I can’t say I’m good 100% of the time but I try my best not to judge myself anymore either. There is no handbook for this ...we get to write our rules right now for ourselves (with awesome advice and guidance from those that have walked this before us)...keep practising detachment and my favourite - COMPASSIONATE INDIFFERENCE. You got this. (((B6)))

[job]

Believe,

You will go through the grieving process until it is over. There is no timeline for grieving, i.e., just as there is no true timelines for your spouse's MLC to be over. It will end when it ends. You will have ups and downs throughout it all, i.e., just as the MLCer has ups and downs. However, the LBS will work through their issues and go right through the ring of fire, whereas, the MLCer will skirt around edge and find ways to avoid doing the actual heavy work until much later in their crisis.

For now, take care of yourself and your children. They need you, the adult, now more then ever. Take it one day at at a time and do not plan too far in advance as things will change very quickly from day to day for all.