Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 7

[job]

I agree w/AnotherStander. speak to your lawyer about it as soon as possible. Hopefully it is not in spelled out in the paperwork. I agree w/you and your family, that if the project wasn't done that the money was earmarked for, then it should be returned to your parents.

You want to give this particular matter taken care of as soon as possible so that everyone is on the same page.

[DaB35]

D, that is dirty and petty of your W

Yes my thoughts exactly. I'm so upset at her. My parents did SO much for her; they helped her with her business buying her tools, my dad built a computer for her, they would always offer to help us out at the house if we needed things doing, and my mum even paid for W's wedding dress to be cleaned (£150). It feels like a real slap in the face.

...but my XW did much the same in the 11th hour of our divorce.

Sorry to hear about that. It's so frustrating isn't it.

I would talk to your L and confirm whether or not it really is in the paperwork, don't take her word for it. If it's in there and the paperwork is already signed, then so be it. If it's not then try to recover it for your parents.

Yes I've emailed the L to clarify the situation. If it's not in the paperwork and everything's Signed/Sealed/Delivered, then I'll just give my parents the money out of my share of the sale proceeds. I cannot let them lose that money. It would really bother me if I didn't do anything about it.

I agree w/you and your family, that if the project wasn't done that the money was earmarked for, then it should be returned to your parents.
You want to give this particular matter taken care of as soon as possible so that everyone is on the same page.

Thanks job. Yes my sister and I feel the same way. It's funny - as I said, my sis and her H's views on this were, without any prompting from me and before I'd given the whole story - "If your parents or my parents gave us some money for something and we split up, we'd just give it back. Why would we even think about sharing that money when it's not even used for what it was intended for and not technically ours? I'd feel uncomfortable keeping it."

If it's not possible to get it back fully for my parents, then that is my error. I should have highlighted it before the form was submitted. I just thought we'd agree to withdraw it, pay m parents back, then split what's left.
I still maintain that W said to me that she felt we should give it back, but now she's vehemently denying ever saying that. I can't be bothered to argue. That's why I think someone has told her "It's in a joint account in your names, therefore it's yours to share."

This reminds of a Black Mirror episode where people have implants that record events, meaning they can can 'beam' memories of things onto the TV (like mental streaming), proving what people said. Something like that anyway. That'd be really useful in situations like this!

[DaB35]

Text from W this morning:

"I've emailed Property L to pay us in full on Monday into the joint account. I will split it 50/50 including the [£x]* and
then what's left is yours. You can then close the account."

*my parent's money

Still so upset how W has treated my parents. She hasn't bothered to pass on a thankyou to my parents for taking the TV she's having off the wall, wrapping it up in bubble wrap, and my dad had even filled the holes drilled int othe wall and painted them so they're nice for the new owners. I did try to tell my parents not to do it, but they insisted. They're just of a generation where they always help no matter what. I hope W feels guilty about that sometime later. Sorry, that's a rather NGS thing to say isn't it - just venting here really.

I checked the forms that we submitted and yes, it's not mentioned anywhere. My fault entirely. It just slipped my mind to discuss it further with W. I really cannot be bothered to argue with her. I will pay my parents back out of my share. They get it back in full then. For everything they've done for me in the past 9 months, it's the very least I can do.

Somewhat emotional day today. My sister's MIL turned 60 and we had an afternoon tea with their family at the venue where W and I got married in 2016. It was weird, because every other time I've been there, W was always close by. I didn't get too sad really, enjoyed myself and spoke to some friendly new people. I had a couple of moments to myself where I walked around and stared out of the window at the lovely beautiful grounds. It is a lovely place.

It will then be emotional going to the house for the very last time tomorrow morning. All W's stuff will have gone. I expect there'll be things relating to 'us' as a couple that she'll have left behind deliberately. I still am surprised that she kept all the special occasion cards I gave her over the years.

No gym today or tomorrow - no time. Have sorted out cancelling utility bills (they're all in my name); have to wait til Monday to call a couple of them before I know what's going on. Just having a chilled evening flitting between TV and YouTube. In a very reflective mood today.

[DaB35]

Emotional day. I left my house and the town where I lived for 3 years for the very last time this morning.

When we got there, discovered W had left TONS of stuff that (a) I assumed she'd take and (b) was hers anyway but she just left behind. Things like gifts her students bought her, her suitcase, even a chair/side table that belonged to her gran. I texted her asking if she's coming back but she replied saying "No I've taken everything I could. If you want it you can have it, or just bin it. Your mum can have the chair if she likes it. I just don't have space in my storage unit." She left lots of things we'd previously agreed she'd take (e.g. the kettle, the side table, the chair, some garden stuff from the shed, her own suitcase which she's had for decades). W also left behind a couple of presents I got her earlier last year.

My parents took everything. They hate seeing things go to waste. I was going to text W later today to say it's in my storage unit - when she's more settled she can have the stuff whe nshe has space.

She left a card for my parents. It said, "Thank you for the work you've done on the house, it's made it much easier for me to cope with everything. I wanted to thank you for all your support over the years, and for the encouragement and practical help you've given me when I needed it. I love you all, W xxx"

As the house was empty, I went round every room, first to check I hadn't forgotten anything, but also to just say a final goodbye to each room. As I closed the front door and locked it for the last time, I don't know why but I just pressed the doorbell so I could hear the nice simple chime one last time.

I went to see one of my neighbours to say goodbye. She has always been friendly and supportive of us. I don't know why, but as she gave me a big hug I just burst into tears. She knows W & I have S and most likely will have seen W as she was packing her things up and W would have probably mentioned D. She asked if I was ok and I said yes but clearly I wasn't! She told me to "look up and forward" and that "good things will happen". She gave a second big hug and smile, and we parted ways.

My sister noticed I was a bit teary as I locked up. I cried for a bit in the car on the way to the storage place but was ok by the time I got there. Managed to fit everything in - just! I'll have to go through everything over the next few weeks, and separate it into piles of keep/sell/charity/tip/donate to others.

I already miss the house. We both worked so hard to get it. We put our life savings into it for our deposit. We really did a lot to it to make it a home. I miss the town too; it was lovely, not too big, not too small, and everything you needed was on the high street - newsagents, gift shops, bakers, butchers, general store, little theatre, hardware store, barbers, hairdressers/salon, takeaways, brilliant Indian restaurant, car garage, little supermarket. All within walking distance of each other. W and I achieved so much as a couple. I am so sad that she felt the last 8 years were not worth her putting effort in to save it. Having said that, I will still DB. For me.

Going to go for a lie down I think!

[DaB35]

Automated email received today - W has applied for the decree absolute.
D is about to be finalised very soon. I hope she's happy she'll get what she wanted.

Received the sale proceeds from the house. W already took her bit, including half my parents' money.

Very sad day.

[DaB35]

Technology always finds a way. Just got an automated email saying the decree absolute is final - how quick was that?!

I'm in shock.

I am divorced. I am no longer married. I now have an XW. I am an XH.

I am so sad that W chucked this all away. 8 years. 8 wonderful years full of love and laughter. Sad she felt there was no way we could fix things. I wanted to work on the M. I really did. I offered transparency, I sought IC, I paid for/tookpassed a polygraph test. But she had made up her mind within 24hrs of discovering what I did. I am now another statistic.

I want to still be a lighthouse of sorts. I still care for her. I am frustrated at how her friends and family have enabled her. I do not hate her. Even though she's been extremely distant (haven't seen her for 5-6 months), and seems to have forgotten what she said in August ("If we could have a friendship I'd love that...I care about your happiness...I have no doubt you can change and sort yourself out").

I will keep DBing. I will keep up the gym, my creative projects, putting in lots of effort at work, and just keeping PMA. I know this will be hard. I feel a lump in my throat; always hated that feeling ever since I was a kid.

I have grown. I have bettered myself. I have overcome a lot of my problems which had been left for years, and my
health has improved as a result. I am not useless, ugly, worthless, or unworthy of love, which is something I'd always carried with me for years and years including before XW and I met. I've got rid of that negativity finally.


What do I do? Do I contact XW and tell her I know it's finalised? Do I contact her parents - if so what would I say? Do I say anything to XW about how tragically sad this situation is?

I am so glad I found this board. I just wish I found it much, much earlier.

[AnotherStander]

D- very sorry you're going through this. I know it must be tough, especially since it hasn't been that long since BD for you.

Also really sorry she took half your parents' money. That tells you what kind of person she is right there. Zero character. That should be enough to convince that this is for the best.

What do I do? Do I contact XW and tell her I know it's finalised? Do I contact her parents - if so what would I say? Do I say anything to XW about how tragically sad this situation is?

No say absolutely nothing. Go dark. Don't talk to XW, you're divorced now. Don't reach out to her parents. Take time to heal.

[DaB35]

Hi AS, thanks. From May 2019 to Feb 2020. All gone in less than a year. I have never had as much money in the bank before now, but at what cost? I have lost a gorgeous partner, a house and a lifestyle I loved.

I do think it's her loss. She could've waited 5-6 months and I'd be able to start showing her my changed attitude to life in general.

I have given my parents her share of their money. They said I can keep my share as savings towards my next place. I've stashed it away in an account I can't access for a few months.

My mum feels sorry for XW - she feels she was being rushed by others in packing her things (hence why she left so much of her stuff behind) and that her family haven't really helped her that much. We don't know that of course as she hasn't said anything, but from what she's told me I think only her brother and his W have helped her move her stuff out. And she said after BD, "I'd always choose my family over a partner. Any day of the week."

I feel guilty about not saying anything to her at all. Is that normal? It feels so cold, but then is that textbook DBing? After D has actually happened, go 100% dark in the knowledge that XW will certainly get to hear about my changes and improvements eventually?

But then...as I'm typing that I'm also thinking - am I hoping that happens so I can prove her and her friends/family wrong? Am I hoping it will make her feel guilty - that she was way too impulsive, and did this entirely based on emotion rather than logic? Or do I think that by the time she does see me, will I have moved on from her completely and not want her back? Or, am I just going dark simply because it's the best thing to help me DB further?

I know it's hard to know how I'll feel in a week, let alone six months to a year, but I must keep the focus on me and keep DBing and GALing. I'm off to the gym.

[DaB35]

Text from XW:

"Hi, so the house has completed and the divorce appears to have also come through today. I just want to wish you all the best and good luck for your future. I hope everything pans out well for you."

What do I say to that? After 8 years, that's all she has to say? Three sentences? She is also implying that we won't see each other again, despite saying she wanted to remain friends many many times.

I want to reply:

"Hi. Yes I saw the emails today. Some bills will still need paying end of this month - as they get cancelled one by one, I will pass half of any refunds on to you as agreed.
We haven't binned your stuff; it felt wrong to do so. In time, when you're settled and ready, we will help get it back to you.
If I could go back I'd do a lot differently, but there are so many things I wouldn't change at all. I can see how the last 9 months have been a distressing, overwhelming & emotional time for you, and can only imagine how difficult it has all been for you. I wish it never came to this. You have touched my life in ways nobody can understand. Such wonderful things await you, I know it. I like to think our paths will cross again."

I know, I know, the last bit is dripping in pursuit. But I figure I have nothing to lose now.

[ovrrnbw]

Hey buddy,

Just read up on your sitch. It all sounds like quite the tragedy. R2C posted a link to a video on stoicism that I really liked. I recant the phrase amor fati quite often. It means I love it. Look for the good in your life right now. It's there, right in front of you. I know you didn't want this divorce and you didn't deserve and she didn't give you a real chance. But maybe that's just part of what your life is. Maybe it'sa small part too.The end isn't as important as the journey and what you accomplished and what you learned along the way. We just get so focused on the conclusion and so emotionally tied to an outcome that we are blind to all the things that are going right. And they aren't going right by chance either. Your story isn't over. It's just getting started. She's gone? That leaves a spot open for the right girl. She's coming along one day. You'll be settled in to your new life and your new habits and when you least expect she will show up. Keep your head held high. You stood tall throughout this. You fought the good fight. Winning wasn't saving your marriage, it was about your arc. Friends or not friends, good luck and well wishes, which words to pick to give her closure...they don't matter. I'd delete that message and pour my heart out into the next chapter. You have the whole world waiting for you, just don't make them wait too long.