KC, you know what that tells me (he being listed are l as her spouse)? That's this has been going on a lot longer than we thought. Someone doesn't get listed on the obit as a spouse after a few weeks off dating. This has been going on for months, minimum.
I'd forget recon at this point and move your own life forward. Call your lawyer, tell him you want to move to divorce, not separation. You have been being played go l for a long time. His complaints are null and void. Cheating on your spouse is way way way way way way worse than being a less than perfect spouse. I'm frustrated that you don't see that.
I do know for 100% that this has not been going on for more than 8 weeks.
Its WHO my husband is.... he is in love with initial infatuation and attention and all those chemicals limerance brings.
He falls so hard... he proposes in a short time... he will have convinced himself.
He was at a vulnerable place... and she was there.
How do others on this board get past PA? It happens. They find a way to get back and make it work.
Steve85 - then moving on from a PA is not an option for me?
I'm so angry that I vented here and not at my H... yelling at my H over this is just going to prove his point.
Moving on from a PA that has ended is possible. Moving on from a PA that the WAS refuses to end is impossible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's been 8 weeks at most... wasn't May's H involved for 2yr???
Of course he is not at a point of ending it... he is still dealing with trying to get some space and control of his situation... OW is his emotional support dog.
I surprised him by being strong enough to file.
I will surprise him by not allowing him to come and go as he pleases... he is kicked out the door.
I deserve better. I cannot compete with OW and I won't even try. I know my value and worth and what I brought to the relationship. He was so lucky to have landed me... I'm not perfect but I have always loved and he ored my H.
Good luck getting me to unlock those funds.... you are not BUYING her a house.
I'd recommend not contacting him. He's no longer your friend or confidant to help you work through your emotions. Calling him out isn't going to help you detach and move on or detach and reconcile.
Yes he is no longer my friend or someone to help me deal with my emotions. You are right.
Its hard when you talk to one person and vice versa. Its still hard not to open up to them and look at them for a way through this.
I need to print this out.
He doesn't get to have access to my emotions any more. Those I have to keep private. This is an excellent point.
KC, quit trying to "nice" him back. It never ever never ever never ever works. You locked down the finances, that was a very wise and prudent thing to do given your deteriorating marital situation. He is pouting and throwing a fit and making all kinds of accusations like an 8 year old that wants a toy at the store. Let me ask you, would you give that kid the toy? Is that the answer? Does it make everything better? Temporarily maybe, but that kid will lose ALL RESPECT for you and continue to control and manipulate you in ever more aggressive ways.
DO NOT PAY OFF YOUR CARS RIGHT NOW. DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY TO BUY A HOUSE. I don't care if he thinks it's "his" money that he was going to use to buy some fancy toy, it's marital assets, period. You've taken moves to protect yourself, and that is GOOD because you need protection from this a-hole.
You want to recon? Then you've GOT to earn his respect. Quit being the whiny, desperate, pathetic pushover content to lap up crumbs. Respect yourself enough to quit giving in to his manipulation tactics. Everything needs to be filtered through your attorney now, period. Stop being the victim and start being the strong woman you are inside.
KC, quit trying to "nice" him back. It never ever never ever never ever works. You locked down the finances, that was a very wise and prudent thing to do given your deteriorating marital situation. He is pouting and throwing a fit and making all kinds of accusations like an 8 year old that wants a toy at the store. Let me ask you, would you give that kid the toy? Is that the answer? Does it make everything better? Temporarily maybe, but that kid will lose ALL RESPECT for you and continue to control and manipulate you in ever more aggressive ways.
DO NOT PAY OFF YOUR CARS RIGHT NOW. DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY TO BUY A HOUSE. I don't care if he thinks it's "his" money that he was going to use to buy some fancy toy, it's marital assets, period. You've taken moves to protect yourself, and that is GOOD because you need protection from this a-hole.
You want to recon? Then you've GOT to earn his respect. Quit being the whiny, desperate, pathetic pushover content to lap up crumbs. Respect yourself enough to quit giving in to his manipulation tactics. Everything needs to be filtered through your attorney now, period. Stop being the victim and start being the strong woman you are inside.
He was informed last night that locks and codes were changed.
That was met with a bevy of texts that he was coming by in the AM. I repeated again that he is not to be here. He needs to respect my need for space that he could give me a list of essentials and a time for where/when for him to collect.
He kept insisting he was going to be here at 9amish. He already needed to be in town.
I said again he is not respecting me and he needs to not be here. He has been gong 6 days already so he has enough to manage right now.
I got that he needed x, y, z. And, I was preventing him from access to his medical stuff. I reminded him he hasn't needed it for 6 weeks. He insisted he needed his toothbrush... Again, I reminded him that he hasn't missed it in the last 6 weeks and he started to complain about how the toothbrush he has is all matted, blah blah blah.
I stated I was not keeping him from anything but telling me he was showing up at X time was not finding a time that worked for both of us.
H states he hasn't slept well for 2 weeks as the oral appliance we sprang out of pocket for at 3K ins't working as well as the Cpap, but keep in mind he has never packed his Cpap in the last 6 weeks.
I'm NOT supposed to validate right now??? I get confused.
I am kicking his behind out the door.
I am telling him I am worth more. I am done.
I'm not proud of where the convo went --- the OW. You can stay there and I can do an address change so we can separate out insurance (insurance won't separate while he still lives at same address.) He tired to lie and say he doesn't stay there all the time. Its a one bedroom apartment and its very small. WAH! WAH! You are all up in her business you make a little cute love nest (of course I didn't say that last part... that's me venting.)
We talked briefly about work. He didn't realize that I am still working as I'm considered part of the essential business allowed to work on lockdown - I'm in public health in a way...
I'm trying to breath and give myself time to respond. Its not always perfect in the heat of the moment.
I said to him that you said you kept trying and kept trying, but YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP ON ME. I am your wife.
H said you are probably right. H said he just got burnt out.
I said this was supposed to be amicable but you have treated me like doormat. H apologized (please keep in mind how very little this man ever apologizes - he would do more with actions than words in our marriage.) H said he didn't mean to and this is just wasn't supposed to be like this.
I let it go... but really what WAS it supposed to be like???
I ENDED the call. It was me again calling the shots on our communication.
I packed a few things quickly as I needed to get to work ASAP so didn't really have time to address everything he wanted but seriously he has been gone 6 days he has enough to survive.
He texted me to let him know when he could pick up his stuff... no response... he can drive by and see the trash bags on the porch.
I'm taking back my control.
I'm bracing that this will get ugly.
But, he is treating me with no respect and seriously... I have doctorate... I'm valuable to my community and loved by my clients... he used to revere me. I'm done.
Now you are coming from a place of power and he is already responding in kind. Be prepared because he will change his tune to try and get what he wants from you. He is realizing that you aren't putting up with his threats anymore so he will have to try a different tactic to get you to comply. Don't fall for it.
KC! So proud of you! When you first came back here I saw a beaten down, sad, poor self-esteem woman. Now I see a fierce, strong, woman that knows her own worth!! Almost brings a tear of joy to my eye. And I am a man that cries even less often then your H apologizes.
Keep it up. You are right, things will get worse before they get better. But with your new outlook I think you will be fine, and will get through!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
