MLC newbie

[cardinal]

Believe, you’re probably aware I am cycling through a new round of grief from my posts by now. I am ten months in and have had many somewhat peaceful stretches of feeling detached and confident in myself. Things are hard again and I have had many of the same thoughts, fears, and worries as you. My H is also playing lots of video games lately! I just want to say: You’re not alone in these waves! ((Believe)))

[DnJ]

Hello B6

I agree with the others. You’ve had the big conversation, now let it go, and do not bring up OW or R. You apologized, said you’re sorry, now let that go. Pick yourself back up and keep moving forward.

I would suggest less brutal honesty. Just honesty, don’t need the brutal part. One can be honest and sincere, while respecting and considering the other person’s feelings and emotional state.

Turn your focus back upon yourself. Dig for patience. Do your inner work, and make any changes permanent.

The LBS does seek to understand. So it follows we try to help our spouse understand. However, they do not want to, and are not in a place to understand. Remember emotions rule their life right now. He feels negative towards you. Your best course is to focus on you so his feelings don’t get reinforced and can eventually start to alter.

I wonder, do we continue to go through grief when they finally move out? Then the same process if there is a legal separation or divorce? Do we keep having to cycle through grief? When do we get to feel peace?

Grief takes as long as it takes. It will be over right when it is over, and not a second sooner.

When your spouse moves out, it triggers another spike of grief and pain. So does legal separation and divorce. Those are all bumps along the path to acceptance.

Do you have to cycle through it. If you want a healthy outcome - yes! However, one can get stuck in a stage of grief and exist there for a long long time. For example - denial. Unaware and unable to face what is and has happened. Not a great place to live out one’s days. Likewise getting stuck in anger or depression. I’m sure you’ve seen some people who are living angry depressed lives that are less than accepting of their lot.

So yes. Cycle though your grief. You will bounce back and redo various bits and pieces of each stage. Not everything is acknowledged within you at once, therefore not everything proceeds at the same pace. And somethings take longer than others. Don’t worry grief is healthy and perfectly normal - it’s a very good sign of healing.

Feeling peace. Hmmmm. It is a slow process to find your piece in all this. One pushes back denial and sees their pain and loss. Not all of it - there is too much to see all the first go around. Hence the cycles.

Anger takes place. A normal reaction to the emotional pain now seen. It can be short lived or a fire storm of emotions. Depends on the person and their experiences.

During bargaining we make deals. Offers to just let everything go back to how it was. Kind of like you did a couple of posts ago. Take that as a good sign. An other step closer to acceptance.

We bargain with our spouse, with God, with ourselves. The bargaining with ourselves is the big one. After bargaining doesn’t yield the results we want, depression sets in.

Depression hits, and hits hard. It sinks us low. GAL! Focus on you! Just keeping moving forward through the quagmire and get to the other side.

Depression feels like a pit. Lots of people reach their hands down to help pull you out. Others, like me, climb down and lock our finger together to give you a foothold. Your job is to put your foot in to the waiting step, and reach up to the hands. You decide to climb out when your ready. It doesn’t happen fast, and we all have been there and know that. From my experience, this is a pretty compassion bunch of folks around here. So again, there is no rush, just keep moving forward.

Acceptance is reached. That emotional understanding. Bits and pieces of our emotional pain accepted, while other bits and pieces are scattered among the various stages.

Eventually we find ourselves mostly in acceptance. This is true for most of the stages. None have definite boarders or delimitations. The stages of grief are traversed in a more nebulous fashion.

Acceptance does bring a much end to the denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Yes, peace is a usual outcome. In my opinion and experience keeping a compassionate and kind view pays handsomely later on. Choose better not bitter.

I know. Our own emotions are a choice based on our thoughts, right?

Our emotions are Influenced by our thoughts. Emotions are based on our irrational minds, the pressures, triggers, attachments, stimulus, etc... and in no small part our beliefs.

Our thoughts and our physical actions are the only things we have direct control of. Thoughts and physical actions influence emotions and beliefs. For example - smile. Right now. Smile. See how you felt better. Now frown. Feels worse doesn’t it.

Our physical actions have a direct influence upon our emotional state. Our thoughts do as well.

The converse is also true that our emotions and beliefs do influence our thoughts and actions. Not control them, influence them. However, consistent efforts of our thoughts, the mental assertiveness, does yield changes. Decide what, who, and how you want to be. Then do it. It’s the inner work. The finding our beliefs and strengthening and altering. The true foundation to the peace you are seeking. It comes from within you.

Forgiveness is another noble and lofty goal to head towards. It is completely achievable, and without a doubt for you. Forgiveness is for you.

Forgiveness really pulls everything together. Compassion, understanding, empathy, acceptance - it lives within our beliefs. It is a way of life. Peace? Oh yes, very much so.

B6, you are somewhere along your path. Your grief will end. It lasts both shorter and longer then you think/feel it will.

There are no ways to speed up our grief. Our emotions find acceptance and we find our peace. It takes time. (((Hugs)))

DnJ

[Believe6]

Sorry, I haven't replied Kindly, Job, Cardinal and DnJ...

Been working through my stuff and reading a lot. My D played some songs on her uke last night in honor of H's dad's 1 year passing anniversary. We cried. I held her. Then H held her. Later when I went to say goodnight to the kids, I checked in on H who as in his office. Not playing vids as is his usual. He was looking at stuff, but I am trying not to care. I told him how sorry I am for his loss and that I did really love his dad. I asked to give him a hug and he did let me. He held me like he would have in the past. I hope it gave him comfort.

Today is a new day. We have stayed out of each other's way. If we do interact, it's pretty roommate like. I guess I am getting used to this new distancing. Social distancing? Bah... this is MLC distancing. LOL.

I have felt anxious then did some self soothing things... tapping, reading, checking other sites, reading about MLC and reminding myself of the stages and that as an LBS, I am doing just fine.

Then I took a long walk. Hardly anyone outside. The butterflies were rampant. I felt connected to source. While walking I was listening to a spiritual teacher I love and processing. I really was working on my PIES. Felt good to physically be doing something, intellectually be doing something (i.e. youtube), emotionally be doing something (smiling at the butterflies, passersby, the trees), and spiritually be doing something (feeling grateful).

Is it wrong to post things to Instagram? I don't want to poke the bear. Will it look like I am trying to get attention? I don't want him to think I am trying to get attention when I post. I am doing so to remind myself and those I love of positive things. I do hate having to worry about stuff like this. I am getting a life. I want to share the life I am getting for ME.

Thank you all for your support, honesty and caring. I feel loved. Not just from myself but from strangers. It's the oddest thing and the most amazing thing too. Blessings

[Kindly]

Is it wrong to post things to Instagram? I don't want to poke the bear. Will it look like I am trying to get attention? I don't want him to think I am trying to get attention when I post. I am doing so to remind myself and those I love of positive things. I do hate having to worry about stuff like this. I am getting a life. I want to share the life I am getting for ME.

Thank you all for your support, honesty and caring. I feel loved. Not just from myself but from strangers. It's the oddest thing and the most amazing thing too. Blessings

Hey B6 - my opinion is that as long as you are posting for YOU and not trying to insight a reaction out of H go for it.
As long as it is healthy for YOU to be on instagram and YOU get enjoyment out of it then I don’t think there is anything wrong with it...maybe some of the veterans can chime in from the MLC perspective? (((Hugs)))

[DnJ]

Hello B6

Posting on social media is ok. Like you said, you are doing it for you. It is like focusing on you and GAL - it’s for you, not to influence H.

If H questions why the posts, keep your answer short - Oh, I like posting.

MLCers do tend to watch us, so don’t be surprised if H notices and follows your new behaviour.

DnJ

[Believe6]

Thank you, Kindly and DnJ! I will post for ME. It does help and I have felt better feeling connected with others. Especially now with all of us in lockdown. I am trying to share happy and upbeat things. I think we all need that right now.

Journaling
Been such a strange time. I still struggling with the ups and downs of my emotions. H has been talking a bit more. He is starting college (or finishing) finally. It's actually one of his life goals and I hope this helps with his major discontent. I am happy and excited for him and I told him. Conversations have been better, but letting him lead the way in that. We are good roommates and good coparents. Doesn't mean I don't hurt and miss him. I do, but I continue to do things to help me cope.

Been practicing my Ukelele, listening to podcasts, doing my eft tapping, reading alot, checking out posts on various social media that is insightful/inspiring and sharing things with my girlfriends. Trying to help keep me and others inspired.

Taking my walks, working out, cooking good meals for the family... doing things that make me feel proud. I am starting to dream about things I would do with or without him. If he is going to leave me, I better have a plan. And even if he doesn't, I can prioritize the list and tell him which I want to do and see what makes sense from a family perspective.

Thanks for the support!

[peacetoday]

I like everything you said

continue to work on you...it is really your best chance

read about feminine energy and masculine energy

[Believe6]

Why is this so hard? I sometimes think, if he had passed away it may have been easier than dealing with the pain of his betrayal and me realizing he's in MLC with no clear end date. Then I could begin to imagine life with just me and the kids and both sides of our family.

But this? When you know the person you married is effectively gone. The marriage you cherished and the one so many admired is a lie and is dead, but you cant really bury it because you are trying to stand?

I am trying to do what Hearts Blessing recommends and detach, but we are still in the same house. He is polite but extremely distant. We have never been that way before. It hurts so much and my anxiety and depression are just there hovering. So we fight to find joy in each moment or at least peace.

But how can I really focus on what makes me happy when I am so worried about losing my family? A friend of mine says I need to cut the spiritual chord so I can swim before I drown. Maybe that's what detachment is? But how?

Because to stand, I must be strong, whole, complete and healed. I can't do that if I am constantly worried about his process, progress and healing. I am doing smart contact and now I'm just letting him take the lead. But it's so hard. It still hurts so much every day.

Doing the Work to questions my beliefs when I can. That's hard too. But I guess for those of us i. this fire, that's all there is. The work in us... never ending.But hopefully eventually we will rise.

[paco123]

B6,

You come across as being a spiritual, compassionate person. Let me share three things that have helped me.

First, as I told her nephew (who told me he prays for our reconciliation), “I would much rather you pray for her reconciliation with her version of God. Everything follows from that.” Whatever label one uses (MLC, WAW), I believe my wife is on an existential journey to discover the best version of herself. Wherever this leads her, I pray for the success of that journey, regardless of my own needs. For me, this is the essence of love.

Second, as I told a mutual friend (who is a priest), “You and I believe there is an entity that loves her more than either of us can. We can only entrust her journey to that entity.” (See my definition of entity below.)

Third, my own journey is very much one of learning to trust God, whom I think of in metaphorical terms. For me, God is my abbreviated term to refer to the authentic, best version of each of us. In a sense, when I say, trust God, I mean trust my future self. I trust myself to have the strength and compassion to lovingly support her, even as I give her as much space and freedom as she needs. But I realize as well that to be in this position is to be in pain. Detachment does not mean absence of pain. As I’m sure you know, to love is to risk pain. According to Christian lore, two millennia ago next week, a man died a cruel death proving just that.

[Believe6]

Paco,
Thank you. I am crying as I respond to this.

B6,

You come across as being a spiritual, compassionate person. Let me share three things that have helped me.

First, as I told her nephew (who told me he prays for our reconciliation), “I would much rather you pray for her reconciliation with her version of God. Everything follows from that.” Whatever label one uses (MLC, WAW), I believe my wife is on an existential journey to discover the best version of herself. Wherever this leads her, I pray for the success of that journey, regardless of my own needs. For me, this is the essence of love.

Second, as I told a mutual friend (who is a priest), “You and I believe there is an entity that loves her more than either of us can. We can only entrust her journey to that entity.” (See my definition of entity below.)

Third, my own journey is very much one of learning to trust God, whom I think of in metaphorical terms. For me, God is my abbreviated term to refer to the authentic, best version of each of us. In a sense, when I say, trust God, I mean trust my future self. I trust myself to have the strength and compassion to lovingly support her, even as I give her as much space and freedom as she needs. But I realize as well that to be in this position is to be in pain. Detachment does not mean absence of pain. As I’m sure you know, to love is to risk pain. According to Christian lore, two millennia ago next week, a man died a cruel death proving just that.

First, You are right. I need to pray for her reconciliation with H's version of God, which in the past he has said he believes there's something, but he doesn't believe it does things for us. But earlier in his life he did believe in God in deep ways. I don't want to impose my faith or beliefs on him. I just want him to be guided by a compass that helps him to feel happy, proud, free... all the things he wants for himself, truly.

B6,


Second, as I told a mutual friend (who is a priest), “You and I believe there is an entity that loves her more than either of us can. We can only entrust her journey to that entity.” (See my definition of entity below.)

I do believe there is an entity that loves him more than I can. I am afraid to trust his or my journey. The pain is unbearable sometimes. Yet, I know, when the veil from my eyes are lifted, I can see how much pain he is in. How he wishes he wasn't in this pain and because he can't stand it in himself, he is searching everywhere he can for a lifeline... and unfortunately, me and the life we built isn't it.

But it hurts so much, because I want to be there for him. I want to throw him a lifeline. I want to light the path. But my light is dim. I know that. I am so focused on him sometimes, I am having a hard time seeing my own light.

I think too, that I have wanted to help others. To do work that matters in the world and I haven't been able to find that path. So I feel even worse about my value. I know that my value lies in what I do regardless of pay. But we live in a western world where money feeds our kids and supports a specific lifestyle.

B6,


Third, my own journey is very much one of learning to trust God, whom I think of in metaphorical terms. For me, God is my abbreviated term to refer to the authentic, best version of each of us. In a sense, when I say, trust God, I mean trust my future self. I trust myself to have the strength and compassion to lovingly support her, even as I give her as much space and freedom as she needs. But I realize as well that to be in this position is to be in pain. Detachment does not mean absence of pain. As I’m sure you know, to love is to risk pain. According to Christian lore, two millennia ago next week, a man died a cruel death proving just that.

Third, It's such a crux right now. From reading HeartsBlessings posts from the past, I know that detachment saves us from being rocked too much by what the MLCer does or doesn't do. Trusting God is so very hard for me. I have strayed from my roman C foundation because he didn't like to go to church and really there is much about the one we've been going to which doesn't resonate with me. I am finding roman C mass on TV much easier to attend and be present.

I realize now that regardless of what he thinks or feels I have to quit bartering away the things that make my soul happy. So I attend now. And although I have a ways to go to feel the deep connection I want and used to feel, I am trying. I guess leaning in to the pain? Even though it is so very hard sometimes...

Thinking good thoughts for you, my new friend, Paco. Thank you so much for your wisdom. I will have to re-read this (as well as so many others who've shared wisdom with me). It's easy to forget the wisdom in the heat of the pain.

Blessings