Thanks BenB

[ovrrnbw]

We are animals, and most animals can sense when something isn't right.

"Your affair disgusts me, please leave this house". Be simple and cut to the chase. Don't worry about it sounding nice, just don't be rude.


Why are your kids in the MBR?

[SteveLW]

Mumin, you've been getting great advice from the posters here. I would just like to add, that respect is paramount in these situations. COMMAND respect, do not demand it.

For instance, not even entertaining moving out of the MBR or the marital home is COMMANDING respect. I love the: "I live here. You want, I wish you the best." That is commanding respect.

I get a lot of questions related to why my sitch turned around so fast, and that I was able to save it. As I read other people's sitches one thing comes back: RESPECT. My W never stopped respecting me. She never did anything, even in the middle of our sitch, to blatantly disrespect me. Sure having an EA was disrespectful, but she did her best to hide that from me. But where I see she respected me, even above and beyond her saying she did, was that she never even hinted at staying in the house. Her plan from the get-go was to get a job, get an apartment and get a D. She never broached the idea of me leaving or giving up the house. She didn't even want to get half of everything (I think that was more guilt than respect but I think there was an aspect of respect involved.)

Point? Command respect. Use action, not words. If she gets on phone with OM, leave. Don't tell her you're leaving, just get up and get out of the house. If she does it again after that, do it again. Consistent behavior will get the message across. Consider moving her out of the MBR. Don't tell her to move out of it, MOVE her out yourself. WHen she protests, listen and validate. But stand your ground. "I refuse to share the MBR with a cheater."

And then ask her to leave the house. Legally she probably doesn't have to. But make it known that you don't even want to share a house with a cheater.

You need to command respect, even if it upsets her. Moving her out of the MBR will upset her, but she will upset you.

[SteveLW]

And you got great advice from hoos. Hoos and my sitches weren't exactly alike, but one area they were is that our WAWs/WWs respected us because we COMMANDED respect. After some bad behavior on our part that didn't command respect.

SO my final point? It is never too late to start commanding respect.

[Mumin]

Hi all and big thanks for such great posts!
I have had a VERY busy weekend with the kids, been fun and really enjoyable.


Realized I probably wont be able to buy the house so actually have started looking at a listing of a "new" (smaller and a lot less work needed) house.
Also told the kids tonight (Sunday). Wrote W on Friday that we could do it together on Monday (like the fourth time I bring it up since all this started) and she never replied so I just did it.
At least I am starting to really take command/control of my own life. Feels really good!
Also finally the bed I ordered for D1 should be shipped this week. Might totally re-decorate her room without telling W. That would def be a 180 in several ways.

Anyway, tomorrow night will be the next encounter and I will try and apply your tips. It is likely that she will be talking to him again.
In some ways your replies give me a bit of a mixed message (though I totally agree with and think I understand the meaning). One suggestion is for me to leave the house while another is tell her to leave.
How is "just get up and leave", commanding respect? Telling her to leave seems a lot stronger but not sure I will go there tomorrow. Need to focus on the kids. If she is able to...

IF she talks to him in the MBR I will just go in there and fix my stuff to MAKE her move.
If she asks why intruding i will say:
"I live here. I do as I please in my house."
or
"Your going to act out on your affair here? So the kids can hear? Makes me sick! please leave the house!"

[Mumin]

Why are your kids in the MBR?

Kids were in MBR because W cant lift them because of Boob-job. She put them to bed there together and then I actually carried D2 into her room and went to sleep in MBR. W slept in extra room.

D1 likes to sleep in MBR (since years ago) when one of us is not home. Shes a sensitive soul and 5 yrs old so not a strange thing. At least not around here.
This is why I am ordering a new bed and will redecorate her room. She (D1) and I decided this weekend that when she has her new bed she will always go to sleep in her own room.

[Mumin]

Wrote to her this morning about telling the kids and that I put the kids in queue to a new school in another area of our city.
W - Oh okey.. Feels weird that you talked to them without me (sad emoji)
W - Feels like your starting to take decisions on your own. And I guess I understand. I guess its hard when we don't see eachother that much. (Total bullshit since she knows we'll see eachother tonight and I asked her on friday).
Me - When you don't answer me I have to take decisions on my own.

W (after wrote about the queue) - I understand. But take it easy H... Feels like you are assuming things and taking decisions based on that.

Haven't answered her to that last one.

[Mumin]

Another talk last night. W approached me.
Basically about my texts and what they mean. As suspected she thinks everything stands still in terms of how we discussed things earlier (before DB)
Said I am getting my head around things. Including considering how I want to live when we sell the house. Said the way things are now won't work long-term. (didn't mention any time frame)
Also Made it clear to her that she won't be living here if I buy her share of the house.
Also said circumstances have changed and validated her feelings a bit.

W basically said, I understand that you are different to me now and I feel I don't have much of a say in things since I put us in this situation.
Confessed OM. "I'm seeing OM, which you have probably figured out." (I didn't really comment on it. Should I have?)
She also said you have to understand I have to understand all these changes in my way of handling things are big changes for her. I was screaming inside but validated.
Kept asking me about house and living situation and eventually said something like "I am logging out, you have to make a decision. Tell me when you have Decided."

I think She says this because she feels she won't have a good chance at getting proper housing for her and the kids.
I said you could probably find a place to rent.

Probably sleeping at my brother's place tonight. (for me)

[AnotherStander]

Confessed OM. "I'm seeing OM, which you have probably figured out." (I didn't really comment on it. Should I have?)

No, I think no reply was for the best. I mean what do you say to that? "Congrats, I hope he enjoys your new boobs"?

She also said you have to understand I have to understand all these changes in my way of handling things are big changes for her. I was screaming inside but validated.

Yes poor her. All this business of tearing up a family can be so stressful! Hopefully it doesn't impact her shiny new relationship with OM too much. Sarcasm aside, good job not getting drawn into an argument. You can see how ridiculous she is being but she can't see it. Not right now. I think later she will.

Kept asking me about house and living situation and eventually said something like "I am logging out, you have to make a decision. Tell me when you have Decided."

She needs to get out. Period. Don't share a house with a cheater!

I think She says this because she feels she won't have a good chance at getting proper housing for her and the kids.
I said you could probably find a place to rent.

She's got to learn that life without you may not be the easy street she thinks it is. And the sooner you get her out of there the sooner that process can start.

[Mumin]

Thinking strongly about filing for D. Will take six months to process here.
Not exactly keen on being married to someone who is in anothet relationship...
What's you guys take on this?
Will take at least a few days to think no matter.

[ovrrnbw]

Hey Mumin,

I don't think you're ready. If this was a 100% dealbreaker you'd have filed for divorce already.

Keep detaching, keep working on your 180's, start GAL to the point where you avoid her R talks. Let that crap build inside of her instead of you always being there to be here outlet. When my sitch was bad, I'd take a change of clothes to work, and go do something and come home late like 10 or 11 pm and go straight to bed. I know you have kids so this makes it harder but just keep looking for ways to make this happen.