Hitting My Stride IIII

[DonH]

That’s the bs I fuching hate and would be tempted to go over there and drag his a$$ outside and set things straight.

If I heard something like that from my sons I'd be livid (as in really freakin' p*ssed off). I wouldn't be talking to my XW, I'd be talking to the BF and he'd d@mn well understand the consequences if it ever happened again. But, that just me.

You guys have to be kidding. Over saying “you should know that” which, I’m not sure the age but I think by 3rd grade I knew all my times tables. But seriously you want to go to war over “you should know that” hell I’d say that to a friends child I was interacting with. Or are we seriously trying to build another generation of snowflakes? Now if he berated her, told her she was stupid or something, I’m with you but this was not the case. You just don’t want ANY guy interacting with your children. Well news flash it’s going to happen and your proposed reactions will just make it worse.

I wonder what my step kids bio dad thinks of me. He may have thought he was rid of me 12 years ago and here I am still mentoring “his” kids. We have a great R. My stepdaughter has told many people over the years and now her husband reinforces how important I was in her life growing up - and still am. And yep, I’ll bet I said to her somewhere along the way, “you should know that” and I’ll bet at the time she might not have liked it. Now she thanks me.

I’m not saying it’s fun or easy or pleasant, but I’m betting this man has a very active role in her kids lives. After two years how could he not? She may even confide things in him. I’m sure she doesn’t want to tell you that, and it looks like for good reason. And look at your role lately with doctors child. Yep, this guy likeky has the same type of interaction with your girls. Right? Or is this the first thoughts of that?

I know it’s hard and if this is just the start of you guys coming to grips with this I’m going to go easy as I know it’s hard to think about and embrace. But guys are going to take if nothing else mentoring roles with your kids after a year or more bring in their lives. BS you are doing the same. Be thankful he cares enough to want to be involved with her. It sux but it’s very much part of D. Perhaps a new part you will have to come to grips with.

[TBSakaJ9]

My reaction to her was to let my XW know what our daughter had said, and when my XW responded with what had transpired and that it was no big deal I sent her a text back with No worries, I just wanted you to know. What is wrong with my reaction? How would that reaction give her any pause to not tell me things? Yes, I was angry in the moment but did not say anything to my XW nor did I grill my daughter on why she felt like she felt.

Building a mentoring relationship or a R in general is one thing. I would hope the Doc's son would never go tell his mom that he was upset for fear that I might yell at him. Right or wrong he made my daughter feel a certain way. At minimum her mom needed to know.

Him saying that, combined with her being Dyslexic is not good word choice considering she is already very self-conscientious about it. It's actually kind of a dickish thing to say.

[LH19]

Yo DH if you have a minute google the word “tempted”. It is to have an urge or inclination. You can look those words up too.

I’m not going to lie, I have a pretty good inclination on what your step kids dad thinks of you.

Everybody handles things in their own way. And yeah, this $hit ain’t easy. That I do need to come to grips with.

[DonH]

What is wrong with my reaction? How would that reaction give her any pause to not tell me things.

I should do these longer posts from the desktop rather than iPad... that first paragraph was referencing the quotes and you were not part of that, although I think you thought it and if you had to be talked off the ledge... but in the end I think you are coming to grips with it. But that paragraph was not in direct response to your comments or actions

As others have said I think this elephant has been in the room far too long. I have to wonder if the stage didn’t get set years ago when you told your ex W you didn’t want to hear anything about her BF. I get it at the time and I think you’ve evolved since then but they are all still operating in “don’t tell dad” mode. Something also tells me as I think DejaVu or someone said, he likely didn't yell at all. I think your D wants to impress him and feels bad she disappointed him. Otherwise table manners, oh the horror, eat your vegetables, criminal! Lol. I mean, for sure you should be vigilant but it sounds like nothing to see here with the surface but if we go below the surface it comes down to first acknowledging and then just dealing with what is. I’d hope your ex W would not allow her kids to be abused just to keep a man. I really just think she thinks you can’t handle meeting him or dealing with him and mostly do not want to, so she’s avoiding it. Show her you can and will which I think starts with - what I told you 2 years ago no longer applies. You will never like the guy that in some ways has replaced you. Same goes for your ex and the doc. But it’s beyond time to address it like adults. No confrontations, no dragging arses, no eating curbs, no testosterone rage, just adult interaction.

Not saying at all that this happened but all this is yet again why children should not be introduced to BFs or GFs before a minimum of 6 months. Does not apply here but very much does in general and this adds to why.

I’m just going to add, something tells me your daughter is going to do much better on her next math test. Let’s see if I’m right.

[TBSakaJ9]

Thank you for the clarification. I told her two weeks ago I was looking forward to meeting him. I thought I was going to get to this past Sunday however that didn't happen. I also thought I was going to get to tomorrow however he has to work.

Let me remind you that almost a year ago I told my XW that he was more than welcome to attend my daughters games, practices, birthday parties, etc. He has still not attended one event. I just assumed that if she wanted me to meet him she would have brought it up and made it happen.

When let her know he was perfectly welcome to attend the events she made a bunch of excuses and really didn't give me a direct answer as to why.

[DonH]

When let her know he was perfectly welcome to attend the events she made a bunch of excuses and really didn't give me a direct answer as to why.

Which really tells me something is going on. I don’t know what and tend to think then it may not have anythung to do with the J of today. Perhaps in her mind it's still the J of years ago? I just don’t know but when I hear, “I’ve got to work” or “we can’t because of the dogs” (again not you just another excuse that seems to always get used - when wanting to do something the dogs seem fine for 12 hours but when not wanting to do something they can’t be alone for an hour) my BS detector goes off. Either she or he is avoiding. Clearly. I mean you’ve said he won’t come downstairs when you arrive there. Is he intimidated by you? Is she embarrassed by him?

I do think if bad things were going on the kids would have said something sooner. And the first you hear, while your D is already in a “mood” is he “yelled” you should know what 9X7 is (BTW should the low # not come first 7X9) OMG just a little humor but you get the point. I am willing to bet 7X9 dollars he did not yell.

So often it’s not the actual things that are the real problem it’s below the surface. Take the lead on this J. Don’t let your x W avoid any longer. Tell her you want to meet him and her meet the doc. Let’s pick a date, what works for you ExW? Just get it done. Be the leader here. It’s what’s best for your girls. I have to believe it’s adding stress for them thinking they can’t mention BF to you or the doc to your exW. Don’t let them carry that any longer. If anything, if there ever is an issue with BF your daughter will be much more open to telling you.

[doodler]

Is she embarrassed by him?

Yep! Hit the nail on the head.

[Dawn70]

I think Don may have a point. You seemed adamant in many earlier posts in telling XW you did NOT want to hear about her bf and while I get it, I can also imagine that might bring some hesitancy on her part to actually bring the 2 of you together for a meeting. Of course, to doodler's point, that was exactly what I thought of....she was embarrassed by him. In comparing him and you (which she inevitably does whether she admits it or not), maybe he doesn't quite stack up in her eyes and she doesn't want you to see that, particularly when you now have the fabulous, beautiful doctor in tow.

Also, like G, I think I have a contrary viewpoint to many of you sometime because I'm not a "real" parent. I didn't give birth to my daughters but I totally am all in on loving and parenting them and being there for them. I am sure it is difficult to see someone else parent your children. I think you responded correctly to what went down by addressing concerns to your XW and hearing her explanation of what your D told you, so that is all good on you. While I get that you don't like to think of her bf parenting your children since he is not technically their stepdad, I think the reality is that he does play a parental role on a regular basis. It isn't like they are casually dating. They are in a serious relationship. So, that is going to happen, particularly with someone like your XW, whom I get the impression is very much a follower in a relationship rather than a leader. I'm not saying it is right, but I'm saying it is probably a fact of life in many cases, not just that of you and your XW. You say that you don't step in with the doc's son when she is around and you only do when you have him and she is not there, but your relationship is newer and somewhat different. You and the doc don't live together. I bet dollars to donuts if y'all lived together, you would have a much more active role in parenting her son, even if you weren't married. It is just how life works. You and your xw seem to have a good co-parenting relationship, so you have to trust that she is watching and making sure that her bf is not stepping out of line with your Ds, but if he does, by all means, you should have a pointed discussion with him.

[TBSakaJ9]

So I told her that 3 years right after I moved her out of her apartment, into her condo, then found out she was dating someone.

I would be shocked if she was still respecting my wishes 3 years later even after I told her almost a year ago to bring him to the game, parties, etc. She made it sound like him staying upstairs was all on her. She also knows that I have been dating the Doc for quite some time which should be even more reason why she should be comfortable bringing in around.

She is meeting the Doc tomorrow at our mutual friends birthday party unless the XW bails for some reason. Not sure when I will meet her BF. It was supposed to be this past Sunday and then I asked her to invite him to the party tomorrow but he has to work. She did tell me that she told him I wanted to meet him. She was very concerned about my opinion of him as she was trying to articulate why he drives the cars he does, the job that he has, etc.

I do think she might be a little embarrassed. She doesn't need to justify him to me.

[Dawn70]

See, I'm looking at this from a woman's point of view, so maybe I'm seeing it differently, but I don't think it is so much about respecting your wishes as it is setting up a convenient excuse and the rest of your post above tells me that is exactly what it is. She's had ample opportunity to bring him around, but yet it is on her that he stays upstairs when you are dropping off and picking up the girls. You were "supposed" to meet him last Sunday and now he conveniently can't come to this party because he has to work and then you finish it all up with her being concerned about your opinion. You are right, she doesn't have to justify anything to you nor do you to her, but in her mind, you are the standard and she d@mn well wants to make sure her man meets that standard. I think all these excuses show that she knows he doesn't and she is embarrassed so she keeps making excuses about why he can't meet you. I don't know your XW and I may be way off base. I know she was the WA, but she just strikes me as incredibly insecure and now here you are with your sh!t together and a fantastic new girlfriend. I would bet your XW is overwhelmed and thought that you would just sit in the background and pine for what was for the rest of your life and you, instead, not only passed her by, but blew her doors off. It isn't a competition, but in a way, it totally is, if that makes any sense at all.