KC, this is why expectations will always ruin you. No expectations. Remember, expect the worst, hope for the best. This is why you need to be in IC. You have to be able to deal with all of these emotions. And temper your expectations. And work through everything.
You aren't a fool. You are a cheated on spouse. It happens, even to those that think it never can.
" wth??? He is a married man...."
No he is a lying cheater. That is who he is. You keep seeing the wonderful man you met and married. He isn't that guy anymore. You can try to hold on for dear life to an ideal....or you can recognize the truth and reality and realize this is not someone you want to be with.
If I were you I'd move all of his stuff into the guest bedroom. Forget the boxes, leave them there. If he wants to move them he can.
Sorry KC, I know this is hard. But hand wringing isn't going to help. Now is the time more than ever that you need to act. And double down on DBing. Not for him, for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I tried to validate as best I could without coming off as condescending.
He said that I accused him of cheating ... so after he left and took his ring off.. he did. That if I had to question him I had doubts and if I had doubts I didn't trust which is an accusation.
He went on to write that he sees I am trying to take pride in myself and using the treadclimber in earnest but I should have using it all along as I couldn't keep up with a smoker on the Diamond Head hike in Hawaii 4yr ago... (I made it.. I just went a little slower... I am older by him by 3yr and have much shorter legs than him.. I'm 5'2 and he is 6'.
He then stated he needed to get back to work but then followed up with another text - that the real *witch of it is that the last time I asked if he was sleeping with someone he wasn't.
So - he has noticed that I have been giving him more respect lately, that I am not knitting and that I am exercising... he is paying attention but then he is also not home this weekend and still wants to move into the other bedroom.
I wish I had not contacted him. It just got to me what my friend informed me of... I wasn't sleeping and I should have absolutely taken the route... when in doubt do nothing.
"He said that I accused him of cheating ... so after he left and took his ring off.. he did. That if I had to question him I had doubts and if I had doubts I didn't trust which is an accusation."
Typical words of a lying cheater. "YOU made me do this!" That is the same thing a physical abuser says to their victim. SICKENING.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I wish I had not contacted him. It just got to me what my friend informed me of... I wasn't sleeping and I should have absolutely taken the route... when in doubt do nothing.
Hi KitCat, sorry you had a rough morning. This exchange didn't change that he was already in a PA and announcing it to his friends. Now that it's in the open, this seems like a powerful opportunity to take action such as moving his things to the guest bedroom, directing all future divorce conversation to your attorney, and starting to move on. These actions preserve your integrity--you are not the kind of woman who settles for a lying cheater. This may also introduce doubts his Plan B is leaving and divorce won't be all rosey.
He has been texting me about a credit card bill that comes out of his account.
He is trying to do it on his phone and I trying to clarify how its set up as auto deduct. He is driving looking at homes. He says he can't get onto bank website because he doesn't know passwords. I am at work and can only do this from home.
He is getting angry. I try to diffuse the situation by apologizing and recognizing this is the first time he is handling these things but I guess I apologized too much and he said to just stop it.
I realize I should have said - I know this is aggravating not being able to do all this immediately from your phone and trying to get bills taken care.
I need to get better at validating.
While our exchange was not the best... I did get in some validation so he is opening up more???
I doubt he would have contacted with questions about the credit card if we had not already been texting??
I wish I had not contacted him. It just got to me what my friend informed me of... I wasn't sleeping and I should have absolutely taken the route... when in doubt do nothing.
Hi KitCat, sorry you had a rough morning. This exchange didn't change that he was already in a PA and announcing it to his friends. Now that it's in the open, this seems like a powerful opportunity to take action such as moving his things to the guest bedroom, directing all future divorce conversation to your attorney, and starting to move on. These actions preserve your integrity--you are not the kind of woman who settles for a lying cheater. This may also introduce doubts his Plan B is leaving and divorce won't be all rosey.
YOU CANNOT NICE HIM BACK. He is going to try to get you to just roll with things and give him what he wants. Do not capitulate in the thought that you can be nice and he will come back. Protect yourself. I am not telling you to squeeze every cent out of him you can, but do not just accept what he wants if it isn't fair and equitable.
You can make sure things are done fairly and still do so in a spirit of equability.
Hang in there, we know its tough. Things will get better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I wish I had not contacted him. It just got to me what my friend informed me of... I wasn't sleeping and I should have absolutely taken the route... when in doubt do nothing.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
If you haven't already, May's thread is a great read. She's dealt with a PA and her ex broke it off and seems on the reconciliation path. She simultaneously was clear divorce would not be a happy outcome, while putting up heroic amount of non-pressure and non-prying. In May's case they had younger kids. In your case you do not. It's worth considering there are many people who'd love to be your partner who aren't lying cheaters.
My ex was AMAZING. She taught at Harvard and was a world class athlete, she's an extreme adventurer.. EXCEPT she yelled at me, deceived me, wouldn't re-commit, and was triggered by my son. At some point, you realize those EXCEPTs outweigh the plusses. We were on the reconciliation path and I decided to finally step off it. I had a 2-month rebound after. I had a better time with someone who wasn't up to my ex physically or mentally, but was an honest person looking for commitment.
You said when in doubt do nothing. HE JUST TOLD YOU HE'S CHEATING ON YOU!!! Responding to his texts, helping him, promising to help later, apologizing so much he's asking you to stop..
Consider stop responding until you figure out what you want to do.
I wish I had not contacted him. It just got to me what my friend informed me of... I wasn't sleeping and I should have absolutely taken the route... when in doubt do nothing.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
If you haven't already, May's thread is a great read. She's dealt with a PA and her ex broke it off and seems on the reconciliation path. She simultaneously was clear divorce would not be a happy outcome, while putting up heroic amount of non-pressure and non-prying. In May's case they had younger kids. In your case you do not. It's worth considering there are many people who'd love to be your partner who aren't lying cheaters.
My ex was AMAZING. She taught at Harvard and was a world class athlete, she's an extreme adventurer.. EXCEPT she yelled at me, deceived me, wouldn't re-commit, and was triggered by my son. At some point, you realize those EXCEPTs outweigh the plusses. We were on the reconciliation path and I decided to finally step off it. I had a 2-month rebound after. I had a better time with someone who wasn't up to my ex physically or mentally, but was an honest person looking for commitment.
You said when in doubt do nothing. HE JUST TOLD YOU HE'S CHEATING ON YOU!!! Responding to his texts, helping him, promising to help later, apologizing so much he's asking you to stop..
Consider stop responding until you figure out what you want to do.
I should have never texted him period early this am... I was good and promised myself I would go radio silent. But, now he is reminded at how angry I make him... he can't see past his anger and hurt from what went wrong with us.
He is too much into this person... who he state he has known for years and knows he loves her.
Deep down I know he is filling a need that was left empty by me... I get it.
I have to leave town next week and he said he would take care of the house and dogs. I was stupid enough to state something like
"I know you will take her fishing on my boat, I know you will take her riding on my motorcycle, but I hope you will not bring her here to my home if not out of respect for me for at least my son who is at home"
That upset him and he claimed that I am clearly mistaken who he is... that that statement means I do not value him as a person.
I tried validating - you don't think I respect you as a person?
