QUOTE: Consider you may be overblowing how much coronavirus restricts her options. Most shelter-in-place laws allow exceptions for "essential activities"--a broad term that in my area includes complying with court orders (custody changes). In my divorced parents group' nobody mentioned moving in with their ex because of coronavirus. Driving to transfer kids between homes itself wouldn't seem to affect risk much, unless one home was inherently risky e.g., a house vs. being a roommate in an apartment..[/quote]
At this point, we are being "advised" to stay home. So it isn't necessary for her to stay. However, she is going to work from here upstairs so she can help with the D. I guess I am letting her back in without staying here but maybe I dumb. I still don't know if I should just ask about the OM or state my requirements, one being ending contact with the OM, and see how she reacts??
My W came by after she got out of work and we played with my D. After so talk, I finally said, "what I said before is still true: you need to end contact with the OM and begin MC before anything else happens. She got angry/agitated, so I said, "have you ended contact?" which she replied, "no, I told you I still talk to him." So I said then "Then I don't want you here."She immediately talked about tomorrow and working from my house. I said, "I can't accept you continuing an affair and have you here working." She got so mad.
I then said, "I am not bailing you out to watch our D on your scheduled day's." She basically told me she has to work so I have to. She said, "What are you going to leave your daughter out in the cold." I told her "It's not my problem to figure out." She said she got so mad she could punch me. She started yelling about divorce, and how we should just do it.
I will be honest, I chased a little bit, saying you treat me this way and I am supposed to bail you out. That she hurt me s bad and this is how you treat me? I asked her to leave and bever come back.
I am struggling with what to do next. Go dark? How can I not bail her out and watch my D when she has work (she is a nurse and the Corona scare makes her work...sometimes at home, sometimes in the office)?
She is seeing or talking to the OM. She hasn't processed or really apologized. I need to be done. I need to 180 and detach but it so hard.
Quick update: After the fight/argument (see above), my W called 25 times....I didn't pick up. She texted numerous times asking to speak to our D. I didn't respond. She texted if I didn't respond, she would come back to my house. She texted she would call the police. I didn't respond. Finally, at 8 pm (the calls started at 7:35), I texted back and said FaceTime at 8pm (our normal time to FT). I had my D FT with her and I walked away. I could tell my W was hanging on to talk to me after...I didn't talk to her and hung up.
Immediately after the call, she texted and said: "eat S#it". Then she texted and said, you have to help me on the days I have work or I will move into the basement (my house). I didn't respond.
honestly, I don't know how to respond but I can hear all of you telling me to ignore her anger, calls, and texts. I cannot accept her still talking/seeing the OM. I can't.
Should I watch my D on the days my W is supposed to have her but still has to go to work? Honestly, I think she is working from home (her parent's house) the next couple days so the BS about her needing help or she will move into the basement seems like crap to me.
I feel slightly empowered by setting my boundaries and expectations and telling her to leave and never come back until she does. I hope I feel this way tomorrow.
Update sincd thet w=start of this message....she just texted and daid she will be here (my house) in the morijng to talk. What do I do??????
It sounds like her PA has turned into an EA, while simultaneously trying to get back in the house as much as possible. She is still talking to him and it is difficult for her to see him...PA to EA. But that could flip quick when bars open agan.
I responded to her "I'm coming by to talk tomorrow" with "please respect my boundaries and do not come."
She replied with "you have to help me when I have to work and you know that." Then she said, " this was supposed to be about our D and you made it about you." She is referring to helping me by coming by the house after work. And by me stating my boundaries (NC with the OM, MC, etc), she says I'm making it about me. Early, during the fight, I told her I don't want her help and I don't want her in the house ever again.
I did not respond to any of her texts after asking her to respect my boundaries. Between numerous calls and texts, I ignored her.
Update sincd thet w=start of this message....she just texted and daid she will be here (my house) in the morijng to talk. What do I do??????
If you have to engage--and it's likely you will at some point if she has the right to enter the home and/or because you share children--listen, validate, then leave the situation. If you can't retreat into your home, then maybe you can retreat into a bedroom. Try to avoid on-the-spot decisions or emotes.
She did not come over this morning but continued to text a lot. "I'm coming over this morning to help or you can bring her to me." No response from me. Then, "You can't keep our D from me." Then, "I'm going to call a lawyer to tell them that I'm an essential employee (during Corona scare...she's a pediatric nurse) and you won't help me." Then, "you are using our D to get back at me, you should be ashamed."
I'm scheduled to have my D Mon-Thur, so no way she actually thinks I'm keeping our D from her. So I finally said, "please respect my boundaries and you will get our D on Thursday."
Also, one more thing from last night, my W got so defensive and angry after I said I do not accept her being in contact with the OM, therefore, I didn't want her there (our house) and I didn't want her help. She exploded and yelled, swore, threatened to punch me in my face, all while being 2 ft away from my daughter. After she left, within 10 minutes called and texted 20+ times, over and over. Once even stating "I worried for our D safety." Really!!!! You just flipped out and threatened me and I remained fairly calm.
Then this morning, saying "that is was sad that I'm doing this to our D." Again, really!!! You had an A for over a year!!! What I did to our D? Wow.
I was naive and foolish to think she was changing. She was cake eating and probably scared over finances due to losing work hours as result of this health scare. She even asked me for $ the other day if she gets stuck. And don't worry, I deflected that one by saying the govt is working on a financial package to help.
I'm going to sit down and write my boundaries up to email her (if you guys agree it's a good idea). I will post them on here first.
You guys were, right. She's nowhere ready but I think with her frantic calls, emails, telling me she's moving into the basement, all proves she is thinking about working it out but I want to be clear what she needs to do first before that happens. Remorse, Regret, end contact with the OM, transparency, MC and IC.
Here is what I would send via email...let me know if I should change anything:
My Boundaries:
1. Do not contact me unless it is an emergency regarding or D. Otherwise, we will continue to FaceTime at 8pm every night. 2. Do not come into the house without speaking with me first. 3. Do not expect me to help you out financially or watching our D on your scheduled days when you have to work. (Tgi's one is hard with her being a nurse and a essential employee. I just feel like I bailing out my W and not my D).
I don't know if I should include these. My guess is you will say no but I don't know if/when I would send this.
If you end contact with the OM, become transparent with all emails, apps, etc, begin MC, then we can talk about what happens next.
First of all.............. for a great job standing your ground and not letting her slither under the door. Hold the line and do not agree to let her work from the house. She is using the child to make you feel guilty, saying you are throwing your baby out, etc. A WW is not worried about her kids, she simply uses them for her selfish, manipulative, power over the H.
I read your updates quickly, so if I am missing something, let me know. IMHO, she can stay with her parents and work from their home......or wherever, but you don't have to allow her back into your home on her excuses. Now, be prepared in case some poster starts telling you that if her name is on the mortgage then blah, blah, blah. Don't worry about any of that right now. If she wants to push things legally, so be it. Don't mention any of this to her. I'm just sharing with you, in case it comes up in a post. I see a woman who retreated b/c her H had the b@lls to tell his cheating W that she wasn't wanted there as long as she was still contacting her lover. Bravo!!
She may make all kinds of threats and throw you under the bus, but it's b/c she knows she is wrong and that you have every right in the world to kick her out. NOBODY KNOWS BETTER THAN A WW THAT SHE IS AS GUILTY AS SIN. She knows when she is taking advantage and throwing a few bread crumbs at the LBH, like being all warm & fuzzy, saying, "We'll just take one day at a time", while she lives under his roof, sleeping in separate beds and she continues her affair. She KNOWS what she's doing. She knows she is doing you wrong!
Ignore her constant calls, she just wants to verbally bash you, try to manipulate you, use her tears to make you feel sorry for her........whatever new trick she pulls out of her bag. Two most used cards the WW will play are: Guilt card, where she tries to make you feel guilty for being so hard on her. And, the control card, where she accuses you of trying to control her. Pretty rich, considering she can be a slick manipulator. This is who you are dealing with. It's the girl you fell in love with, okay?
Continue the regularly scheduled face time between mother & child. You don't participate. (Good job!) She'll try to get your attention any way she can. Don't buy it.
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I was naive and foolish to think she was changing.
However, you were posting and reading our advice, and LEARNING. That's the game-changer! I admire a man who respects himself enough to put a WW in her place, in spite of his personal loving feelings he still holds. It's hard, but I promise you she will respect you for it. She won't like, and may say she hates you.......but in she'll respect you. She may never tell you, b/c of her false pride, but she'll respect you.......b/c that's how she is wired. She may stay mad and hateful for quite a while, especially while she's still contacting OM. But when that affair is over, and if she's suffered enough consequences, she stands a greater chance in making a turnaround in her own mindset. If she wants it badly enough. In the meantime, your job is to hold that line and don't get soft and become all melty-man.
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She was cake eating and probably scared over finances due to losing work hours as result of this health scare. She even asked me for $ the other day if she gets stuck.
See what I'm talking about? She isn't thinking of anyone but her own benefit.
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I'm going to sit down and write my boundaries up to email her (if you guys agree it's a good idea). I will post them on here first.
No! Not yet. Hold on, and give me a few minutes to talk to you about it in the next post. Okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
IMHO, she can stay with her parents and work from their home......or wherever, but you don't have to allow her back into your home on her excuses. Now, be prepared in case some poster starts telling you that if her name is on the mortgage then blah, blah, blah. Don't worry about any of that right now. If she wants to push things legally, so be it. Don't mention any of this to her. I'm just sharing with you, in case it comes up in a post. I see a woman who retreated b/c her H had the b@lls to tell his cheating W that she wasn't wanted there as long as she was still contacting her lover. Bravo!!
You are right, she is going to work from her parents' house (like she is today). I don't want her in my house. Also, the house is in my name, mortgage in my name, she has never paid a cent to it. Unfortunately,I know she legally has a right to come here but buy her stating last night and this morning in a text that she was coming over, she was coming to talk, and that she was moving into the basement, but never actually came, I don't think she really would just show up.
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Ignore her constant calls, she just wants to verbally bash you, try to manipulate you, use her tears to make you feel sorry for her.
I did ignore her, and obviously she was calling to get me on the line and not my D. She tried saying it was to talk to my D (even though we FaceTime 30 min after her continuous calls). The hard part is when she texts asking about our D. I ignored them last night and this morning, but I don't know if I should do that. I know she is texting "tell her I love her" or "how was her day" just to get me in a convo with her.
Should I respond to her texts about our D?
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She may stay mad and hateful for quite a while, especially while she's still contacting OM. But when that affair is over, and if she's suffered enough consequences, she stands a greater chance in making a turnaround in her own mindset.
How long do you think she could carry this on for? I thought she was making changes because she wanted me, but in actuality, I think she she was scared and wanted to cake eat. She even was FaceTiming with her friends and asking me to say hi to them, telling them that we are all hanging out. Why do that if you are still contacting the OM??? Her friends don't like the fact that she had an A....and told her to stop it. So she pretends like everything is fine between us but continues to lie to them?
To be fair, I did ask her last night if she was still talking to him, which she immediately said, "yes, I told you we still talk." At least she admitted it. I don't think she is seeing him because of social distancing, bars closed, etc.
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Quote I'm going to sit down and write my boundaries up to email her (if you guys agree it's a good idea). I will post them on here first.
No! Not yet. Hold on, and give me a few minutes to talk to you about it in the next post. Okay?
Okay, I will wait. I want to send her something today/tomorrow because I want her to know my actual stance on things b/c it hasn't really been stated. Also, I think if I can hold the line, that email that she has been writing for weeks may finally come and give me some insight on what she is thinking. My guess is, it will say I need time to think like she has been saying for weeks. But I can tell that by me telling her to leave and not come back, not to work from here, and then ignoring all calls and texts, she is starting to chase me a bit...that has to be a good thing.
