So in order to try to save my M... I kick him out?
Nope. You kick him it because he is a lying cheater.
And why is it your job to get him up for work. Stop doing that.
Well at least I didn't get him up on time???? I made sure he was up 2 1/2 hr late. Besides I need to go to bed too...and he's in it...lol.
He was nice and chatty and asking where I has been... hmmm out with friends... he wasnt upset for the most part. I thought it was going to he a good night.
Right ar the end he points out the paperwork of financial statements for D. Last we talked it was legal S While he stated it was not what he thought he never said no. The day we discussed he was so stressed and I said I wanted breathing room and a cooling off period. He even said atty said legal S was way to destress a situation. But he never said no.... and now we are back to but he isn't saying D and he is being evasive.
I'm getting upset. He says fine he will file and fill out and sign. I have a year to sign and if I don't sign its gonna be game on pointing to my son's room. I said are you threatening me?
The weather here is bad and I think he went off the road twice on his way to work. He briefly talked on the phone. Clarified that we are still sitting down and doing numbers when hi bonus is in next week. He tried to defend himself by saying he got screwed in his last D. You are going to get screwed. You are going to part with 1/2 of everything. Your cushy retirement is going to be less so.
After things calmed down... he's sent some texts basically saying I'm not listening to him, I'm overthinking everything and I'm frustrating to deal with.
I stopped arguing by trying to validate------- I understand it's not easy being here right now and I didnt mean to upset you by raising my voice. I am sorry.
Still no word that he is gone till who knows when... given that tonight sucked probably not too soon.
What is wrong with me that I think I need to have the last word????
He got up and he was late. He was actually nice and relaxed. He casually asked about the Discover bill but I did not have answers to his questions and stated that but still talked it through with him.
He stated he hadn't made anything for dinner so he was going to get a salad from the store.
As he is getting ready to head out he walks to the table and says this is the paperwork we need to fill out just don't read the cover letter.
i just should have said ok and act as if........................ UGH
Instead I reacted from a place of hurt and confusion and he is NOT wanting to deal with any emotion from me. I was trying to get clarification on what was happening S or D. He reacted from a place of anger where he shouted off that he would do everything and he would file because this was going to D.. final.
He left feeling I had raised my voice. He left feeling anger. Those two things just strengthen his resolve to leave.
If I had just let him walk out the door we could have had a positive experience rather than a negative one.
We texted a bit this morning. He said now was the time. We would talk next week. I let him have the last text.
He will be out with OW all weekend.
I have left his love tank on empty too long... he tried to tell me... he felt I wasn't listening and had lost interest in him. The latter couldn't be further from the truth.
I have to see atty... I guess I should take off my ring.
More relationships end because of a wife's panic than a husband's determination to leave.
I have been in panic mode. I have woken him up when it wasn't necessary and he couldn't go back to sleep. I went into the bedroom yesterday when I really didn't have too... and woke him up.
My panic has pushed him further away and cemented his resolve that this is unfix-able.
I have to get my panic under control. But even as I go to atty I feel it will escalate things to where they were with his EW... he will have a knee jerk reaction of previous experience and shut down and bring on the fight.
A fight will not save this M. Letting go and detaching. Moving on. Letting him life without me is my only chance of a wake up call for him.
He's the one cheating. But he sure loves to provide you with a laundry list of everything you did wrong and then punish you for it.
I would call his bluff. If he wants out so badly because you are such an awful, horrible human being, who didn't listen, or wake him up on time, or forgot to take his clothes out of the dryer, or because you don't have the body of a 20 year old anymore, then he can leave. Show him the door, Kit.
A fight will not save this M. Letting go and detaching. Moving on. Letting him life without me is my only chance of a wake up call for him.
Nothing you do will save this M. This M will be saved if and when he decides he wants to save the M.
You shouldn't be doing anything as a "wake up call". He will see right through the manipulation and it will push him further away. You let go and detach. FOR YOU. Move on. FOR YOU. Let him live life without you. FOR YOU.
Doing that MIGHT wake him up. It might not. But it will allow you to move forward with dignity, self-respect, and a healthy outlook on life.
You never answered me on IC. IF you aren't in IC why not?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A fight will not save this M. Letting go and detaching. Moving on. Letting him life without me is my only chance of a wake up call for him.
Nothing you do will save this M. This M will be saved if and when he decides he wants to save the M.
You shouldn't be doing anything as a "wake up call". He will see right through the manipulation and it will push him further away. You let go and detach. FOR YOU. Move on. FOR YOU. Let him live life without you. FOR YOU.
Doing that MIGHT wake him up. It might not. But it will allow you to move forward with dignity, self-respect, and a healthy outlook on life.
You never answered me on IC. IF you aren't in IC why not?
As for IC - getting there. Had such a terrible experience the last time 2yr ago... a little PTSD there I think.
But, I did find out he was wrong about legal S - assets are protected. That was his one reason not giving me legal S. But now since they are --- will he give me legal S????
He is gone for the weekend. Of course I want to text him about his mis-information... I can't stand having to sit on this all weekend. But, he is with A and will want nothing to do with me.
I will go to work. I work all weekend. I will stay focused on doing other things.
But even as I go to atty I feel it will escalate things to where they were with his EW... he will have a knee jerk reaction of previous experience and shut down and bring on the fight.
Bringing in your own attorney only means a "fight" if one of you wants one. The result of most fights doesn't change the outcome much---you should get 50% of the assets, and then whomever makes more money pays the person who makes less money a good chunk of that for a number of years relative to the length of the marriage in spousal support. Your attorney should be able to tell you the norm in your state.
But, I did find out he was wrong about legal S - assets are protected. That was his one reason not giving me legal S. But now since they are --- will he give me legal S????
He is gone for the weekend. Of course I want to text him about his mis-information... I can't stand having to sit on this all weekend. But, he is with A and will want nothing to do with me.
Good call on not contacting him. More pressure rarely helps.
Why was he misinformed? He knows you REALLY want S over D, he cited this worry as his key reason for D over S, and he's been talking to an attorney who could've cleared this up in seconds.
Putting more focus on you by being busy with GAL activities this weekend sounds wise!
ut, I did find out he was wrong about legal S - assets are protected. That was his one reason not giving me legal S. But now since they are --- will he give me legal S????
Why does this matter? S or D changes NOTHING. With him in an active PA it is just a legal procedure. Nothing more nothing less. He is no more your H with S as he is with D. S is no less final, or more final, than D.
I see LBS get fixated on avoiding D at all costs. First, it is out of your control. If he wants a D he doesn't need your consent, nor does he need you to know the truth on assets, etc. D is not a finality. Lots of couples get D'd and then end up getting back together. Drop your fear of D, it is causing you to focus on the wrong things and do the wrong things. Stop trying to control him and the sitch. You can't. And getting legal S does NOTHING to help your sitch.
Originally Posted by KitCat
As for IC - getting there. Had such a terrible experience the last time 2yr ago... a little PTSD there I think.
If you had a bad experience with a car, would you stop driving all together? Or would you get a new car?Throwing the baby out with the bath water is rarely a good decision. ICs are human-beings. Which means there are good ones and bad ones. Which means there are some that are right for one person, but completely wrong for another. I don't know why people get into IC, don't like, and they make a blanket decision to never do IC again. You should never settle for an IC that is bad or not a good fit. Shop around. Just like you would for a masseuse. Or a physical therapist. Or a doctor. When one doesn't work for you find another!
IC helps millions of people everyday. Don't let one bad experience sour you on IC as a concept.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/27/2004:38 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
