We have a saying around here: When he wants to come back, you will know. When he doesn't, you will be confused.
But do not underestimate his capacity for swinging wildly. So many have come here and said "My WAS will never change their mind!" However, he stood before God and witnesses and committed his life to you.....and then changed his mind. They CAN change their mind. Sometimes it takes going through with D before they do. Sometimes they do but the LBS has already moved on and says "thanks, but no thanks".
But to the ocean with him. Focus on you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We have a saying around here: When he wants to come back, you will know. When he doesn't, you will be confused.
But do not underestimate his capacity for swinging wildly. So many have come here and said "My WAS will never change their mind!" However, he stood before God and witnesses and committed his life to you.....and then changed his mind. They CAN change their mind. Sometimes it takes going through with D before they do. Sometimes they do but the LBS has already moved on and says "thanks, but no thanks".
But to the ocean with him. Focus on you.
I think in my case things are much more tenuous. Seeing how we have been down this road before just 2yr ago... and he came back. I'm sure his walls are up much higher. This time rather than keeping things in house and leaning on me. He is leaning on friends and this OW. He is convinced that we never should have married to begin with. We only dated for 6months before he moved in and and then married a year after that. He stated we were still in the honeymoon phase - he feels we are toxic together. These are not words that would have come from my husband... these are words he is hearing elsewhere.
I think his resolve is stronger. He actually told me I should go out and date but he doesn't want to know about it... then why all the snooping on his part? All this interest in where I am and suddenly making me dinner is just a way that I stay a plan B?
I don't know.
But Steve85 please know I am reading and re-reading your messages... I'm making them sink in!!! I'm working on just focusing on me this weekend.
He actually told me I should go out and date but he doesn't want to know about it... then why all the snooping on his part?
Hi KitCat,
We can't read his mind, but as a former walkaway partner, alleviating guilt may be part of it. If you're happily dating, his dating is no longer a transgression, and he's no longer partly responsible for your misery. That doesn't mean he wants to know all the gory details, e.g. ways your new partner is better.
We have a saying around here: When he wants to come back, you will know. When he doesn't, you will be confused.
But do not underestimate his capacity for swinging wildly. So many have come here and said "My WAS will never change their mind!" However, he stood before God and witnesses and committed his life to you.....and then changed his mind. They CAN change their mind. Sometimes it takes going through with D before they do. Sometimes they do but the LBS has already moved on and says "thanks, but no thanks".
But to the ocean with him. Focus on you.
I think in my case things are much more tenuous. Seeing how we have been down this road before just 2yr ago... and he came back. I'm sure his walls are up much higher. This time rather than keeping things in house and leaning on me. He is leaning on friends and this OW. He is convinced that we never should have married to begin with. We only dated for 6months before he moved in and and then married a year after that. He stated we were still in the honeymoon phase - he feels we are toxic together. These are not words that would have come from my husband... these are words he is hearing elsewhere.
I think his resolve is stronger. He actually told me I should go out and date but he doesn't want to know about it... then why all the snooping on his part? All this interest in where I am and suddenly making me dinner is just a way that I stay a plan B?
I don't know.
But Steve85 please know I am reading and re-reading your messages... I'm making them sink in!!! I'm working on just focusing on me this weekend.
It is never a wise think to mind-read a WAS. It is all speculation. Speculation will cause you to focus on the wrong things and compromise your DB efforts.
I know you feel the sitch 2 yrs ago plays into this. I'd have to go back and read your original sitch, but I can tell you that I've seen a lot of WASs over the years. And a lot of them, though unhappy, do not address it. Then they meet an OP, and suddenly their marriage is not salvageable. It disgusts me that they take that tact. Likely you sitch would never of occurred if he hadn't met and/or started being inappropriate with OW. Your previous sitch. Your previous bad W behavior. None of that really matters. Yes you should 180 on that behavior, but for yourself. Not him.
I will repeat. No matter what. The sitch 2 years ago (which by the way speaks volumes to me about this man's character), your bad W behavior. NONE OF THAT JUSTIFIES LYING AND CHEATING. I still get the sense that you blame yourself. STOP IT. "For better or worse. For richer and for poorer. In sickness and health." doesn't mean "unless you don't do what I think a W should do!" Those are vows to stick by a spouse, and to work on the MR. Not "when the going gets tough I am out of here!"
KC, and again. HE IS A LYING CHEATER! Believe nothing he says! "He actually told me I should go out and date but he doesn't want to know about it... then why all the snooping on his part?" Why all the snooping?? Because he wants justification for what he is doing. He wants you to date, he wants to catch you, and then he can play the innocent victim....."Yeah, we were having problems, but then she cheated on me!" It is sickening. It is disgusting. It is manipulative. And it is the act of a utter and total coward. He is trying to push you into one mistake that he can point to as his "reason". After all, "she wasn't a perfect W" is a terrible reason for what he is doing.
"All this interest in where I am and suddenly making me dinner is just a way that I stay a plan B?" Yep, this is usually exactly the case. Do you think for one minute that he is 100% sure in leaving, renting, and marrying this cupcake? I DON'T BUY IT. People do not lightly upend their entire life. If he were that "resolved":
1) He'd already be gone. 2) He'd not be grooming you for Plan B. 3) He wouldn't bother to "wait" for you on documentation. 4) If he hates the commute so much he wouldn't come home nearly as often as he does.
And the excuse about getting taken in his last D is a crock of crap. First, everyone knows, especially someone that has been through it before, that D is one of the most expensive endeavors a person can undertake. And people do not get to be the ones to initiate a D, and then turn around and play the victim card. Think about it, you've made it clear that you do not want this. He could end this all at any moment. (In fact, my fear is that you would take him back without any boundaries, requirements, nor consequences. Which would set you up for BD #3.) He holds all the cards and power (which is something we are trying to work with you to change!). So if he is so worried about getting taken all he has to do is say "nope, I don't want this."
I think it is time that you consider confronting him about OW. And then you can also drop the lawyer bomb on him. I'd love to be a fly on the wall if you ever do!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think especially for the next 4 days I'm going to keep my cards close. He knows I have a terrible poker face. I can't lie about a thing... EVER! However, its a skill I'm learning.
The old me would have blown up the minute he stated he was staying with female friend who has "been there for him" and definitely wants him though he knows that would be a mistake and nothing that would last... I would have disagreed and crushed him with accusations... throwing phone logs at him... reminding him that when I made a comment about a post she placed on his page after he went out solo on NYE that seemed inappropriate that he laughed at me and didn't find it funny that I suggested something was amiss.
I figure the more I validate. The more his guard will come down and the truth will come out... it has in pieces.
I've simply stated I don't need to look at phone logs as I already know exactly what is happening... and he isn't denying. He also stated I needed to stay out of his business and he would stay out of mine because neither of us would be happy finding out what the other was doing... So I haven't come out guns blazing... but I've made it clear I'm aware.
While I've caught myself looking at my phone frequently for a follow up text from him, I literally have NOTHING to say to him period.
I will stay busy. I bought some different perfume. Some new super cute pj's that if he sees will make him wonder why I have something new... lol. I am working out and will plan to go on a hike both weekend days taking one of the dogs at a time since I can't walk them together.
You think he will be home before the 4 days is up... we will see but I will try not to be at home when he does.
Well just got off the phone with a friend who informed me of what was happening on facebook... its not just sex with the OW... he went on to state even though they have known each other for years and this is fledgling g relationship he says he is in love with her...
The worst part is that this guy he is supposedly staying with, R and his wife are all lovey dovey and so happy for them.... wth??? He is a married man....
I thought his snooping was because he was waffling.. that maybe we had a chance...
Ther were apparently very graphic comments about what they were doing last weekend and getting g a room....
I was a fool to think he would come back.
I'm trying to be strong... I know I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He at one point was a wonderful part of my life.
Well just got off the phone with a friend who informed me of what was happening on facebook... its not just sex with the OW... he went on to state even though they have known each other for years and this is fledgling g relationship he says he is in love with her...
The worst part is that this guy he is supposedly staying with, R and his wife are all lovey dovey and so happy for them.... wth??? He is a married man....
I thought his snooping was because he was waffling.. that maybe we had a chance...
Ther were apparently very graphic comments about what they were doing last weekend and getting g a room....
I was a fool to think he would come back.
I'm trying to be strong... I know I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He at one point was a wonderful part of my life.
Wait. He posted on Facebook while he is married about being with another woman? And listed graphic details in the comments about their sex life?
Ew. Who does that?
And are you not friends with him on FB?
Sorry, but he should be embarrassed. That's so tacky. It says so much about him. And her.
Steve is right. Why is he not already gone? Why is he coming home so often if the commute is so hard?
He is saying those things about "honeymoon phases" and "marrying too soon" and "toxic relationship" because that makes him sleep better at night. That's the justification he has made up so he doesn't have to look at himself in the mirror and see the truth. My husband cheated on me and said, "If you were the wife you were supposed to be I wouldn't have done what I did." What a gem. These cheaters make this stuff up for their own benefit and it's pathetic.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Well just got off the phone with a friend who informed me of what was happening on facebook... its not just sex with the OW... he went on to state even though they have known each other for years and this is fledgling g relationship he says he is in love with her...
The worst part is that this guy he is supposedly staying with, R and his wife are all lovey dovey and so happy for them.... wth??? He is a married man....
I thought his snooping was because he was waffling.. that maybe we had a chance...
Ther were apparently very graphic comments about what they were doing last weekend and getting g a room....
I was a fool to think he would come back.
I'm trying to be strong... I know I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He at one point was a wonderful part of my life.
Wait. He posted on Facebook while he is married about being with another woman? And listed graphic details in the comments about their sex life?
Ew. Who does that?
And are you not friends with him on FB?
Sorry, but he should be embarrassed. That's so tacky. It says so much about him. And her.
Steve is right. Why is he not already gone? Why is he coming home so often if the commute is so hard?
He is saying those things about "honeymoon phases" and "marrying too soon" and "toxic relationship" because that makes him sleep better at night. That's the justification he has made up so he doesn't have to look at himself in the mirror and see the truth. My husband cheated on me and said, "If you were the wife you were supposed to be I wouldn't have done what I did." What a gem. These cheaters make this stuff up for their own benefit and it's pathetic.
He unfriended me, my friends and family a week ago... mostly because this started going but its ramped up. He told his parents that he was moving out... but he has a lot of his family seeing this stuff.
What's worse is how his friends, R and his wife are just so lovey dovey with extra hearts all over place on their comments just giving him more jsutification.
I know exactly what I did that led him where he is out. He felt empty and rejected by me... i see how hard he was trying g to connect with me a month ago and I just wasnt there... I was dealing with my own issues... if could only go back he might have continued to lean on me for his support rather than in his loneliness start to confide in someone else.
Back to not sleeping.
This is such a punch in the gut... why doesnt he just own his behavior???? He wants to "rip the bandage" off quickly and just move on.... why doesnt he just tell me he loves her????? And force me to cut him out???
He is going to take her fishing on my boat... go riding with her on my motorcycle... I'm just sick.
