Thanks Wooba, It felt so counter productive to tell him no, but that is what a 180 is, right?
He left early this morning, I was still half asleep. He did tell me he was leaving vs his usual leaving when he goes to work without saying anything. When he told me, I asked if he could text me when he got there. He said he would, and he actually did!
So this last weekend, he went to see his mom. He had asked if I wanted come along and I responded no. I wanted to be mysterious and also, I felt it would be good for him to visit her alone without me there to keep conversations going.
He returned Sunday and has started to become distant again. I am engaging him when the situation presents itself, but he has reverted to ignoring me when he can. I do act like I have a roommate, so I am not going overboard. But for example, he came home while I was cleaning up my dinner dishes, I said, “I cooked some chicken.” He replied he would eat some frozen burritos. He heated them up, and took them into the bedroom and closed the door. I will not see him again until maybe tomorrow after work.
Now, I don’t know if he mentioned this situation to his mom, but I am inclined to think no. I just am feeling helpless. I know I need to remind myself this is a marathon and not a sprint, and in the last ten months things have progressed and I am not at the beginning situation, does anyone have any words of wisdom?
Hi, PLC. Progress seems to slip away, but only if you think of this as being a continuous upward trajectory. In my experience (and from what I’ve read here), there are lots of ups and downs. I’m comforted when I remind myself the only thing I can for sure expect are ups and downs! The key I think is to remember this is normal, and to try not to let them affect you and your PMA as much as possible.
When my H’s moods change, I try to think of him as a science experiment I’m observing from a distance, and that helps me detach a little more. Remember: his ups and downs aren’t about you! You can’t help him through this, but you can give him the space and time to go through it, and that is doing something. If he’s in a mood and ignoring you, I would just give him more space and focus on you. Maybe don’t even mention that you made food. He’ll find it in the fridge if he wants it. Let him engage you. Otherwise, enjoy your dinner and go about your evening however you’d like. Take a glass of wine into the other room and read a book—that’s what I’m doing!
I had remarked to my therapist this week that when he and I did share the room watching the Bryant memorial last week, I was very aware of the distance that has grown between us. He is a stranger in MY house. I have had the last ten months with this house and a roommate all to myself. I have every room except the bedroom he sleeps in as my territory. Sometimes, it is easier to grab that book and a beverage and be happy. I know part of that distance is me not wanting to speak too much or say the wrong thing and just be silent. So this is an education for me too.
Your words help. He is a roommate, science experiment that is 15. I need to observe from afar. I am looking forward to tomorrow evening, a friend invited me to a cooking decorating class. GAL here I come.
I need to remember impatience is my weakness, and to keep trudging forward.
I also have continued to learn so much about me. I have grown new habits, and I enjoy me!
Thank you for your words and virtual hug! It was appreciated.
I don’t know how to change my title. But if I could, it would be HELP.
So H at the beginning of this lockdown, was starting to come out of his shell just a tiny bit. Our daughter came home from grad school for what we all thought would be three weeks, and now, who knows how long. He was sleeping in her room, so when she came home, he went to sleep in the den. He ate dinner with us and we actually all watched a movie. In the last month or so, he had been a little more approachable and was not going anywhere, the OW had posted online she had a new BF and this had been off on H’s end since before Christmas.
Two weeks ago, H had to fly for work and was gone ten days. Before he came home, I told him, our daughter would move I to the living room and he could have her room to socially distance from us since he had been out and about. We also had brief texts while he was gone. Nothing urgent but he did text back, whereas he had not before. He agreed about going in the other bedroom ( I mean, I gave him a perfect option, he can close the door on the house going’s on) he thankfully has not gotten sick, but he is considered essential and leaves daily so I do not see her getting her room back any time soon.
Since he’s been back, I noticed he has been very distant. I remarked to my therapist that I thought something was happening. He won’t eat with us, definitely won’t sit and watch a program. He is very early after the BD behavior again. I went onto Facebook this morning, and his fake account states “single” on a hunch I went to OW and hers said the same thing, I looked, and yep, they are friends again. So the puzzle is coming into clear view. Just now, I looked and he’s “engaged to her” and hers no longer states her status. It all makes sense. The thing is, she 30 years younger, and lives in another country. So he’s not going to see her soon. But now I know, possibly when he traveled, they made contact. I know that maybe it’s possible his birthday triggered something, (it’s Tuesday) and next month is a year since BD.
Friends, I believe this is part of he MLC crisis. It cycles, doesn’t it?I think I got complacent because he was semi normal. I realize, even before the lockdown, he never moved out. He would come home at night 99.9% of the time. We could have basic conversations. Am I wrong to be hopeful even in the midst of this happening still? I want to stand for my marriage. How do I GAL when I can’t go anywhere?
I feel sad. Tomorrow I was shocked that he wants a ham. I honestly didn’t have anything planned. Now maybe we will eat together. But any help would really be appreciated. Thank you all PLC
I'm sorry to hear that PLC. OW is 30 years younger and lives in another country?? sounds like a recipe for disaster......but currently maybe they are connecting online and everything is sunshine and rainbows. I don't have any answers for you....but I think it is never wrong to have hope, you just also need be very aware of the reality - ow/his actions etc...things may look impossible at one point, but you never know what the future holds. GALing does not mean you have to go out, do the things you enjoy doing at home, try to keep yourself upbeat. Live a life that you'd enjoy without thinking about him.
Thank you Wooba, Yes, OW is 26, with two young kids. It’s ridiculous. Ok, I have been GALing in enjoying tv shows, baking and things like that. I know he is chasing his happiness and until he realizes he needs to look within, it will be a futile effort. I’m wondering if anyone has seen this kind of cycle, of almost looking “normal” then going back? They seemed to be broken up for so long and idk if there was another in between for him, but I was beginning to be a little more “there” and he was not avoiding conversations. They weren’t important conversations in the scheme of things, but it was human connection. My therapist reminded me he is in fantasyland. It’s just hard. I need to stay upbeat. Thank you!
Do you want your title changed to "Help"? I will be happy to do it for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
