I got left for OW after 30 years. He doesn't know that we all know and doesn't know I'm divorcing him. Has no idea S19 caught him.
He's one of those grumpy people, judgemental, and not all that fun to be around. Gets tired easily, works a lot, thinks money buys happiness. He was fun when it was something he wanted to do but that made me feel used (sex). Honestly it's not a huge loss having him gone but it bothers me monumentally that he's with OW. The kids miss their previous lifestyle but not him personally. It didn't have to be this way but I could never get him to see that. He blamed everything on me and walked out. It hurts.
It didn't have to be this way but I could never get him to see that. He blamed everything on me and walked out. It hurts.
It's a lot easier to walk out if you deny any responsibility. Common for the WAS. Just like it's common for the LBS to assume almost all the responsibility.
Spoke too soon. Couldn’t sleep and had nightmares. I feel terrible. My M wasn’t bad enough to throw away 30 years. It could have been fixed but instead he just moved on without warning. I miss everything and I’m triggering a lot these past couple of weeks. Going in to work late today. Trying to pull it together. I never thought he’d leave. I’m so sad and hurting.
I got hit with more work than I can possibly get done. I think it will last forever just like the pain of being a LBS will last forever. Sometimes no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise I feel like this is my life now. I think it comes from the part where I know I'm looking at years which seems like forever. How did ya'll stay grounded knowing you're looking at a long time to heal?
I got hit with more work than I can possibly get done. I think it will last forever just like the pain of being a LBS will last forever. Sometimes no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise I feel like this is my life now. I think it comes from the part where I know I'm looking at years which seems like forever. How did ya'll stay grounded knowing you're looking at a long time to heal?
kas,
That's the depression talking; it will literally kill you. You see no way out of your situation which triggers more fear and anxiety and everything spirals out of control. You've taken the first step forward, which is to get the appropriate medication. The other part is much harder; getting control of your negative thoughts. You will get through this but you just can't see that right now. Hang in there and get the help you need. This will pass.
Is there any way that you can delegate some of the work that has been assigned to you and your unit? Is there any way that you can go to your supervisor and advise him/her that you are unable to take on the additional work because you are attempting to get a handle on what you've already been assigned?
The pain that you are feeling as a LBS will not last forever. Right now, you are grieving for the loss of the relationship/marriage and it's going to take some time to move through the stages of grief. You are going to have good moments and then bad moments. It's like one step forward, two steps back. Eventually, you will be moving forward and not taking steps backwards. Feel the pain, allow it to wash over you and then release it. I know, that sounds crazy, but the only way to get through the grieving process is through it and not around it.
Try to focus on a second, then a minute, then an hour and eventually each day. Don't try to look too far into the future. Just focus on today and what you can accomplish today. Tomorrow will take care of itself in due time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That's the depression talking; it will literally kill you. You see no way out of your situation which triggers more fear and anxiety and everything spirals out of control. You've taken the first step forward, which is to get the appropriate medication. The other part is much harder; getting control of your negative thoughts. You will get through this but you just can't see that right now. Hang in there and get the help you need. This will pass.
I've taken these meds before and despite doing well on them I did not want to take them again. The whole concept of "controlled substance" bothers me. My dr says cut the pills in half to keep the dose super low says there is no reason for me to suffer needlessly. I've only been taking them when I'm having a full on meltdown.
Your words make me want to cry because they are true.
Is there any way that you can delegate some of the work that has been assigned to you and your unit? Is there any way that you can go to your supervisor and advise him/her that you are unable to take on the additional work because you are attempting to get a handle on what you've already been assigned?
My boss is great. We're all spread thin so he just told me this morning to do what I can. He says he knows I'm a perfectionist and that I have to let that go. He told me just do a little at a time and that it would be okay.
Quote
The pain that you are feeling as a LBS will not last forever. Right now, you are grieving for the loss of the relationship/marriage and it's going to take some time to move through the stages of grief. You are going to have good moments and then bad moments. It's like one step forward, two steps back. Eventually, you will be moving forward and not taking steps backwards. Feel the pain, allow it to wash over you and then release it. I know, that sounds crazy, but the only way to get through the grieving process is through it and not around it.
I'm doing this to the best of my ability then I lose it spiraling into thoughts of I'm going to feel this way forever. I get into other bad thoughts that serve no purpose whatsoever.
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Try to focus on a second, then a minute, then an hour and eventually each day. Don't try to look too far into the future. Just focus on today and what you can accomplish today. Tomorrow will take care of itself in due time.
Honestly it's not a huge loss having him gone but it bothers me monumentally that he's with OW.
What previous loss does this experience take you back to?
I still miss him and our intact family. I'm acknowledging that despite the part where we struggle life is a bit more fun without his grumpy, opinionated self in it. I feel like she took what was supposed to be ours. Our financial security, my husband, their father, etc. The loss is a feeling of being thrown away and replaced by what is probably some 30 year old. I'm probably not saying anything that any other LBS hasn't said at one point after being replaced by a younger model.
On losses there are too many to count. I know I have childhood wounds that haven't healed.
kml the only way I got any love from my parents was by doing whatever they wanted me to do. I was miserable and having a lot of physical health issues which ultimately landed me into IC. Started setting boundaries and I got dumped. 33 years (ironic I know) of doing everything they asked me to do they kicked me to the curb. Discarded like a piece of garbage.
I married my mother and the judgmental part of my father. Mom was emotionally unavailable, rarely happy, nothing I did was good enough, etc. I married H to heal this wound, this time I'd get it right only I didn't. 30 years later he left too and he didn't just leave he REPLACED me. My mother loved the dog more than me and yes she admitted it. So yeah this hurts because I never fully dealt with first loss. I just replaced her with a string of emotionally unavailable men H just happened to be the one I married.
I've had a lot of IC and I've wanted to fix this for a very long time. Living with H was like touching this abandonment wound daily and now here is my opportunity to heal. He triggered every insecurity I had then when I got upset he got to feel better about himself.
I've been dark for 7 months now. He kept pushing my buttons so I had to cut him off.
So - the issue isn't really H leaving - you yourself know that you are actually better off without him. It's that this is stirring up your abandonment issues from your parents.
It's hard, but try to separate the two. You don't HAVE to go into all the pain of your childhood every time H rejects you. You don't HAVE to assume he's going to be happier. And you don't HAVE to assume that your future life isn't going to be better.
If you can let go of H, enjoy not walking on eggshells around him, get more counseling to heal your childhood wound, and CREATE THE NEW LIFE that YOU want, your life will only get better and better. You don't have to have these toxic people dragging you down anymore. You can find positive, loving people to surround yourself with, people who value you for you.
My other whine about her is he won’t have to be alone. Ever. He gets the money, a house, retirement, a parter, someone with an income. His life didn’t skip a beat.
I should not complain though. I work with a woman who’s husband left her for someone else. He left her and small children homeless. He’s still married to her. My coworker eventually remarried years later but still.
This is a hit and run post - kml I appreciate you very much talking to me so much. I just need to get some work done before I quote and I need all this right now. So much...
My parents disowned me 20 years ago. I'm over that loss what I didn't do was learn how to self soothe, to be alone, to adult, to build up my self esteem, etc. I relied on men instead and married H who just replaced my parents. He wasn't as outwardly mean as my parents but he did neglect me and shamed me for wanting more from him.
H played a good guy well. He'd fix the cars, buy me flowers, good provider, would take care of me when I was sick, etc. I thought I was lucky to have him and he agreed. However I could be sitting right next to him on the couch and I'd feel the distance. The message I got was if I were a better wife he'd love me. My parents did this too.
And then he left me for OW and I think she will get what I couldn't. This probably isn't true but it FEELS true. kwim?
Just got chewed out by my boss. He's not mad at me personally he just takes it out on me. Thanks doodler for reminding me to stop being a hero. I took my meds today. I have a lot to be grateful for but dang life is beating me up.
And then he left me for OW and I think she will get what I couldn't. This probably isn't true but it FEELS true. kwim?
I get that you are having a hard time not thinking about your H and OW, but constantly thinking that she is somehow better than you or he's better off or whatever is really not helping your overall attitude about this whole thing. You can't possibly know what is going on in his head, but you are comparing how you feel on the inside (which is totally understandably crappy) to how he looks on the outside. Outward appearances can be deceiving. But, you know what, SO WHAT? So what if they are happy and he thinks she is amazing. He isn't your problem anymore. Focus on you and your new life and all the amazing possibilities in front of you. There is a great big world out there for you and your kids to explore and try new things and just be happy and satisfied. You strike me as one who takes care of everyone else but yourself, so focus on YOU for a bit. Stop mindreading what you think is going on with H and OW because it just does not matter. You keep saying you are better off without him, so BELIEVE that!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
The edit button does not work on this particular forum. I have repeatedly asked that the capability be restored...but to no avail. So, if you need something edited, hit the report and/or notification button and one of the moderators will come around to that particular post and edit it for you...but you need to be in the right posting and tell us exactly what you want edited.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Focus on you and your new life and all the amazing possibilities in front of you. There is a great big world out there for you and your kids to explore and try new things and just be happy and satisfied. You strike me as one who takes care of everyone else but yourself, so focus on YOU for a bit. Stop mindreading what you think is going on with H and OW because it just does not matter. You keep saying you are better off without him, so BELIEVE that!
Dawn I've looked into food stamps, still considering houses in the ghetto or my teens will have to help with expenses. I'll get more CS but once that ends my situation could be dire. 30% of his income may not count and that is concerning. I'm a minimalist so I'll be fine but my world just got reduced to about a 6 mile radius.
I'm in a decent mood so I can say even being broke I'm still probably better off without him. He was a grouch who made me feel bad. I feel bad now too yes but even if it takes me 10 years to get over him I've still got 20 years of life left to be happy right??
Dawn I've looked into food stamps, still considering houses in the ghetto or my teens will have to help with expenses. I'll get more CS but once that ends my situation could be dire. 30% of his income may not count and that is concerning. I'm a minimalist so I'll be fine but my world just got reduced to about a 6 mile radius.
kas,
Something doesn't seem congruent about your situation. Have you talked to a lawyer? Even if you can't afford to hire a lawyer for your divorce, you should, at the very least, go talk to a good divorce lawyer. I think you'll find that your situation isn't so abysmal.
Just checking on you. I hope that you and your family are staying safe and healthy. Post when you can to let us know that you are okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Dawn I've looked into food stamps, still considering houses in the ghetto or my teens will have to help with expenses. I'll get more CS but once that ends my situation could be dire. 30% of his income may not count and that is concerning. I'm a minimalist so I'll be fine but my world just got reduced to about a 6 mile radius.
kas,
Something doesn't seem congruent about your situation. Have you talked to a lawyer? Even if you can't afford to hire a lawyer for your divorce, you should, at the very least, go talk to a good divorce lawyer. I think you'll find that your situation isn't so abysmal.
She has, and she filed D papers last year but they have yet to serve her H with them!!
don't know how old you are kas, but you could perhaps put your name in for senior housing if they have that. in your town. usually takes a couple years for your name to come up on the list.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Family court is now shut down to the public so H won't be served anytime soon. I work in justice court but COVID-19 just got here. I manage the small support staff so most of my work can easily be done without leaving my office.
I'm on my own with 3 kids. I have no family, no close friends, and not much money.
H is a cop who has OW, a secret life and is gone a lot. D14 lives with him but still comes over here for food. From a practical standpoint when do I tell D14 either she moves in with me (temporarily) or she stays there?
I'm a physically healthy 53 year old but my anxiety is high.
H is out of town but has been told to isolate for the next week. He’s not sick this is just a precaution since he might have been exposed. He says he will do the right thing but I no longer trust him. Bet a whole lot of money he won’t stay home for a week.
He didn’t even buy her food before he left. They eat out or he gets her fast food. Spent all his time looking for hand sanitizer and told her the stores were out of food. Lie. All he cared about was himself.
S19 is autistic and he’s freaking out. I haven’t seen him for a few days because he won’t come out of his room when D14 is here. Schools out so she’s here when I go to bed. D17 takes her home.
So much to say but H did buy food while he was gone. He doesn’t really care but his reputation is on the line. She told him I’m prepared by sending pictures of my cart to get him to do the same. Jerk buys some food, sends his own pictures, claims hero status for a week or so, then it’s back to his usual. It will pass.
I agree with kml that D14 needs to be in your home. You say she won’t come willingly but YOU are the parent. She can come and stay or she can stay at her dad’s but not both. This is about everyone’s health not just her whims, wants, desires. Yes, 14 year old girls are the most stubborn creatures so I know it is all easier said than done but you will have to put your foot down.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
He’s convinced D14 that he’s going to stay home, that he’s going to take this seriously, that he’s going to do the right thing. She knows about the OW but he doesn’t know that. I believe to keep her from moving in with me he will stay home...more but who knows how long it will last.
I’ve seen him be a decent parent for a month but that was when he could still hook up with the OW at his house. S19 caught him (H doesn’t know) so he had to move his fun elsewhere. At that point he was gone all the time.
A decision needs to be made about your daughter, i.e., where is she going to stay until the crisis is over. Your h has been around someone and he needs to self isolate. If he's around your daughter, she may need to self isolate as well. She could very well be a carrier and not even realize it. As her mother, you will need to decide, does she stay over there and not come to your home or does she move in w/you until the crisis is over. No one knows if your h will eventually show signs of having the virus or not, but I would be very concerned about you and the children that are living w/you.
kas, please, please be careful and stay safe and well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've decided that D14 won't be coming to my house until the crisis is over. S19 made a good point saying that it's a 2 way street since I too deal with the public. Technically I could be a carrier and not know it until I got all 5 of us sick.
Today is a trial day and it's a hot mess. We knew it was coming yes but by the time it hit it escalated too fast for us to react. So yes S19 is right I'm at risk too. Trying to stay in my office but still....we're all stressed, tensions are high, and I'm back in physical pain. Still trying to be positive though my job is safe and for that I am grateful.
I fret about money but for now I am okay. I've cut everything that isn't life sustaining. With kids out of school, social distancing and H having D14 full time my bills are lower now.
There is low income senior housing close to work without huge wait times. I've looked into renting a room for when the kids move out but before senior housing. Lots of options.
My anxiety is up and down. Sometimes I think my situation is hopeless and I wish I could die then sometimes I think in the long run I will be happier without H.
don't plan more than a week out. these days, i'd keep it firmly in 15 minute increments.
You're right of course. I've always wanted to be one of those happy in the moment people but that kind of change generally requires pain. Until I my world collapsed it was easier to stay in my comfort zone.
It helps to remember the bad things about my M to cope with being left after 30 years.
We bought our first house in 1993 but when McMansions became a thing H wanted one. We couldn't afford it so when the market crashed we had to sell it (at a loss). Later bought another house that we couldn't afford. Sold that one after 6 years and H walked out 6 months later.
The love of money, big houses, new cars wasn't me. As lean as I'm living now it's still better than juggling bills to pay for a lifestyle we couldn't afford.
I just had a happy epiphany. Chasing H who doesn’t love me, hasn’t loved me for a long while caused me so much pain. Years of pain. I would never have broken up our family though and thankfully I’ll never have to face the guilt of putting my needs above our kids....that’s his cross to bear. Today I smiled thinking I don’t have to degrade myself anymore.
Hey, struggling to pay for things you don’t need or can’t afford is a lot like struggling to keep someone that can’t or won’t commit. It’s soul sucking and life destroying. Your gonna find so much happiness that’s impossible to find when your entwined to someone dysfunctional
I've recently immersed myself in all things positive. I'm reading books, watching ted talks, and I've been pinning thousands of inspirational quotes on pinterest. When "let go or be dragged" popped up I thought of you.
We're in the middle of a horrific pandemic and I'm a middle aged, gave up my career to raise kids woman who got traded in for a younger model. Fun times and yet my thoughts are more positive than BEFORE the BD. Can't get it to stick no but I have faith that eventually it will become my new normal.
Hey, struggling to pay for things you don’t need or can’t afford is a lot like struggling to keep someone that can’t or won’t commit. It’s soul sucking and life destroying. Your gonna find so much happiness that’s impossible to find when your entwined to someone dysfunctional
Unless it pertains to the D I rarely look at my finances whereas before OMG I spent so much time trying to juggle money to pay for a life we couldn't afford. I "hustled for my worth" by any means necessary. I did things that I'd never do now. Money, sex, etc. He'd be happy when he got a new toy or sex but it faded until he got another "hit". I'd eventually get angry, he'd covertly blame me and the cycle started all over again.
I no longer like to reference how long since BD because it upsets me lets just say it's taken me quite a while to get to where I am now and I'm still struggling. Sometimes my thoughts are that he's a better man for her which causes pain and then I have to ground myself in truth. He's 54 years old and he's been this way since I met him 30 years ago. He did get it in my head that had I been a better wife he would have been more intimate, more present but that's not true is it?
He'd give me the shirt off his back but don't ask him to play a board game. He'd buy me flowers on major holidays, go out on dates, the perfect husband but once home he'd zone out in front of the tv or nap. He was there physically but emotionally he was somewhere else. If I complained he'd point all things he did do, I agreed so I tried to make my needs smaller. He really is a great guy....ugh.
I'm focused on me and moving forward. Facing reality helps this process. I had him on a pedestal and I'm trying to take him off of it. He's a man who cares more about his reputation, outward success, shiny new things, sex and money than relationships. Well that't not entirely true. He enjoys the perks of a relationship but in this area of his life he takes more than he gives.
I had done the same, mommy tracked my career for my kids and so my ex could be extremely successful in the same field. I do work in my field now but earning far less than me ex. He's also managed to stick me with most of the expenses related to our adult children that are not covered by the divorce decree (and there have been many - none of the three are quite self-supporting yet for various physical and mental health reasons).
Nonetheless, 11 years after our divorce, things are not all they seem in his life. Yes he's got the cool beach pad two blocks from his favorite surf break, and the cute Asian wife 19 years younger than him. But he's had 5 surgeries in the last few years (neck, lower back, and shoulders ) one of which was the night before he turned 60 (he never did well with birthdays ending in 0). Some of those surgeries may have been a result of ignoring a medical condition that I tried to get him to pay attention to 20 years ago but he wouldn't listen to me. Right now he's lying on the floor suffering from intractable pain due to nerve damage in his lower back. Despite his much larger income (twice mine at least even after alimony) and his wife's income he has not managed his finances well and is always crying poor. He's also wrecked his relationships with our kids. He's just retired but his medical condition is keeping him from doing what was planned, which was to take the early retirement and then work part time to keep his income the same, so now he has to live on the same income I've had for the last 11 years (plus his wife's income) and I'm sure he'll be whining about it.
Meanwhile I am in good health even though I'm 4 years older than him, my relationships with my kids are great. I've learned to play the drums and mallet percussion and have toured with my best friend who is a professional singer songwriter (and my ex thought HE was the musician in the family because he could strum a half dozen Neil Young songs that he learned in college on the guitar. Ha!). I don't live in the rich neighborhood he does but I live in a nice quiet middle class suburb and have room in my nice house for my kids. I don't have as much money as he has but I've managed it well so I don't stress about it. I'm not remarried but all the men I've dated since my divorce have appreciated me more than my ex did (and the sex has been even better than in my marriage, which was pretty darn good in that regard). I can't retire yet but I enjoy my work and am glad I am able to help my kids.
kml your story inspires me so much. Makes me happy so happy.
My H makes more than me but his job physically challenging. At 54 he's already experiencing joint pain, can't get up off the floor, loss of flexibility and balance. All kinds of medical problems run rampant in his family, late onset diabetes, cancer, dementia, etc. He's already had gout, diverticulitis and skin cancer. I made sure he got balanced meals. Now? Meat and booze. Doesn't cook and eats out all the time.
It's 80 degrees and sunny. We all just found out we get 2 weeks full pay if we get COVID. Everyone is in good spirits and happy. This triggers me because I imagine H just got the same news (we both work in gov't) and he's texting the OW excitedly suggesting they get some wine and celebrate. It is gorgeous day after all.
I have no one to text. I post these things to remind myself that he traded me in he did not have a personality transplant. He's never excited, that's just who he is. S19 has aspergers and he shows more emotion than H ever did. Not often no but I see it enough to feel a deep connection to him. I think S19 laughs more now than when H was around. What is up with that??
he traded me in he did not have a personality transplant.
Exactly! I think my ex and his new wife are happy together (she wasn't an OW thank god, he started dating her about a year after we separated). However I know that eventually his critical nature will come back out and he will start to find fault with her the way he did with me. Or maybe he already does, who knows? I hope they stay together so she will continue to care for him.
AS for your Aspie son - my ex had narcissistic traits, and the fact that our oldest (mild Aspie) son was not the "cool kid" he wanted him to be meant that my ex was never able to be the loving father to that son that he deserved. That son still tries to win his father's love and attention but it almost always has to be on my ex's terms. (Example - this son has lived with me for 5 or 6 years, since finishing college. Ex lives 45 minutes away. Son works graveyard shift so it is difficult for him to travel to see his father, since he needs to be in bed by 2-3 in the afternoon and has a fear of driving tired. However over those years I think ex has driven up here to see son maybe 5 times - all other visits have been son driving to ex.) It's probably a relief for your son not to live under the critical eye of his father.
kml back later but omg just read a few COVID stories (been trying to limit them) and suddenly I’m feeling quite self absorbed. People are sick, dying, losing their jobs, and I’m whining over getting dumped.
S19 could do calculus in his head but couldn’t tell me what he wanted for dinner. H leaves and suddenly S19 shines, doing things that shock the heck out of me. S19 isn’t afraid to try things now, his confidence is up, he talks more, laughs, plays pranks, it’s adorable.
H has less money right now due to COVID and not managing his money well. He said he’d buy me a lawnmower but now says he can’t (I believe him - long story). S19 and I went to Lowe’s tonight. If you told me a year ago that S19 would go in a store, pick out a lawnmower, get it in the car, come home, put it together without an anxiety attack I would have said no way. Wow just wow.
H tried to help S19 aka me out with the lawn he really did. S19 got an earful about how Hs trust fund value is down 40%, how his dividend check hadn’t come yet, how his hours have gone down. Sigh...the dividend check will be here any day now, the stock will come back up and the big box store (2nd job) will reopen eventually.
Unlike H I saved for a rainy day and I’m a wizard with money. It’s not much but I can afford a $200 lawnmower. H is letting us borrow his leaf blower and weed eater so I’m good.
I may have to delay my support hearing/divorce until after he's back working at full capacity. At the moment H doesn't know I'm divorcing him so this decision is mine. Something to discuss with my L once court is open again. People can't believe I haven't told him but I think its in my best interest to stay quiet. We're NC so it's not that hard. I figure it's best to let him stay in his fantasy bubble because it keeps him cooperative.
He hasn't seen D17 in almost a year (her choice). S19 has lost all respect for him so doesn't see him much. He has to bribe D14 to spend time with him and she lives there. So yeah he wrecked his relationship with his kids too.
I've never really had good friends (history of attracting toxic ones), didn't relate to other women and just felt like an outcast. No one seemed to like me. Since H left I've made one really good female friend. I've also been in a support group for a year and it's on hold now. Got a text last night from a woman. She said she missed our chats and could we find a way to keep in touch. I was so happy!!! That's TWO people who like me...for ME.
My other happy is I'm not interested in men. Not in a bad way in an I'm starting to enjoy a life that's all mine for a change. I still miss H and it pains me to think he's happier with someone else but I no longer feel the need to replace him.
Yes you’re smart to keep the divorce on hold I think, until this passes and his income returns to normal. Discuss with your attorney.
I have a best friend that I got closer to during my divorce. I made a bunch of new friends after my divorce through the Adult Rock Band classes that I took as I was learning to play the drums. I didn’t really miss most of the friends I left behind in my old town - I came to realize that they were mostly my ex’s friends, that he was only willing to hang out with the people he liked and was a snob so many of the people whose company I preferred never really made it into our couples socializing. The new friends I’ve made are much more genuine and less pretentious.
Amazing how an Aspie can thrive in a positive environment. Don’t be in any rush to date - you need to find yourself first anyway.
If they cut his dividends he might pay me less peanuts than he already is. I'm not sure if I'm completely delusional of I've developed some faith but I think I'll be okay. I've cut most everything off, am prepared to live on rice/beans for months, I've got some money put aside. I'm pretty calm actually and I'm not even taking the anti anxiety meds. Oh how far I've come in a year.
Correction I do take the anti anxiety meds just not everyday. I take .5mg a few days a week but mostly I'm working to learn to self soothe. Almost took one last night and D17 said to me "I think you just need to sit down". True.
Rough afternoon. Rough night. D the gift that keeps on giving. Oh and there’s a pandemic ugh
H has a friend he’s had for 30 years. We’ve sadly watched as tragedy struck him again and again. He’s addicted to prescription pills, has lots of accidents, drinks gallons of soda a day, etc. He wants to die. I get it. He’s gone downhill a lot in the past few years. He’s severely bloated, lost all his hair, sickly looking.
H came to mow the lawn today and D17 spied on him. Said H looked awful. Aged 5 years at least. For reference D17 and I last saw H in July and he looked great. D17 says he looks like his friend now, sickly, is totally gray headed (no gray in July). Said he was wearing these awful jeans and I said well he is doing yard work she said no not like before she thinks he’s wearing his friends hand me downs.
H is fine he’s just under a lot of financial stress and has damaged his relationship with the kids. He saw this going differently in his head....I know because he told me and the kids.
Got a text this morning from D14 “dad said tell you the dollar store has cleaners”. Last week it was “sams has meat”. Ummm...thanks??
We.Don’t.Speak. Ever. 8 months now. Unless I ask for help or it’s a dire emergency GO AWAY. I’m hurting and in pain please please please leave me alone. Let me heal. 30 years is a long time and I still love you.
I assumed he was right there so I responded “S19 (germaphobe) will be happy to hear that”. D14 texted back the name of the cleaner. Stop it. I didn’t respond and I’m a 1,0000% sure she knows why.
The stores here have restocked. Cleaners are gone yes but if you look hard enough you can get some bleach and make your own. I’d call everyone on my contact list including judges before I called H for anything.
D17 wants to paint her room. It’s a rental and my financial situation is precarious so I said no. She says I’m reading the news too much and I’m annoying her. We’re only 2 weeks into the pandemic and ugh it’s hard to keep my spirits up.
I apologized to her for being a negative nancy and promised to limit reading the news to 30 minutes a day. I'm doing all that I can so worrying isn't helpful.
It's hard to stay positive when the world is in chaos.
It took me a couple of hours to get my head on straight yesterday. It's been a year since the BD how long before I can get this to stick more than a few hours?? I'm probably genuinely happy 2-4 hours a day. The rest of my time is spent in victim status or just going through the motions.
Happy to me means moments where it's just me, content, and not affected by things extrernal. Before BD my mood was easily affected by things out of my control.
One of D14s complaints about living with H is food. She tells him she doesn't like things repeatedly and he makes it again anyway. Tonight D14 sent me a picture of dinner and wow the memories. The dishes, the way the table is set, the food, it's remnants of our pre BD family that no longer exists. It stopped existing the day he left. The kids got involved and then it became this big joke. "Mom that dish you made every week. We hated it".
He made one of our old meals. Now the kids communicate and I listen. He rarely did.
Shelter in place order is here now so I’ll be working part time until it’s over. Kudos to my employer for the many, many things they’ve done to keep us safe. I love my job.
Ah who am I kidding 3.5 hours into this and I already feel....ugh. I got D17 laughing by dramatically whining about being locked in. She of course has been isolated for weeks and offered to play her tiny violin for me. lol I then, at 8pm peered into the freezer for something to cook for dinner since my really great meals have been replaced with potatoes and bean burritos as I rise to the challenge to save money during this shut in.
My kids aren't complaining and I think it's because they see I've been working hard. My bedroom still looks like storage room so I've set a goal of putting away just a few things a day and while the best I can hope for is a nuns bedroom motif (twin bed, bare walls...a lone chair) it's better than a living in a Uhaul.
You sound stronger and a bit more positive. It's tough being "locked in" during this time, but all of you are staying safe and your employer is doing everything possible to keep all of you safe. At least you won't have to deal w/people coming into your office and bugging you all day.
Hang in there! Whether your bedroom becomes a nun's bedroom or not, you still have a roof over your head, good health and the love of family and friends. That's all anyone can ask for during this crisis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm learning there is always something to be grateful for. I might not have everything I want but I have everything I need and more. Sometimes it take some herculean efforts to stop the pity party I'm doing it. Changing myself is really, really hard.
Yesterday I was stuck on the couch when D17 said she wanted me to teach her how to make homemade pizza's. A huge part of me wanted to say "not now" but I didn't. I said yes. Doing that motivated me to keep going. I sorted through boxes of financial records. I took everything and now it's down to one box. I no longer need/want the rest of it.
Well done on cleaning the up the boxes of financial records! That is one task now completed.
So, how did you do making homemade pizzas? I bet they were delicious once they were baked and out of the oven.
I know it's a struggle sometimes to get up and moving, but once you do, you will find that you have more energy and determination to get things done.
I liked your first paragraph! There is a difference between wanting and needing and you've discovered that you have everything you need right there...your family, your health and a roof over your head. The wants will come in time, but by the time the crisis is over, the wants may change and you may discover you really don't want whatever it is that you would like to have.
Hang in there and stay safe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
These are dark times. Logically I see how this is an opportunity to grow but its so very hard. It feels wrong to find positive things in horrible situations.
After BD I removed everything from my life (that I could) that triggered me or made me sad. Long story short I stopped listening to the news (it’s been a year). I figured if it was something I needed to know someone would tell me (I have been shamed for this).
D14 told me about COVID when we had a confirmed case (March 9th). I knew nothing and ignored it until my kids warned me about panic buying on March 12 so I got toilet paper (needed it). That store rationed from day 1. I’ve since gotten what I need. I’m fine. Problem is now I’m sucked back into the news and I’m upset.
kas~I did the same thing as you and completely shut off the media because it was too much for me. I try to stick with local news that I access online and don't listen to the rest. I am sorry I don't chime in more on your posts but I do keep up with everything going on. You are growing so much.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
When all the news hit the air waves about the health crisis, I watched it all and since it has been going on for quite some time, I only watch 1/2 hour of the news in the evening and that's it. It's a scary and depressing time w/the way things are playing out. I have found that the more I watched and listened, the more my anxiety level went up, so for my own peace of mind...1/2 hour is all I can take of this news. I often wonder what is happening w/the all of the other news worthy news these days.
I can see your growth more and more as you post. You sound so much more stronger and self-confident. So, what is your next cooking lesson? You've done pizzas...now what does your daughter want to try next?
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
kas~I did the same thing as you and completely shut off the media because it was too much for me. I try to stick with local news that I access online and don't listen to the rest. I am sorry I don't chime in more on your posts but I do keep up with everything going on. You are growing so much.
I'm challenging myself to only post or say out loud positive or ways that I've grown. I'll sometimes write a negative post and usually I'll catch myself before I hit send.
S19 asked H if he'd buy me a lawnmower like he promised. H said he couldn't afford it. D14 told me H spent a lot of money on her and I got upset, said things I now regret. H ended up sending me a $200 check and I told D14 because she was feeling guilty. It wasn't her fault I know. I was just angry. D14 was happy he sent me money and I got angry again. He makes so much more than me and I'm supposed to be happy he sent me $200? I thought she's a child she has no idea how little $200 really is so I enlightened her. Yeah I instantly regretted that too.
I've filed for D, I've cut expenses to the bone, so getting upset solves nothing it just brings everyone down. I think if I am grateful then it lets him off the hook but it's not really about him is it?
I have found that the more I watched and listened, the more my anxiety level went up, so for my own peace of mind...1/2 hour is all I can take of this news.
The news hit me hard yesterday so I stepped back and had an 80's movie marathon. I even got S19 hooked in (he's intrigued by the cars). Watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Weird Science, and Uncle Buck. D17 has already asked me if we can do it again tonight. lol
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I can see your growth more and more as you post. You sound so much more stronger and self-confident. So, what is your next cooking lesson? You've done pizzas...now what does your daughter want to try next?
Fake it till you make it right? lol She wants to learn how to bake doesn't seem to care what, cinnamon rolls, bread, waffles, pizza dough, etc.
Omg yes!! Last night we watched Summer School and Real Genius. She says they make her happy and she loves the fashion. D17 hates fast fashion and therefore her entire wardrobe came from thrift stores. Her inspiration comes from the 70's and up (movies). Gets compliments everywhere we go followed by disappointing looks when they find out it's a one of a kind. She wants me to teach her how to sew so we can re-purpose thrift store finds. I just bought a vintage sewing machine and then COVID hit.
Y’all MUST watch Pretty in Pink. Molly Ringwald’s character is a whiz at selecting clothes from secondhand stores and sewing them into new things. 80s movies are my jam!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I'm bothered by some of the stories here. Wandered over the newcomers to check up on someone and left shaking my head. Some stories on this side worry me specifically about dating and money. I worry that people are making their lives sound greater than they are somehow. Yes I have trust issues.
At a year out I'm still in pain and sad. He's on my mind pretty much all the time. His face has faded from my brain (8 months NC). I ruminate quite a bit remembering how lonely I was when I was with him (it helps). Sometimes the OW pops in my thoughts and I deal with that by remembering who she's getting. I imagine since H thinks I'm the problem he won't evolve so she will get the same man I had. Besides change is difficult and PAINFUL which is why most people don't do it. My changes have been at a snails pace yet I've already outgrown him.
There is more fun in my life now and I'm calmer. I laugh more, hug more, get more I love you's from my kids, they say I'm a better mom now. I stay busy, cling to these moments and try to have faith that one day I'll detach and reach indifference. I try to focus on the positives and gratitude (this helps a lot).
The triggers/anxiety are tough. H telling the kids to tell me something (I don't need your help go away). Me fretting that he's going to drive by while I'm outside. I've caught him a few times and OMG go another way. My next house is going to be in a cove. Me hearing that he's never home and imagining the fun he's having without me. Just seeing his signature on the support checks gives me a hit of pain.
This is where I am one year from when he moved out.
Y’all MUST watch Pretty in Pink. Molly Ringwald’s character is a whiz at selecting clothes from secondhand stores and sewing them into new things. 80s movies are my jam!
I'm listening to the soundtrack to the breakfast club at work. Makes me so happy!!!
1 year out is not a lot. I’m 5 years BD and it really does get better. I was mad at ex for a long time. I still think he’s a pos but I have become indifferent. Our relationship was horrible. I was lonely and unhappy. I dated 2 other guys that were losers and that just made me even more unhappy. Now I’m with someone that just treats me so well and I could care less about what ex is doing.
Now I am not saying you need a partner or successful relationship to feel that way. I’m just saying you can feel that way because time does heal. And it’s normal to feel that way about someone who treated you bad. I get sick driving by my lawyers office and hearing their name or receiving an email from them. That’s because they took and advantage and abused me. Same things as our ex”s . Just accept that your still feeling that way because someone exploited you and then tell yourself “that’s because of who he is, not who you are and your better off alone then with someone capable of treating people like that”
I felt so bad about the first woman my ex got serious about. 3 years later I found out he was real sketchy with her too and left or cheated on her for a girl 10 years younger. He even twisted things to make her feel the real up was something she did - when she was just getting suspicious about him. This younger girl has no kids and is Gonna waste her child bearing years on him thinking he can commit or afford it or is a responsible dad. And now I’m just thinking how glad i am to not have to deal with him. All he is, is a life stealer and now I am not wasting any more of my life on him. I bet this is similar to your sitchbas well
It will take some time to get over the pain and hurt that your h has created. Grieving takes time and yes, those triggers sure can put the whammy to you when you least expect them to. I have seen some changes in your since you arrived over on this forum. You sound so much better, calmer and less anxious about things. You are talking more about what you and your children are doing and not as much about your work (which has its own stressors) and your h.
So, your daughter wants to learn how to bake? She should check out some recipes on the net Sewing can be so much fun. Have her start out on something simple and work up to a more complicated item. I'm excited to hear how the two of you do on the baking and sewing. Sounds like you two are a lot alike.
Stay safe and healthy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Coincidently, as you just popped in to the Newcomers forum, I just popped in from the Newcomers forum to see how you're doing. Glad you're making progress on positivity, and your relationship with your children is still something you're proud about.
I have seen some changes in your since you arrived over on this forum. You sound so much better, calmer and less anxious about things. You are talking more about what you and your children are doing and not as much about your work (which has its own stressors) and your h.
There is an opportunity in this for me. I hate it yes but it's there. Guess you'd call it making lemonade, silver lining, whatever crap people say to feel better. Ever see the movie or read the book Pollyanna? It's like that.
Trauma caused me to choose emotionally avoidant men who subconsciously controlled me by triggering every insecurity I had which caused anxiety. Separation anxiety is bad yes but I've chosen to heal instead of rushing to fill that void with someone else. I'm sick of handing my power over to men. I'm determined to learn to love myself, to be perfectly okay on my own. I want to be internally happy....but first I must learn to move on while walking through decades of accumulated pain and at times it feels like I'm walking in tar carrying 50 pounds on my back while someone randomly hits me.
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So, your daughter wants to learn how to bake? She should check out some recipes on the net Sewing can be so much fun. Have her start out on something simple and work up to a more complicated item. I'm excited to hear how the two of you do on the baking and sewing. Sounds like you two are a lot alike.
She's the kid that before BD thought was nothing like me. She says now we are basically the same person. S19 and I are a lot alike on nerdy things. We can talk for hours about anything. My regret is not finding common ground and bonding with D14 before she moved in with H. She says she's happy with me, confides in me, tells me she loves me but I worry.
All we've made is pizza dough twice. I have plenty of bread and need milk to bake desserts. Baking for no reason doesn't appeal to either of us. Sewing is something I'm going to have to dig deep to find the energy and motivation to do. Thrift stores are closed which buys me some time. I spent this weekend finishing up my nuns bedroom motif. I'm trying to get on top of things, a routine of sorts, then dive into hobbies. Remember I'm walking through tar right now. lol
Yes, I remember the movie Pollyanna. I saw it a very long time ago and if I'm not mistaken, Haley Mills is Pollyanna.
Yes, kas, this is an opportunity for you to grow and heal all of that pain that you've been carrying around. In time, that weight that you've been carrying on your shoulders will begin to lift, but it all takes time and this is your time to take lemons and make lemonade, so to speak.
You are on the right track of learning to love you. Learning that no matter what is tossed your way, you will face it and then move forward on to the next thing that comes your way. You have the gift of time and I have all of the faith in the world that you will heal.
As a mother, I can understand the worry that you have for your children, especially D14, at the moment. She's left alone a lot and has to rely on someone who is unreliable at the moment. I hope she continues to confide in you and no doubt...she loves you.
I can't wait to hear what you and your D either cook up or sew. You and your d will create some delicious things as well as sew up some beautiful creations...but like you said...you've got to walk through that tar pit at the moment.
I'm sure your nun's bedroom looks nice and comfortable. At least this is one project off your list of things to do.
kas, please stay safe, as well as your children stay safe. Our little county has now put the hammer down and effective Wednesday, we all will need to wear face masks when we got out to the stores, etc. It's to help flatten the curve, but my goodness...we all will look odd.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I remember the movie Pollyanna. I saw it a very long time ago and if I'm not mistaken, Haley Mills is Pollyanna.
That's the one.
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Yes, kas, this is an opportunity for you to grow and heal all of that pain that you've been carrying around. In time, that weight that you've been carrying on your shoulders will begin to lift, but it all takes time. You are on the right track of learning to love you.
I'm digging deep and seeing that my self esteem was non existent which is why I did whatever H wanted (and more). I thought without him I would be nothing and yet here I am a year later, without him, doing better than I was when I was with him. Crazy right?? By better I mean calmer.
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As a mother, I can understand the worry that you have for your children, especially D14, at the moment. She's left alone a lot and has to rely on someone who is unreliable at the moment. I hope she continues to confide in you and no doubt...she loves you.
She texts, sends me funny video's, I help her with her online homework, friend drama, I'm doing the best I can from afar. I'm hoping I get enough support so she can move back in with me.
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I can't wait to hear what you and your D either cook up or sew. You and your d will create some delicious things as well as sew up some beautiful creations...but like you said...you've got to walk through that tar pit at the moment.
I'm walking through a tar pit but I'm going forward. Laugh if you will but I've been doing small things like wiping the kitchen table daily or making my bed. I've been so depressed that I just stopped caring. I'm proud to report I've kept my kitchen clean for 2 weeks now, laundry is caught up, bills are paid, budget is on target. I still have times when my anxiety is through the roof but it's getting better.
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I'm sure your nun's bedroom looks nice and comfortable. At least this is one project off your list of things to do.
My kids are happy (I am too). I like my nuns bedroom. I took the smallest bedroom because I have the least amount of stuff. It speaks to my soul because at heart I'm a minimalist. I'm steadily getting rid of things from my former life. I want to live a simple and quiet life.
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kas, please stay safe, as well as your children stay safe. Our little county has now put the hammer down and effective Wednesday, we all will need to wear face masks when we got out to the stores, etc. It's to help flatten the curve, but my goodness...we all will look odd.
People are starting to wear masks here. I went ahead an ordered a few from Etsy over the weekend and I will feel completely weird wearing it too. I read today that masks will soon be the new seatbelt. Strange times for sure.
The positive that has come out of the pandemic is that I’m finally living well beneath my means. I can easily live without but I felt bad for my kids. I cut out Christmas sure but continued cooking gourmet type meals and buying pricey things like fresh strawberries. Who knows when I’ll get more support so I needed to cut everything off and save, save, save. My parents were poor, their parents were poor so this isn’t anything new to me.
Now my kids are experiencing what it was like for me as a kid. I thought they’d complain but they haven’t and I have peace knowing I’m spending wisely.
I should confess I read the news for um hours before posting here. My anxiety goes sky high, I get moody, eat too much sugar, D17 leaves the room then I need a stupid pill to calm down. You know it’s hard to focus on happy things despite knowing I’m going to feel bad if I don’t. I will learn though because happy feels way better than this.
I'm a perfectionist and think I should be over this by now. I woke up this morning with a renewed compassion for myself. No one can undo this type of trauma in a year. I'm going to have to work for it and it's supposed to be hard.
I'm working mornings this week so I get here and am informed of two messes that happened yesterday afternoon. One person overreacted (ugh) and the other I feel so bad that she got stuck handling this. I wish now I would have told her that if she couldn't get it to work fairly quickly to set it aside and I'd fix it this morning. My boss said I probably should be working 11-3 but for now he said just let it go. I want to go back to yesterday and start over.
D17 asked if I preferred working in the morning or the afternoon. I dodged the question but afternoons are better. I cope better with this house at night. I stayed up way past midnight and slept in. The past 2 days I have to come home to.....this sad house. I'm 99% sure the last guy that lived here before was recently divorced. He had a tv, bedroom furniture and a recliner. Neighbors said they had to call code enforcement because he wouldn't mow the lawn. This place reeked of depression so I get it.
Today is the first time in months that I've fought back tears.
I’m sorry you are having a tough time today. Don’t fight back those tears it better to have a good cry. You are doing really well and moving forward. In the grand scheme of things you are early in the process.
Ended up having to take my sliver of a pill and then I felt better. Managing my anxiety is hard enough without adding a pandemic to it.
Continuing to do our 80s movie marathon and started watching Crocodile Dundee. I remembered how he left his wife of forever to marry his co-star who was 19 years younger than him. I googled them hoping their R imploded quickly but nope married for 20 years before divorcing. Well so much for my karma story....but wait what is that I see? She remarried a man closer to her own age and some quick math says she was dating him while still married to Paul Hogan. Yep there it is. Karma and he's devastated. Poor baby.
I keep an eye out for rental houses to give me something to look forward to. I figure I'll have to move 2 more times so I shop for both. We're getting a new building that will be near this cute town square. A rental house just popped up that is within walking distance. Its a super tiny 2 bedroom house but it's all I need. Despite us being in a pandemic 20 people have already applied. Same thing happened with the house I have now. Yeah it's a sad house but it's cheap and in a nice (old) neighborhood. I won because I have an 820 credit score.
Trying not to fret over the next house. That one hinges on the amount of alimony I get and that is in the hands of a judge.
I am sorry to read that you were having some down times. If you feel the need to cry...then do so. Crying helps us cope because we can let all of those hurt and pent up feelings out.
As for homes, both rental and sale, it seems like people are checking them out everywhere. I guess they are a lot of free time right now, so they are visiting the sites and determining what looks good for them. I hope that you can get the place that you want. It would be a fresh and new place to start moving forward.
Please take care of yourself. BTW, it's time to start a new thread and link this one to it.
Last edited by job; 04/15/2005:45 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
