I like the new attitude! I prefer you be a little petty and rude, rather than being on the hook with every word and deed from him. We generally try to tell LBSs to avoid pettiness and rudeness, but if you can't remain neutral I'd rather you fall on that side rather than be overly accommodating.
So A+ grade from me over the weekend! I think you can evolve from being petty and rude to more neutral as you get better at this.
Also, WASs always accuse their WAS of being petty and rude once we start getting good at detachment. It is a new normal that they struggle with. Remember, he wants you hanging on for dear life so that he has plan B. Waywards especially want their cake and eat it too. Sandi is clear that tough love is necessary for waywards. Sometimes that requires a bit of rudeness. Maybe bluntness is another word for it.
Those words give me strength. Trust me I felt terribly guilty all weekend.
Why???
Because I'm a decent person. I don't want to show ill will to anyone. Because of the field I am in its important for me to be accommodating to the needs of others and listen to their concerns as what I work with cannot speak for itself. There are a number of clients that I go above and beyond to advocate for the suffering of those that cannot speak for themselves. Calling after hours. Going in on my only day off. I have so many clients that love me and I love the fact that I have been associated with this business over 30yr.
I am taking soooo much pride that in the last 2 weeks I have NOT initiated any contact. I'm not always happy that I respond to his contact --- I have ignored some. When he gets me on the phone I am ALWAYS the one to end the call. And, 50% of what he contacts me about is 100% unnecessary.
The weight loss is helping my self esteem AND though he won't say a word about it ---- H has to notice right?? How could he not when clothes are hanging on me... and my cute sexy scrubs are hugging all the right places and not appearing to be stretched too tight??? :-)
Its been radio silence for some time now. H hasn't been to the house in 5 days now - the longest he has been gone. I have no idea where he is and I'm not the least bit interested in asking.
I'm realzing HOW much he isn't checking in on me OR this puppy he seems to think he is leaving the house with at some point.
No ISSUES... I got it.. I'm not waiting on you to fix the fence, the drywall, etc. Don't need to bother you for anything.
Good job this weekend--you're finding your strength! I agree with Steve that the petty exchange was much better than the previous doormat exchanges and it takes time to find your stride. IMHO, it might even have been a cute exchange except: (1) you already knew where "me" license was and (2) that final venting message, the one where unlike the previous messages you didn't use Scottish Brogue and wait 20-40min before saying something you may regret. Keep working on it and telling your story.
PS - Have you considered baking mini-pies, mini-tarts, mini-cupcakes, etc. instead of full-blown ones? You're worth the effort if you enjoy them, and that avoids feeling bad about waste or overindulging.
PS - Have you considered baking mini-pies, mini-tarts, mini-cupcakes, etc. instead of full-blown ones? You're worth the effort if you enjoy them, and that avoids feeling bad about waste or overindulging.
Thanks... I've NO desire to eat any of that... but I love making it.
I embraced being a family of 5. Having those to cook for and make things. I went out of my comfort zone and made stuff that the kids would like or my H would like. There were some things in my repertoire that he raved out to others and said it was better than his mom's OR better than the restaurant. I took pride in that for sure!!!
I will adjust. Besides its impossible to get butter around here right now... sheesh... so I shouldn't be wasting limited supplies on baking for no one.
I really need to get back to exercising today!!!! Keep my focus going forward. Hopefully I can get the puppy exercised today too.
I need some advice on how to handle a situation with H - I am not asking for legal advice. I'm trying to balance the protecting myself and not being seen as a total B*tCH which would prevent recon.
Now - I am very aware that H is completely SELFISH. Contact is about him and his needs. He has not contacted to find out anything about me, does the puppy need anything, am I handling the puppy okay, did I need anything, how are handling the virus issue and my job? He has not shown a single bit of interest in ME.
As for the license that he contacted non-stop over - its been 2 days and he still hasn't picked it up.
I have a financial restraining order on our accounts. He was informed last Wednesday and is aware I filed for Legal S at the same time.
The plan was to take our emergency fund and pay off my vehicle and his. He of course said "well now I can't pay off your vehicle, congrats"... to then trying to be smooth and how he can't move out if he can't get funds for this house and he is not out to screw me over, blah blah blah. The conversation last Thursday AM was that I would see what could be done with Atty.
SO - I have verbal/written consent from Atty that we can indeed pay off our vehicles (marital assets) with marital money if we agree. I could also release funds for him to buy house but she suggested I make him get those funds outside marital assets.
He is texting today asking if the order was lifted --- of course the answer is NO because courts are closed.
BUT do I tell him 1) I have authorization for him to pay off vehicles AND then see if he steps up and does that. I could delay on what he is truly asking by saying I don't know about that yet.
I imagine when its just okay to pay off the vehicles but his funds are still frozen he will just say F that and go back to being dark... OR do I give him the chance to show me he will pay off the vehicles??? That would be doing something less selfish.
OR - do I just tell him courts are closed????
I really want a chance at recon - I can't have him adding this to the pile of his resentments of me.
Either way I know I will be okay. The sun will rise tomorrow. I'm working on being the most attractive me I can be and letting him go for now.
I need some advice on how to handle a situation with H - I am not asking for legal advice. I'm trying to balance the protecting myself and not being seen as a total B*tCH which would prevent recon.
Hi KitCat,
I'll delve into details later, but I'll remind you that you don't control how your ex "sees" you. Just think back to all you did to help him with his paperwork vs. his perception of what you did! You only control who you actually are. As long as you demand through your attorney only what they believe the courts would award you as fair, you're doing nothing wrong that should prevent reconciliation, and note being more financially stable could make you more desirable to him and others in the future.
Be honest...the courts are closed and he probably knows that. However, you can advise him that the lawyer has been in contact w/you and advised you that the vehicles can be paid off with the marital assets.
If he should question about the release of funds for the purchase of another home, then I would advise him that he needs to speak to his lawyer about this particular issue. The reason that I am saying this is he needs to be speaking to his own lawyer about it because he may not accept what you tell him about it. For one thing, if I were in your shoes, I would never agree to allowing him to use marital assets in purchasing another home unless I were going to be living in it. BTW, if he purchases another home w/martial assets, that home will come into play when it comes to splitting up of marital assets and your lawyer just very well may go after 1/2 of that particular asset.
It's not your job to be advising him of what your lawyer tells you. Remember...your lawyer is representing you, not him. He's a grown man and should be working w/his own lawyer and if doesn't have one...then he needs to get one. Keep your cool and be very up front and honest...do not share anything more w/him that your lawyer tells you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I need some advice on how to handle a situation with H - I am not asking for legal advice. I'm trying to balance the protecting myself and not being seen as a total B*tCH which would prevent recon.
Hi KitCat,
I'll delve into details later, but I'll remind you that you don't control how your ex "sees" you. Just think back to all you did to help him with his paperwork vs. his perception of what you did! You only control who you actually are. As long as you demand through your attorney only what they believe the courts would award you as fair, you're doing nothing wrong that should prevent reconciliation, and note being more financially stable could make you more desirable to him and others in the future.
CW - thanks and I see your point.
He is trying to close on a house next week and needs the funds to do so.
We haven't divided everything up and giving him anything NOW may not guarantee he will be generous later for sure. Especially for a man who has been completely selfish for several weeks now.
I could screw up his house buying plans...
This makes me anxious--- the spew of texts I would get if this happens. I know I should not fear his anger but lets face it. I still love this man. I still want the best for him. And, if I love him I let him go right?
I could also release funds for him to buy house but she suggested I make him get those funds outside marital assets.
Great--so attorney suggests DO NOT release marital funds. Sounds wise.
Originally Posted by KitCat
He is texting today asking if the order was lifted --- of course the answer is NO because courts are closed.
Why reply? If he's really curious he could check the court website, ask your attorney, or ask his attorney. If you must reply, a simple "No" answers the question without another dramatic exchange.
Originally Posted by KitCat
1) I have authorization for him to pay off vehicles AND then see if he steps up and does that.
You say you want to reconcile--that involves dropping the rope and letting him miss you, not setting tests to see if he "steps up". Can't this wait 3-6mo to be handled together with other financial matters?
Originally Posted by KitCat
I imagine when its just okay to pay off the vehicles but his funds are still frozen he will just say F that and go back to being dark... OR do I give him the chance to show me he will pay off the vehicles???
To clarify the funds are actually "his". He put them in a joint account but I always referred to them as "his". The plan was he was going to leave the funds and at retirement buy a fun toy with them.
I'm being proactive and locking everything down -- remember he wanted to be amicable and share the atty and go through this together... then I got the crappy texts being all accusative and what not. He got very defensive and more mysterious about everything so I locked it up.
Is there part of me that is wanting to block this house purchase??? I think there is to some degree.
What are my motives here??? I am trying to work through that.
