Affair Fog-LRT

[Mumin]

Hi kto, sorry you are here!
First i would suggest you read my sitch. It is quite similar.
Reading is always good. Sandi on WW is VERY good!
You have a huge amount of advice her in just a couple of days.
Take your time, so far you are doing good but detachment will take a LONG time.

Ending MC is good (even if going separately). MC is always a form of pursuit.
GAL! it is hard in the beginning (I still need to actively remember to GAL everyday) but it really helps!
Only you are responsible for your own happiness!

About your daugher, I REALLY feel for you!
The worst day of my life was not BD it was some time in December when I realized the effect on my kids, not seeing them every day and how I was no longer in full control of their wellbeing. It is really hard to accept and for me I will probably always be angry at W for how she treated this whole mess with regards to the kids.
However do make sure to talk to her (daughter) about this! Tell her whats happening. Be very practical about things.
My IC told me something good though, the most important part for kids is that they have both parents physically and emotionally available. Not every day, maybe not even every week but over time. So allow your D to have her time with W, you have no control over that anymore. I Highly suggest you stop FaceTime every day. W is in control and it might even make things worse for you D.

She doesn't live in the home anymore. She moved out on BD.

Do you co-own the house? Prenup?
If she is in anyway entitled to the house then you can not keep her out. Simple as that.


This is a marathon!

[kto626]

That does sound similar to my situation. The house is in my name and she's never put a penny towards it. Unfortunately, that does really matter in many states in the US. So with that said I won't lock the doors or change the locks.

I'm still reading through all of your posts but how did you guys turnout? I'm struggling to detach and not talk. I'm torn about the FaceTime because I've always been my daughters main support (with my W always going out on weekends) and I want to at least talk to her. It may be a change I need to make soon but we are 6 weeks in.

Today, after telling my W to only contact about our daughter if necessary, she texted asking how she was. Then asking me about my work. I swear she's trying to reel me back in. I didn't respond to the work question but I did answer the question about my daughter.

She has said so many things to reel me in. "I'm not sure if I want a divorce", "I'm don't want to be with you right now", when the MC asked if there could be an us, "Not right now". She keeps leaving the door slightly open. That's what makes things hard.

Any tips you have Mumin would help. Thank you.

[Traveler]

I'm still reading through all of your posts but how did you guys turnout?

It was a rollercoaster. She moved out on BD, months 1-2 we had limited interaction, months 3-4 I got that coveted second chance (she offered reconciliation living separately), months 5-7 I got on-board with that. Ultimately, I couldn't tolerate continued screaming, instability, and not admitting to others we were a couple.

I can vouch for personal 180s, GAL, self-compassion, delaying emotional decisions, and validation. These techniques are groundbreaking in romantic relationships and beyond. I wish I applied them sooner.

Turning around relationships is slow, worth it more when kids are involved. I should've cut the line sooner. We see--what?--maybe 40% reconciliation? The techniques are helpful no matter the outcome. I'm thankful I found this forum--and to AnotherStander, Ben, HopeCA, Job, Kristin, LBH, May, Ocean, R2C, Steve, Unchien, etc. My life is happier now and I'm content with my decision to move onward and upward.

[kto626]

That is reassuring and good advice. I've just started to let go of the rope and realize it will be a long hall. I'm realizing (slightly) that dropping the rope is for me and not to get her back. The MC said yesterday that she's mentally unstable and he could tell for a little while (we saw him for months before BD) I am now going to make him my IC because I told W I'm no longer going with her...which means she won't go to him but is saying she will continue with her IC...we will see.

This site is a Godsend. I'm so thankful the vets are here for us all. Thank you for what you all do!

[kto626]

Rough night sleep. Can't keep my rain from replaying the videos I found that she made him. I wish I never saw those.
Is 40% reconciliation an accurate number after an affair? I thought it would be less.

Today's goal...detach, detach, detach. Even though I want to reach out so bad. I also need to think about FaceTime every night with our daughter. It's just another way to hear her voice and that makes it harder to detach. But then I miss my daughter if I don't (we split 50/50 time).

One more thing, Last week at our MC (the last one cuz I said I'm not going anymore), she told the MC she was writing a letter to give me because she communicates best that way (otherwise she gets defensive and angry in person). I haven't gotten anything. I asked about it, which I shouldn't have, a few days ago (before I told her I'm going to focus on me and end MC and set boundaries) and she said she was still writing it. Honestly, I want it to see what it says. My guess is she rewrites it every time her mood changes. Remember, she has told me she misses me and that she doesn't want to be with me within a few hours of each other. The R talk has stopped, and it was mainly at the beginning but I think she heard me say I wanted her back so she was just solidifying me as her plan b do she can go test drive the OM.

I feel dumb wanting her back still. Detach, detach, detach.

[MrBrside]

Is 40% reconciliation an accurate number after an affair? I thought it would be less.

You are still focusing on the odds of getting her back after an affair. I think this number is high.. Not necessarily becuase the WW doesnt want it, but because her mindset returning ( if ever ) could take years - and by that time any healthy minded individual would have realised lifes too short and moved on anyway. But again - this isn't what your mind should focus on.

One more thing, Last week at our MC (the last one cuz I said I'm not going anymore), she told the MC she was writing a letter to give me because she communicates best that way (otherwise she gets defensive and angry in person). I haven't gotten anything. I asked about it, which I shouldn't have, a few days ago (before I told her I'm going to focus on me and end MC and set boundaries) and she said she was still writing it. Honestly, I want it to see what it says.

Why ? - you can't believe anything she says anyway..

My guess is she rewrites it every time her mood changes

You hit the nail on the head here - WW emotions are up, down and sideways - throw the mentially unstable comments into the mix and you really wont have a clue whats shes thinking or where her head is at - What she says 1 minute is disregarded 5 minutes later - and she will probably deny saying it. Hence stop the communication with her, other that child logistics.. As it will mess with your head.

[kto626]

Does anyone have links on detaching and finding the strength to actually do it? Something I can turn to in a moment of weakness? I can't get the anxiety under control and constantly feel miserable 😔

[LH19]

It’s in the links you get in the beginning.

Have you tried meditation?

[Thornton]

I also suffered from horrible anxiety during BD. It was relentless.

What worked for me is hitting the gym, hard. Put on some angry music in your earbuds and lift some heavy weights. It will do wonders for your anxiety and as an added benefit, you'll get ripped.

[Mumin]

I'm realizing (slightly) that dropping the rope is for me and not to get her back.

This is very important. Remind yourself of this when you GAL!
IT is still hard for me. Did I renovate our daughters room to show her? Yeah Probably a bit. But it made D very happy and that makes me feel tremendous!
Did I like it when W said I have started to look buff after 9 months of persistent gym? Yes! But Im doing it mostly for me. Eventually it will be ONLY for me if we D and sell the house.


For me the videos/pictures have sort of been forgotten. I can remember them vividly when I think about them but they dont mean as much anymore and most important I dont think about them much anymore.

Why ? - you can't believe anything she says anyway.

.
Also very important! I would NOT ask again about the letter and do not expect to get it.
Mine has also said she would write... Nothing! Probably totally forgot about it.

I feel for you in the anxiety and stress! IT is tough! GAL like a crazy person.
For me exercise at the gym and playing video games are great ways to relieve the mind.
Video games is maybe not something you should show WW but for me it really helps to take my mind of things for a few hours.
I have a very hard time meditating but if that works for you its great!


Our turnout is till to be decided.
W lives 50% at our house 50% with OM. Kids live here 100%. I live out of the house but spend a lot of time in the city, at gym, at work, with brother etc when she has her time with the kids.
Right now I feel like I will file for D and sell the house to get my own place and move on for real.
DO NOT want to share her with someone else and I need to take responsibility for mine and my kids happiness.
One of my biggest questions right now is if we sell our house. Do I get a house or do I get an apartment?
How do I want to live in this new reality?
Will give it time and a lot of thought first though.