Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 7

[DaB35]

Thanks Overrnbw for taking the time to read up on my sitch.

Yes, she absolutely didn't give it a chance. She decided it was over before we both could discuss things properly. I just wish she was not so stubborn and impatient. This is my problem with people who throw a R away so quickly. Do they even value it enough in the first place, if they're happy to simply pull the plug? Is their partner simply expendable and interchangeable?

I am a good person. I was just stumbling along the way frequently, without asking for help. I've learned a lot about myself these last 9 months. I realised I sacrificed too much to make XW happy, at the expense of my happiness, and it made me stressed and depressed in the background. Even if it put me in a difficult position, I would always strive to make her happy, and felt my needs were less important. Classic NGS - I lost my 'personal power'. 6 months of IC worked wonders however, and I realise that my opinion does matter - never thought it did before.

There is a lot of good in my life right now. I have things to achieve, I have my family, I have friends, I have a good job, I have hobbies and interests. I DBed. I will keep DBing.

[AnotherStander]

Text from XW:

"Hi, so the house has completed and the divorce appears to have also come through today. I just want to wish you all the best and good luck for your future. I hope everything pans out well for you."

What do I say to that? After 8 years, that's all she has to say? Three sentences? She is also implying that we won't see each other again, despite saying she wanted to remain friends many many times.

I want to reply:

"Hi. Yes I saw the emails today. Some bills will still need paying end of this month - as they get cancelled one by one, I will pass half of any refunds on to you as agreed.
We haven't binned your stuff; it felt wrong to do so. In time, when you're settled and ready, we will help get it back to you.
If I could go back I'd do a lot differently, but there are so many things I wouldn't change at all. I can see how the last 9 months have been a distressing, overwhelming & emotional time for you, and can only imagine how difficult it has all been for you. I wish it never came to this. You have touched my life in ways nobody can understand. Such wonderful things await you, I know it. I like to think our paths will cross again."

I know, I know, the last bit is dripping in pursuit. But I figure I have nothing to lose now.

OK now here is what you should reply:

"Thanks."

THAT IS ALL!!!!!

[DaB35]

AS - Haha!

Had an ok day today. Didn't think about XW or D much today. A few friends and work colleagues have offered support to me which is nice. Don't feel totally alone which is a blessing. I busied myself at work today, got loads done and felt very productive when I left. Finalising all the utility refunds/final bills; easy to sort out so should all be done by next month.

Thinking about selling a few things too to raise a bit more cash. Living at home with parents means I can save loads in the next few months.

Off to the gym later.

[DS9]

Text from XW:

"Hi, so the house has completed and the divorce appears to have also come through today. I just want to wish you all the best and good luck for your future. I hope everything pans out well for you."

What do I say to that? After 8 years, that's all she has to say? Three sentences? She is also implying that we won't see each other again, despite saying she wanted to remain friends many many times.

I want to reply:

"Hi. Yes I saw the emails today. Some bills will still need paying end of this month - as they get cancelled one by one, I will pass half of any refunds on to you as agreed.
We haven't binned your stuff; it felt wrong to do so. In time, when you're settled and ready, we will help get it back to you.
If I could go back I'd do a lot differently, but there are so many things I wouldn't change at all. I can see how the last 9 months have been a distressing, overwhelming & emotional time for you, and can only imagine how difficult it has all been for you. I wish it never came to this. You have touched my life in ways nobody can understand. Such wonderful things await you, I know it. I like to think our paths will cross again."

I know, I know, the last bit is dripping in pursuit. But I figure I have nothing to lose now.

OK now here is what you should reply:

"Thanks."

THAT IS ALL!!!!!

Dan, I'd actually shorten AS' suggestion to "Ta".

Remember, she writes War and Peace, you reply (if at all) with Spot the Dog!

Also, don't ever assume you have 'nothing to lose', because it could be that that one little silly thing you do whilst in that mindset that extinguishes the tiniest ember that could remain in your XW's heart. Don't ever think you can stray from DB - it's a lifeskill too you know. Don't ever assume you know what they think or feel.

Check out my thread's latest post - I've now reconnected IRL with an old girlfriend after 22 years. Turns out she thought about me all the time in that period, and it was her that let me go and moved away at the time we split!

[DaB35]

Thanks DS. I ended up replying "Thanks for letting me know." I didn't say 'good luck' or 'hope everything pans out well' (who says that to an XS?). The way she phrased that kinda made me wish she hadn't bothered typing it; it was so impersonal.

Didn't bother updating her about the bills/refunds from utility companies. No response - didn't expect one.

I still can't believe she left so much stuff at the house. It added about an hour's work for myself and my family as we had to check what it was and bring it back to my storage place as obviously we couldn't leave it there (we had to be out on that day).

Yes I will keep up the DB techniques. I'm also going to always never believe 100%, or rather 50% of what XW says or does.

[DaB35]

Day off from gym today - seeing best friend for dinner. Haven't caught up with him in a few weeks. He's quit his job and looking for other things.

Quick question - he'll obviously ask about the sitch with me and XW. How much do I tell him? I mean regarding hwo I feel about the situation and our R dynamic etc.? Is there any reason to not tell him everything? Just selective bits? Or does it not matter? He is fairly close to XW too although he hasn't said much to her, just listened to her. I haven't actually told him that much anyway re therapy, thoughts on how we interacted etc., and so on.

Busy month ahead it seems - lots of stuff going on so keeping my mind occupied and happy with things to look forward to.

[ovrrnbw]

Hey bud hope you're doing well.

I still can't believe she left so much stuff at the house. It added about an hour's work for myself and my family as we had to check what it was and bring it back to my storage place as obviously we couldn't leave it there (we had to be out on that day).

I believe she proved otherwise. You should have left her to deal with her mess. I'd put all that stuff up for sale on craigslist and get rid of it asap or donate it.

Your best friend is close enough to your XW that you worry about him keeping things between you two? I dunno man, that's a little messed up. Since you're worried about it, I wouldn't say much.

[AnotherStander]

How much do I tell him? I mean regarding hwo I feel about the situation and our R dynamic etc.? Is there any reason to not tell him everything? Just selective bits? Or does it not matter? He is fairly close to XW too although he hasn't said much to her, just listened to her. I haven't actually told him that much anyway re therapy, thoughts on how we interacted etc., and so on.

Don't tell him anything. You may think he only listens to XW, but I doubt that's the case. A lot of mutual friends will fancy themselves the "great savior of the marriage" and will say all the wrong things to the WAS. He misses you, he'd get back together in a second if only you would show a little interest, he's just miserable, I really think you should give it another shot, etc. etc. Their heart is in the right place but their words do more harm than good. What you should tell him instead is that you are starting to not miss her anymore, that you're moving on, that you are feeling pretty good about things and your GAL is going really well, etc. THAT is the kind of stuff you want to get back to her.

[DaB35]

...I believe she proved otherwise. You should have left her to deal with her mess. I'd put all that stuff up for sale on craigslist and get rid of it asap or donate it.

Your best friend is close enough to your XW that you worry about him keeping things between you two? I dunno man, that's a little messed up. Since you're worried about it, I wouldn't say much.

Thanks O. It was a tricky call as the new buyers moved in the following day. The house had to be vacant of any stuff belonging to either of us, otherwise the Ls would withold the sale proceeds. I was under the impression she'd have taken everything of hers, and so there'd just be my stuff left to take. I do intend to sell some of it yes! E.g. there was a printer that she left - she bought it but no longer needs it. I don't need a new one either, so I'll sell that definitely.

Yes I won't say much to friend later today. I'm more interested in hearing about his new work plans anyway.

Don't tell him anything. You may think he only listens to XW, but I doubt that's the case. A lot of mutual friends will fancy themselves the "great savior of the marriage" and will say all the wrong things to the WAS. He misses you, he'd get back together in a second if only you would show a little interest, he's just miserable, I really think you should give it another shot, etc. etc. Their heart is in the right place but their words do more harm than good. What you should tell him instead is that you are starting to not miss her anymore, that you're moving on, that you are feeling pretty good about things and your GAL is going really well, etc. THAT is the kind of stuff you want to get back to her.

Very good points AS. Thank you. Yes, I am mainly going to focus on updating my activities - gym, study, hobbies etc - and talk to him about his new plans.

[DaB35]

We chatted mainly about my work, his work and plans for a new business he wants to set up.

Interestingly, he said that XW had spoken to him recently and was asking - after everything was finalised - "Should I text Dab35 anything? It feels weird not saying anything to him," and apparently she was worrying quite a lot about what to say to me. He said to her, "Thing is, anything you say to him will be a bit of a kick in the teeth." He was right lol!

My mum believes XW may not have been ready for M, and that pressure from her family made her rush into it (I mentioned before that it was a BIG deal for her to get M done before she turned 30. Her parents M at 18, her sister at 22/23). Anyway, it is what it is now. It is good to discuss stuff like this with my family, but I'll keep it between us and don't moan about XW to friends etc. I know I've sorted myself out. Frustratingly, XW even said to "I have no doubt that you can change and get better" which made the whole D process more galling.

I just said I'm doing really well, and how my health and confidence has improved recently. That's about it.

Busy weekend lined up with stuff to do, so GAL still in full flow.