Well, I made a decision on the divorce settlement question. Her lawyer kind of pushed for an update, so I went ahead and made a decision. It wasn't as much as my lawyer suggested, but more than my wife proposed. I feel okay about it. My wife got the insurance transferred over to a new account, so all that's left on the previous account is my car.
Things are going okay in the house. The wife is being friendly, or maybe polite is a better word. Almost acting like a roommate, which I guess is kind of how she acted before, except now it's a roommate who isn't full of anger and contempt for me.
I've been trying to express my gratitude to her (and others) more often. I recognize it's probably a weakness I've had that stems from my more reserved nature. I might typically express appreciate once in awhile (maybe occasions like birthdays, etc), but not consistently. I could tell she was starting to get annoyed from her short responses ("Mmmhmm, yep.") so, I explained that I'm trying to grow as a person and so I'm trying to work on being more aware of things I should be thankful for and expressing my gratitude. She said I didn't have to do it anymore, and thanked me for the things I've been doing around the house. I said I appreciated that, but I did need to keep doing it so that it becomes more natural for me, and that the current climate of the world kind of prevents many opportunities to practice.
Hi Captain, if you're talking to her in a way she doesn't like ("she started to get annoyed"), and she's asked you to stop ("She said I didn't have to do it anymore"), consider not talking to her that way.
That could be a respect 180, as would be asking for her consent to be practiced on.
Of course, it's easy to miss body language in an Internet post.
If the expression of gratitude is for your benefit, to see what goodness surrounds you, journaling is an option. I know at least one person who posts everyday on Facebook what they're thankful for.
It's actually one of my 180's to be doing the gratitude thing. It's what I discussed with my coach. And he actually suggested the explaining the reasons behind it to her, because he knew it could be annoying.
It is both for me, to grow as a person, but also because there are people who are deserving of appreciation and I have not done well in expressing that. I know I have appreciation, I feel it, but the person I have gratitude for does not. Or if they do, they get it all at once on special occasions, and not consistently.
She hasn't been annoyed with all of them. It's possible my timing was bad. The time that she seemed most annoyed, in particular, she was already frustrated with our daughter when I brought it up. Today I thanked her before leaving for work, and before explaining anything to her, and she was more pleasant about it.
I could tell she was starting to get annoyed from her short responses ("Mmmhmm, yep.") so, I explained that I'm trying to grow as a person and so I'm trying to work on being more aware of things I should be thankful for and expressing my gratitude. She said I didn't have to do it anymore.
I have been where you are. I see three things:
#1) she doesn't believe your changes are real. She sees them as manipulative. #2) You should stop explaining. That sets you back. Make changes. Do not talk about them. #3) Keep doing it. It is the right thing to do. Do not let her control you.
How she responds should not be your measuring stick.
Your measuring stick should be internal. Did I make a positive change in my behavior? Plus one. Did I do something I know I should not have done? Minus one.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Talked to my lawyer today about my decision on the divorce and the assets involved.
She suggested adding in language at the top of her communication to my W's ATTNY about me still not wanting the divorce and preferring us to work something out. I was a little resistant to the idea, as I didn't want it to sound like I was pressuring her, but she said she could draft something and send it to me to see if I was okay with it.
Here's what she came up with for that part:
Quote
W's ATTNY, thank you for sending me the requested documents. I know we have touched on this subject before, but I want to make it very clear that CaptainN loves W and absolutely does not want a divorce from her. He believes the marriage could be saved and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. If there is any possibility for saving this marriage, please let us know and we could table this temporarily while the parties explore their options.
My first thought is that it comes across a little too strong and would feel like pressure. I don't know, though. I'm not sure how this stuff really comes across when it comes from a lawyer.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I have been where you are. I see three things:
#1) she doesn't believe your changes are real. She sees them as manipulative. #2) You should stop explaining. That sets you back. Make changes. Do not talk about them. #3) Keep doing it. It is the right thing to do. Do not let her control you.
How she responds should not be your measuring stick.
Your measuring stick should be internal. Did I make a positive change in my behavior? Plus one. Did I do something I know I should not have done? Minus one.
That's pretty much what my line of thinking was, with the exception of number 2 as that was a suggestion from my coach.
He doesn't see what benefit adding that language would really do. He asked, "Well, does she already know all of that?"
A lot of our discussion today focused on me not holding back on who I am. Being more open about joking around and laughing. Not worrying as much about how she might respond and just being the person I want to be. If I want to comment on something, or make a joke (even if it has some innuendo), or express my gratitude, then that's what I should do.
What do you guys think of changing what my ATTY suggested, to something like this:
Quote
W's ATTNY, thank you for sending me the requested documents. While CaptainN does not want this divorce and would prefer the parties sort through their problems together, he understands that W feels she needs to proceed. With that in mind...yada yada yada.
Short, reiterates the simple fact that I don't want this, but without pushing too much pressure, and is accepting of my W's needs.
I do not know if wordsmiths things makes a difference. Which ever one you like more, pick that one.
My believe is less words the more the impact. Say things from the heart in person rather than in writing. Do not do things that make you look weak. This is unattractive and turns women off.
Have the lawyer deal with the legal aspect of D. No emotional stuff. Get the pie cut in half as cheap as possible.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
