I saw your request and edited the quote. In the future, please hit notify or report for one of the moderators to come along and edit your postings for you. We don't always read all of the postings and it's better to hit one of the buttons and tell us what you need us to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am back at work - it sort of feels good... sort of like an out of body experience.
H contacted me yesterday and said he was inaccurate on a couple of things. I was at work so rather than text I called. He stated it wouldn't be best to talk while I was at work and when would I be home for lunch. I told him I wasn't getting a break today.
I had plans last night so never even saw him.
So I texted last night to see when we could talk ---- I should have let him come to me and bring it up. But he left the initial martial assets paperwork on the table with a cover letter from his legal services.
He said he wasn't going to do it over the phone. But, said nothing more. I wished him a good night.
Today I texted to let him know I would be home at 12:30 if that worked for him. ----- that was probably too accommodating.
NOTHING
All I can say is he said we can do what I want... and I wanted legal S for now. It sounds like he is not happy about the details of legal S and he is probably talking to all his friends/co-workers about why he doesn't want this so he will feel supported just going to D.
Its just he wanted to discuss yesterday and I was not available.
TODAY its back to radio silence.
I have atty appt on Thursday to go over my options.
He is in full blown A but he doesn't see it as an A... he says he is no longer a married man.
Reading DR book again. Will focus on me this evening AND I will stop all contact.
KC, I can't remember if we already discussed this, but I would highly suggest you get a good IC. I see a lot of cycling, and I see a lot of panicking. You panic about him wanting to talk to you about S and D. And then panic when he doesn't.
The lawyer consult is a great idea. Knowledge is power.
But I really think you need some emotional support from an objective counselor that can help you see things a little more clearly. It is hard to see things clearly when you are hurt, and scared, and angry. Trust me, I've been there.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi KC, "on the spot" often means someone wants to pressure you to make a choice. The best go-to answers are, "I'll need some time to think about this before I make a decision." If asked for an ETA, "I'll get back to you on that." If the offer is a fair one, they should have no problem giving you time to consider it.
Since never getting a reply I just assume he is not coming home today... was wrong... he came home at the time I mentioned.
H didn't say anything and took shower. I went and played with dogs. He comes poking around not really saying much and then asking financial questions. He then said that legal S is just living separately. Nothing is divided up so assets and debt can continue to mount. He dosen't like the lack of division and if he buys a house during this time its another debt/asset.
I said I want a cooling off period. I don't like dealing with this while there is so much stress at play. He said yeah, the atty said it was to just destress the situation.
I can trust you not to run up a lot debt and you will have to trust me that I will not take the equity out of the house for a luxury vacation.
H looks like crap --- he isn't sleeping, his stress is over the top. He is clearly burning it at both ends.
I gave him some papers to show what he owes me for his gym membership, car insurance and cell phone bill. He acted like he didn't owe me anything because nothing has changed yet... I do not need to keep paying his cell bill while his income goes to his toys.
He asks if I have plans for the weekend. I said I'm working and then a couple of outings. He said he was going to a friends Thursday and he had a birthday party to go to this weekend. (I've known about this party for 1 month - and yes A will be there.)
Now I NEVER check the cell phone bill. Its auto deducted. But, today I logged on to print bill to show H breakdown of what he owes.
I go back to work and start getting texts about am I checking his call logs? No... why? Well apparently I only pulled the first page of the bill... there were call logs for all 3 lines...
H accused me of snooping... I simply said I don't have the time and I don't care.
This is they guy who went snooping on my FB account twice... whatever. But hey if he is going to get that defensive I'm a gonna go look... lol. And, even then whatever... its proof but I already know. So what does it really do for me? NOTHING.
I then said: We both read the book 10 years ago. I know exactly what is happening and I know exactly why it is happening.
Of course he asked what book - told him. Gosh golly despite having read it ten year ago I should have been reading it every 3. This is a perfect textbook scenario.
I said X to him... He said that he had been that way for a long time and he tried to tell me... I said i see that now.
It ended with me telling him I cannot change the past but can only focus on the here and now. Told him he needed to move out and reduce his stress. I want a cooling off period. I want a separation. I want you to find your peace.
NOW - for me tonight is to make sure I don't feel bad about anything I said or did today. I will exercise and read DR. I will not be constantly looking at my phone. Tomorrow I will go for my massage ( was our monthly couples massage - his loss). I will be strong in taking my power back.
he has felt X for a long time and he tried to tell me....
I said I see that now.... I should have said something along the lines of how hard it must have been that I wasn't listening as I should???
Good ways to validate his feelings might be "You felt X for a long time, but you couldn't tell me?" or "You felt X for a long time, but you didn't think I heard you?" To me, your statement starts by validating his feelings, but then shifts towards you and apologizing and expressing your critical inner voice.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I will be strong in taking my power back.
I think there's more goodness and power in you than you sometimes give yourself credit for, so I'm so glad to hear you say that. Rock on, KitCat, with your GAL plans for tonight and tomorrow!
Originally Posted by KitCat
will exercise and read DR.
What kind of exercise? I did yoga this morning, but hope to work in something more tonight.
I still can't sleep... I'm exhausted and its 2hr here and there. I've a terrible headache.
I deliberately sit in the parking lot after off work and make phone calls. I decide to drive to store to pick things up. I dont want to be at home but I know the dogs need taken care of.
It's nearly 8pm... should be leaving for work soon so I head home.
Now he was not home until 12:30. Showered and talked to me... I went to work and he was texting me... so I k how he was up till 4pm.
I get home at 8pm and he is not up. Frack..
I go and tell him its nearly 8pm. He responds... with ok. I go about taking care of all the pets. So I'm not lifting a finger to help him at all.
He is constantly on his phone... he gets annoyed by something he is reading. But keeps reading. Not much eye contact. He asks about weather outside as we are expecting some nasty stuff .
I keep going about my business. I get on exercise equipment and I'm prob working out at 3x the rate I would due to all emotions in my head.
After 5min he leaves the house.. but then sits in driveway for 15mi before leaving. I know what he is doing g and with who.
Not even a simple thank you that I got him up.
He is more exhausted and sleep deprived than before BD.
Here we are at the point of no return. He made sure of that. I still dont know if we are S or D??? He seemed S today but now do I know for sure.... that man can sit there denying everything. Own your SH*TZ.
I left you feeling I lost interest... you got us to the point of no return.
I hate our convo today... the minute he said "T I have been on empty for a long time. I have been trying to tell you that" I should have just said - it must have been so hard and lonely thinking I didn't care for you any longer. Or some thing along that line... AND stopped. I just keep in arguing mode with what I said.
