And in the past when he has said he wanted to be over, he has eventually after some time started asking me to do things like hang out, which eventually led us to talking again. Should I (if he ever) decline to talk or hang out if he asks?
I'm starting to see this is a super unhealthy situation we had.
I would push. He would pull away. I would push and get upset he would say its over.
Then when I left him alone he would eventually come around. And I would always be there.
I seem to think that wont happen this time because the way he is acting. He isnt being mean anymore, he says he wishes me well but it's over. He seems sad this time but determined to not have anything to do with me.
Also he said after some time he wants to be friends maybe... which is what he said the first time he wanted a divorce except the first time he wanted a divorce he wanted to be friends immediately after and I could tell he still had feeling for me.
This time around he said after time he would like to. he legit wants nothing to do with me. Sorey I'm not thinking straight. I'm confused and I cant seem to stop thinking about him. I'm exhausted after work and just sitting here, miserable and no energy.
I am sorry I dont know if anyone has broken down on these boards before.
In addition to feeling awful about what is happening, today my husband texted me that he lost his position at work and had a breakdown in front of his supervisor at work.
Being an idiot I walked in the room with almost tears and he said he cant deal with my guilting him anymore. I cant help but to feel bad. I feel like he told me that so I would feel guilty but hes saying he cant deal with me guilting him.
I feel like I have ruined his life and hes just taking it all out on me now
Like others have said, you need to focus on yourself first. Not so much on how you should respond IF he comes around.
Examine your part of the damage done to the M and work on what you can improve on yourself. There is always something.
It may really be over, or it may not. What he thinks/decided is out of your control so focus on what you have control over - YOU.
Originally Posted by pharm75
Also he said after some time he wants to be friends maybe... which is what he said the first time he wanted a divorce except the first time he wanted a divorce he wanted to be friends immediately after and I could tell he still had feeling for me.
Would you want to be friends with him the way he is now? Would you want to be friends with yourself the way you currently are? Just something to think about. His words don't mean much.....don't read too much into it.
Originally Posted by pharm75
This time around he said after time he would like to. he legit wants nothing to do with me. Sorey I'm not thinking straight. I'm confused and I cant seem to stop thinking about him. I'm exhausted after work and just sitting here, miserable and no energy.
I am sorry that you are feeling down. You need to GAL, find other things to occupy your mind other than HIM. Marriage is only part of life, not life itself.
You're right. I really think hes going through a breakdown and I cant help but blame myself. I apologize profusely and he says he is okay the point of hearing sorry. What I havent done is ever heard a sorry front him. Its always me panicking at the thought of us not working, pushing him too far, leaving him alone for weeks at a time, him him him. I have some major issues with abandonement. I've beat myself up for years and tried counseling, skills workshops, all on my own. I never considered maybe we just aren't a good match and maybe he stinks for me. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I would even keep trying while neglecting myself. Any self help has been for him and us. So it was never really self help. I've never once considered his coping skills (the heavy drinking every day, the video game addictions, the isolation, the being up for 5 days and sleeping for almost 2 days, the refusal to talk to his family and then blaming it on me, the withholding finances, withholding affection, shutting down, etc) were all his issue alone. I've mulled over and over how can I make it better. I never once thought, I CANT, and just dropped it. My pushing has made us both worse. It is so so hard for me to let go. I think I need some serious soul searching. There were so many red flags I have ignored and I think at this point the only thing I can do is give up entirely on that. Which makes me wonder why I'm even on this board now. I signed up wanting to know how to save US when I think what I need to do is save myself.
Sounds like you both have a lot of big emotions right now.
You need some time and space to sort out what is yours and what is his (emotionally). I sense a lot of entanglement which creates this fog of confusion.
Do you really feel you ruined his life? I hope not. Guilt, shame, feeling fundamentally “bad”... these are not typically healthy emotions because they make assumptions about your fundamental character.
The thing is... yes I do. I do feel I have ruined his life by all the things he is telling me. But then I look back and I think on facts, and they don't always line up. This causes me confusion.
Here is what I do admit. I do admit I have problems with insecurity and jealousy. I wrote about it in my other post. But, I did tell him all of this about myself before we got married. In fact, I used to speak in great depth about my problems and he always assured me we would work on them. (Promised me that he would go to counseling if we ever needed to. That was not true. He has refused since we got married. He also added me to accounts when we were engaged, normal things people joining a union would do. But then the first big fight we had, he removed me from all accounts and has never given me access to them again. Didnt put my name on the house deed when we bought a house.) Looking back on it, I see now that his idea of "working on it" was just to avoid doing anything that would make me question him. There have been a few times I have said, "Look, I know I am this way. I hate it about myself. I wish that you would work with me. If you feel you want to go do something, don't NOT do it. Just keep me informed, and I will learn to be okay with it as long as you and I can keep an open line of communication and we are respecting each other." He would always say he didn't feel that I meant it and it was easier to just avoid it altogether. Then he would resume not doing anything, always drinking heavily in his recliner playing video games for hours and hours.
The only social interaction he ever has is whoever he talks to at work and to people on his video games. So, last week when I returned from staying at my mother's house at almost 6 in the morning and heard him talking to a female on his phone, I freaked out. It isn't the norm. Why would he wait until after he tells me he is done, after I leave to take a break at my mom's, to begin talking/laughing to some girl at 6 am?
I lost it. He became enraged. Said it was a friend and "he can't even talk to friends". I felt horrible, apologized profusely. It didnt matter.
Why couldnt he have done these things and worked with me when we were getting along? Why wait until he says he is done to take back his lost freedom? I used to write him handwritten letters asking him to go to counseling. To work on us. To tell him marriage takes work and nurturing and I want to nip things in the bud before they become big issues.
He also says I am the reason he doesn't talk to his family. That's not right. There have been many times I have invited his family to come for the holidays. He would say don't. I would encourage him to call his mom and his sister on their birthdays, he wouldn't... When he came back from overseas, (we were newly married) he wanted to go with me and I said well dont you want to stop at your moms? You havent seen her in so long. He refused. He didnt even want me to bring them to the airport, and I thought that was so weird. It seemed off. Looking back, I see now that it was weird. He doesnt talk to his father and I have never met his father because apprently he is a real pos, beat him as a child. The only person I was uncomfortable with in his family and spoke up about was his brother. Before I even met his brother he would tell me how he is a drug addict, a pu**y hound", etc. I immediatley was on edge after hearing that. And the time his brother DID come to visit, they ended up at a strip club. I only found out about it because I found reciepts he left out. He lied and said he as going somewhere else that night. It wasnt the first time he lied about where he was. He lied when he was on deployment, got off the phone with me and said he was going to bed, called me the next day telling me how he broke his hand. I asked how did you do that? He said I was out at the bar. I said i thought you were going to sleep? Oooops.
So, am I controlling? Yes. Trust issues? Yes. Bgi time. I hate it about myself. Its ruined my life and my relatioships. But not everything he is blaming me for is true. He makes the choice to not work with me to overcome this and other issues. He makes the choice to drink almost 12 beers a night and jerk off to porn while I cry because he hasnt touched me in so long. He makes the choice to refuse to tell me about his day, and then get mad that I supposedly never ask him about how he is... He has shut me down so many times. So so many times I cant even count. Even when we are getting along, I would ask him things, about how work is, etc. He wouldnt want to talk. So im just confused how his perception is what it is.
But there are things I am ashamed of. The not trusting him. The accusing (i have accused him quite a bit). The repeated texts and phone calls when he would ask to be left alone. those things i feel bad about, ive always felt bad about them....
I feel like even if i detach and work on myself, he will still always blame me and never work on himself. I keep bending and bending... (seeking therapy when he wouldnt, i quit drinking and I found myself a job after he grew resentments towards me for staying home even though before we got married he said that was what he wanted) he has remained the same and become more rigid with time.
Hello everyone. Been a few weeks. Since I posted last, I found out husband was deploying because of the coronavirus. Now he is on standby.
I LOST it when I found out. I was angry and acted as such, I was devastated and acted as such. Bawled for an entire day. At one poi t I asked for a hug because I was just so upset and scared I wouldnt see him again (hes a heavy smoker and I was worried he would get the virus and well.. I was being irrational. I asked him did it bother him that I hugged him and I am crying and his voice cracked a bit and he said no and "you think all this doesnt effect me?"
Since then we got a long much better. We still fight as always but not the all out wars like a few weeks ago. We even hung out and went to Home Depot. Big improvement. But when I mentioned "us" like I knew I shouldn't have... he was like, "stop. We are still getting divorced. I havent changed my mind. We dont work we dont get along it was too much strain and fighting... please stop bringing it up because I have to hurt you over and over and it's getting tiresome."
I guess he enjoys being friendly on his terms and that is working ok for him but for me its torture. I want him and I cannot have him. I get excited when we get along and then he reminds me we are friends nothing more.
what do you all think of this? I recently moved my couch from the living room into the room I have been sleeping in and made myself a pretty nice what feels like a studio apartment. I did this because it allows me more space and privacy.
Should I be distancing from him and doing no contact?
Or should I be playing it cool, pretending I expect nothing, getting hurt over and over deep down?
And for those who did tell me to GAL. Well, I picked up more hours at work. But I genuinely do not like my job at the moment. Also, I have no friends and worh the quarantine happening I cannot get out right now. I feel so depressed and this added global crisis is making it even more hard!
