Husband Living a Double Life

[MoGirl]

It has officially been one week since the BD. I'm starting to feel a little more like myself today. I'm finally over the flu. I went to IC on Friday, and although the counselor told me this was not my fault, I am still blaming myself. If I had just been a better wife, a better listener, paid more attention to his needs, etc.

H has not contacted me at all this week. The friend that his is staying with has told me that H is looking for an apartment. It feels so weird that I won't be in contact with this man who I have loved for 23 years. Not knowing where he is or what he is doing makes me anxious. Then again, did I really know what he was doing the past 2 years? No. He's a stranger. I also found out that he is planning on divorcing me. I guess he expects to get rid of me as fast as he can and ride off into the sunset with his child bride.

I go back to work tomorrow, which makes me a little anxious but also relieved to have something to take my mind off of this. Although no-one knows but close family and a friend, I feel embarrassed - "Hey, there's the woman who's husband left her for a 21 year old". I feel humiliated.

[oceangrl]

It has officially been one week since the BD. I'm starting to feel a little more like myself today. I'm finally over the flu. I went to IC on Friday, and although the counselor told me this was not my fault, I am still blaming myself. If I had just been a better wife, a better listener, paid more attention to his needs, etc.

H has not contacted me at all this week. The friend that his is staying with has told me that H is looking for an apartment. It feels so weird that I won't be in contact with this man who I have loved for 23 years. Not knowing where he is or what he is doing makes me anxious. Then again, did I really know what he was doing the past 2 years? No. He's a stranger. I also found out that he is planning on divorcing me. I guess he expects to get rid of me as fast as he can and ride off into the sunset with his child bride.

I go back to work tomorrow, which makes me a little anxious but also relieved to have something to take my mind off of this. Although no-one knows but close family and a friend, I feel embarrassed - "Hey, there's the woman who's husband left her for a 21 year old". I feel humiliated.

You are doing amazing for it only having been a week. Be kind to yourself, you are still in the shock phase. Just as everyone else has said, it will get better.

And you should not feel humiliated. HE should feel humiliated. Anyone who would think less of you when he is not the normal one, is not your friend anyway.

[dillydaf]

There is probably a little bit inside him which is totally crushed by humiliation. He's pathetic and ridiculous, and most people will think it completely creepy that he's shagging someone barely out of their teens. Yuck. Trust me, people will feel sympathy for you and disgust for him. Sympathy is really hard to take but disgust is worse!

[MoGirl]

Journal entry:

I haven't spoken to my husband since I discovered his affair , so last night I made contact (I know...against BD rules) and told him how hurt I was about his affair and the typical how could you do this to me, to our family, blah, blah blah. Of course he responded by telling me he didn't contact me because he knew I would not accept his apology and that my life would be better without him. He has caused me so much pain and he feels the best thing to do is leave so he won't continue to hurt me. So basically, he is trying to say he wants to leave to spare me the pain he has caused but I know this is a sorry a$$ excuse to be with this young woman. It has nothing to do with me, it's all about him and his selfishness. He made the whole conversation about him. He did hear me out and let me vent but I can tell he is dead inside. He gave me the old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line, and he has felt this way for the last 2 years, and he has no excuse for what he did. I wanted to tell him you're a disgusting, cheating, horny pig.

I want a divorce. I don't want a divorce. Even if I didn't, I think he is too far gone. I'm all over the place with my emotions. I went to see an attorney today and confirmed that I can get half of his 401k and pension, but I probably won't get maintenance because we don't have any minor children and I have a job (he makes 2x my salary) which should cover my expenses and an education, so I have the potential to make more money. I just want to get back at this man. I know this is juvenile thinking but that's where I'm at right now. I'm angry as hell that he gets to leave me after I stood by him for 23 years and made sacrifices so he could build his career and now he gets to skip off into the sunset with his child bride while I struggle. Maybe I will find another attorney and get a second opinion. IDK. Maybe I need to slow down and work on myself. I'm really not in a hurry to divorce, but for some reason I feel like i should take control and file before he does.

I need to seriously start to GAL. Detach. This situation is consuming me.

[MoGirl]

I'm not doing very well today. I keep replaying the messages I found from my H to the OW. Or should I say YW [young woman). It's so hard to accept that he proposed to her. Asked her to have his baby. Ugh! It's all too much. I can't get it out of my head. I can't read, watch tv or even work without these thoughts popping up in my head. I want to stay in bed and shut out the world.

[MoGirl]

I don't know what I want. I finally spoke to my H about his affair. It pi$$es me off that I had to contact him because he's a coward and was afraid to talk to me. Of course I ask him why and he tells me that he loves me, but he fell out of love with me two years ago (when he met the OW) and doesn't know why he didn't tell me or ask for a divorce. Of course his apologies and excuses are not enough for me. I don't believe him. He's only sorry that he got caught. Why string me along if he wants to be with the OW? I just don't get it. It's so cruel to do to someone.
We have had a few texts and phone conversations about putting the house on the market, splitting assets, etc. We want to be amicable and settle things before filing for divorce. Now I'm having second thoughts about a divorce. I was so sure of it, but now I'm back tracking and I'm not sure why. I don't see myself ever trusting this man again, I don't think he wants to reconcile, but I'm scared of getting a divorce. It's so final. I'm not sure what to do? Any advice? I told him I was still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened and I needed some time to process everything.

To be quite honest, I'm scared to fight for this marriage. I don't think I can handle the feelings of rejection. I already feel rejected because he betrayed me with this OW, which I know he is still communicating with. I'm scared of these feelings.

Any advice?

[oceangrl]

It is completely normal at the beginning to have those horrible images flash in your head. I remember it well. I still get them occasionally now. Do you have any of MWD's books? She has the DR book, but also Healing from Infidelity where she discusses some tips on handling this. I hope you are still seeing an IC.

Here are some ideas for when this happens:

1. Move your body. When you find yourself slipping into trauma mode with this images, you will feel your body begin to freeze. If you are in your car or at your desk, move your wrists in circles. You can also do this with your ankles. It actually breaks your looping thoughts as your brain is forced to focus on something else. Get up and dance. I don't care how weird that seems or how much you don't want to. It works. You can also take a walk or go running.

2. Purge write: Pour everything on a piece of paper. Everything. Then go outside in a safe place, use a pan or something, and burn it. That symbolizes getting rid of it and having it not have power over you.

3. Call a friend, get on here, vent it out and hear someone tell you it's okay, you will be okay.

4. MWD and other suggest using a method called thought-stopping. Picture a big red stop sign or something like that and allow it to break your thoughts.


Your husband has some serious issues right now. He is not trustworthy, and if I understand correctly, has not ended his affair. His world will most likely come crashing down at some point, but right now it is still too full of fantasy. Denial is provably a useful place for him.

You are afraid to divorce because it is scary. Your life is changing, you are in the middle of trauma. And while not perfect (like the rest of us), you are a good person who thought your wedding vows were permanent.

I understand fearing rejection. I am still dealing with this every day. What has helped me is really working on myself. Reminding myself that I am going to be okay no matter what. That even though he doesn't choose me, I choose me. Remind yourself that he isn't a very nice person right now, he doesn't treat you well, and honestly, his judgement is obviously not so great. You don't need his validation.

For the marriage to work, you must work on yourself. You are doing WAY better than me at this stage, please pat yourself on the back for that. You are not begging and chasing and pleading. He has got to get out of fantasy land before he could begin to make the changes required to change his behavior and become trustworthy. Focus on you and keep moving forward.

I have read some good advice from veterans here. They have reminded us many times that in the end, divorce is just a piece of paper. It doesn't mean that down the road you can't get together again. But changes have to be made first, where you know he is safe.

I'm so sorry this [censored] so much. It's so hard. Keep posting here.

[MoGirl]

For the marriage to work, you must work on yourself. You are doing WAY better than me at this stage, please pat yourself on the back for that. You are not begging and chasing and pleading.

OG,

I'm actually not doing that well. I fell off the wagon last night and I was pretty pathetic. I asked him if he could ever love me again and if he misses me. UGH!!! I feel so stupid. I got so caught up in my emotions and started babbling.

He told me that he misses seeing me and talking to me but he doesn't think he can ever get back to where he was.

I feel so ashamed of myself right now.

[AnotherStander]

I'm actually not doing that well. I fell off the wagon last night and I was pretty pathetic. I asked him if he could ever love me again and if he misses me. UGH!!! I feel so stupid. I got so caught up in my emotions and started babbling.

He told me that he misses seeing me and talking to me but he doesn't think he can ever get back to where he was.

I feel so ashamed of myself right now.

We all backslide now and then. Learn from it and keep moving forward. You did it, it went poorly, now you know what NOT to do moving forward. Every misstep if a valuable lesson. Embrace that feeling of being ashamed. Remember it, hold onto it. Why? Because next time you're tempted, you'll remember why not to go down that road.

[MoGirl]

So I told my husband that I don't want a divorce right now and that I was lashing out because I am hurt and angry. He said ok and we chatted a bit and did not talk about the R again. So now what? Do I use the LRT? GAL? What are my next steps moving forward.

I'm still on the fence about a divorce but I reacted out of my anger. I really need time to think about it. As far as I know, he still wants a divorce. I put the ball in his court for now.

Thanks