Sandi, quick question. I was reading over your WW threads and saw that you tried to get your LBH to go to MC with you, in which he declined. Are you saying that I should be doing that? My W agreed to go to MC for 3 straight weeks at the beginning of this, however, the board kept telling me to stop since she was in contact with the AP.
IMHO, MC will not be successful as long as she is contacting OM. You seem to want to distinguish her "seeing" OM from her "contacting" him. Here's the problem. Affairs of any type are addictive, so whenever OM contacts her she gets a significant buzz from it. She wants more & more contact, and if she can't be with him physically, she'll take whatever contact she can get. If they stopped seeing each other physically, she would still be just as addicted through hearing his voice over the phone, reading emails, camera shots, etc. It's crazy! If you're trying to sooth some of your pain by saying they are forced apart due to the virus situation and she's not actually seeing him.......you are fooling yourself. Nothing has changed in her feelings for him, and the affair continues on.
At various times, we have actually had a couple other WW's on the board, to admit they went to MC. However, they were still contacting their OM at the time, so the MC was unsuccessful. It's the wayward mindset, the addiction to the affair, and her not seriously caring to save her M...... that causes the barrier in MC. It's not enough just for her agree to MC after she's gone NC, she has to actually cooperate in attending, and to participate. Yes, MC can be one of your terms in reconciling, but don't plan attending before she's gets through the major withdrawals. Don't wait on her to say when to go or to find the MC, b/c you will be driving that vehicle, and when time comes, I'll tell you more about it.
To answer your question about my sitch, yes I asked my H to attend MC with me, and he did refuse without batting an eye. Here's the thing, I was the WW, but I had found the DB board and was receiving very wise mentoring. Back then, the board members could email each other, so I was getting more advice than it may appear at surface level. I was the one receiving the tools, not my H. He is extremely private, so I wasn't surprised. As the betrayed H, he had the right to refuse. He had made the comment that he had done nothing wrong, so that pretty much speaks for itself. Like I've told you, the wayward spouse is in no position to make demands of the betrayed spouse. It's up to the LBS to call the shots.
BTW, I want to add something else about MC. I am astonished at the lack of knowledge some of them have about the mindset of WW's. That's one reason I am always cautioning the LBH about his selection, b/c a bad MC can be worse than never seeing one, IMHO. There are some bad ones out there, as well as IC's.
Quote
She texted multiple times this morning which I ignored. Then this afternoon she texted asking our D was. I waited 45 min and texted "she's good" and there was no other correspondence. Honestly, knowing my W, she will now ignore me because that is what I have been doing. She is always trying to manipulate me/situations.
Yep, and IMHO, the whole thing about asking how their child is, when in the care of the other parent........is usually not as sincere as a normal person would assume. I mean, she has ulterior motives. Unless the child has been ill, why all of a sudden does she become such a devoted, concerned mother? Does she not trust you to take proper care of D2? She should have thought about that when she chose to engage in an affair. No, I'm not suggesting you punish her by withholding contact with her child, I'm just pointing out a tragic, but common truth in WW's. They love their kids, but they're not top priority when WW is in an affair, and the WW will use kids as pawns, if need be.
I'll talk to you tomorrow. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's not enough just for her agree to MC after she's gone NC, she has to actually cooperate in attending, and to participate.
Honestly, we went to MC 3 times after the BD and it went like this: 1st time-i was emotional, sad, begging, etc. She said sorry and that was about it.
2nd-time I was incredibly angry and attacked her. She shut down and said, "what's the point of coming?" The therapist intervened and said I am allowed these feelings and it was good to get them out. During this session I sai I will not accept her still seeing the OM. The therapist asked her to come back to the following session with a decision.
3rd time-I was quiet but civil. She spoke much more, owning her behaviors and saying they were wrong. However, she also said "she didn't want pressure from either guy right now so she could figure herself out. That she could lose either guy by next week so it was important to focus on herself." the therapist asked her if she was still seeing the other guy, which she said, "I am still talking to him." I immediately turned to the therapist and asked why I would start to come. He decided to book a 4th appointment but asked us to skip a week so I could think about if I should come back. Listening to this board, I decided to end MC (and started seeing the same therapist as my IC).
By the end of the 3rd session, I do feel like there was progress. My W will be more open and honest in MC than she will be with me. Mainly, that is due to her becoming so angry and defensive anytime she feels cornered (which is probably all the time with the guilt she has). That is why oi thought it might be good to go back. But I guess I am grasping for straws.
Struggling today. The day just started and I am feeling adult deprived! I have been social distancing with my 3 year D for 5 straight days. My W was here the first 2 days and it felt good. Then I kicked her out after saying she was in contact with the OM.
It is so hard to be the only adult in my house. Having my D so much makes it impossible to see other people...even outside. My D has an autoimmune deficiency so we have to keep her from everyone. I am used to having my best friend (W) here to talk to. I realize she isn't my best friend anymore, but she is still friendly as long as we don't talk about the A.
It makes me want to reach out to my W and ask her to hang here as a family for a few hours. I know you would advise against it, and so far I haven't even spoken to her since I kicked her out. But if this goes on for weeks or months I don't know if I can make it.
Would it be detrimental to allow her to hangout her during the day, go home at night? She has her parents (who she lives with) to speak to. I have no one.
I would say now what be a great time for you to learn to be alone and love yourself. Think about what kind of future you want for you and your daughter.
I would say now what be a great time for you to learn to be alone and love yourself. Think about what kind of future you want for you and your daughter.
This!
DO NOT call her! Enjoy time with your daughter! Go outside, play and hav efun during the day. Work some at night if you can and "socialize" with your daughter. Call a relative/friend instead of W?? Just to talk a bit. Also, (at least where I live) there are some phone numbers you can call just to talk. Most have a fee but some don't. Use a similar service if you get high anxiety and just really need to talk to someone.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I would say now what be a great time for you to learn to be alone and love yourself. Think about what kind of future you want for you and your daughter.
Normally, I would agree. However, I can't take my D anywhere. No playground. No fun things to take her to. No stores...nothing. Just us...in the house trying to keep a 3 year old busy. I am starting to go crazy.
I hear what you are saying LH19. But I might cave in due to the Corona scare and social distancing. This will be going through the next week 3 weeks at the least.
I tell my W she may come over. She may hang here but leave every day/night. And I want to say, stop contacting the OM while here (or even better, through this social distancing process). I know you will disagree but I can't do this alone every day. Not going anywhere and being with a 3-year-old the entire time is taking its toll. I can't GAL, I can't do anything.
What is the worst that will happen? I delay the process of LRT for a couple of weeks? I am assuming the LRT has never had these issues with social distancing being part of the equation. My W has shown she wants back in; isn't there value in using time where she can't see the OM and spending time as a family? If I can remain civil and confident, don't I want to show her those things?
My friend said the other day that things happen for a reason. So after BD, being forced to stay within your social bubble and spending time together may be beneficial, no? Not to mention, if I was feeling the opposite and wanted to file for D, I couldn't even do it. They have closed all courts! I am stuck in purgatory so instead of just sitting here stalling, feeling even more depressed because I can't GAL or keep me busy by living and seeing friends, why wouldn't I try to be with my W to see what happens?
I appreciate what LH19 is saying. But I will never have to be alone with my daughter for weeks on end in any situation other than this So to say learn to be alone isn't exactly reality.
I will not ask my W any of this until I hear from you guys. I am speaking with my IC today so I will see what he has to say and compare it to what you guys think.
Kto, I have a daughter almost the same age. Between all the fun and joy, the caretaking can wear you down. After BD, I had quite a few days alone with both my kids and it was an amazing experience. The pain of BD was horrendous however I'll never forget that time alone with the kids.
Another perspective here....you are not allowing the W you know in to your house. It's almost someone else. A case of the body snatchers. Now, I bring this up for your D3. Think about how your W is treating you and what D3 will think is normal in a marriage, how to treat you or how to treat men. If your W can be normal and respectful then maybe it'll be ok. If you both will put up a bad example, it may not be worth it. Personally I wish my W left the house during my sitch. My D4 is picking up alot of distancing, avoidant and dont talk to dad behaviors and I hate my W for this. My relationship with D4 suffers because of my wifes selfishness.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core, my W was able to be polite, kind, and family oriented when she was here the other day. It want until I told her she needs to go NC with the OM that she blew up. I just wondering if I should put that aside to get through this isolation period.
Mumin and LH19, I normally would agree but no adult interaction is killing me. Keeping my D3 busy is hard. I've been the primary caregiver since she was born but I would have opportunities to live by spending time with friends. That has all stopped. It's just becoming overwhelming supporting my D while I'm struggling and have no outlets.
