Do you think maybe you are trying to push things along so you know how it will end? Maybe letting go of some unknown expectations you are carrying would help. You're doing so amazing keeping yourself grounded and graceful (at least in front of H). I'm really happy to see how far he has come since just a few short months ago. Hang in there.
I'm trying my hardest not to push. I'm trying to let him take the lead on everything. I just take my space when I need it. And when it feels like he needs space I give it to him. I don't initiate R talks. I don't initiate sex. I don't ask him to come to bed. I don't ask anything of him really. I just kind of exist in our space and try to be as much of myself as I can. I try to catch what he throws and throw it back to the best of my ability. I do realize I said pull the rug out from under me, but I don't mean that in the sense of me feeling like he's all in and then he'll take it away. More like he's being human, and kind, and thoughtful again. He's communicating and being my friend. My fear with the rug being pulled out from under me is that I'll wake up one day and he'll just be a stranger again. The affair never bothered me as much a people think it should. Him stealing my sense of security in our lives, and taking away my best friend is what killed me. I don't want to be blindsided like that again. Most of my expectations are out the damn window because that move out date is fluid now. So when I say limbo sukks, it does, because I, the control freak, have zero ability to mentally prepare myself for any thing so expectations aren't really a thing. It's all just trying to deal with the anxiety of I have no idea where any of this is going.
Originally Posted by cardinal
It's the constantly thinking that you can work on controlling, right? Both of those scenarios are in the unknown future, and they don't need your energy. (Easier said than done, yes, because I struggle with this too, so of course I am typing it out here!) Just person-who-looks-like-H/cat/roommate, hour by hour, day by day. In the present.
...I feel like the part of me that aspires toward a more zen-like attitude would say, you can just exist, you can get to this place, even if it is only fleeting, only for a few minutes sometimes, you can get there, you have been there, you are there, etc.
The trying to predict the future is very much me trying to get control where there's none to be had. And striving to just be in the moment is what I'm trying my hardest to do. It was a point of contention in the MR that I was always trying to navigate life 10 steps ahead and it often distracted me from being in the moment. I know this is something I need to work on for personal growth, period.
Originally Posted by may22
All sounds really positive, IMO. It very well may be that you have not processed some of the feelings you have about your mom and other things because of the trauma of the sitch with your H... and I wouldn't say that is worrisome, it is totally normal and to be expected. And maybe a sign that you can unclench just a bit inside and start to let some of those feelings out... I think it is a good thing, esp with a good IC to support you. It won't be easy but then what of this is?
My bff brought this up basically saying maybe I couldn't control my tears because for the first time in a long time I was able to cry about something that wasn't this marriage falling apart. The wall came down the the flood gates opened. I find it worrisome because it makes me feel like all the progress I've made with my depression is fake. I guess that's the best way I could put it. Like all of it was a bandaid and it's not going to stick because I never really dug down and did the real work.
Originally Posted by may22
I feel like the time on my own with H traveling is so helpful because I do have that space to just be myself (though I'm mostly just being myself with my H now too, because, well, F it... but TBH I'm sure I'm more capable of handling and being the calm collected version of myself because I have that outlet. Any way you can carve out time for yourself where you aren't necessarily out GALing with friends or whatever but just relaxing on your own and just BEING without worries about how it appears or doesn't appear?
I have a very, very difficult time with this. Since OW is out of the picture, and the marathon is creeping up H is home ALL THE TIME. And home was my safe space. Because I anticipated him only really being there a few nights a week and I knew how long I'd have to be on my own. I've been encouraging him to reconnect with friends that checked out during the A. Partially because he needs the friendship, partially because he needs to make amends, and partially because I want him gone...lol. We have terrible weather this time of year, so I can't like go out and hike or something. If it isn't snowing and windy, it's blistering cold and windy, or as it's been more lately rainy, cold and windy. I've been retreating to the MBR a lot lately to just read during the week. But that doesn't stop H from coming in and talking to me, or D17 from plopping down and doing her homework next to me. Or D16 from plopping down and watching her weird teen dramas on her phone next to me. Or my favorite all of them. So super long story, not short, no I can't escape these people for me time, unless I'm at the gym or in the shower Sun-Thurs. Weekends I can find a little more space. But not much.
Originally Posted by wooba
Put yourself first. Take care of yourself. That is in your control and you will be the one to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
It’s always better for emotions and issues to come out as a surprise than not coming out at all.
*hugs
Thank you wooba. I know these are things I need to deal with, I just wasn't prepared to be adding insult to injury as it were. But a better me is a better me, even in it's painful to get there.
On the maybe not fully dealing with the issues and thinking you had... that is hard. I totally get it. But if it is the case it also... just *is*, right? It is what it is, nothing you can do about the past. If that is the case then you'll deal with it just like you're dealing with everything else. Like a boss.
On carving out time for yourself... I don't know if this is the case where you live but in a lot of places hotels rooms are super cheap right now, even super swanky ones. Can you do something like that this week?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
On carving out time for yourself... I don't know if this is the case where you live but in a lot of places hotels rooms are super cheap right now, even super swanky ones. Can you do something like that this week?
I wish you could too may you guys would get along swimmingly I think.
And with the panic now spreading through the Midwest I don't see alone time happening anytime soon. Cheap hotel or not. I in fact see myself being locked up in a small space with H coming up very quickly. We had very few confirmed cases in our state, but as I work in government and work closely with non-profits I'm finding out there are a ton of people being quarantined in the last few days. My kids' schools sent out emails stating that if even 1 kid gets quarantined they are switching over to online classes and the schools are closing until TBD. My work has sent out several emails and instituted temporary work from home and "sick time" borrowing policies. All business travel is cancelled. All external meeting are to be done by teleconference or Skype. Internal meetings with external partners or vendors are to be done with the external people via teleconference or Skype. A person at H's work was quarantined. That person only travels within the state so things are starting to get a lil dicey here. I do have to say though it is nice to have something else to panic about....lol
The kids are going by the other families while we're still going to let them this weekend so I think the next few weeks in general are going to be interesting for us. Honestly I have a feeling it's going to be interesting for a lot of folks on here.I'll probably be pretty absent on here after today as I now have to be the prepper I never wanted to be because very soon even if we don't get quarantined I may very well have 2 teens home all day every day for god only knows how long. Oh PS they cycle at the same time too and that should be coming up in a week or so here, so that's fun..... God help me.
The wine will definitely help. We are totally stocked up as well and ready for a lot of home time. Scary.
Time to get into a new TV series or something? TV is sometimes better than reading because people are less likely to just plop down and start talking to you if you're watching a show vs. reading a book... in my house at least.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I’m really wishing I knew how to knit right about now. It’s too rainy here to work outside this weekend. We have cases in our county, so everything is closing, and I’m guessing the place I work might close next week, since no one’s shopping. I’ll probably be home without pay...all of this virus stuff seemed slightly surreal against the backdrop of my weird roommate situation with H, and now it seems very real and we haven’t even said anything about it to each other yet, which... I think is making me sort of mad! The world is ending! (Okay, not really, but this an unprecedented situation we find ourselves in.)
Can we all have a movie marathon? Good luck with the synced cycles, wayfarer!
The kids are going by the other families while we're still going to let them this weekend so I think the next few weeks in general are going to be interesting for us. Honestly I have a feeling it's going to be interesting for a lot of folks on here.I'll probably be pretty absent on here after today as I now have to be the prepper I never wanted to be because very soon even if we don't get quarantined I may very well have 2 teens home all day every day for god only knows how long. Oh PS they cycle at the same time too and that should be coming up in a week or so here, so that's fun..... God help me.
This is hilarious. Good luck. Toilet paper is a hot commodity right now. People are stocking up so much that only the expensive stuff is left. As an anxious prepper...rice, beans, rubbing alcohol, vinegar, can go a long way.
May be a good time to get another streaming service, or kindle unlimited!
On a serious note, I'm sure tensions are still high and itll be uncomfortable at times. When you wrote about everyone coming to you when you're reading, do you enjoy that or does it bother you on some level? If it bothers you, it could be a needed boundary, allowing you needed alone time. If you like it and are joking about it, enjoy. Personally, I love togetherness, even when youre focusing on different things.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
May, Things are weird. As weird as I anticipated them to be. H is super engaged & around. Helping me prep like the pyscho that I’ve become. So helpful. So involved with the family. The sex is insane and constant. I asked a friend who is working on her masters in psychology if hysterical bonding can be done by the betrayer. Because it’s getting that ridiculous. He sleep sleeps with me intermittently. Still super careful around the girls. If they are checked out for the night before we are he’s in bed with me. Otherwise on the couch. But he’s still supposedly still prepping to leave. I have no idea what’s going on. Like everything else right now I’m just rolling with it. Because there is no book or real guidance I can find for what ever the h3ll this is. Even my IC is like “ lay boundaries where you need them you gotta let it play out to see what happens.” It’s a mess and it sounds like we’re living like this for at least another month. So so be it. The girls are so happy to have him engaged and here. That’s what matters most to me.
hysterical bonding....ha I feel it on my end. If my H didn't come into contact with someone from high risk loc recently I probably would have asked him to move back or stay with me for one night. DB probably wasn't written for M crisis in a time of a coronavirus pandemic. lol.
. DB probably wasn't written for M crisis in a time of a coronavirus pandemic. lol.
lol this is so true! I don’t know how the heck to deal with my WAH during this time! I can’t ask for help here as this is unchartered territory!
WF, your H behaviour is so bizarre and erratic! You must feel like you are going mad. Why do you believe he is still leaving? Is it because he’s said it again, or b3cause he hasn’t said anything to say he isn’t leaving?
Hang in there! I’m thinking we will see a lot of changes in people over the coming weeks as they reflect more on life x
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
