Had my first session today. He definitely gave me some suggestions on some 180s I could do. They're not necessarily huge undertakings, but are definitely things that I would have to get outside my comfort zone to do, so they feel huge to me. They involve skills I need to develop at some point, anyway. I'm going to have to think on it, come up with a plan of action, and prepare/practice.
To initiate a conversation about how she sees us splitting up our assets. It doesn't have to be about all of our assets, it could be just about one item. And I need to listen to what she says, and validate.
And possibly to initiate a conversation (or just make a statement) about her (I suppose I could phrase it as both of us) being open to criticism or suggestions on how we do things. With an emphasis on - I want to grow as a person, I want her to grow, I want us to grow as parents, and people, and to do that we have to be able to accept and even seek new input/data to help us do that. Since we're going to be in each other's lives (marriage or not) for a long time, it's something that would be beneficial to us, and our daughter.
I'm not much of a talker, and definitely don't usually initiate conversations about major or hot-button topics, so it would be an 180 and not something she'd expect from me.
The 2nd thing would be much more difficult for me as it seems to my mind like a part of a larger conversation rather than something to initiate on its own. The first I think I can do. I'm just trying to think of items we might disagree on, or that will take some thought on her part. Get something I can validate and not just a quick, "oh you can have that."
Ugh, she got another round of snacks today. And this time she got a few things that she knows I usually end up eating like 95% of. It's like she isbeither trying to see me fail on my weight loss gains, or is testing me.
how is initiating relationship talks and talks about divorce 180's?
180's is changing how you react to situations, changing how you handle things. It is doing something differently. Making situations so you can have a chance to validate or "show" a different way you would discuss it aren't 189's. Read up on them a little more, I know there are great resources right on the boards for that
how is initiating relationship talks and talks about divorce 180's?
180's is changing how you react to situations, changing how you handle things. It is doing something differently. Making situations so you can have a chance to validate or "show" a different way you would discuss it aren't 189's. Read up on them a little more, I know there are great resources right on the boards for that
It's a 180 because bringing up that topic is not something I would normally do. She would expect me to just sit and wait for her to bring it up. She would expect me to be passive. There was no suggestion about discussing the relationship. Just getting her thoughts on things regarding the divorce and the current step it is in.
I often times have thought that Michele and the coaches may have some very different thoughts on DBing than many on the boards seem to. I definitely know from DR that 180s are more than just reactions.
Originally Posted by sandi2 If the D should come about, how do you picture the relation with her? Would you continue to do the things you currently do (or want to do), or would you change? If so, how would that R look?
Do you mean, as far as GAL? Getting/staying in shape, doing the things I enjoy, and improving myself?
No, I just mean how would you interact and/or what kind of tone would the R have from your side of the street, so to speak. Would you do as much for her, as you do while M to her? Other than child support, would give her financial assistance? Would you be available whenever she wanted you to do something for her? Would you text her, checking to see how she is? Would you respond when she texts something funny? If she was dating, or if she were to remarry, would you do anything differently than you are currently doing......where she is concerned? I don't mean as the mother of your child, but in your personal relationship with her. Is there anything that would cause you to draw a line in the sand?
I'm not trying to be contentious, so please bear with me as I ask these questions.......as is my way of getting to know you and your sitch better.
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Faith and commitment to my vows is a big thing for me, and for me, the vows we took are the marriage, not a piece of paper from the government. So, in a way, for me, a legal D doesn't put an end to my vows. So, I don't see myself going out and trying to date anyone or anything.
Unfortunately the law doesn't agree, as you know. What your wedding vows means to you won't determine what the law mandates. Will your vows keep you emotionally tied to a woman who legally divorces you?
I understand very well how unconditional love is often preached from the pulpit. And, as your Pastor said, it's how something is received by the other person, that makes the difference. Something I encourage you to think about, is how the H should respond to disrespect under his own roof. I'm not throwing shade to your faith, church, or Pastor. I just want to know what you believe is the appropriate response when a wife verbally, or otherwise, disrespects her H.
Does your W have justified reasons for divorcing you? Were you abusive, or involved in some type of illegal activity?
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I'm not sure how much our relationship would be that much different than it is now, unless she decides there's more to she wants it to be. Currently, it's pretty business like. 90%+ is strictly about our daughter and logistics of some sort.
Does she get all the benefits from being legally married to you, without the requirements or expectations of a loving, devoted wife? From an outsider's view, it appears that she does. Will you open your thoughts to the possibility that there is more than you've allowed yourself to consider......or believe about your W and why she wants this divorce?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, I just mean how would you interact and/or what kind of tone would the R have from your side of the street, so to speak. Would you do as much for her, as you do while M to her? Other than child support, would give her financial assistance? Would you be available whenever she wanted you to do something for her? Would you text her, checking to see how she is? Would you respond when she texts something funny? If she was dating, or if she were to remarry, would you do anything differently than you are currently doing......where she is concerned? I don't mean as the mother of your child, but in your personal relationship with her. Is there anything that would cause you to draw a line in the sand?
Hope I don't miss one:
No No - she would actually owe me. No No Maybe There's just not much of anything I'm currently doing in our personal relationship. We exist in the same house, and anything I do "for her" are just things that need done in the house anyway. Line in the sand regarding?
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I'm not trying to be contentious, so please bear with me as I ask these questions.......as is my way of getting to know you and your sitch better.
Unfortunately the law doesn't agree, as you know. What your wedding vows means to you won't determine what the law mandates. Will your vows keep you emotionally tied to a woman who legally divorces you?
Emotionally? No. But I don't view love as only (or even primarily) an emotional thing. The law is the law, but for my personal beliefs and my faith, I don't care much what the government thinks. It's just a piece of paper and has nothing to do with my vows and the commitment I made.
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I understand very well how unconditional love is often preached from the pulpit. And, as your Pastor said, it's how something is received by the other person, that makes the difference. Something I encourage you to think about, is how the H should respond to disrespect under his own roof. I'm not throwing shade to your faith, church, or Pastor. I just want to know what you believe is the appropriate response when a wife verbally, or otherwise, disrespects her H.
Appropriate response would be to address it.
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Does your W have justified reasons for divorcing you? Were you abusive, or involved in some type of illegal activity?
Does she get all the benefits from being legally married to you, without the requirements or expectations of a loving, devoted wife? From an outsider's view, it appears that she does. Will you open your thoughts to the possibility that there is more than you've allowed yourself to consider......or believe about your W and why she wants this divorce?
No. No abuse, no infidelity, no drinking, no gambling, etc.
I am not sure what benefits she gets right now beyond me being here with our daughter. Our finances have always been mostly separate. She pays for the house, and a car payment (it was a lease that just finished and she wanted to keep it). She asked me to give her all the information for utilities and insurance so that she could pay for them. She even still does my laundry. So you could almost say that I am getting all the benefits of being married, except for the intimate relationship.
I've allowed myself to consider pretty much anything as far as her reasons. But I just haven't been able to come to any conclusions.
