Update - H did text that Thursday saying that he would like to try staying at our house for the weekend if that was OK with me. I said sounds good. He came home super late after running group, and was in an emotional place. Wanted to be held, etc. We were intimate for a long time. The following day was Valentine's day, and I got off work early. We sat around on the couch and watched movies and ate pizza. It was weird b/c I wanted to cuddle but didn't know what was OK. I kept asking if it was OK if I touch him, and he would say yes every time, so I finally just became more comfortable. The following day, H wanted to go to a new type of meetup early in the morning, and asked if I wanted to go (which I was surprised with). We did. He hangrily snapped at me in the car that morning re: directions, but I did not engage. We went to the event for a while, then to lunch. We went home and he took a super long nap, and was having a lot of back pain. We eventually went to dinner, and then to drinks, where I had a semi drunk cry festival. One of our issues was that my self esteem got so bad that I would resist being intimate, but now that that's better, I want to be touched, and felt the physical touching was one way (he initiated being intimate, though). He listened, and said he just needs to get used to it again, but then proceeded to make sure to physically casually touch me a lot for the remainder of the weekend, which was nice. We didn't have many deep talks. Sunday afternoon I'd gotten upset because it's just confusing not knowing what to expect or prepare for or what's OK and what's not OK. He did say in the talks that he wants to make sure that he doesn't want to come back just b/c it's easier for him mentally b/c it'd remove a lot of stressors from his life, which I understood. He left Monday afternoon, and is coming back tomorrow I believe for a while. I didn't ask if he is staying at our house. He doesn't have a reason not to - he said he had a great weekend together. But, we will see.
He did mention that he wanted to withdraw a few times during the weekend and pushed himself (successfully) to not. He did go to his IC while here, too.
I wasn't sure how I wanted to play this interim time where he isn't here. part of me wanted to go dark starting Monday for the full effect of going back to his lonely sad place to really hit him, but he spent all Monday texting me about non-important stuff, and I did reply. He also called me when he knew I was getting off work for no specific reason (we used to talk on the phone every day when I was on my way home). Monday in the middle of the night he called me but I was asleep. Yesterday he said he was having a panic attack, but I am suspicious that there was more to it. Maybe he did, and then got in an emotional spiral? Idk. Not trying to think too much about it.
Overall, I had a nice time over the weekend, and saw a lot of actual behaviors that show he is trying. We didn't really talk about R stuff, tbh. More just being present. I thought it'd feel more like having a stranger in the house, but it didn't. I did point blank ask that if something comes up that we need to fix or is going poorly would he tell me/bring it up? and he said yes. I felt I was overly attentive over the weekend, and voiced as much b/c I felt I was being annoying, but he did not. He has a pain issue right now, and I just wanted him to be super comfortable here, but I wish I had been slightly more aloof.
H stayed at our house again this weekend. He got in town Friday evening, and I was out at an event with my friends that I had before him that he inherited (his friends, too, but point being I've been with these friends for a long time). H wasn't sure if he would want to meet up. One of these friends is who he has gotten drinks w/ a few times, but he hasn't seen anyone else since BD in late October. He came out, and I think this was helpful b/c he saw everyone was normal about things. We were out pretty late. The following day we hung out and ran errands and just enjoyed being around each other. Sunday we had a lunch date then met up with same group of friends for walking around and enjoying our city. Monday I worked, and met him after work with friends that were his before us - I haven't seen them since BD (even though one lives literally a street away). It was fun/normal until the end. H was pretty drunk when I showed up and being very cute, but towards the end of the night got emotional. He did at some point tell me he does forgive me for everything. He was upset bc I didn't want to stay out - I was tired and we had an early group all day outing today. I handled it well but did ask to table any serious talks for when neither of us had been drinking. Today at said outing, something similar happened, but we also recovered. He leaves tomorrow morning, and then will be back in town Friday.
I did finally bring up this couples weekend program that I have looked at. I've brought it up before early in the game, but was waiting until things were progressing to mention it again. He agreed to do it and is looking into signing us up when he is back at work tomorrow, so that was good.
it was nice having him socially integrate. We didn't only see "my" friends, but some of his, and then also some of our joint friends today as well. I want to bring up going back to MC again soon, b/c I do think we have some communication issues to still work out. He hasn't mentioned moving home or anything, and I am not pushing that. He was so excited to introduce me to new people yesterday, and we took a bunch of pictures together today. He held my hand a lot over the weekend. We have been intimate once this weekend (tried a few other times, but ...life).
Sounding cautiously positive! The fact that he's the one looking into signing you up for the weekend program is a good thing-- I might recommend not pushing and not mentioning it, letting him get you both signed up all by himself.
What is his deal exactly with his other place and work situation? When does his lease there end (do you know)?
When you say you were intimate once but tried a few other times-- was that you initiating and him saying no? (or just too much booze?)
It sounds like he's definitely making an effort, and probably nice for you guys to spend time with friends together and have it be relaxing and fun, and he can see that it won't be all strange because of the situation. I think it is also a good sign that he was excited to introduce you to new friends of his etc. I agree not to push on the move or anything-- in fact one nice thing about him being gone during the week is it really gives you a little space to reflect on what is and isn't working. Last week it sounded like you asked a lot of permission before physical contact-- is that still happening?
Fingers and toes crossed for you, SamCal... sounds like things are definitely improving! Keep up the DBing and I would also caution keep your expectations in check-- seems like the road is never straight and you don't want to let a curve throw you off your game.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Sounding cautiously positive! The fact that he's the one looking into signing you up for the weekend program is a good thing-- I might recommend not pushing and not mentioning it, letting him get you both signed up all by himself.
Thank you and agreed. Since it's through his work, he is the one that has to do all of it, fortunately!
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What is his deal exactly with his other place and work situation? When does his lease there end (do you know)?
He had signed a year lease at the beginning of October, but knew he would be able to break it sans penalty when he is deployed in June. He has to be in our town for predeployment stuff in April for most of the month, and has expressed being annoyed that he can't break it without penalty then. We will see. He left this morning and left some stuff at our house on purpose, since he is coming back Friday evening, then flying out for a school for 2 weeks on Sunday. He left his empty laundry hamper, saying he won't need it at his place since he will only be there a few days...but idk he'd need it eventually?
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When you say you were intimate once but tried a few other times-- was that you initiating and him saying no? (or just too much booze?)
Nah - mutually agreed upon being too tired, or staying out too late, etc. He hasn't ever said no if I initiate, and I haven't during this time as well. I've been more vocal about wanting to, and he always was vocal about it, so the want was there.
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It sounds like he's definitely making an effort, and probably nice for you guys to spend time with friends together and have it be relaxing and fun, and he can see that it won't be all strange because of the situation. I think it is also a good sign that he was excited to introduce you to new friends of his etc. I agree not to push on the move or anything-- in fact one nice thing about him being gone during the week is it really gives you a little space to reflect on what is and isn't working. Last week it sounded like you asked a lot of permission before physical contact-- is that still happening?
I have stopped asking permission for physical contact - I am more comfortable with now knowing he is OK with it, and he was initiating it more over the weekend. We are both pretty anti-PDA, but I have definitely felt like I needed more reassurance with hugs, holding hands, etc. He never said he was uncomfortable with any of it, and definitely has put in effort to be more present with initiating it as well. I am glad to have a few days apart before he comes back, and then will have the 2 weeks while he is out of town, and am hopeful that since the dynamic has changed, he will miss me even more.
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Fingers and toes crossed for you, SamCal... sounds like things are definitely improving! Keep up the DBing and I would also caution keep your expectations in check-- seems like the road is never straight and you don't want to let a curve throw you off your game.
Thank you, I appreciate it. We definitely had some points of friction over the weekend, but both were committed to working through them instead of giving up or ignoring them. He is definitely putting in actual effort. He seemed to want to plan a lot of things for the future over the weekend. He says a lot of things, but thankfully now is doing more action-related things instead of only words. I am still trying to temper my expectations and not rush into things.
It's been sorta odd since he has been staying at our house - we had just moved in at the end of August so he was only there 2 months before BD/MO. I've been in the house alone longer than with him. It is definitely "our" house, though - we had it built and I can tell he misses it, especially when compared to his place now.
In terms of my 180s, I think I did really well over the weekend. I didn't nag or mention any mess that he made, didn't engage when he was being a crab, opened up instead of holding things in.
Between weekends before, I was unsure if he was staying at our house, but now I do know he is staying at our house this weekend b/c he made that clear. I am still wary to trust things, but haven't had any failures where I am, either. He has been vocal to me and others about wanting things to work, and it's nice to see those actions as well. I am hurt still that he doesn't wear his wedding ring, but I haven't brought it up and won't.
Last weekend H came and stayed at the house. We went on fancy date night that Friday, but he didn't feel well and the dogs had thrown up all over the bed and peed in the closet, so it didn't end on the best note. I cried because I was frustrated. H was very good about trying to comfort me, and I was good about not taking it out on him.� (def 180 there)
Saturday he worked a lot, and I felt like he was pretty standoffish but I know he was stressed so I tried to not take it personally and leave him alone. We went to a couple's house that we are friends with, and H brought up a previously discussed joint couples trip to them but then on the way home in the car said we are both still figuring out what we wanted, which hurt me. We did then did go home and have amazing time in bed, where I definitely felt loved.
Sunday morning he initiated a serious R talk before leaving that afternoon for a 2 week work trip. Spent all morning hugging me, kissing me, saying he loved me, saying he had wanted to wait to bring it up until after his trip b/c he wanted to be around and see where I felt about it instead of then jetting off for work.
We have spent the past several days discussing things. I've asked a lot of tough questions - like why the sudden turnaround? He has been impressively communicative and emotionally mature and thorough when answering. He has put in amazing time and effort telling me about his feelings, being super open and emotionally mature. H said that he was sorry for not believing that I could turn things around, but that he saw I really had done the 180s I talked about and that he can tell they were for me and not to win him back. I feel like we are actually on the same page and he is now solutions oriented and in touch and he appreciates how positive I am being, too. I've felt a whirlwind of emotions and just let myself feel them to get through them. I have been open about being scared to trust it, and he has really connected with me again emotionally. Sunday he talked about how he doesn't believe in soulmates (neither do I), but that he never fell out of love with me, but was miserable and hurt with how I was treating him. I sent him a list of things I need to trust it and where I want us to grow (many of these we discussed in MC). I have taken time the past few days to digest and see how I feel about it and how he is acting, and he is showing me with his actions. Has proactively contacted looking for a new MC (neither of us liked the one we had), being in way more contact, etc. A 180 on his part in the past few months. He said he feels much less codependent on me, and feels good about it. We are both careful to not get swept up in the positive emotions, which is reassuring. He said he knows it'll be hard, and that coming back is the harder choice than to leave because of what we need to work through, but that he thinks we can come out the other side together a stronger couple. He clearly has put a lot of thought into this and fully opened up. He has contacted work to see when/how he can move back home and still do whatever duties he is responsible for in the other office. He overall is just more...emotionally grounded I guess is the word? He put his wedding ring back on. I am zero percent confused on how he feels. He's noticed the positive reinforcement I have given him when he opens up and voiced appreciating it. We are still reading some books together. I do feel I handled the tension over the past few weekends when it occurred much better than I had before. I've been fully open about my concerns, but also my commitments. So, we will see, but I do feel good.
Thanks may! I definitely feel I only did sorta OK on actual DB-ing, but I did take the time to work on my mental health and examine the sore spots in our marriage, validate, and give more positive feedback and become way more compassionate. H was a mess for a while, but has really turned a corner and gotten it together and is all in, words and action wise. It's been hard since we have been in different cities since the first day we discussed. He knows it'll take a bit for me to get over the hurt that he caused by leaving, but also now that he has opened up a lot more about it, I get it. He said it hurt him more to leave, but that he was miserable at how I was treating him, and he was bottling it up instead of really talking to me about it (he did half a$s try some and admitted he could have tried better). He said he can see that I do value him as a person, and apologized for not believing that I could work on myself and turn things around. He opened up about how no one in his life who has loved him but treated him poorly some times (parents, boss) has been able to actually change how they are treating him, and that was a lot of why he didn't think it was possible. I am not going to stop DBing in the sense of GALing (this hasn't been really a problem for us that much), working on myself, and not letting his entire mood dictate how I feel. Being kinder to myself means I can be kinder to others, generally. He has been so good about contacting me as much as possible during the day while he is on work trip -I am actually on a (shorter) work trip right now, too. I'm interested to see how this plays out in day to day stuff once we are back together. Not sure when he will be able to move home, depends on work, but he will be in our town the first 2 weeks of April for work. I am definitely still going to read the boards- my thread never got much traction but I am invested in everyone else's stories, even if I never comment.
Wanted to stop in and offer a few words of encouragement. Looks like things are beginning to turn around for you- and that's great.
I feel the same - lots of the people I followed here a year ago have slowly faded into the background. I wish them well, still follow several threads and hope they are doing good. My sit has stabilized but there is little to no sign of moving forward past normal niceties and the like, so I don't post as much anymore. But I'm still here.
Thanks IW, appreciate it. I am looking forward to when he and I are both at home and can really work on this together, and I can see functionally how things are going, and how we handle the pain points. I have an appt with my IC today (we had gone down to once every 2 weeks, so I wasn't supposed to see him this week) to talk it over, too. H doing phone session w his IC this weekend, I think. It's still been a big adjustment to talk so openly about feelings daily, but we are managing.
