I fret about money but for now I am okay. I've cut everything that isn't life sustaining. With kids out of school, social distancing and H having D14 full time my bills are lower now.
There is low income senior housing close to work without huge wait times. I've looked into renting a room for when the kids move out but before senior housing. Lots of options.
My anxiety is up and down. Sometimes I think my situation is hopeless and I wish I could die then sometimes I think in the long run I will be happier without H.
don't plan more than a week out. these days, i'd keep it firmly in 15 minute increments.
You're right of course. I've always wanted to be one of those happy in the moment people but that kind of change generally requires pain. Until I my world collapsed it was easier to stay in my comfort zone.
It helps to remember the bad things about my M to cope with being left after 30 years.
We bought our first house in 1993 but when McMansions became a thing H wanted one. We couldn't afford it so when the market crashed we had to sell it (at a loss). Later bought another house that we couldn't afford. Sold that one after 6 years and H walked out 6 months later.
The love of money, big houses, new cars wasn't me. As lean as I'm living now it's still better than juggling bills to pay for a lifestyle we couldn't afford.
I just had a happy epiphany. Chasing H who doesn’t love me, hasn’t loved me for a long while caused me so much pain. Years of pain. I would never have broken up our family though and thankfully I’ll never have to face the guilt of putting my needs above our kids....that’s his cross to bear. Today I smiled thinking I don’t have to degrade myself anymore.
Hey, struggling to pay for things you don’t need or can’t afford is a lot like struggling to keep someone that can’t or won’t commit. It’s soul sucking and life destroying. Your gonna find so much happiness that’s impossible to find when your entwined to someone dysfunctional
I've recently immersed myself in all things positive. I'm reading books, watching ted talks, and I've been pinning thousands of inspirational quotes on pinterest. When "let go or be dragged" popped up I thought of you.
We're in the middle of a horrific pandemic and I'm a middle aged, gave up my career to raise kids woman who got traded in for a younger model. Fun times and yet my thoughts are more positive than BEFORE the BD. Can't get it to stick no but I have faith that eventually it will become my new normal.
Hey, struggling to pay for things you don’t need or can’t afford is a lot like struggling to keep someone that can’t or won’t commit. It’s soul sucking and life destroying. Your gonna find so much happiness that’s impossible to find when your entwined to someone dysfunctional
Unless it pertains to the D I rarely look at my finances whereas before OMG I spent so much time trying to juggle money to pay for a life we couldn't afford. I "hustled for my worth" by any means necessary. I did things that I'd never do now. Money, sex, etc. He'd be happy when he got a new toy or sex but it faded until he got another "hit". I'd eventually get angry, he'd covertly blame me and the cycle started all over again.
I no longer like to reference how long since BD because it upsets me lets just say it's taken me quite a while to get to where I am now and I'm still struggling. Sometimes my thoughts are that he's a better man for her which causes pain and then I have to ground myself in truth. He's 54 years old and he's been this way since I met him 30 years ago. He did get it in my head that had I been a better wife he would have been more intimate, more present but that's not true is it?
He'd give me the shirt off his back but don't ask him to play a board game. He'd buy me flowers on major holidays, go out on dates, the perfect husband but once home he'd zone out in front of the tv or nap. He was there physically but emotionally he was somewhere else. If I complained he'd point all things he did do, I agreed so I tried to make my needs smaller. He really is a great guy....ugh.
I'm focused on me and moving forward. Facing reality helps this process. I had him on a pedestal and I'm trying to take him off of it. He's a man who cares more about his reputation, outward success, shiny new things, sex and money than relationships. Well that't not entirely true. He enjoys the perks of a relationship but in this area of his life he takes more than he gives.
