I miss the IDEA of who he could be and the life we could have had more than who he really was. I was in love with a fantasy that failed to materialized. To be clear I ADORED my H. I was so stupidly in love with him that I took every crumb he offered and made a loaf out of it.
I haven't accepted the divorce no but I'm the one pushing for it. I truly to the depths of my soul just want to be free of him. It's just a piece of paper but at least I'd have court ordered support and I can move on with my life knowing how much money I'm looking at.
My father was a racist, sexist, homophobic, who though he was better than everyone else. He sent mixed signals though because he wanted me to be more than a housewife yet thought that was where women belonged. I thought H was different and he was until he wasn't or maybe I ignored it I don't know.
My IC says I just got used to it since we married so young. Says if we were to meet today I'd never put up with it. He's prince charming until he gets you hooked then he disappears. Back into his work, back into the tv, back into misery about how unfair his life is. I do not miss these things.
I wasn’t a good person either. Angry, negative, also judgmental, the things I see in him were also in me to some extent. Thing is I’m changing and he isn’t. Our M wouldn’t survive a reconciliation even with just the few changes I’ve made. I can’t go back to that life. I’m unhappy yes but it would be worse with him.
I do let my thoughts get the best of me sometimes. I think he will be happier with her. He will be better for her. He will play in the snow with her and her kids if she has any. He will turn off the tv and talk. He will stay up late to hang on every word she has to say. He will smile, work less, be involved, this is the hardest part of being dumped for OW. Thinking she’s his soul mate and I was just what? A placeholder?
I do let my thoughts get the best of me sometimes. I think he will be happier with her. He will be better for her. He will play in the snow with her and her kids if she has any. He will turn off the tv and talk. He will stay up late to hang on every word she has to say. He will smile, work less, be involved, this is the hardest part of being dumped for OW. Thinking she’s his soul mate and I was just what? A placeholder?
People do not inherently change who they are. From YOUR perspective, you may think all those things about your H and his OW, but I promise you, while it may all be shiny and new now, that will wear off and the real person he is will show through at some point and he won't be much different than he was with you. People put their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship, but one that was built on a shaky foundation is not going suddenly become stable. You have no idea if he thinks she is his soul mate and honestly, that isn't yours to deal with or worry about. Don't EVER think of yourself as a placeholder. You are a strong, vibrant, courageous woman. You, yourself, say you weren't happy and you can't go back to that. I get that you are the one pushing D and right now it is hard to see the forest for the trees, but start looking at yourself in a positive light. Don't think about what your H gained in the new relationship with OW because that is between then, but look at what he lost in letting you go.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Moving forward, what are your plans, ambitions, and dreams?
Watched a documentary called Happy and they interviewed this guy who lived in some 3rd world country. Had the crappiest job ever and lived in a leaky tent but he was happy. I want to be like this. I want to be grateful for what I have instead of whining about my loss.
If you knew me personally you'd know that this is a big dream for someone like me. I'm an eyeore type person and I want to be zen.
As far as plans it's just practical things like feeding my kids. My thoughts are of survival right now.
Every week in my support group I spend some time whining about H. I also spend time whining about him here. I am noticing that I'm whining less. Instead of the whole hour it's 30 minutes or less. Instead of me being here all day it's every day or so sometimes less.
On my coffee table I have a stack of inspirational books. The Power of Now, Awareness, Mindfulness and if I get bored with that I'm on pinterest posting quotes about positive thinking, happiness or anything spiritual.
I'm on this. It's at a snails pace yes but I am getting better. I'm not quitting.
You, yourself, say you weren't happy and you can't go back to that. I get that you are the one pushing D and right now it is hard to see the forest for the trees, but start looking at yourself in a positive light. Don't think about what your H gained in the new relationship with OW because that is between then, but look at what he lost in letting you go.
There are a few blogs I read that are about moving on and they talk about how breakups can be this huge catalyst for change if you embrace it instead of self medicating by like dating too soon, drinking or whatever. This one blogger says to be the one that got away. Says no WAS wants a LBS to become a better, hotter, stronger person as a result of being a LBS. They won't say anything and by then it won't matter but still I can see this. I think it bugs my H that I haven't fallen apart like he thought I would. He thought I couldn't be alone and well he was wrong. lol
