This site has saved my sanity and dignity. When feeling discouraged or hopeless I have often come here and just read other threads or the statements R2C posts. They pick me up and remind me I will be okay.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
How do you fight for your H? You fight for him by letting him go. Again, DBing is counter intuitive. It goes against your natural instincts to chase and convince him to stay.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Here is your problem. As the LBS, no matter what you do, he'll say it's the wrong thing. If you fight and chase he'll accuse you of smothering him and being controlling. If you DB he'll claim he wants to be chased and fought for. You're darned if you do and darned if you don't..... According to his words.
But if you let him go, give him time and space, then all these other dynamics we've talked about could eventually come into play. He'll get curious why you aren't chasing, calling, hounding. As you distance, he'll get the urge to pursue. Whether he does or not, none of us know.
What I can't tell you is I've seen dozens, maybe hundreds of these sitches, and pressure and pursuit work in less than 1% of the cases. DBing only gives you a 50/50 chance, less the worse you are at it. As you can see, the best chance you have is to DB the best you can. But it isn't up to you or anyone else other than him ultimately.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You've already told him you don't want divorce and you feel you can change. Don't tell him anymore. That's not working. As it says in DR, don't do more of the same.
Now show him. But show him by doing it for you.
Stop asking his permission to do things. Stop asking him if it's okay to leave the dogs inside or if he can help you with them. Instead, say something like, "I'm heading out. Dogs in or out?" or "I'm heading out. Put the dogs out when you leave." "We will have to make arrangements for dogs in March. How can you help?"
As far as an AP goes, I asked my husband straight out if he had one and he said no. He had been with someone for a year already. Integrity and affairs don't go together.
Make a playlist of awesome songs that make you happy and feel empowered.
When he looks at your stomach, instead of feeling less than, think "what a jerk. I can do better."
Flip the script. Think of something he did unkind to you today and realize he doesn't treat you very well.
Yes, you made mistakes. Well, he's not exactly a knight in shining armor right now either. Because you haven't forgiven yourself yet you keep beating yourself up. He is acting like a big fat victim and you definitely want to stop playing into that.
You've got this. Start telling yourself you do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
"on the spot" often means someone wants to pressure you to make a choice. The best go-to answers are, "I'll need some time to think about this before I make a decision." If asked for an ETA, "I'll get back to you on that." If the offer is a fair one, they should have no problem giving you time to consider it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
he said he has felt X for a long time and he tried to tell me....
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Good ways to validate his feelings might be "You felt X for a long time, but you couldn't tell me?" or "You felt X for a long time, but you didn't think I heard you?" To me, your statement starts by validating his feelings, but then shifts towards you and apologizing and expressing your critical inner voice.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Nothing you do will save this M. This M will be saved if and when he decides he wants to save the M.
You shouldn't be doing anything as a "wake up call". He will see right through the manipulation and it will push him further away. You let go and detach. FOR YOU. Move on. FOR YOU. Let him live life without you. FOR YOU.
Doing that MIGHT wake him up. It might not. But it will allow you to move forward with dignity, self-respect, and a healthy outlook on life.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
He's the one cheating. But he sure loves to provide you with a laundry list of everything you did wrong and then punish you for it.
I would call his bluff. If he wants out so badly because you are such an awful, horrible human being, who didn't listen, or wake him up on time, or forgot to take his clothes out of the dryer, or because you don't have the body of a 20 year old anymore, then he can leave. Show him the door.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Bringing in your own attorney only means a "fight" if one of you wants one. The result of most fights doesn't change the outcome much---you should get 50% of the assets, and then whomever makes more money pays the person who makes less money a good chunk of that for a number of years relative to the length of the marriage in spousal support. Your attorney should be able to tell you the norm in your state.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Filing for separation or divorce changes NOTHING. With him in an active PA it is just a legal procedure. Nothing more nothing less. He is no more your H with S as he is with D. S is no less final, or more final, than D.
I see LBS get fixated on avoiding D at all costs. First, it is out of your control. If he wants a D he doesn't need your consent, nor does he need you to know the truth on assets, etc. D is not a finality. Lots of couples get D'd and then end up getting back together. Drop your fear of D, it is causing you to focus on the wrong things and do the wrong things. Stop trying to control him and the sitch. You can't.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
