I forgot I also wanted to mention something else on my mind this morning re: that year H and I spent apart in college and now. When we became friends again then, he had changed in some ways (music interests, dress, etc.) but not fundamentally, and I do see him going through those same kinds of changes now, which makes me think yeah, yeah, this is another period where he's exploring his identity.
Is this the kind of thing that separates an MLC spouse from a WAS?
For example: He was so alien for six months after BD 1, and when, after the second BD/divorce talk, when he said he'd been pretending to be someone else for a long time and that I wouldn't like who he was now, it was just so clear to me that he didn't like who he was either. From the outside, it appeared he was miserable and angry and trying desperately to feel better.
Now he's less strange, more recognizable in a lot of ways, but still does things that are out of character: after the excessive drinking and partying slowed down in January, I noticed he started having pot edibles around, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's smoking from time to time, something he never did in college. In fact, he kind of looked down on people who *did.* Now, of course, it's no big deal where we live, but I found myself worrying about him today. Worried that he's just traded one kind of self-medicating (alcohol) for another, and... I just want him to get through this without hurting himself.
So I mostly go around feeling like he's living his life and making his own decisions and, you know, whatever. I observe from a distance. I've let myself get a bit closer to his world today. Wondering what it is like inside his head. Hoping and praying he gets to a place of peace within himself. I guess I should remember he probably has many ups and downs like I do, makes some progress within himself, takes two steps back, etc. I shouldn't let this scare me. It is just the nature of the thing.
I think that identity crisis can happen at any age, so for your H to have significant changes with his behavior and interests....it's definitely a way of him figuring himself out.
Talking about identity crisis, my H started to grow a mustache. he's never done this in the 10+ years I've known him.
If his ways are not affecting you too much, let him do his thing and see if he could figure it out...which I think you are already doing great with that.
It got me thinking and writing this morning. I posted about it on my thread.
In terms of finding themselves. I think the WAS is more exploring their identity, exploring who they are; while the MLCer has more lost their identity, lost who they are.
Each exhibit behaviours of exploring, growth, and such. The MLCer’s behaviour is more desperate and riskier. They need to feel something. They will try all kinds of stuff to run from their pain.
The WAS is not so desperate. They are more calculated.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I'm feeling scared and lonely. H has been less engaging this weekend, which isn't that surprising, since he goes back and forth all the time, and, really, how engaging can you be when you sleep in until 11 because you were out late? But in my state all bars, nightclubs, brewpubs, and wineries are now supposed to close to curb the spread of Covid-19. This was just announced. This means H will not be working his bartender gig. And my boss just let me know she's closing the store where I work for the time being to protect everyone's health (and because it's been slow with all this going on). I'm the only full-time employee. I guess I should apply for unemployment. I should be okay for the short term at least, because our finances aren't separated. But without my own income I don't feel comfortable paying for therapy sessions. I feel guilty for buying anything. I feel extra dependent on H.
I texted H when I heard about the bars, and he just texted back, "Whoa." I guess this means no concerts for him too, and no staying out late and drinking, unless it's at a friend's house.
I just arrived home and he's not here, and I feel so sad about everything that's happening in the world and that I can't lean on him, can't talk to him about my job and his job or, well, anything normal. I am angry at him. I just yelled into his empty room that I can't believe he blew up our life and I don't know why I married him, so... yeah, feeling a bit unmoored. I hate him. But I don't hate him. I miss him, and I love him. It's hard to deal with more uncertainty (job, town, world) on top of the craziness that already exists in my life. I'm sure a lot of you feel similarly. People who aren't going through WAS/MLC drama feel overwhelmed and anxious. This is a lot to cope with.
I am trying to remember tomorrow is a new day. Anything could happen, including good things. This is just a shaky moment.
The current world/country/local situation is a stressful one. The closing of businesses and services increases the stresses on patrons and employees. The cancellation of all social gatherings adds to the atmosphere.
That is the plan for the next few weeks. Further plans to get communities back up and running are being crafted. This will take time; which is good, for we want them to do it right. I am thankful for these preemptive measures, for delays would surely have increased the problems for getting the genie back in the bottle.
These current efforts and behaviours asked of us are only temporary. This is not permanent.
I do empathize with having no spouse to discuss this or anything with. Unmoored is an excellent description of that sensation. Please have faith, you will find your balance, your solid ground, and discover your anchor in life is you.
Take care.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I’ve been trying to regain my balance and doing okay. It feels like I’m entering a whole new world since H will be home more now because of the shelter in place order here, which starts tomorrow. The last two days he was home after work and quiet, no records. No eating. I was thinking it must be difficult for him to suddenly have his distractions taken away. He’s (more) alone with himself now. I’ve been enjoying my time at home and trying to do a little remote work for my boss when she has something for me. A little money.
H has been in his room all night, which is maybe 10 feet away on the other side of the wall. He listened to records tonight, including some heavy metal that was not calming (maybe it was to him!). Now he’s talking to someone on the phone, laughing like he used to laugh with me. It’s not the (girl) friend. One of his other friends. I feel so, so low. It’s incredibly difficult hearing him laugh and be silly when he’s been super quiet with me. I miss our way with each other so much right now. I miss him so much. I don’t know how I will get used to this if I have to hear him on the phone.
I was getting ready to head to sleep and I’m crying and just sitting here, trying to accept the reality of the world outside the house (worrying about my parents and grandparents) and of the reality in this house. I guess I could put headphones on? I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house. I am angry. I am sad. I am not feeling accepting. Why can’t we talk like we used to? Is he going to be here 24/7 now, but start ignoring me? Like I’m the one who’s making him stay home? If he has to work from home, and I don’t have space to fully relax during the day, it’s going to be a huge adjustment.
My coach on Monday said, “Who knows what effects a global pandemic might have on marriage rescue? This is new territory.” Of course this virus has me feeling extra love for everyone in my life. But even in the face of so much potential illness and death, all I’m feeling is indifference from H. I’m just someone who happens to have bought toilet paper before it all ran out—how convenient. Hearing him on the phone makes me feel like he’s rubbing that indifference in my face. I think—if I got sick, would he even notice or care?
I know I’m spinning, but it’s a shock, because I haven’t seen or heard him interact with anyone else since BD. It was all in another place, away from the house.
I am trying to remember what my friend said: It’s about him. And he may just need space to adjust to how weird life is for all of us right now.
This crisis has certainly change things up (DB wise) for me. Who knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow? What if our loved ones die? I am feeling anxious and scared because of the pandemic, but the only person I wish I could rely on and hold on to is someone who continues to show me indifference. The loneliness seems to be magnified now that the world is in crisis. I feel extremely worn out, having to worry about keeping our daily lives going and preparing for worst all on my own.
Your H is still living in his own bubble, just like mine. Hang in there, come here and vent. We probably all need each other here even more than ever during this period of craziness.
Wooba, I hear you on the loneliness and longing feeling magnified. It s*cks so much. Thanks for listening to me vent.
I’m in a place where I don’t trust myself to control my anger around H, so I’m trying to keep my distance. He came home tonight after gathering up everything he needed to work from home starting tomorrow (ugh) and told me a bit about the craziness at work. Then he went to his room and called who I think was the same person as last night. I was occupied with something and it didn’t bother me as much. The convo was all fluff, no substance. Felt more like a friend (but not even true friend) convo to me, but who knows. I get the feeling that’s all these new friends are—not share your deepest feelings kind of friends. I went on a walk, felt better. He was gone gone for a while and we had a few friendly exchanges when he got back.
But just now he started playing a record and said, Oh, I was going to tell you you might want to get some earplugs. If I’m trapped in here at night now I worry about making too much noise. I’ll be up all night.
Like, what, I said, screaming in the middle of the night?
You know, listening to music, being on the phone, he said, and you go to sleep at like 9:30.
Well, I have earplugs somewhere, I said, but maybe if you’re listening to music at 10:30 you can put headphones on?
The house is so small, he said.
So: I feel myself being walked over—At first I thought he was being considerate but alsoby the end he seemed to be saying, guess you’ll have to adapt to my schedule, even as his tone seemed nice. I didn’t continue the convo because I felt myself getting really angry.
How do I create an agreement like I would with a roommate? If you need to make calls or play music after 10, I’d appreciate if you’d use headphones? I guess the calls are something I would just have to get used to. Surely I can make enough noise in my room to drown those out and sleep. Or, like, right now, if I want to go to sleep and he’s listening to music too loud? I don’t think I should be the one who has to wear earplugs, but I also don’t want to be unreasonable.
I also recognize he has no way of coping if he can’t go out at night to concerts or bars with his friends. It seems clear, right, that he is going to struggle with this and has no idea how to be alone with his thoughts at night? He’s always been a night owl, but of course after BD spent many months out until the wee hours of the morning like a teenager. That had gotten somewhat less crazy. I guess I’m trying to find compassion here in my anger. He’s probably just as freaked out and uncomfortable with the thought that he can’t go out, and it’s not because I’m so terrible to share a house with. It’s because he’s dealing with a lot of stuff that I highly doubt he’s talking about with anyone, maybe his IC (though I still doubt that he really examines the hard stuff with her either), and I’m not sure if he’s able to see her at this point. And on the surface of course not even this pandemic is affecting him in any way. He’s not worried about loved ones—nope! There must be a lot he has to drown out.
But just now he started playing a record and said, Oh, I was going to tell you you might want to get some earplugs. If I’m trapped in here at night now I worry about making too much noise. I’ll be up all night.
Like, what, I said, screaming in the middle of the night?
You know, listening to music, being on the phone, he said, and you go to sleep at like 9:30.
Well, I have earplugs somewhere, I said, but maybe if you’re listening to music at 10:30 you can put headphones on?
The house is so small, he said.
So: I feel myself being walked over—At first I thought he was being considerate but alsoby the end he seemed to be saying, guess you’ll have to adapt to my schedule, even as his tone seemed nice. I didn’t continue the convo because I felt myself getting really angry.
How do I create an agreement like I would with a roommate? If you need to make calls or play music after 10, I’d appreciate if you’d use headphones?
You create an agreement like you would with a roommate.
You are getting walked all over on this. How would you behave if it wasn’t H? If you were not manipulating, or try to affect an outcome?
People will treat you the way you let them.
I said, but maybe if you’re listening to music at 10:30 you can put headphones on?
I said, I appreciate you worrying about making noise while up all night. If you’re listening to music or watching movies between 10:30pm and 08:00am you can put headphones on. It is night time, you can stay up if you want, the house will be quiet.
You don’t back down from this. There is no maybe. Treat him like the rebellious teenager he is. It works. He’ll sulk, and get mad. Let him. You have no need to placate him on this. It’s night time and he needs to demonstrate respect for others.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I'm so sorry, Cardinal. I am sure being there trapped with him without a buffer is really hard. I have kids so they are my buffer. My H is actually being a good roommate. His opposite is turning into a hermit. He used to be the social butterfly so the way he's being crazy is really to withdraw from everyone, except our kids. I am grateful for that.
Regarding the headphones/earplugs... I agree with DnJ. If this was a roommate situation, you would have to kindly ask them to create ground rules. It complicates things because of all your emotional enmeshment with him. Just take deep breaths before you have the talk. And self soothe, whatever that means for you... when you feel stressed, afraid or worried.
When I get like that, I do what Louis Hay says. I do my mirror work. I tell myself, "I love you. You are ok. You will get through this. You are enough." Then I sometimes rub my face like my spouse used to or literally hug myself. I am also blessed that I can ask my kids for a hug or to hold hands. Even them as teenagers understand with all we are going through this kind of affection is needed and soothing.
Be kind to yourself. Be patient with your progress. You are doing great. Blessings!
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
