I’m not even looking for a R talk or anything specific just some sort of life beyond the shark eyes and hiding. Am I playing with fire? Any suggestions....is it really to continue leaving him alone?
Remember anything and everything can and usually is pressure to a person in crisis. A big part of your path is letting go and moving forward. The idea of outlasting MLC, if you like. You didn’t break him, so you can’t fix him.
I do understand your desire to know what is going on in his head. However, there is no real way. MLCer are confused and driven by, and run from, emotions. They change their minds all the time - just like emotions change all the time.
When H is silent, is the best chance for stuff to percolate in his mind. And he needs lots of percolating. Be the roommate and keep moving forward. Compassionate indifference.
Poking at him is playing with fire. And what I mean by “poking” is attempting to see what he is thinking about. He doesn’t know why or what is going on. An MLCer blames their spouse for the problems, and therefore justifies their behaviour. You don’t want to fed that irrational rewritten truth.
The LBS lets them be, and hopefully the MLCer realizes that their spouse hasn’t been bothering them and yet their problems still remain. Therefore it can’t be their spouse’s fault and they look inward. That is the basic idea.
You can still talk and respond to him. Just be roommate-like with suggested activities (if you want). Hey H, I’m going to the store you want to come along? (Expectations at zero) If you want to try something when he is around.
Letting him talk, and listening, reveals clues to “where” his is. He just needs to feel like it. Anything more forceful will most likely be met with force.
So we move forward. Find ourselves. Heal. Take up activities; old ones let go long ago or new ones we are eager to try.
We can become the best versions of ourselves in the midst of all this.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Kindly, Just checking in to see how you are doing. New to this forum and trying to reach out and catch up on others' sitch. Hope you are hanging in there with all that is happening in the world. Sending you good thoughts and peace. Blessings
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Hello DB friends, hope everyone is keeping well and doing their best to take care of themselves and others during this time.
Thx so much for checking in on me Believe6, and dnj, Cardinal, Wooba, peacetoday for your comments and wisdom. I’ve been MIA for a bit to take care of myself and others. My plate has been very full between work and unfortunately worry. I had family members that were out of Country and like many, I was very concerned about their safe arrival back home which finally happened a couple of days ago. On top of that I became very sick again (respiratory /pneumonia) and was trying desperately to avoid a hospital visit/stay with everything that’s going on. I’m out of the woods now and feeling quite a bit better, just not 100% but getting there. Again like many I will also find out next week if I’m laid off work. All in all it’s been a lot and that’s not even mentioning MLC fun.
UPDATE: since I last wrote...I have retained a lawyer at his constant and repeat demand to “get a lawyer”. Right out of the gate I couldn’t be happier with her...she sent the most PERFECT correspondence to him (I think anyway)...basically stating that she has been retained, my intention is for reconciliation and that she awaits his or his lawyers correspondence. (I think it’s brilliant because he wants to take NO responsibility for any of this). Meanwhile she has all of my organized documents and is fully aware of my “unique” situation and his potential beezare timeline. This was 2 weeks ago. NOTHING has happened ....no further contact. As of right now he too is off work so the last 2 weeks have been fully spent in the house together. I don’t even know what to say anymore about his behaviour. At times it seems so normal it makes me think I’m crazy and this is not MLC ...but then I did a bad thing the other day and yes I had a snoop!!! I’m not proud of it cause I haven’t done that in so long and of course it helps NOTHING! I now know he has added numerous EXPENSIVE dinners to his spending spree as well as a tattoo of some sort to go along with his bike!!!! I find he’s always whistling or kinda humming something and just generally seems very content and happy with life. I feel like there is ZERO reflection or thought happening on his end as he sits almost all day and watches movies or plays video games. As much as I’m off his roller coaster, being around this all day ... hurts. The behaviour is still very confusing. At times I’m completely ignored, then he’ll ask if I want wine or food. Just when you start to see a glimmer of “hmmm maybe at some point he could come out of this”, he reminds you that he’s still an alien with one sentence referring to you as his “ex-wife”!!!! Wtf... we don’t even have separation papers yet....easy tiger!
I’m finding it very difficult right now being isolated IN the house with him and being “a distant roommate”, especially when he’s popping up to talk about the virus or to tell me something about work. It’s too “comfortable” for him again and he fully sees me as someone he used to be married to.
ME: working a lot right now (prob till next week), talking on the phone a lot with friends and coworkers, cleaning, baking (Cardinal!!!!!), got out in th garden for an hour yesterday, but truthfully just generally feeling numb. Numb to everything that’s going on right now globally and personally.
Thx for reading, hope everyone is well.
Xo
Last edited by job; 03/26/2001:38 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Kindly, it’s good to hear from you! I feel for you. It’s not easy living with these Hs, especially now. I’m struggling to get used to the new normal of being at home.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I find he’s always whistling or kinda humming something and just generally seems very content and happy with life. I feel like there is ZERO reflection or thought happening on his end as he sits almost all day and watches movies or plays video games. As much as I’m off his roller coaster, being around this all day ... hurts. The behaviour is still very confusing.
I could have written pretty much the same thing (and I guess I have, in my thread lately). I saw a break in the content mood last night, so I guess we’ve got to keep in mind things are not always as they appear. It seems their apparent happiness is a fragile one. When I was seeing H intermittently before all this and he was being friendly, I must have imagined maybe he was a changing a bit, but in close quarters now it also seems there is zero reflection on his end and no more maturity. Just distractions.
I am baking too. What have you made lately? I’m also enjoying this time to be out in the garden, although the temp is supposed to drop tonight, so I guess I need to cover the seedlings later today.
My gosh...so funny...read my post on your thread knowing that I hadn’t read your post here yet!! SOOOOO parallel. And I asked about your baking and even the garden! Too much xo ! I’ve made my famous (by fam standards) chocolate chip pecan banana bread, I tried my hand at scones ...not too bad but I’d like another try...I think I over worked the dough. I was thinking of trying 3 ingredient peanut butter banana I’ve cream ....not too sure about this one we’ll see. I’m a sucker for ice cream and chocolate!!! I just uncovered my asparagus patch the other day ...they should be poking through the soil in the next few weeks...
Kindly, I read what you wrote above and on Carindal's thread. Please be good to yourself. As your handle implies, be kind to yourself. Breathe. Find ways to drown out your thoughts. I put some ideas on Cardinal's thread and I think it applies to you too. Whatever you do, let things play out on their own. You already got the lawyer. So there's no response. That's fine. Right now is all there is. Make each moment a good one. Your good one. For you. Blessings!
W (me): 50 H: 46 M: 21 T: 25 S:17 D:15 BD 11/2019
Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
I’ve very quickly gone from H asking if I’d like food he’s made or wine yesterday to him irresponsibly leaving the house to get “packing supplies” today. I kindly asked him not to subject himself - and therefore me - to unnecessary risk to this virus by going out to stores which aren’t necessary right now. (Esp since I am in a very high risk bracket with this thing and a pre-exsisting condition ) His response was that he is bored and needs to start packing stuff up, and he’s tired of watching movies etc....I responded with there’s no telling how long this will go on for and everyone is in the same boat, perhaps read a book or walk or bike ride. I followed up with I’m not telling you what to do but would appreciate the consideration of being responsible during this time and avoiding unnecessary risk. He came back inside, told me he ordered stuff online - to which I’m responded thank you that was a better decision- only to turn around an hour later and go to the store to get storage bins!!!!!! Is this seriously part of the confusion. He’s been outside for hours and it sounds like he’s literally taking apart the garage. What is he packing? And where is it going??? And do I care??
Do I say anything, do anything or just continue to ignore and act “as if”???
I feel like I’m right back to month #2 with him on a mission to go -only work got in his way for 5 months I guess. Now with everything shut down he’s bored, stir-crazy and prob fighting demons that are staring him in the face and NEEDS to go again. But to start packing stuff up with no separation agreement or anything moving further along with lawyers....what the heck is he thinking (rhetorical question - I know he’s not!). What’s a LBS girl to do??
Protect yourself as much as possible during this time. Your h is a man/child and like most teens, will hear what you have to say and then the exact opposite. You are lucky he ordered stuff online. His brain is fried and he may very well think that the virus may not ever touch him....but it's everywhere and going to the store to get storage bins is not a necessary errand in my books.
As for the sounds he's making in the garage...well, "mom" that his way of taking out his frustrations at you and the world as it is right now. He feels trapped and bored...he's not emotionally mature enough to realize or care that we are all in the same boat.
The more you point out the health risks of this virus, the more determined he will be to do the exact opposite, i.e., just to prove you're wrong. You've cautioned him and asked him politely not to go out, etc., so there's not much more you can do about him running around. Wash everything down, especially the things he touches when he returns home. Maybe it's a good thing that he's out in the garage banging around.
Dig deeper for patience and do whatever you need to do to keep your family safe. BTW, yes, things will be a bit more crazier as time rolls on, especially if he has to remain at home.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
