And it is amazing how little their attention span becomes. Gnat-like. Really.
You have requested she forward her stubs to the mortgage company. Good. Leave it alone. If she texts back asking why (again) don’t respond. You’ve already told her why.
A lot of times for things like this, financial matters, names on bills, etc., they do not want to cooperate. Give an opportunity and then find a way to look after it yourself. You cannot count on her to follow through or keep her word. MLCer do lie and forget; so it could be non culpable - but that matters little, you would still need to take care of things.
Originally Posted by GOONIES
I was trying to show detachment, in a way she would see. I felt like following up with how much I love her and wish she would come home, but thankfully I did not text anymore than that. surprisingly, she had no response at all.
I agree with you, it is good that you did not text anymore of your feelings.
G, you have made progress with detachment. Keep working on indifference.
I do understand and empathize with how much you love her and wish she would come home.
You are doing well my friend. An LBS’s progress is step by step, and takes time.
A suggestion for you. You need not “try” to show detachment. Do it. Be detached. It will show.
Focus on you.
Keep to your limited contact. And continue delaying responding for 24 to 48 hours. And then only to really important matters.
Did you block her on social media?
Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Good morning, when dealing with my own depression, is it normal to think I am doing good, and have some good days where I feel like I am moving in the right direction and then BAM!!! I could not talk myself out of a wet paper bag? Saturday I got home from work and just felt down. I ended up staying in bed until Monday morning. I was just a mess, and could not think of anything positive, and I don't know why...
on the subject of detaching, I have read where they say to live as if they were never coming back. can someone expand on that for me. as to what lengths I should go...
when dealing with my own depression, is it normal to think I am doing good, and have some good days where I feel like I am moving in the right direction and then BAM!!! I could not talk myself out of a wet paper bag?
Oh yes. That is perfectly normal.
Depression is one of the five stages of grief.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They are not linear, and one does bounce around between them.
I found depression to be the worst stage. It was dark, crushing, and hard to get through.
It’s our emotions G. You feel good for a bit and then BAM, something from outside your consciousness comes up and you sink again. Those subconscious emotions and feelings are being sorted out. It’s the process to finding acceptance with your emotions. And it takes time.
Originally Posted by GOONIES
Saturday I got home from work and just felt down. I ended up staying in bed until Monday morning. I was just a mess, and could not think of anything positive, and I don't know why...
It is amazing just how much emotions influence, even rule, our lives.
We are both rational and irrational beings. Rational is within our direct control. Irrational we can only influence.
Grief is emotional turmoil and finding our way through it. So it reasons that we are at times beyond our own control or influence. Emotions can, and do, highjack us. Mental assertiveness does help. GAL does help. Focusing on yourself does help.
Detachment is needed. It is the biggest help. We detach from our spouse. We also detach, somewhat, from our own emotions - that’s the indifference part of this.
Through indifference we regain and exercise influence over ourselves. Slowly, step by step, walking our journey and out of the dark ensnaring fog.
I total understand and empathize with your inability to think of anything positive, and not know why. It is the very hallmark of depression. Despondency, low spirits, loss of hope, etc. This is normal. This is temporary, even though it doesn't feel that way.
Originally Posted by GOONIES
on the subject of detaching, I have read where they say to live as if they were never coming back. can someone expand on that for me. as to what lengths I should go...
I admit I was not a fan of this while depressed. In fact, I hated that statement.
It was the “never coming back” part. I focused upon the “never”, which just fed my depression.
What I missed, and I don’t mean didn’t read, I mean I didn’t understand or actually see - “as if”.
Live as if they were never coming back.
“As if” is make-believe. It allows one to find hope. It allows one to get unstuck and move forward.
Those two little words are hard to hear when one’s emotions are screaming and keeping your stuck in bed. Man, those were tough days.
So what lengths to go to?
You live your life as if she is never coming back.
You get up, and make your bed. You go to work.
You love yourself and your family.
You have fun. You have quality time with friends (mostly male at first, temptation is a real thing).
You go on vacations.
You watch movies.
You do projects you want to do. Things you have been putting off.
You try new things and projects. Something you always wanted to do, but could not find the time.
You heal yourself.
You choose better not bitter.
You become the best G you can be.
You focus on yourself and your life.
You let go.
You hope.
You stand.
The unwanted path you find yourself upon is difficult. It is also an incredible opportunity; one very few people ever experience. There are so many blessing upon this path that most LBS eventually consider it to be, and see it as, the gift it truly is.
Like all of us, journeys are travelled one step at a time, no matter where along the our path we are.
Keep moving forward. Keep detaching.
You are doing good.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
on the subject of detaching, I have read where they say to live as if they were never coming back. can someone expand on that for me. as to what lengths I should go...
My thread was titled "Why Keep Hope". For my own sanity I gave up on hope early on, and it allowed me to detach, improve, and rebound faster. This site is about providing hope, but I found that hope kept my focus on the wrong things. I don't know that there is a right way or wrong way to do this, but I like where my life is at.
Just look it up online , read about the 12 step program and decide if it could be useful to you They offer free online or phone meetings and many meetings will revolve around the same topics we discuss here GAL Detach Let go acceptance Heal and grieve
Good luck! Rooting for your full recovery from the depression
meditation is also helpful if you can listen online to learn how to meditate and practice it once -2 daily instead of caving up in bed
Discipline of self is a valuable tool to get through this process
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You know one of the worst things about this is, she is my best friend. I find my self in a paradox. I have a problem with this MLC, and in my mind I wish I had her to talk to about it. I miss her company, I miss her being there when I get home.
You know one of the worst things about this is, she is my best friend. I find my self in a paradox. I have a problem with this MLC, and in my mind I wish I had her to talk to about it. I miss her company, I miss her being there when I get home.
I completely relate to this too, I don’t know if this will help, but maybe start having an internal dialogue with the “old” version of her. Tell her how you feel, how hard this is etc. and also keep noticing how this old version and current version are different. This was very helpful to me early on to both feel heard and to detach as I really could clearly see the reality of how my wife is not my friend as she is now. It’s all part of grieving and acceptance.
considering the person going through the MLC, does it matter if the person had a pretty strong-mature character prior to entering the tunnel. does this play a factor as to how long, and if they will finish their journey? my wife was always mature, strong, and level headed prior to this, which makes it all the more harder to under stand for me why this happened in the first place. I know she had no choice in the matter, but still hard to fathom.
