He told me last night on the phone that he was picking up dissolution papers and then said he was going to file today. I did ask if he had to file to day - he said no. It was ended that he wasn't filing today and he would wait to file until he had a place to go.
But, can I trust that? He is willing to lie about the A... and maybe in his mind its just a friend with benefits??
I have appointment but I am on a waiting list for a bump up and it might be in 2 days.
I know is ring is off. He stated last night he didn't see himself as married. I'm done.
Not sure if you saw my response, but this is what I wrote to drh who has a cheating W in his house:
Originally Posted by Steve85
Drh, I like your attitude, very well done with your current approach. I am assuming she is not in the MBR? If it continues to be too stressful, at some point you might want to discuss with her accelerating her plan to move out. I'd even entertain asking her to leave since she is openly in a PA. That will do two things.
1) It will show her that you are ready to move on 2) It will make her put up or shut up
Do not underestimate the power of #2. I know in my own sitch, calling my W's bluff really made her stop and consider what she was doing. And it caused her to question how committed she really was to her walkaway plan.
BUT, do not do #2 with the expectation that it will wake her up. You have to be 100%, or close to it, sure you are ready to move on.
When/if you confront him I highly suggest that A) You've consulted with an attorney B) You ask him and strongly urge him to move out.
Not sure about you but I would be unwilling to share a home with a lying cheater that is actively in a PA.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Remember, your issue is with him....not her! If it wasn't her it would be someone else. LBSs get so wrapped up in the OP when in reality their problem should be with their cheating spouse. Don't let him off the hook by putting the blame on her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know that... who knows what story he is feeding her.
He needs his ego feed and to feel desired passionately... right now that is her.
Did push him out the door. Most likely. I think I pushed to hard to know what was going on. One day I did wake him up from sleep and that just so angered him. That cemented his plan to leave and be done.
I'm hurt.
But, I can't think of any reason I would want him back. He is reliving his narrative when he moved in with me. He said I was goddess and he respected me so much and I set the bar so high.
He is really unhappy and that will catch up with him but not for awhile.
Why was he snooping on me??? I bit my tongue and didn't say a word ---- he did admit he though my high school friend was in town... FB did a number on me and posted an event I had considered attending and then tagged this friend and another friend from high school with emoji with heart eyes saying I feel loved... I was like what the heck when I saw it... and I deleted it. I do remember my phone having some issues and seeing that picture come up as an event reminder but I was not posting or tagging people. So he thought this friend was in town???
I know sometimes his feeling of my lack of paying attention to him was because I was paying attention to someone else. I mean think about it. I'm home every evening that he is at work....
Perhaps this A of his progress because if he thought I was having one then he should be too???
I do know that for whatever reason he has felt bad about himself for a long time. A really long time.
JOB is a very wise woman and giving you stellar advise. Steve85 is one of the few active posters that is still with his wife. He has first hand experience in getting his spouse to recommit. I am not sure why you are having such a hard time understanding and implementing positive changes to your behavior.
You are completely focused on the wrong person.
I do not want to give you false hope. I do not want to give you false despair. Accept that he is leaving. Let go of the past, you can't change that. Do not fear the future, you are not there yet. Focus on today and what you have control over. Only what you have control over. Do this every day.
Here is an exercise that you should start doing with everything:
1) Who gets the puppy? You or him? Do you want it? If yes, than you tell him you are keeping the puppy. If no, you tell him you don't want the puppy and either he takes care of it or you will find it a new home. Take your time if needed to decide what you want. Do not ask him what he wants. After you make your decision, then you inform him of your choice.
HUGS
PS: Some guys like a little belly on their ladies. Real men make their women feel beautiful because her belly is not what makes her attractive.
During this phase of the process, it is all about being confident that you will thrive without him. Believe me, You will thrive without him.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
JOB is a very wise woman and giving you stellar advise. Steve85 is one of the few active posters that is still with his wife. He has first hand experience in getting his spouse to recommit. I am not sure why you are having such a hard time understanding and implementing positive changes to your behavior.
You are completely focused on the wrong person.
I do not want to give you false hope. I do not want to give you false despair. Accept that he is leaving. Let go of the past, you can't change that. Do not fear the future, you are not there yet. Focus on today and what you have control over. Only what you have control over. Do this every day.
Here is an exercise that you should start doing with everything:
1) Who gets the puppy? You or him? Do you want it? If yes, than you tell him you are keeping the puppy. If no, you tell him you don't want the puppy and either he takes care of it or you will find it a new home. Take your time if needed to decide what you want. Do not ask him what he wants. After you make your decision, then you inform him of your choice.
HUGS
PS: Some guys like a little belly on their ladies. Real men make their women feel beautiful because her belly is not what makes her attractive.
During this phase of the process, it is all about being confident that you will thrive without him. Believe me, You will thrive without him.
R2C - Thanks to all the support out there from everyone especially Job and Steve85
I know I have to move forward.
Its just it was just at the beginning of this month that he said to me... his needs weren't being met... I should have stopped in my tracks and hugged him and reassured him.
I was going to surprise him on my lunch break and completely focus on him. It was the end of his work week and it had been long so he was sitting on the floor having a drink. Not exactly typical. I wanted him and not the drunk him... I was I so proud???
I had to work the rest of the day late and the next morning but that night we had a date planned.
He was so exhausted and with a couple of drinks he fell asleep on the way home... I can't blame him as he is so sleep deprived. But another night with no physical contact.
So I was warned... He was stating loudly... What he was really saying is I feel unloved and unwanted. I know him.
The first woman who started to pay him attention and his heart is racing. He is starting to feel good about himself for the first time in a long time.
I know its about me. Its about standing up for me. I know I am not ready for D but I want S. I want him gone to figure things out for himself. There is nothing I can do but take care of me.
He just texted me that he was wrong about some info for legal S. He only talked to atty. He did not pick up any paperwork. He said its not something he thinks should be discussed while I am at work and said I can talk on my break. I have no break today... I won't see him at all today. So now this information which seems he is not happy with may mean I don't get what I want.
I'm tired of him acting like he has all the cards.
Last edited by job; 02/24/2010:22 PM. Reason: edited quote
Its just it was just at the beginning of this month that he said to me... his needs weren't being met... I should have stopped in my tracks and hugged him and reassured him. One day I did wake him up from sleep and that just so angered him.
You can't know for sure. Long after BD we often discover affairs, plans to exit, etc. began in their hearts if not physically earlier than we realized. While most relationships have a tipping point where they sink, they generally have to be running low for some time before that can happen.
Says my Walkaway Spouse side from 10yrs ago.
It's the past--can't change it.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm tired of him acting like he has all the cards.
You don't get to control how he acts. Ready2Change gave a good example of how to manage choices, though, such that you clearly hold and control your own cards.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I can't think of any reason I would want him back.
Then write KitCat's story. Of course there's trauma to work through. Maybe a good goal is for your ex to be 20% of your story and your choices and growth to be 80% of your story.
Hi Kit - Regarding a month ago when your H said his needs weren't being met, he already checked out long before he told you that. Even if you played your cards perfectly from that point on, you would still be in the same predicament.
Your H is simply getting all his ducks in row so that the blame for the breakdown of the marriage will be solely on your shoulders. If he can get you to buy into the blame, then it will alleviate his guilt for having an affair. It's all BS.
My ex did the same thing. She gave me a laundry list of all the stuff I did wrong (all of which was fixable), and I still struggle with blaming myself for things. It's only when I get these short bursts of clarity that I can see clearly that my Ex projected onto me her issues and then assigned me as the devil that made her life miserable. I've been NC ever since she left me and I have heard she is really struggling, the difference is now I am no longer available for her to blame.
