I would suggest that you not contact the OM about anything at this time. I would suggest that you block the person that you are getting excessive communications from. The best thing to do is just leave things be. The more you attempt to rationalize w/your w, the more frustrated you are going to get. You don't want to push them together by attempting to contact the OM or telling your w that you want to do so. She will feel the need to protect him at all costs. The less you say about the situation, the better. If the affair is ongoing, it needs to die a natural, slow death on its own.
Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue moving forward. No more relationship talks, no more talks about contacting the OM. Block the woman today.
Focus on you!
Thank you for the great advice Job. This is exactly what I should do not even though I have a strong desire to have a closure of some sorts. Guess forcing her will only make her come a conclusion that I'm a begging, pleading slob.
I'm still wrapping my head whether my W is a WW or MLC... Or does it really matter anyway now?
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Its just so unfair to not give my kids the best childhood without either of the parents around. It felt like I failed them because I couldn't control myself better to become the husband that my W wants.
So start to become the BEST DAD you can be.
If you do that you can not lose and your children will benefit.
If i was giving your wife advice I would tell her to trust YOUR ACTIONS not your words.
I am sorry you find yourself in this common sitch. I am glad you found this support group. It is full of great people with many different perspectives. The hard part for most is grasping the appropriate changes needed and applying them at the appropriate times. You will get conflicting advise. The key is to identify when to use specific advise.
For example, you will be told to act happy. There are times whens you should absolutely do this. There are other times when you should control all of your emotions and not react emotionally.
A couple of my mantras: "I am the emotional rock" and "The first one to react emotionally looses"
Obviously you are angry about your wife's behavior. It is your job to control this anger. You channel this anger into positive changes. Maybe in the past you yelled at her. Now you just listen. You can release this anger at a later time. Some guys lift weights. Releasing emotions is healthy. Best to do this in a safe private place. Some people cry in the shower, some will park in a remote parking lot and scream and yell. Find ways to let it out.
Now that the affair is out in the open, it will not be as much fun for them.
The best way to get her back is the set her free. Focus on your behavior. Learn new ways to interact.
I have seen many relationships turn around. The sooner you let go trying to control this, the sooner things will turn around.
My D6 even randomly gave me hugs and kisses as if she knew I needed it badly...
She knows.
Originally Posted by Ahkuei
Its just so unfair to not give my kids the best childhood without either of the parents around. It felt like I failed them because I couldn't control myself better to become the husband that my W wants.
Life isn't fair. Maybe you failed. So what. All successful people have a graveyard of failure behind them, that's how they learned. Are you learning or hanging out in the graveyard?
R2C's advice about channeling that anger is beautiful. The bright side of your sitch is that you can totally change and become a better person here.
Your W is wayward. Did this happen out of the blue or did she find this OM to get certain needs met? What needs were you not fulfilling? None of this excuses her behavior. She was and is a willing participant in an abhorrent act. Don't let this slide, but don't focus on this either.
I notice you mentioned a phone addiction. I was addicted to my phone for a while. It's unattractive, wasteful, antisocial, etc.. Has this changed?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Your W is wayward. Did this happen out of the blue or did she find this OM to get certain needs met? What needs were you not fulfilling? None of this excuses her behavior. She was and is a willing participant in an abhorrent act. Don't let this slide, but don't focus on this either.
I notice you mentioned a phone addiction. I was addicted to my phone for a while. It's unattractive, wasteful, antisocial, etc.. Has this changed?
We were living the normal life when last October we had a big event where i snapped about my dad caving in to give candies to Ds and my W was nagging me behind me about my dad is spoiling the Ds. After that a bunch of things started to happened. One detail i left out was that she offered her friend and her son to stay with us in a spare room because her friend was also undergoing a D.
Then things started to go downhill. I've noticed that my W was emulating her friend too. From wearing an anklet, to getting ear studs and suddenly wanting to use a Macbook (her friend has all these). She was basically trying to emulate her friend.
I've been sharing nuggets of info with her friend because she could see the hostility between us and her comments were "I think your W isn't thinking straight. I don't even like my current situation and she's trying to copy me. She doesn't know what she's missing."
On the phone addiction issue. I don't think it's an addiction. I was on my phone because i was working out of it. Clearing emails daily was my daily chore because i hate seeing the bloody red dot on my apps. My W mentioned that she was pissed off when i promised to take care of the kids while she clears hers and then i was on my phone. She ended up taking care of the kids. That was my fault i admit. I have broken the promise that I would take care of the kids. I've cleaned up my act so far but there's still room for improvement.
This morning she just got out of the house to work without even waking the kids up (she usually does this because we have to send them to school). A couple of hours later she sent me a screenshot of her work email sending to the OM that they have to stop communication because she received unnecessary confrontation due to misunderstanding from his family issue.
And she just posted a text; "there"
What is she trying to prove here? She is putting an end to this to spite me or she's telling me that she can resolve her own issues?
I replied "thank you for doing this to remove yourself from the situation". No response from her so far. Seems like she's really hell bent on moving away from me.
Went to a therapist earlier on and spilled out everything to her. She advised me to take care of myself but at the same time find a common connection point to work on it. Example, parenting issues, house issues. NO R talks for now. Seems very in line with DB too. Her only concern for me is that I'm displaying suicidal tendencies and also if I have what it takes to stand even if the results are still divorce or separation.
Sorry for the long post. These few days were just too overwhelming for me... And I really want to thank everyone here that read my post and giving me advice. This is very important to me that I'm not alone in this...
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Your W is wayward. Did this happen out of the blue or did she find this OM to get certain needs met? What needs were you not fulfilling? None of this excuses her behavior. She was and is a willing participant in an abhorrent act. Don't let this slide, but don't focus on this either.
I notice you mentioned a phone addiction. I was addicted to my phone for a while. It's unattractive, wasteful, antisocial, etc.. Has this changed?
We were living the normal life when last October we had a big event where i snapped about my dad caving in to give candies to Ds and my W was nagging me behind me about my dad is spoiling the Ds. After that a bunch of things started to happened. One detail i left out was that she offered her friend and her son to stay with us in a spare room because her friend was also undergoing a D.
Then things started to go downhill. I've noticed that my W was emulating her friend too. From wearing an anklet, to getting ear studs and suddenly wanting to use a Macbook (her friend has all these). She was basically trying to emulate her friend.
I've been sharing nuggets of info with her friend because she could see the hostility between us and her comments were "I think your W isn't thinking straight. I don't even like my current situation and she's trying to copy me. She doesn't know what she's missing."
On the phone addiction issue. I don't think it's an addiction. I was on my phone because i was working out of it. Clearing emails daily was my daily chore because i hate seeing the bloody red dot on my apps. My W mentioned that she was pissed off when i promised to take care of the kids while she clears hers and then i was on my phone. She ended up taking care of the kids. That was my fault i admit. I have broken the promise that I would take care of the kids. I've cleaned up my act so far but there's still room for improvement.
This morning she just got out of the house to work without even waking the kids up (she usually does this because we have to send them to school). A couple of hours later she sent me a screenshot of her work email sending to the OM that they have to stop communication because she received unnecessary confrontation due to misunderstanding from his family issue.
And she just posted a text; "there"
What is she trying to prove here? She is putting an end to this to spite me or she's telling me that she can resolve her own issues?
I replied "thank you for doing this to remove yourself from the situation". No response from her so far. Seems like she's really hell bent on moving away from me.
Went to a therapist earlier on and spilled out everything to her. She advised me to take care of myself but at the same time find a common connection point to work on it. Example, parenting issues, house issues. NO R talks for now. Seems very in line with DB too. Her only concern for me is that I'm displaying suicidal tendencies and also if I have what it takes to stand even if the results are still divorce or separation.
Sorry for the long post. These few days were just too overwhelming for me... And I really want to thank everyone here that read my post and giving me advice. This is very important to me that I'm not alone in this...
Let me tell you a little story:
In my first sitch, in 2005, I installed spyware on our home computer and caught my W IMing with another guy, intimate chats. Prior to that I had started to get suspicious. She was working on a project and liked to work after our D went to bed. Since I had to get up for work I would go to bed fairly early. She was staying up until 2-3am working on this project. Oh....and IMing with her OM. I got out of bed one night to share something with her and when I came into the home office, I saw her quickly switch her screen on the computer. That got me even more suspicious. So one day I snooped, saw a strange name on her IM client, and asked her about him. She was evasive, said he was an old friend from school (true), and that she didn't chat with him much or often (lie). When I installed the spyware the first conversation I captured was her telling OM about me asking about him. And she suggested that some evening, when I was around, that they could IM innocently to show me that there was no concern. The very next night is when I found a lengthy email where he spent 60% of the time trying to convince her to meet him so they could do what they had so often IM'd about sexually.
BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS OR SHOWS YOU. She is an lying cheater. Never trust a lying cheater.
A better response would have been: "Interesting." Keep it vague. Make her wonder. The more she questions what you are thinking, feeling, planning, doing the better for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I will heed your advice Steve85... As much as it hurts I will have to keep standing for myself.
Last night she started to talk her work stuff as if nothing happened the day before. I had a hard time because i thought my emotions are still running high and she's treating like nothing happened. Sometime I wonder how can she pull that off.
And I like your "interesting." response. I'll be sure to apply it if the need arise next time!
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Nothing much happened these couple of days except that she went out celebrating her colleagues’s birthday and I supposed there was drinking because she came home around 3am.
I was on full on LRT mode and even though that night where she went drinking I was miserable I lived thru it.
Fast forward to today. There were some slight changes in her but I was wary that it might be a false start.
She changed her mind about staying over at her friends place next week and replaced it with just dinner and drinks. She was more comfortable with me standing close together, and she seemed to want to hang out with me and the kids. She also talked more about her new hairstyle and things she needs to buy. And before we go to bed she was complaining to me about her work and how she is going to look for another job. Interestingly this conversation lasted a good 30 mins.
This is all very new to me and I’m not sure if I’m reading it correctly. Is this a false start or is this a sign of things improving? I’m not going to stop DBing that’s for sure...
Anyone out there with similar situations can give me some pointers?
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
I'm not a longterm member here Ahkuei but in my sitch my W sent me a screenshot of her messages with OM telling him it's over but wouldn't share her phone with me and quickly dismissed me asking saying "I've deleted it anyway". I'm sure she has still contacted him since. Don't fall for it, don't believe it. I think it often takes several attempts to remove the affair partner. What I feel I've slipped up on though was being quite demanding about her ending things as I think it led to W lying further and taking it underground.
