it's just quite strange and something is off. It's not MC when you both go alone. Why would you have the same IC as your W? What benefit do you see to this?
I saw you mentioned that you think this will help her out of her fog...I don't think it will. I think time and space will though.
I also saw on page 1 therapy is to figure it out if you want a divorce and to mediate? This just doesn't make sense either.
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Before I proposed Tgi's he said coming together will help us process this for the sake of our daughter, at he very least.
What does this mean?
It means he wanted us to communicate so resentment, anger, etc would go away. I thought he meant process this to be able get there. But you are right, she doesn't really process anything and she still is giving me trickle truths and/or lies.
she doesn't really process anything and she still is giving me trickle truths and/or lies.
You hit the nail on the head.. Typical WW behaviour..
Communication will not make anything go away - communication isnt the issue. The issue is that your wife has gone. Get used to the lies - 99% of what she says now will be lies..
Alls you can do is drop the rope and work on YOU - not for her - For YOU.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
It means he wanted us to communicate so resentment, anger, etc would go away. I thought he meant process this to be able get there. But you are right, she doesn't really process anything..
You have anger and resentment to work through? I guess that's natural when she's cheated on you and continues to cheat on you. I've let go of most of my anger and resentment in IC and have been "no contact" during the process. I truly don't see any benefits in expressing to her "I'm angry at you for xxx" or "I'm resentful at you for yyy". When I did that was attachment--a desire for her to finally get it and apologize and make it all better. But even when I was there I realized if she wasn't in a place to say "Omigosh! What have I been doing?! I'm going to work for it.." she also wasn't in a place to hear me! It'd just be another criticism to add to her pile, another point against reconciliation. If by some oddity we reconciled a third time, I'd set boundaries based on the past, even then I doubt I'd vent about it. Not much left to vent.
Originally Posted by kto626
But you are right, she doesn't really process anything and she still is giving me trickle truths and/or lies.
OIC. You meant you're focusing on her instead of you and want these sessions to fix her, and you're beginning to see the futility--she won't process and let go of anger and resentment until she's ready to. Right now she may want to keep it, so it's easier to lie to you and enjoy her affair partner.
To update you all. I went to the MC tonight by myself and he said end the couples therapy. There is no point to work on us. He advised me to tell her and to set boundaries. He will see me individually since he knows our situation. I'm hurt and scared. But here I go...I have to try to move forward. Thank you all for your support.
I agree with your therapist. And it’s going to be the best option in regards to getting her back. She has to respect you before she will love you. And taking back your power is one way to get her respect. Your goal should be to get her to feel like she’s going to lose you.
Be strong and come here for advice when you aren’t sure what to do. We have some great vets here that will get you pointed in the right direction.
To update you all. I went to the MC tonight by myself and he said end the couples therapy. There is no point to work on us. He advised me to tell her and to set boundaries. He will see me individually since he knows our situation. I'm hurt and scared. But here I go...I have to try to move forward. Thank you all for your support.
It is hurtful and scary. But it gets better and you can do this. You will find a strength in you that you didn't know you had. Keep coming here and posting. There is so much good help here.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
To update you all. I went to the MC tonight by myself and he said end the couples therapy. There is no point to work on us. He advised me to tell her and to set boundaries. He will see me individually since he knows our situation. I'm hurt and scared. But here I go...I have to try to move forward. Thank you all for your support.
It is hurtful and scary. But it gets better and you can do this. You will find a strength in you that you didn't know you had. Keep coming here and posting. There is so much good help here.
I hope it gets better. I want to reach out to her so bad. That anxious feeling in my stomach has come back like it's d-day all over again.
I hope it gets better. I want to reach out to her so bad. That anxious feeling in my stomach has come back like it's d-day all over again.
You need to start working on you.
When not with your daughter, focus on what you can control.
Start to get your affairs in order ( financnes etc ) Member of a gym ? join or hit the gym Hobbies - what did you like doing before you met WW - do it agin - or take up new hobbies Reading ? educate your mind
Keep yourself busy doing productive things.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Take a deep breath, breathe. Nothing earth-shattering has occurred. Your therapist simply has detected the same thing folks here have been telling you, that she was just going through the motions with MC. The fact is that MC gave you a false sense of hope. You felt like, and even expressed here, that as long as she was attending that you felt there was a chance.
The truth is that there is always a chance. That is what DBing is about. But that chance is not helped by MC. In fact, I'd argue that when you have a WAS MC actually does more harm than good. It is just like saying "ILY" to a WAS. Every time you say "ILY" it reminds them that they do not feel the same way. Likely MC was doing the same thing for her. It was reinforcing to her the fact that she isn't into the MR anymore and doesn't want to save it.
So one day you may look back and see that this was a turning point in your sitch. As much anxiety has it has induced for you now, one day you may realize the wisdom in this decision.
kt, what you need to remember is that your W met and fell for a guy that was off doing his own thing, years ago. But overtime your lives became so intertwined that you lose that mojo that attracted her in the beginning. That is what DBing aims to do. To reawaken that guy she fell for. That is what GAL is all about. It reminds the WAS that their LBS was an exciting, thriving individual with a whole world that didn't include them. Imagine how unattractive it would be that after one date a person was immediately and hopelessly attached to someone. That someone would collapse under the weight of that kind of pressure. Well MR can get to that point point as well. Slowly, over time, as the intertwining becomes more and more, so to does the pressure. It is kind of like boiling a frog by slowly increasing the temperature of the water. Over time that temperature becomes hot enought to boil the frog. Over time, the pressure building on being codependent builds until one spouse collapses underneath the weight of that pressure.
So GAL.Keep doing IC and improve yourself. Learn about self-differentation and detachment so that you can become that healthy, functioning individual that originally attracted your W.
Most of all, stop holding on so tightly. Let go of the rope. Give her the time and space she needs. Remove ALL pressure and do not pursue her. Remember, humans are strange creatures. We want what we can't have. And reject things that are too easily obtained. Become the former, not the latter for her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I hope it gets better. I want to reach out to her so bad. That anxious feeling in my stomach has come back like it's d-day all over again.
That anxious feeling is totally normal. When people say this will be a rollercoaster, its no joke. The ups and downs can be crazy making at times. It does get better. Quicker if you put the work in. I thought early on that the only thing that would make me feel better is to reconcile however after some time working on myself, I'm feeling better than before BD and am excited about either future. With or without W.
What's helped the most is time, followed by GAL. More thoughts:
Set achievable goals and nail them Exercise, if you do already then try something new. Spinning, swimming, classes, mma. Keep up on IC. Root out your issues. Understand what you did wrong in your M so it doesnt happen again. Try new foods When you spend time on yourself, appreciate it Chase your anxiety, dont let it chase you Religion, if you have one, get some focus on it Read Ready2Changes recommended books
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
